She is in the middle of her divorce process and we are getting married in 3 weeks time..there is no shadi feeling in his family and neither in mine…my family is disturbed cuz of their own issues…
nand ji is having bis time issues with her inlaws and husband…and my fiancee is very much involved and effected..obviously its his sister…
I just feel sad that there is no space for being happy for the upcoming wedding…he doesnt feel like he is happy though he has been very happy before things got tense at his side…
The thing is that he feels so sorry for her that its just filling too much in our conversations. now its not only conversations, its also our lives together after marriage. We are going for a 6 weeks long honeymoon and she will be alone with her child in that period.
His company is offering him a few weeks transfer to Middle East once we are back from our honeymoon. and he is suggesting that we could bring her sister and her child with us so they get a break.
I personally didnt like that we as a newly wed couple would be travelling along with his sister. she is just filling too much. and yes I think I deserve some attention as his bride…
my question is what can I say to him and dont seem like a total b’itch…
sometimes its hard to be tactful in certain matters, wat else can u say expect for da truth in this case?
its best tat he knows ur feelings. u know da kinda person he is, so talk to him in da best possible approach.
da important thing is for u get ur feelings across to him, if he's da understanding sort i doubt he wud find u *****y, but if he's typical desi then i'm afraid u juz hav to compromise.
Chameli, this nand is always going to be an issue. You need to either deal with her being a constant in your life or make it clear that her being with you as soon as you are married will not fly. I doubt that will go well with your hubby.
Chameli, I can sympathize with you fully. My nand is also going through a divorce and it feels as if it's swallowing my whole household sakoon, even though i try to mind my own business. It's made my hubby depressed and uninterested in community happenings (like shadis, dinner parties, taking trips, etc).
Most of all, I never understood husbands (including my own) who put their families first during their honeymoon periods (mine for example, delayed our actual honeymoon by 8 months so we could go to Pakistan to spend time with his mother, brother, SIL and their bratty kids. It was a financial drain on us as well as a physical and emotional one, but I looked on the bright side--I got beautiful valima pictures and looked great on my valima, many dinner parties in my honor, we went out every night to fun restaurants, etc).
You have two options. You can look at the glass half empty or half full. Be optimistic! Try to be upbeat about the wedding. Don't give a damn about what others are going through. The wedding is about you and your fiance. Not nand's ex husband, not grandma's arthritis, not brother's bad school grades. You are going on a 6 week honeymoon alone with him, which is far more than most couples get--look forward to that and consider yourself lucky in that regard. You can try to buy some time before having she comes to stay with you by explaining to him very GENTLY that you're looking forward to setting up a home with him, how the newlywed days are a once in a lifetime experience, how you're not so confident about how you'll be as a homemaker and that you want a few months to practice cooking and managing the house before you take in any guests. You don't want to be a bad hostess and you want everything to be perfect when she comes. Carefully mention that you two may need a little more privacy in the first few months of marriage.
Also, where are your parents in law? Why aren't they caring for her? If her children are school age, then it might not be in their best interest to have them move from the one thing that's stable in their life: school and their friends. Mention that to him: "I worry how the kids will handle the move, being so far away from their friends and even their dad and their other set of grandparents. It's so hard for them." Make that your mantra. Also, how does the nand's ex feel about having his children so far away? And how will the children feel about not seeing their father so readily? It's hard on kids, no need to make it harder.
DP, I am not speaking of nands in general but of this particular nand. Go back and read Chameli's older threads with her dealings with her nand and perhaps you will understand where my comment is coming from. Again, it was not directed at nand's in general. I thought that was pretty clear, but I guess not.
I am being very understanding and have been that for ages now I think. But this is my wedding, my time with my husband and noone should hijack that from me.
If she had been nice to me before I might have had another opinion but this person doesnt deserve it from a person like me. I am very sorry to feel and say that!
I feel like going away for ages with my husband and dont let anyone interfere in our lives.
I think he will cancel the unique opportunity of being transferred to stay near her cuz she cannot travel once her child starts school. Once we are back from the honeymoon I fear that all the newly wed couple thingies will be gone as he would want to be near her all the time.
I never got full attention from my parents or family and now when it really is my time for full attention its just being ignored
Their parents dont live in the same city and she doesnt want her mother to visit her due to a quiet bad relationship with her and her father cant leave their sick mother alone in a city very far from hers.
And he is her only sibling meaning the expectations to him are really high.
What I dont get it why all her troubled relations are effect mine relationship with him. She doesnt like her mum, so he has to be there for her even more. Instead of forgiving her mother and move on…and give us as a couple more space…
I myself have had many issies with own parents but forgiven and moved on…I dont demand from anyone to be there for me when I need them. I solve my problems myself…y cant she do the same on the longer run…and how can I help her doing that? so that we get more space and privacy later on…
And one more thing....calling home reguraly on a honeymoon is a big no no but I think he is gonna call her a lot and it is actually exactly those days when she is planning to divorce finally.
I know that she will need to talk to someone and especially her brother but we will be on our one and only honeymoon and i wud like to enjoy it as much as possible without her interference on phone or mail
I know that she will need to talk to someone and especially her brother but we will be on our one and only honeymoon and i wud like to enjoy it as much as possible without her interference on phone or mail
I think its kinda selfish what you just said. I understand that you want complete privacy but it seems you arent willing to understand your husbands feeling. Tell me this, if something like this happened to you siblings (Allah na karre) would you be able to enjoy the honeymoon or the honeymoon? Perhaps you could postpone the wedding? For like a month or so? This matter clearly disturbs you alot so perhaps you should try to find some sort of solution because I think there is no way he is going with you on a honeymoon with a clear mind.
I know that she will need to talk to someone and especially her brother but we will be on our one and only honeymoon and i wud like to enjoy it as much as possible without her interference on phone or mail
of course he is going to call her!! his sister is getting a divorce and is with her child alone.
i totally agree with what dutch paki said above..... when it comes to matters like this...you cant think about yourself. your husband will appreciate you a lot more for being understanding of his feelings and what his family is going through.
if you arent happy with it then postpone the wedding OR postpone the honeymoon.
another thing....he seems like he has great regards and concern for his family. He will always be like this....so either you will have to respect it...or dont marry him. Dont think that he will put you first...before his own family. it shouldnt be that way....biwi apne jagah and his family apne jagah. dont put him in a situation where he has to choose becuase right now....that is exactly what you are doing.
. Gosh, you managed to keep that one quiet :-s