This is for moms out there. Anyone else notice that their mother does more for their baby than their husband’s mother?
I live with my in laws but my hubby’s mom will only babysit my baby for a short while if I need to get some house work done. She doesnt read to her, do tummy time or do anything that will stimulate her and help her learn. She does sing to her occasionally but normally she will just hold her in her lap while watching tv. She doesnt change her diapers or any of that stuff because I am at home these days and normally take care of it.
My own mother on the other hand doesnt even live with us but when she comes over she will just take my daughter and change her diaper if she needs a change. When I visit her, she helps me bathe my daughter, reads to her, gives her tummy time and even hand washes her clothes if she soils them at her place! She takes care of her as though I would take care of her…obviously I do more but she is the only other person that does so much for my baby next to me and my husband.
Why is it that Nani ammas do more for their grandchildren than dadi ammas?
The same reason that daughters ask their mothers for child-rearing and other advice aur saasu-maa ke saat bahu-begum seedhey moonh baat karna bhi gavaara nahin karteen.
Also, different people have different levels of comfort with children and different ways they like to interact with them (in addition, your own relationship might be influencing the way they interact with your child, though it might not). All the changing/feeding "work" is for the parents to do; if others help, great! But I don't think it should be expected/compared.
Both my grandmothers jointly raised me. I grew up cared for by both, my nano passed away when I was really young, and after that I had only my dado whom I share openly with and really do love. I feel like she genuinely cares very deeply for me, sometimes even more than any other grandchild, I hope I'm not being delusional in my perception.
S02 - I agree. I never "expect" my mother or mother-in-law to do those things - it is just that I have noticed my mother will do it without me even asking her to. Or if I say "no don't worry, I'm almost done eating...I will change her" she will just be like "no its ok I will go change her now."
My mom just does so much for her without even asking, including buying her clothes, toys, furniture etc. My mom has bought soooooooooooo much stuff for my daughter. My mother-in-law hasnt bought anything.
Also, different people have different levels of comfort with children and different ways they like to interact with them (in addition, your own relationship might be influencing the way they interact with your child, though it might not). All the changing/feeding "work" is for the parents to do; if others help, great! But I don't think it should be expected/compared.
Its true and no its not saas bahu issue here for gods sake the child is her SONS daughter not just the DILs. What a silly idea to suggest.
My mother is same whether kids her sons kids or my kids yet my MIL doesn't do anything even looking after her own grand children for an hour is a chore. So living in a joint family seems pointless. Us daughters in law get all the crap do double the house work yet MIL just moan all day long how tired they are from making one roti or one salan.
I dont agree with this either - my mother in law does so much with my daughter when i was in pak she was more close to her dado than me it soemtimes felt like i was just having her to myself at night time! On the other hand my mum does alot with my baby too but due to her not being vwey well shes doesnt do as much as my mil does!
Alhumdulillah my mil is amazing. Im due witg 2nd baby and shes coming to the uk and im looking forward to having her with me shes so good with children x
even if such is the case, dont ever talk abot this difference infront of your kids.. my mom and dadi didnt have the best of relationships but our mom never said anything infront of us, to the point that when we grew up, we noticed things but were too scared to say anything in case Ammi scolded us!
and dont worry, once your child becomes a bit more active,she will get attention from everyone :-)
My Dadi had over 65 grandchildren, yeap her very own 65 grandkids. We never saw our Nana/Nani as they had both passed away. My Abu was one of the younger siblings out of 8. My Dadi always stayed with us, as my Abu wanted her in our lives in the UK.
Dadi would visit Pakistan but always call saying how she missed my Abu, my Mum and the children. We were not the only grandchildren in the UK, my Phopho lived just a few mins away from us. My Dadi did not take care of us, bathe, food etc,as she was unable to, but she loved us with all her heart. Now that she has passed away masha'Allah, she lived to be in her 90's (was a widow since her early 30's) , my other cousins say how we were her fave grandchildren.
When she visited Pakistan where her daughters lived, she would be shuttled from one house to another, and that really hurt her. She viewed our house as 'her' home.
My Dadi did not physically care for us, but she told us all the children stories, stories of her childhood, made endless 'choori' and zarda, taught us how to pray, listen to us reading Quran. If we were in trouble by our parents , she would stand in front of us and say 'don't you dare say a thing to MY children'.. She was our ally, much to my parents chagrin.
I don't have kids yet but my SIL does. Once, we were randomly talking about children and my MIL goes BETI ke bacche, BETE ke bacchon se zyada azeez hote hain! Go figure! If she said it to my face, I wonder how her actual treatment will be. But, I've seen women who are equal to their sons' or daughters' kids, like my own grandma.
. If we were in trouble by our parents , she would stand in front of us and say 'don't you dare say a thing to MY children'.. She was our ally, much to my parents chagrin.
not to derail this thread but eeeek that's every parents nightmare.. not just dadi, but even the other parent, nani, khala etc!!!
Personally, this wont work in my house but other than that I do think grandparents are a blessing! But then I think grandparents should pamper while parents discipline, just dont interfere when parents are disciplining!It gives a wrong message to kids since they see if adults cant agree so they can geta way with it!
not to derail this thread but eeeek that's every parents nightmare.. not just dadi, but even the other parent, nani, khala etc!!!
Personally, this wont work in my house but other than that I do think grandparents are a blessing! But then I think grandparents should pamper while parents discipline, just dont interfere when parents are disciplining!It gives a wrong message to kids since they see if adults cant agree so they can geta way with it!
Oh yes, I agree with you on this also. We did know what our limits were, but when we wanted, we would use it to our advantage! Every child does.
As we got older we knew better than to get Dadi involved in our matters.
An idea as to how my Dadi's relationship was with my Mom, Dadi passed away in my Moms arms, even though her own daughters were by her side when she passed away. (my Abu passed away before my Dadi). She made my Mom promise when she died, that Mom would make sure she was washed and buried immediately, none of the crazy rasms taking place and to make sure no one made a spectacle of themselves.
My Mom says, despite family ups and downs and drama, Dadi made sure never to discuss it in front of the grandchildren or influence us in a negative way.
i think it depends on the relationship between a mil and a bahu... if they have open communication..and care bout each other... its automatic that the mil feels like she has a right over the bahu's kids too... a mil may feel uneasy changing the diaper.. say... cuz she may feel that the bahu wont like it or what if she didnt wash the baby right or put the right cream on? this inconfidence may stem from the fact that bahu begum and her not being on page bout a lot of things.
just one of many possibilites..
i didnt allow anyone to change my kids diapers.. its not something i like.. everything else.. from feeding to putting to sleep .. my mil did for my kids..she even took care of my son when i was delivering my daughter.. changed him and put him to sleep etc.. this with her struggling with cancer.
but thats cuz i had a very open relationship with my mil.. she knew that even if i didnt like something.. i would never put her on the spot.. nor ridicule her.. also.. i never had a dicatation set or rules ... over waht seh could or could not do with my children...
when a grandparent feels like they are trusted.. they go all out for their grandkids.. its not a matter of nani or dadi.. nana or dada... its a matter of trust.
(im not talking bout hte rare gems that think they raised their own kids and thats enough.. no more raising grandkids).
that's a pretty big generalization, i think, and i think khawa has it right- it depends on the relationship you have with your MIL, and vice versa.
my MIL is different from my mother in how she deals with my son. i get that its mainly because she is more comfortable around older children and i have no doubt that when he is out of toddler stage and able to communicate effectively, she'll be awesome with him. not that she's any less loving now, she's just different from my mom in how she expresses it. its also because her own daughter was struggling with health issues for a very long time- longer than my son has been around- and it was taking up ALL of her mental capacity to understand, cope and help her. she's also held herself back a bit out of respect for me because i guess she doesn't want to be overbearing; we've had our differences in the past. my SIL passed away recently and since then, i've noticed she is even closer to my son than before. no doubt he brings her great joy and some small measure of healing after experiencing what she did with the loss of her only daughter, but the sad truth is, she has no one to think about now as intensively, and in an all-encompassing manner, as she did with my SIL when she was alive. her brain is empty of the thoughts of feeding, caring, medicating her daughter, and so she actually has room to think of him now. and its only now that i'm beginning to understand how huge a responsibility her daughter was and how massive a gap her loss has left in my MIL's life.
the truth is different people will love your child differently, throughout their life, not just your MIL vs. your mom. my own parents would go to the moon for my kiddo, but they're also extra bonded to him because i lived with them for the first seven weeks after giving birth. theirs is the house he came home to from hospital, my mom gave him his first bath, changed all of his diapers for the first month, took care of nighttime feedings, etc. - she was hands on because the situation called for it and because she isn't working. he also spends a ton more time with my parents on days when i'm busy and need a caregiver. my MIL doesn't get to see the kid that much because she is working, but when she sees him, she'll do whatever is necessary, making sure first that i've given her the green light. i appreciate that. for eg: like khawa, i prefer diapers only be changed by either myself, my husband or my mom, so MIL not doing it hasn't been an issue at all.
so yeah.
sorry if i was rambling a bit- there's a lot i could say on the topic.
i dont think she is trying to shrug her responsibilities off on her in laws or her own parents... its natural for all grandparents to wanna pitch in, in raising a grandchild...
I don't see it as a big deal. I see my MIL do more for her daughter's child (like taking care of her for hours, changing her diaper, feedings etc)..never saw her do that for her sons kids..BUT...she loves them all the same.
My mother, she did alot for my brother's sons too (cleaning, feeding, etc) and I know she'd do the same for mine.
Having a grandparent around is a blessing in itself,although some times family dynamics and politics might make things bitter between elders and the children can be left with estranged grandparents,even when they are very well and alive.That is way worse than a dadi not changing a diaper or not doing things another grandparent might be doing without asking.
Its a horrible feeling for a parent too to know that a grandparent does not care a lot about your child.