My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

Society Religion & Philosophy
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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

Amarbail, first of all I am sorry to hear you lost a child but let me tell you that I know another couple, who lost their infant a few weeks after birth also because of apparent "negligence" of the mother. But the new mom was young and inexperienced and it was their first born. I am telling you this because things like this unfortunately can and does happen to others too so don't think of your wife any less because you lost your child. It was God's will.

Second, mashaAllah you have a child. That is an asset which will pay long term dividends. Think about his/her future. Divorces are Pakistan are very rare-- and because they are frowned upon especially for woman, which means few if any woman would take the route of divorce/khula if she could in any way avoid it--you child will most likely hold you accoutable for the divorce in future. A father's affection and support is also very important for the child's upbringing. The security and love that children find in a loving family, which includes the father, will make them confident and more likely to succeed in future in their education/ career/ future homes etc.

Have a talk with your her in-laws calmly, even though they are being unreasonable. Assure them that you would love to live with your wife and that this arrangement is temporary. If possible, try to find a different job so that you could live with your family, and tell your inlaws that you are looking for a different job. Remember, as people say, paisa anay janay will cheeze hai and rizq Allah kai hath main hay. At this point of time, the priority should be saving your marriage so even if switching job means you will have to settle for less, that does not mean you are doomed to life of low income.

Moreover, talk to your wife in private if possible. Again assure her that you would love to live with her and your child and that you do not belive that you will always live separately from them. Ask your wife what other concerns she has. May be it is the age old saas bahu jhagra? You know there are saas who can be the nicest women out there but becase they had their own bitter memories of being the bahu, perhaps they subconsciouly think that their daughters in-law would silently endure everything like they did and would not mind if they are blunt/bit harsh on her. Of course, they might still be the most wonderful ladies but just because they are not being harsh deliberately doesn't mean it isn't painful, especially for a relatively newly wed bahu.

Maybe your wife feels insecure/unloved. Make her feel special. Talk or write to her as often as possible. Buy special gifts for her the next time you go to Pakistan. Assure her you still love her and your child even if because of the nature of your job you are not able to stay with them.

Best of luck Amarbail.

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

1) What that documents would be, Divorce paper or Khula paper?
Dont Sign them ..Its Not KHULA ..Its Divorce paper ..means from you..NO once can force you to give Divorce ..
2) What if I dont receive them as I do understand my father-inlaw will be sending by driver to my company
*Its not court paper , its normal Talaq nama paper
**3) Will there be any expiry date of such document?
**Nothing *
4) What if the case has been registered with the court for Khula, do I need to appear, what if I dont go?

5) In case of Khula, what about the gold? As per nikah nama (gold from girls' mother and guy side will be girls property). My question is if Khula happened, do I need to give her gold from both sides.
6) Dowry? to be returned all? what about the gifts etc?

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

I have been passing the same phase of life and Alhamdulillah, Allah help me out of that phase of life.

My in-laws use my wife to get financial benefits for all their life, but when I replied she withdraw her case and return back

What I did will share with you, for the purpose that you save your marriage and save your kids

Most probably the case against you will be

· KHULA
· Financial support for the kids
· Return of Dowry

You need to hire some lawyer for that if you want to fight...It’s your life /your kids life...you have to fight for your kids

Most of the Lawyer will suggest you this

· Khula has to be processed
· Young kids has to be remain with mother until their Hizanat age ( Boy 7/Girls 9)
· Dowry article case will be discussed in court

*What I Did *

I replied them harder against whatever allegation they have against me. I mentionsin the financial benefits are the main reason for the khula. I mentioned all the valuable dowry articles are with them

And

Against financial benefit, I mentioned I don’t want khula...but they asking money for my children i will give them service...i pay school fees my self/i pay medical insurance so less amount of money will go to my in-laws

*And *

I filed a case against them to return my kids, even kids are younger but the law is (The court will see the benefit of the kids)...so you have to put the case such a way that you are well wisher of the kids and you are in better situation for upbringing of your children

Court Procedure

Once case filed you will get some letter from court, you have to hire one lawyer. You don’t need to go there; you can assign any person (Your brother/Father)
Their to handle the case,

in start 4/5 month nothing will happen court, your lawyer will ask for some time (Try as much delay as much you can ) once you reply and file child custody case against your in-laws , Insha’Allah there will be some hope of reconciliation ..

Then judge will ask for both parties to come to court for reconciliation...if this reconciliation got success all the cases will be withdrawn...otherwise after some more hearing khula will be granted and other cases will run ..

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

How do you know that she is not being pressurized by her parents or coerced by her parents to ask for divorce ?
Even if she have said in a family jirga that she wants divorce and she has talked bad about you and your family , she might not have been doing it at her own free will. She might be saying that she does not want to talk to you then it might be because her parents know that if she talks to you she might break and might reconcile which she do not want for some reason known to them.
From your posts I fail to understand the reason behind her and her parents irrational behavior that is why I think that she is being a puppet at the hands of her parents . She is not doing all this with her own free will.
What kind of pressure they her parents are putting on her and what kind of coercive tactics they have used , you might not know.
If you can arrange for her to talk to you freely where her parents and their hawaries are not present then you might get the real wish and will of your wife.

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

Amarbail, don't mean to be rude but there is something that is really niggling at me.. you don't want to give her a divorce but at the same time u said u have no plans or intention to go back to Pakistan to sort it out?

Unless it is because you absolutely can't (because of work commitments etc tho I would have thought in an emergency you'd be able to get away) rather than u don't want to doesn't seem as tho you're acting in the right way, after all she has her rights as well and as someone else already pointed out you are actually obliged Islamically to spend a certain amount of time with your wife anyway, not just leave her with inlaws whilst you're living somewhere else.. even moreso long-term..

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

Guys, thanks for your valuable input/advise ...

I said that I dont have any plans to go to Pakistan because my in-laws have decided themselves that 1) they will not let my wife to come back to me or to live with my in-laws 2) they have decided to break this relation.

Now, keeping inview the above two recent developments, I see nothing beneficial to go to Pakistan as my wife and my in-laws are not ready to talk/discuss anything.

My wife has not even given me that much of importance to share on-going things, how can I believe that it was not her wish but a forceful decision imposed on her by the parents? She is available on net, using facebook etc why can't she emailed me or sms me for a single contact?

I have still kept silence and haven't said any word yet to my in-laws or to my wife which is an indication that I dont want to take first step for the breakup by all means. I have heard that my father in-law has brought the paper of divorce here for my signature but he have not yet taken any step.

Similarly, a recent development also happened where my father in-law has forwarded a letter of apology to my mother by a third person (outside the family) in which he admit that being the father of my wife, he has said so many bad things to my mother and he apologize from himself and on behalf of his family, hoping that my mother who is the elder sister of my father in-law will forgive ... !

But, after sending the letter of apology (maafi-nama) they started telling my relatives that they will be processing the divorce paper where I will be asked to sign ...

What sort of a maafi naama is this, where you claim that you were wrong and on the other hand, you are in the process of making Divorce thing happen?

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

Although the events are sad, but sending out mafi nama sounds like a decent thing that your FIL did. It however does not mean that they want their daughter to live with you. He is apologziing for his words, not for their decsion of asking for divorce.

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

It was only because I involve a political party to handle them as they were all together and on-one was their to let them stop or to let them feel that what-ever they are saying about my mother, my deceased father or blaming me, my younger sister is not a good act. On the other hand, the involvement of this party becomes necessary as my mother and younger sister lives alone in Karachi.

The maafi-naam was given only because my father in-law realized that his family could be in danger due to the reaction from my side.

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

I am sorry Amar, but by involving some goons of a political party, you gave them more of a reason not to make their daughter live with you. I am surprised that you did not involve the imam of your local masjid to talk to them instead.

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Re: My wife has asked for a Divorce, what if I dont want to give?

My dear TLK,

My in-laws are very much into religion, but sad to know that sometime people offer prayers just to leave an impression on others that they are religious. I cannot write here the exact words which my in-laws said for me and my family but that has explored their inside to us and Im grateful to Almighty that today we have seen the real face of my in-laws.

I have no doubt, that if there was someone else in my position, he would have definately taken a strong revenge to all the things that has happened so far, but I am quiet and have been bearing everything not because I cannot take any step, but only because my mother doesn't wants a breakup of this marriage. When-ever I speak to her she instruct me not to be in anger or say those 3 words, let them say what else they wanna say ...

Every relative in my family believes that my wife doesnt have one single valid reason to ask for a divorce or proceed for Khulla ... But yet again, they are keen to do this and Im only watching their movements. My father in-law who before leaving Pakistan have told all the relatives that Im taking paper of divorce for Arifs' signature has not yet contacted me after reaching UAE.

Lets wait and see, as Im fully prepared to answer them the way they proceed !