I know my mother means well but she’s never said much positive to me her whole life. Well, my whole life I guess. We went out today and from the moment we get in the car to the moment we got back it’s been nag nag nag. Everything I do wrong. My diet, my weight ( and it’s not like I’m fat), my driving, my seatbelt, I should buy this and not that.
I got back and was aching - I’ve caught a cold which is just another stressor which means I might be dismissed from work for ten days which I cannot afford. She sees I’m foggy headed and tired and finally wrestled the tv from my dad she starts going on and on about the dramas on geo.
She is generally sweet but so mean about her inlaws. We don’t live with them. They don’t bother her. She still complains. My dad JUST resumed talking to her after a cold period after Eid when she complained of my paternal side cousin, who honestly did nothing to deserve her nasty remarks. So when I threw my temper tantrum today of handing my mom the remote, my dad jumps in and yells at her. I didn’t look at her face but I could feel her heart breaking into pieces. Problem is that she WONT stop nagging N backbiting our relatives.
Then, knowing it’s my one goddamn weekend off, these two want me to give some free professional advice to family friends. Look I’m not a bloody pooch. You want to hear my opinion? Then pay me. Same family that calls me their daughter and let’s their kid marry someone else. So sorry mum! I don’t particularly care to go see them on a Saturday night!!!
Oh yeah - sorry for rambling. My head is totally out of ficus tonight. My question is - what is the next step? We tried talking to her every year!!!! We always get in fights for this reason and she just does not get it.
You know PCG when life gets derailed there comes a time where you got to ditch your family.
Or you cant live in peace.
Love some time sucks. Some time its better to live away from it.
Trust me on that.
Its better to miss them then to live with them.
Dear PC - that's rough. As for the advice seeking friends, perhaps you could try this...I don't know what type of profession you're in, but I usually just listen politely and then tell the person seeking advice that what they need is related to matters in which I don't specialize and that they should seek someone who does have the requisite expertise.
As for the other issue...dunno what to tell you other than to try to always be respectful and employ the "nod, smile and in-one-ear-out-the-other" method. And for every negative thing, try to bring to mind all the positives regarding your mom.
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As corny as it sounds, try talking to her with positive points first. If she's backbiting about others, could it be due to jealousy, which basically stems from insecurity? Tell her you love and that you know her advice is well-meaning but that you find it hurtful when she.....etc etc etc. Try talking to her about backbiting from an Islamic perspective.Let her know HONESTLY that as much as you love her.........her behavior is making it difficult for you AND your dad to be around her for too long...and that frequent focusing on negative points makes you feel like limiting contact because there's not a whole lot of positive conversation taking place. Maybe this might be a wake-up call to her.
People tend to walk all over us when we don't apply a consequence. You're a teacher. You know that when you don't apply a consequence to a student when you say you will.......the student doesn't take you seriously and will think, "Aaah, I can get away with this misbehavior cuz she's never does anything about it. She's not serious and neither am I." And you find that you actually have DO something about the situation BESIDES frequent lecturing. I think it applies to people in general. Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone (even temporarily). Sometimes you don't realize your mistakes....until you ACTUALLY SEE what it has led to.
So after you and dad tell her "one last time" that her negative behavior (complaining, backbiting) is taking a toll on you both to the point you feel like limiting contact with her..........................then DO IT! The next time she behaves in that way.......limit contact. Walk away. And if your dad does it as well......perhaps she'll realize that it REALLY is off-putting for you both.
Don't OVERDO the isolation to the point that it really hurts her. But simply get up and kindly say, "This conversation is taking a negative turn. Life is too short. I'll talk to you later." And leave. Your dad could try that as well. IF done regularly, it could work.
Like when you're tired of someone complaining about the same issue. IF you encourage the person, they will never stop. But if you repeatedly change the subject and don't fuel them......eventually they quit. I dunno....how effective it will be....but try it with a little more consistency and united effort from your dad.
Haha! your mom sounds like my dad. I’m so happy I don’t live in the same house with them. It gets annoying. Moms are always telling you the same story ten times. I used to sit there and listen. but now I just say " oh yeah mama aap ne bata thaa. Yeh howa tha usne X bola agay se Y ne muka mara. Yaad hai mujhe". Oh with dads it’s a totally different story: CONSTANTLY NAGGING ABOUT MUM’S SIDE OF THE FAMILY. You dont like them. Tough. You shouldn’t have married her then. If it’s not about her family ( who are adorable really compared to his) then it’s about my brothers. Which makes me think if everyone and everything bothers you then YOU are the one who needs to change. Maybe there’s a fault with yourself?
I could talk to her again but it'll be the 100th time we are having this conversation. Normally I just let her boss me around because she is at that age where she no longer controls her kids and being a housewife...it's kind of like getting laid off from work.
She just doesn't get how unacceptable it is. Deep down I feel that all these years she made fun of her nand who never got married and mocked her for no one wanting to marry her...that the punishment for that is now being carried through me. I'm 26 and no proposal yet and it's not like I'm some crazy churail. I hope my mom realizes that she's now having to pay for all the backbiting she has done.
I could talk to her again but it'll be the 100th time we are having this conversation. Normally I just let her boss me around because she is at that age where she no longer controls her kids and being a housewife...it's kind of like getting laid off from work.
She just doesn't get how unacceptable it is. Deep down I feel that all these years she made fun of her nand who never got married and mocked her for no one wanting to marry her...that the punishment for that is now being carried through me. I'm 26 and no proposal yet and it's not like I'm some crazy churail. I hope my mom realizes that she's now having to pay for all the backbiting she has done.
She won't have anyone to "backbite" to if you and your dad are not going to hang around when she starts up with that. Backbiting is no fun if there's nobody listening to it. Don't feed her habit, PCG.
Tell your mom about backbiting with Islamic reference. PRINT out references from websites and have her read it. Tell her that** "Look, Mom....if your frequent backbiting is TURNING OFF your own child and husband...........can you imagine how others might be feeling. If it doesn't bother you that you're earning gunnah from Allah for backbiting.................keep in mind that the listener also receives gunnah for listening to gossip. Why do you want me and dad to earn Allah's punishment just because you can't control yourself. I care about Allah's judgment so i'm going to remove myself when you start being negative. It affects health."**
You said that she's a housewife who has been laid off. Well.........when there's nobody around to "manage" "nag" discipline" "complain to"............maybe she'll see that you're SERIOUSLY bothered by it. Actions speak louder than words....and as the saying goes.....seeing is believing.
No no. I used it as a metaphor. That having your kids move away is LIKE getting laid off in that you no longer have your job that normally kept you busy...and away from retarded behavior.
^ It's called empty nest syndrome. Is your dad spending enough time with her? Your dad can tell her firmly that I'm not hanging around if the conversation takes a negative nagging gossiping turn.....I want our marriage to be a positive one. And he could take her out.......do all the things that were tougher to do when the kids were younger, kwim? They can go shopping together........trying cooking new recipes together........go to the movies....go traveling........maybe smaller trips at first. He can try surprising her with kind gestures. It can make a difference on a person's mood. They naturally begin to feel more appreciated.....and happy.......and you feel more motivated to reciprocate. This might help if the negativity is a result from feeling under-appreciated/burned-out/or insecure. Talk to your dad about it.
Serious replies only, please.
and 
for saying this but not only mothers but most women nag and nag and nag. A women trait I think