Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Don't bother. Walk away now, it's not worth it. You are so young, concentrate on other things in life.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Leave him. You're not married, you're just engaged,a nd while it's going to be very difficult, it's still much easier than uprooting your entire life and actually living there.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Just drop kick sister in law if she ever comes near you
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
:k:
I feel for you OP
You will leave your country, family, life everything for a man who doesn’t even offer you emotional support.
Why exactly, if you don’t mind my asking, are you marrying him?
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
What I don't get is why families treat women like this in the first place and expect to get away with it
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Run away! He is already not believing and orotecting you what makes you think after marriage he will. They r making ur life horrible living so far apart, living together under one roof will make it worse.
Read anmol2013 's latest threads and i dont c ur future any fifferent.
Plz make the right decision.
I agree with Sehrysh...walk away. Ur just engaged...it will be a lot harder to walk away if ur married. Save urself while u can. Ur husband/fiance should be someone who protects you.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Give him a chance. I think once you are getting married he will defand you and sissoo will also be not being chalak.
j/k j/k
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Can't trust scheming and manipulative paki women.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
What I don't get is why families treat women like this in the first place and expect to get away with it
its probably because they do get away with it. I mean how harsh is the law in the subcontinent against abuse of brides. How many police or members of gov care about this issue or are going to enforce it? How many people protest against things like rape of babies/children and try to get them justice? All of this might be against law but how much of it is enforced and how much is ignored? If she gets abused in a new country like middle east where she doesn't even know anyone, who will help her?
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
What I don't get is why families treat women like this in the first place and expect to get away with it
Families can only get away with it because women like the OP allow them to. How many times have we seen girls/women on this forum ignoring reason and advice and going ahead with the marriage despite all the red flags. This is not even a situation where the OP is being pressured to marry, yet some women willfully decide to enter these kind of situations and then come back one month later with the exact same problems and then wonder why?
I'm not justifying the actions or behaviour of these families but it takes two to tango.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
You need to seriously consider whether you should go ahead with this marriage and face bigger problems later on, or cut your losses now and hope for a better future in the long run.
In the meantime, I suggest you deactivate your facebook for the time being, stop complaining to your fiance about any of the wedding/family drama, and take a break where you really give yourself a chance to decide your future without external influences. Also observe during this time how he reacts to your stepping back and if attitudes change at all from their end.
Don't feel pressured to go with the plans as scheduled. It's better to postpone the wedding and think everything through now than to be stuck for life with someone who causes constant heartache.
If you were my sister, I would be extremely concerned about your future happiness and place in his life. Like the others above, I would advise you not to risk everything for a guy who is already treating you unfairly and whose family doesn't welcome you with open arms.
I can see that you're attached to him and afraid of letting go. I've been on that self-destructive path and trust me, the others who are looking at the situation from the outside and can judge objectively are rightfully sensing trouble in the future. You can see it too but your heart refuses to accept the reality. Don't be so naive and don't ever compromise on self-respect, especially when you're giving up so much for one person.
I hope Allah gives you the strength to make the right decision. Ameen
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Yeah - I agree with the above comment ^
OP - you know what you're doing.
If you want to be with him that badly and feel there are absolutely NO viable options for you aside from this man...then deal with this stuff you're writing about. Learn to understand that your SIL is the queen bee of your home and marriage. What she says goes and if you do not follow, there will be trouble between you and your husband. So in order to make your husband happy, you have to make your SIL happy first. Focus on her and get her on your good side...ignore him for now.
If you want him badly enough though and really think he's worth all this trouble...although he doesn't sound like it.
Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Walk away, it will get worse after marriage.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Hi everyone! I'm fairly new to this forum but wanted to post my story to get some advice. I'm getting married in the upcoming months and am at a loss for what to do. (Sorry this is a long post!)
My fiancé and I met about a year ago, and it is not an arranged marriage. We have been engaged for just 3 months and will be getting married fairly soon.
He lives with his family abroad, while I was born and raised in the US. I have never been a part of, or seen a joint family system. And this is what I will be moving into, we will have a bedroom in his parents house. He his about 7 years older than me, and has only lived with his family. Which I know is typical of families in that region of the world. However, I moved out when I turned 18 for education, lived in my own apartment and had my own car etc etc for the last 5 years. I didn't have a problem with moving in with his family.. but I was apprehensive bc it is something I have never known, so I do not know what to do or how to behave or what is expected of me. Whereas his family expects a LOT from me. We have already had several issues.. and they did not accept the fact that any issues that came up were simply because I was not aware of what was expected, but instead blamed it on me not caring or not being a good person.
Despite all of that, I have still been okay with moving to a new country where I do not know a single person and moving into his house adapting his lifestyle etc etc. But with the wedding approaching there is one issue that is making me want to run away! His sister.
She is older than him, and put simply just does not like me. I haven't had that much interaction with her, bc we live so far apart. She is married with kids, and lives in the same neighborhood as my fiance and his parents. She spends almost all day at her parents house, from 8 am when she drops the kids to school until after dinner (around 8 or 9 pm)
When I first met her, I made every effort to become friends with her. I knew I'd be moving to a place where I had no friends or family, and saw an older sister as someone who could become my friend and help me in knowing what was expected from me and how i should behave. Several "misunderstandings" arose, where from my end I did not even know there was any problem! She would go straight to her father or brother (my fiancé) and say that I was being rude to her, or I would not respond to her phone calls, etc. etc. NONE of which were true! Every time these issues came up, I knew that she was making these things up. But I still felt that maybe it was a misunderstanding, and I would feel bad and apologize to her bc it was never my intention to make her upset.
But these things started happening more and more, and I lost my patience, and no longer believed that these were misunderstandings and knew she was making them up and telling her family, bc she wanted to create issues. Then even bigger things started to happen .. My future MIL had asked me what I wanted my valima clothes to look like and I had told her and my future SIL the colors I liked and the colors I disliked. And left the rest completely up to them! My SIL went and had the valima outfit made in the color I specifically told her I didn't like! But, she's very clever and went to a top designer. That way to everyone on the outside she looks like she is so sweet, she didn't cut any corners and went to the best. But at the same time, managed to ruin things for me! When I brought up that I didn't like that color, she played a victim and threw a fit to her parents (mind you, she's almost 10 years older than me!) My future FIL called my mother and started yelling at her about how I was disrespectful and how I had took their son away from them and this was unacceptable.
Then SIL sent me messages saying horrible, horrible things I cannot even type out. Some of the less horrible things said that I wasn't welcome in her house (she meant her parents house) or in her family.
When I told my fiancé about these messages he asked her, and she said that she didn't send them. He believes her. I sent proof that they came from her number/account and still he said he believed his sister. Her parents knew about the messages too and don't care at all! If i was in her position and had done such a thing to my brother's wife to be, my parents would have killed me! I was shocked and in disbelief.
Then recently, I started receiving messages from a fake FB account.. this person is saying such personal things that no one outside of his immediate family and my immediate family know. So I know this is also his sister. And he refuses to believe this.
I am at a loss and don't know what to do. A husband is supposed to protect his wife from people that have evil intentions and actions towards her. But if he refuses to see reality, how will he ever protect me? In fact, he tells me to be even more friendly with her and spend more one on one time with her. While honestly, I'm terrified to be alone in a room with her. I fear she might cause me physical harm. All her messages have been filled with such hatred and evilness I could never have even imagined someone could be like that! I've never asked him to fight with his family or behave differently towards them, and I will never want him to do any of that. All I ask of him is to see what his sister is really doing, otherwise she will succeed in poisoning him against me and breaking us apart eventually. But he doesn't seem willing to do even this. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.
Sorry again for the long post! Any advice??
Are you sure this is the right family for you?
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
OK I am sorry, didn't read the whole story. I don't want to tell you to back away and its you totally your decision but engagements are so much easier and less messy to move on from then marriage (personal experience). I wish I had taken hints from his family's behavior before during our engagement time.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Really..and you were still ok with going through all that crap. Pisses me off..when you actually see flags..and still going for this rishta. May Allah help ya really!..
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
OP I'm sorry if all this advice is deflating but anything other than leaving him is really just a big gamble. Especially with all the details uv provided. I think u really have to accept that the sil is gonna be a b*tch and try to ruin ur zehni sukoon for the rest of ur life. If u think u can try to get on her good side u have to see past that disillusion. What u have here is the classic psycho mentality who have too much freedom and no rok tok/issues in their own home clubbed with the fact that this is inherently part of her. So basically there is nothing stopping her. If she's spending all day at her parents house even though she's married (don't remember if she has kids or not), and has this much say and influence over what her parents think and also whatever decisions are made in ur fiancé s household then ur against a brick wall basically. There is no solution. Either ur goin to have to take it like it is or u can walk away. I wonder why u have such a strong compulsion to go thru with it (I understand ur emotionally attached but to choose a life of misery?)
I think first of all theyre pissed off that ur fiancé chose u, on his own. Then there is the amreeka ki pali bari, they just can't see past it. And just generally ur sil seems like she has some sort of self esteem issues or just a plain mean streak. I mean only someone really mean would go out of their way to specifically choose a color that u hate and still make u look like the bad person, and then get away with it!!! So like super Chalaak as well.
Btw what is ur fiances response when u tell him stuff with proof? Like with the messages? Or any other thing. Is it more along the lines that ur makin this up or more like k nahi nahi tumhay koi ghalat fehmi hui hogi, baji aesay Kyun karaingi tumharay saath. Btw if he's havin arguments with his family at home then I think he does see some truth in ur words but out of embarrassment hes not accepting it in from of u but picking fights with them. (and his sis will turn that around and instead of getting herself caught in it would be saying k dekhain kaesay maeray Bhai k kaan bhar rahi hae, aik aik baat batati hae Aur hamaray khilaaf karna chah rahi hae)
Ofcourse now if ur fiancé had been more supportive, the advice on this thread would have been actual problem solving but with what ur giving us there's no rabbit in the hat really. Ur other way out could have been ur fiancé planning to move out after u guys get married but he doesn't seem the sort to plan that or to go thru with that even if he did actually wish to. Know that his mom and sis will be constantly kaan bharofying him or atleast openly dissing u in their home (especially the way his sis talks, and also since his dad was pissed off enough about a shadi outfit to actually tell u guys off, i mean isn't that ladies department? And guys of the family don't necessarily get involved in petty shadi logistics issues... That means guys of this family are also aunties, so double the drama!)
So my advice is really simple, just do istikhara and watch it fall apart on its own, cuz I can't really see how so many red flags right now could really turn out positive for u, but ofcourse Allah knows best.
P.S if the middle eastern country is Saudi Arabia then plz run away, because with in laws and a hubby like this u will be miserable and actually have nowhere to go if things get tough. If its and easier country like UAE then u don't have to be so worried about settling in (to the country atleast)
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Please walk away before you regret it. This guy will only side with his family and after marriage you will be all alone and fighting a losing battle. Please, walk away. I promise, life does not end here. really.
Re: Need Advice .. Bride to Be with SIL issues !
Ah, Women. End this now, it will be huge trouble later.