Considering the usual Pakistani style family politics I need some serious advise.
alot of importance is given to the first child of the eldest son .. I want to have a healthy involvement from my inlaws side as well as my parents and sisters . Since my FIL and MIL will become dada dadi for the first time they are super excited but they have had a large family themselves plus over 15 kids from daughters .. so they have had ample opportunity to name the kids in their family.
On the contrary in my family, I am the eldest and we are a small family of girls. We havnt had a baby boy even in our extended family since a very long time. Therefore, my parents are naturally over excited firstly coz this is the first time they are becoming grandparents. Secondly coz Allah is blessing us with a baby boy and in a family of girls , this baby boy is much celebrated.
Now, everyone wants to take part in keeping the name. In essence I want my father and mother to choose a final name for my baby purely to honour them. but wanna do this without making anyone feel left out.
What should the best strategy be?
1- I tell both families to start giving name options , I create a list and then shortlist 3 names and let my mom dad choose one.
2- I share the shortlist with my FIL, MIL , mother and father .. and let the four of them decide on a final name from the shortlist?
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
create a short list you like of three names. be open to making any one of these the middle name in case the parents and parents in law like something different. share with both sets of parents and see what happens.
personally speaking, my first baby is being named by me and solely me and im not taking anyone's advice. im still "baking" and meanwhile i have shared my absolute name options with both my parents, his parents and my husband.
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
I am SO HAPPY ITS A BOY YAAAYYYYYY CELEBRATIONS!!! and ma sha Allah infinity.
That being said, let your parents choose the name and whisper into your ear. Finalise it but DONT spread the word (that it was your parents’ choice). Atleast I would have done so if I were you, to avoid any conflict. You never know with the people. Sometimes they are just looking for an excuse.
So you: have your parents choose the name and you have it for the baby you can tell anything to the people about name selection: it was suggested by the imam of your community mosque or anything
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
Naming the baby is such a tricky situation in desi families. I believe only parents should decide especially the mother. I didn't get to decide my kids' names except my middle one.
A huge fight took place in the family at the time of my jaith's first born and they couldn't name the baby until 6 weeks but in the end had to give in to grandparents choice.
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
Miraaaaaage .. I thought you are out of internet
problem is if i try to make an excuse , my husband will think i am not being fair with his side of the family. but during this whole thing, I also dont want me or husband to be left out.. so i thought perhaps husband and I can make three choices and then let parents take the final choice , that way what ever name they choose , husband and I will also feel happy with the name … see where i am coming from ?
Demesne , your idea is quite a strong one , regards the middle name , incase both parties have a disagreement
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
first of all congratulations CB!!!
may Allah make your labor and delivery easy and bless you with a healthy baby inshaAllah!!!
our baby was also the first baby in family so everyone was very excited..we asked my parents as well as inlaws n also told what names we like n explained its meaning so there was no issue....
so we actually asked everyone but at the end decided what we liked :)
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
Naming the baby is such a tricky situation in desi families. I believe only parents should decide especially the mother. I didn't get to decide my kids' names except my middle one.
A huge fight took place in the family at the time of my jaith's first born and they couldn't name the baby until 6 weeks but in the end had to give in to grandparents choice.
Exactly Hareem, this is the situation i am keen on avoiding .. coz i know in excitement everyone overrides the fact tht it should be the mother and father of the baby who keep the ultimate name!
I can handle my parents but cant handle the inlaws .. so am seriously anxious as to what strategy to follow to create a minimum rift..
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
JazakAllah Akmoti for all the dua, I need them so much in my life
Yup, I see where you are coming from. the only question is , since I want , with the consent of my husband , that the final choice come from my parents .. that is where I suspect politics might erupt
but i think your adivise is brilliant, I can implement it with BIL’s and SIL’s and my sisters .. hai na
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
I like akmoti's idea.....ask both parties for the suggestions and you and your husband can finalize the name.
But then Hareem, during early pregnancy husband and I had decided and shared with my parents that if its a girl, we will name the baby but if its a boy we will let my parents make the final choice.
Supposing my parents give name options that are totally different from my Parents in law.. and husband and I choose a name, we are actually killing the entire "honouring my parents " things .. see where i am coming from?
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
akmoti , that is the problem , he is pretty close to his family and if I ask him to keep it to himself and not tell his family, his next thought process will be , they are also the grandparents of the child and then a whole new trust issue discussion will begin :hinna:
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
not sure about 1st child, with me, my husband had said he liked a name even BEFORE i was pregant with my first. he went on and on and on and on and when he found out we were having a girl, he began calling my stomach that name too.
so when she was born, he saw the 23 hour labour i went thru, the pain and the birth, he timidly asked me so have u thought of any names,....i wanted to smack his face in. after brainwashing me with only one name for over a year, OF COURSE NOT.
bless, he only asked me cos he saw the pain i had gone through, however we did name her what he had alreayd chosen.
2ND TIME- i did some chalaki. my mum liked a name, but she was hesitatant incase my inlaws would object. so in the end i told everyone that my eldest daughter had picked the name ( we wrote all names by both sides on papers, and got my daughter to pick a papaer) obv we told them she picked the name my mum liked.
DO SOME CHALAKI. seriosly. sorry but many husbands side families always think they have the upper hand in choosing names.
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
This is a mess CB. You cannot possibly please everyone and in this situation, looks like you are going to lose your own peace of mind pleasing one and offending the other. Sort out some mid way.
One thing that I am not getting is, how can you possibly align both your husband's and parents' choice without prefering one over the other. either party has to give way for the other, and I thought your husband would understand and respect your wish. You can compensate by finalizing the name according to your inlaws choice. How, let me tell you:
Ask your parents first, to choose atleast three names.
Bring these three names along to your inlaws, try to avoid telling them the names were selected by your parents. Ofcourse bring your hub in confidence and he may make a story about how the three names were selected. now let the inlaws decide and choose the final name.
Make your husband understand how critical the situation is and tell yourself too that its okay if he is left out in this name selection thingy because you yourself are left out too.
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
have a talk with your husband first. Remind him what you bith had decided about name selection if its a boy. Sing some song that can bring his memory back (like they do in indian movies ) also refer to the nagin dance if stimulation needed
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
Nadz , you are absolutely right girl.. I simply cant understand this culture, its totally beyond me .. and yes chalaaki is definitely needed ...
Mirage sounds good , but in that husband and I will be left out ... something we dont wanna do .. Here's what i am thinking so far reading all the valuable advise from you guys :
Tell everyone to give name options = Everyone getting involved
husband and I shortlist three names = husband/me get to do our bit too
ask my father to talk to my FIL and between them choose a final name out of the shortlist = both fathers getting due important along with their ladies
Incase there is a disagreement between both fathers , we give baby a first name and a second name . and we dont involve any brothers and sisters and whoever at this final naming time. So that way FIL and my father will both feel important , at the same time husband and I will also not feel left out..
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
the problem, CB, is the inlaws. You can get away if your parents or hubby is not happy but the inlaws is a different case. Once they get a chance, its hard they will ever forget. Im not sure if the idea of having the name be selected by either of the fathers works or not because it depends how easy going or stubborn/ hard to please both fathers are.
Re: Naming the first baby and Family involvement..
Mirage , thats where i have the edge .. my father and my FIL are both easy going and hence why I feel confident that they wont create any issues ..
Its the BIL’s and SIL’s that i worry about .. they are trouble mongers and if their involvement is limited to the beginning of the process , rest is easy , me thinks
you can tell anything to the people about name selection: it was suggested by the imam of your community mosque or anything 
have a talk with your husband first. Remind him what you bith had decided about name selection if its a boy. Sing some song that can bring his memory back (like they do in indian movies 
