(in addition, your own relationship might be influencing the way they interact with your child, though it might not)
This.
Although I kind of agree with the OP as well. I have amazing memories of my nani...she was awesome...may Allah swt rest her soul in peace. There's no way any of us could have been the way we are without her...plainly speaking. On the other hand, even though I love my dadi very much, she just didn't have that closeness with us. She cares more for her daughters' kids than her sons'. I love her because she's my dadi but not because I've got any memories with her. Do I hold it against her? Nope.
I know you may not like this but your daughter is your responsibility not your MILs
She's not shrugging off her responsibility. She's noticing the differences.
If there is a difference, I think it stems from helping the new mom and the vested interest in the new mom as compared to the new dad. Dads barely have a role in childrearing as far as your post topic is concerned ie diapering, changing, burping, feeding etc. Whereas moms go through all of that.
With a nani on scene, it is her daughter who is hands on responsible so she feels double the duty perhaps, once for the child and once for the grandchild. Her baby needs taking care of as well are her baby's baby because let's face it, raising a child is hard work! A dad just comes home from the office, plays a bit with child, might do a bit of the raising but can never compare to how much a mother works for the child.
With a dadi, her child ie son isn't really the one who is doing the "hard work" and so if she does something to help out, it is out of sheer love for only the grandchild and perhaps the DIL (insert incredulous laugh here skeptics, but honestly some MILs do harbor love for DILs)
my dadi wasn't nice to me and my siblings growing up and she still isn't, she never had our best interests at heart even though me and my family have always been nice to her . my nano was always very loving towards us. My mother has always been amazing with my baby, but then so has my MIL. she's amazed me completely by how good she's been with her pota, even though my nand had a baby a few months before i did, my MIL has treated both babies equally. she loves changing diapers, bathing , burping, feeding , playing with my son. and i am forever grateful to her for being so good to him. me and my husband and baby had to move away from her unfortunately because of my husbands job, and she still cries over the videos and pictures of my baby that i send her frequently. it breaks my heart :(. there hasn't been an ounce of difference between my mother and my Mil when it came to my baby. however there has been a world of difference between how my nano and dadi have treated me . i suppose there are exceptions everywhere.
In response to the posts, don't get me wrong, my MIL loves my daughter very much and I am in no way trying to shrug my responsibilities off to her - I was simply noticing the differences between how much my mother does for my baby and how much mother-in-law does. I don't even expect MIL to do anything other than watching her occasionally so that I may get housework done, shower or perhaps eat a meal to stay alive!
And yes I think the reason sometimes the nannies do more is because it is THEIR daughter's baby. At least I think that is the way it is in my case, because my mom has always done SO much for me growing up and continues to do so.
Why is it that Nani ammas do more for their grandchildren than dadi ammas?
I don't think it's the case for every woman. My MIL (although evil towards me) will fly over to my Devrani's house every few months to take care of that DIL, her 2 kids, cook, and clean while this DIL's husband is out of town. On the other hand, my Devrani's mother hasn't ever visited her daughter even though the Daughter complains in person and on social media that she is dying taking care of the children and needs help.
As far as I can see and my Devrani has admitted, her MIL takes better care of her children than her own Mother. And the MIL also cooks and cleans for the DIL, which she doesn't do for herself and her husband.
And I know that the same woman would not be nice to my kids. She treats the other DIL like a princess and me like chopped liver. It has to do with the fact that she likes the first DIL and doesn't like me because she wanted her son to marry someone she chose.
Hmmm.. Although I am expecting with my first born n being the eldest daughter in my family and also the only BAHU Witt my inlaws, meaning there first ever grand kid, I have noted it too:
My mum has asked me what I wanted for the kid present from them and they gave me a choice between travel system and cot and I said travel system. That’s not only it, my mum have been shopping starter shopping for the baby and buying things gradually..
Whereas my MIL hasn’t even asked us anything what we want! They are pretty much well off in pk and still haven’t done or bought anything. They know all about online shopping and getting it to delivered here but not a single thought about the baby! Oh n wait, they hadnt told anyone in my in laws that they are soon expecting their first grandchild until I was 25 weeks! Whereas on my family my mom spread the news to all close relatives as happy news n they all congratulated me!! Even ring me occasional about my health..
I guess the point I am making is my MIL hasn’t shown her exciting. Sure they talk a lot n even try to show off their richness but karte kuch nahi! They think they are well off than my parents which isn’t true.. The fact is they are bloody kanjoos! my parents on the other hand do a lot!
Sure they are excited about the kid but talk isn’t everything! I bet if there daughter is prego they will do a lot for her than their son!
do you guys get along .. your mil and you? to a reader like me that knows nothing bout your family history with in laws.. i would say this
your in laws may have not told anyone in their side of the family cuz they dont like to share such things as pregnancies if there is no need to… a lot of families hide it for the sake of nazar.. maybe they believe in it?
as for toys etc… its usually the naniyal that makes the chatti… not the in laws. again.. its a cultural thing.. i wouldnt take it personally. why not wait it out and see .. maybe they wanna do it all once the baby is born… your family knows you from the beginning and thus can act and do and buy with ease… for the inlaws… its a total diff ball game.
now .. the kanjoos bit… again i dont know how they ave treated you in the past… but just going by this entry alone…i dont see the wrong.
I am very nice infront of my MIL. Sometimes, I feel she takes advantage of niceness as I am not very outspoken. The reason for this is I am showing my respect to them. So yes, in return she is nice to me and all.
They have told the families and yes I guess they are kind of old fashioned in the sense of nazar lag jaye etc.. But still, Why not mention it early then mentioning it late. My in laws now know about my pregnancy.
I know .. not to take it personally. But I can’t help it! It’s been bugging me lately. And lately I am reading more into their faults etc.. Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones.
Trust me the KANJOOS bit is right.lol, even my relatives have noticed it. They just show off when in fact in realy do as same as my family. I mean trying to show off they are way above my family and all through the talks but the actions that count is somewhat similar to my family.For e.g, my MIL before wedding used to boast “oh hum har waqt bareeze se shopping karte hain” etc, there quality is so good etc. But after my marriage, I don’t see a lot of bareeze clothes, just normal clothes in less quantity. The clothes hardly look Bareeze type to me even the daily wear one. My family on the other hand, loves to do clothe shoppin and wear clothes and buy more in range from good shops.
And again, you know my “vari”, where in laws buys stuff for their DIL, I don’t have a lot of clothes. even the daily wear ones don’t look that good, it’s more buddha type colours. When my MIL wears bright, dark colours like pink because its her fav. My family on the other hand had bought lots of clothes for me for Jahez again from good branded shops. Even the clothes we gave to them is far a lot better then they have..
Anyways.. That’s enough rant for now. But yeah maybe your right, they might show their appreciation once the baby is born.
If you search the life1 section, you will find many DILs complaining about how in-laws don’t respect her privacy and want to know about her pregnancy and tell the whole world themselves ASAP instead of letting her break the news etc. So, in that regard, you should be thankful your in-laws waited so long to allow you to enjoy your pregnancy in private and let your parents break the news and get all the congrats
Also, you can find many DILs complaining about how the in-laws spend sooo much money on gifts etc all from the son’s earnings. It seems that your in-laws may be “kanjoos” but again, you should be glad, because otherwise they would spend all their money livin the good life and then expect YOUR husband (their son) to send money and support their grand lifestyle. You should be glad they don’t meddle with your business, are letting you and your husband keep your money to spend however you please, and are not imposing their taste on your. For example, I can guarantee you can find posts on life1 with DILs complaining about how MIL bought some ugly, shiny, uncomfortable outfit for the grandson’s first birthday/aqeeqa/etc and now he MUST wear it instead of wearing whatever stylish outfit you had planned. see? so much to be thankful for.
I know I shouldn’t be bothered about some stuff n be thankful! But i cant help it!
Yes they are well off but they still demanding money from us to be sent every month. When they know we are trying to get settled financially. My MIL plans to come here and do shopping from here, meaning she won’t be buying from her money but from her Son. But so far no real attempts have been made to ensure she comes during my delivery, ie visa or passport… The reason being, oh there precious daughter will be left alone in pk with her in laws, she is so “innocent n brought up in closed envuronjent”.. Wait she has been married in her relatives.. When in fact she is full churail!
You know, I was we’ll close to my dadi n nani n being the eldest grandchild, I was pampered a lot by both beautiful ladies! I can’t help but think my mum is very lucky in having my Dadi as MIL and how good n close my mum n phophos were! Like real sisters! Whereas my own husband sister is real snake!
Rose I had a laughing fit. Your mil n my mil have to be sisters. My mil us suffering from bareeze fever aswell. She’d tell me during my eng period how she just wears bareeze.
Rose hun we have a lot in common. My mil left me 2 weeks after my delivery dint allow me to spend chilla at my home cz she wanted me to tc of her princess while mil went abroad to help another sil with her delivry that was after 2 freaking months.
My pil hardly spent on my baby. They didn’t even contribute a penny for mithai and aqeeqa function. I did not get any gift as such. My mom on the other hand did everything for me. From panjeeri to paying the maslish wali to giving mubarakbaadi to all the servants drivers at my inlaws. Shadi se pehle ki show yaad ker k hassi ati hai. Sae showoff theen meri saas. I was never offered any help in pregnancy. There were few things missing for panjeeri n my mil called my mom to get it aswell. And that was something as cheap as 4 maghz. Stop expecting from inlaws.
Trust me, I’m also on my own during the pregnancy. My parents live couple of hours on drive away but they can’t come regularly! But thank god, they will be here to support me during the delivery! Husband is also supportive but you know how men are like! There not always there 100% to do work! lol I wonder what happen to the so called plannings of my pILS of coming here and do stuff when they haven’t even applied for passports!
so if your parents, while living only a few hours away, can’t come and help you then its legitimate and dandy but your in-laws who live across the world not yet applying for passports is a big deal? um, negative much? If I was your MIL, I would think, hey her own mother lives so close she probably doesn’t need me to come and interfere at this sensitive time
Pregnancy is not an ailment or life threatening disease for god’s sake! What exactly so you think they should be doing for you?!
Why do you guys feel so entitled and slighted? Stop expecting so much and you won’t feel disappointed.
And yes, I also had inlaws who didn’t so much as look my way during years of infertility treatments, 2 high risk pregnancies and premature delivery of twins, and you know what, I was GRATEFUL that I had one less thing to worry about and was able to do things my own way, lol!
My saas was not hands on with the rearing of my children, nor does she have a super active role on their lives, but I know she loves her grandkids dearly and I go out of my way to make sure they love and respect her equally as they did their nani.
Um no not negative but she also didn’t have to go all the way lying through my pregnancy that we will come during your time and do shopping stuff together etc. not once buy repeatedly being sad. If you read carefully I said my parents will b very supportive n are supporting me through delivery time. And I am very thankful for that!!
But in laws don’t have to lie or show off all the time that they will be cmng has even told my relatives n parents they will come n visit me. Raising much hopes for me n hubby??
