My mom man. She was such a great mom when i was growing up, so involved in all we did, always so much fun. But as she got older and as her 3 kids grew up and moved away, she has gotten nastier year by year. I bend over backwards to try to make her happy and have never said much about her nastiness to her. She realizes it, she does feel really bad occasionally after she has a particularly nasty run.
Any pointers on why this is, anything I can do to help her? Herbal remedies or something? She absolutely refuses to get involved with people other than family - ie., like a sewing group or card-playing or anything social. Thats not her thing. She’s a real homebody but not a happy one.
only an activity could help her. She has to get involved with ppl.
So brain release all the good chemicals. Memory stays sharp. etc.
Stay with her for a while, break her out of the sphere she is living in.
Its not good for her health.
Is she living alone? I think it might be loneliness thats bothering her. Why don't u just ask her that what are her concerns and what can be done to solve it.
My mom is in no way abandoned. She does live on her own as she had planned to do all her life. We have tried to convince her to come live with us, as has my sister. But that is not something that she would even consider, and sometimes I think she wouldnt even consider it if she were truly sick and/or in need of help in daily tasks. ANYway, we call daily and visit as often as we can. Take her out to restaurants and shopping which she enjoys.
Yet. She has a "thing" for my middle son, picks on him constantly. When we go shopping, he does ask me to buy him things and this annoys the heck out of her. Even though I remember doing the exact thing at his age. I tell him "no" and he's fine and we move on. But my mom will go on and on and on right in the store telling him loudly that he is a selfish, greedy boy, does he see his brothers asking for things etc. If THAT son asks her to read him a story, its likely that he would be sent away and told no but if it was the other 2, she does it. Middle son bites his nails and turns them to chopmeat within 3 or 4 days of visiting with her.
When it comes to me, she goes on and on about how they havent been taught to use the potty (her potty is very high, about 3 inches taller than mine so boys have "spillage" when they visit her (I try to clean up after them but I guess I wasnt vigilant enough). There are many things she finds fault with pertaining to me and to my middle son, I could go on but this is the general idea.
ANYway, thats the general gist of things. MMF, your assumption was kind of nasty and uncalled for but I guess you made assumptions based on my gori-hood.
MO3
There is a saying the way you behave to your parents , thats exactly your kids are going to treat you.
I thinks Its not like you will be punished with stubborn kids, its more like your personality type get transfer to your kids.
Now you feel intensely about your kids, so does your mom.
When you grow older you may turn into her. which is bad news.
Now good new is you could break this cycle, by working with your mother.
Stop worrying about her attitude towards your kids.
Work on her issues, make her social again. Once she make bound with ppl she would be a pleasant person again.
A grandma you kids could love with all their heart.
OK i think this topic title is not appropriate. Fine, she is YOUR mom but i think elders should be respected and such words shouldnt be used esp for somebody who has given birth to you.
Now on to her behavior...well i have heard/seen few cases where people who have gone old they turn moody or not very pleasant. I think they start behaving just like children and at that time we must realise that they are the same people who took care of us when we were children and tolerated our tanturums and what not. So be patient with her just like she must have been with you and at the same time keep trying to make her feel better. Talk to her and ask what you can do for her to make her feel better.
I just read your 2nd post about her...i can understand that it must be hard on you especially when it comes to her behavior with your son. Thats unfair to the son too and he might feel insecure about the whole situation. Have you ever tried talking to your mom about it that it is affecting your son and his relationship with his grandmom?. Ask her if she thinks you have not done a good job with your kids than its her responsiblity too as their grandmother to perhaps spend more time with the kids and discipline them. See what she has to say to that?!?...
So she is sour about your middle son and your training of him. Some kids do have bit of a problem. They do test your patience. Now look from the perspective of your mother she has nothing against 2 other kids of yours it clearly means that there is something wrong with his behavior. She finds this annoying and holds you responsible for it because you are the mother of that kid. From her perspective you are the one who can train him properly.
Her refusal to read the story to him is her way of disciplining him , that is the best she can do to discipline him. Your mama is not nasty , she sees something in your middle kid which is objectionable but you cannot see it .Being a mother you would tolerate a lot but she cannot she is a third party . So you need to tolerate her to keep your sanity. You cannot change her , the kids is a kid as he grows he would start behaving properly in front of grandma. When he realizes what he has to avoid when she is around her he will stop doing those things and things will be better between , him , you and her.
Mama... if you are into herbal remedies, you could investigate on Bach Flower Remedies...a very subtle way to correct personality imbalances. Not quick-fix method, but it may just bring little relief to your situation.
I too have noticed that with age, my mom is getting more impatient, less tolerant and more critical. I think women who were very active in their young age and played a great and dominant role in raising their kids probably feel less "needed" as their own kids grow up and take responsibility. So they take out their frustration in those that are closest to them. Maybe their level of expectation also rises. They may want constant acknowledgement of their years of effort in raising us.
I think we must try to ne more patient toward them, and if possible, less judgemental. I know it can be irritating at times, beleive me, I know, but I try to focus on her strengths and ignore her weaknesses.
MO3, is there anyway you can involve her in small decision makings .. cause that will really help her , and as Niksik pointed out, she will feel needed.
About your middle son, it could be that she loves him the most and have the highest expectations form him. Maybe he reminds her of on of you or your father.
In nutshell, involving her in your life and asking her for advice and sometime going with her advice might be the answer ..
Thank you Aly and Niksick and tlk for your helpful replies. Will look into the herbal teas and see. I think that she IS indeed lonely and feels less needed as the years go by. I do everything I can to make sure she knows how much I need her. And I never complain, talk back or critisize her as some here have assumed....my mom has just very sadly developed a mean personality - and thats a fact of life that I deal with. I mean, she is nasty to everyone, even store clerks who are trying to help her. But she does focus on me and my middle guy (easy targets maybe). Anyway, I havent found anything yet that has been helpful to bring her out of this. I almost talked her into doing some volunteer work but she wants to move to a smaller place so she decided to wait till after she moves...I think that will help much but wont happen for quite some time.
Don't worry MO3. The fact that you started a thread about this means that you care about her feelings and want to help. Insha'Allah pray to Allah for more tolerance and patience. In her heart, your mom probably knows how special you are and how much you take care of her. It's just that sometimes we become victims of our habits and once we realize that we may be hurting someone, we make changes. Maybe right now your mom is overwhelmed by her own situations and not realizing that she is hurting you in the process.
Mama, I wish you the best with this. I can't imagine losing the love of my life after so many years together, and I remember that your father was ill for a long time. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather became bitter, angry, and really just wanted to die along with her. They were married for more than 60 years, and were best friends as well as husband and wife.
I think perhaps some of the posters may not understand because of cultural issues. Our parents usually value their independence, and don't WANT to live with us. It has nothing to do with us not wanting them. In the same way, I don't WANT to live with my children, but I will be happy to visit them regularly.
Mama, perhaps so much of her time was taken up with your father's illness that she lost track of friends and interests. This happens frequently, where the primary caregiver has to adjust to not only the loss of the loved one, but also has to transition back to focusing on herself.
I would agree with other posters, perhaps there is something about your middle child that reminds your mother of your father. How did she treat him before your father's death? Otherwise, it is entirely possible that there is something about him that is annoying (it's easy for a mother to overlook these things). :)
I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers. Rest assured that it will get better, but unfortunately it takes a lot of time.