I found this forum and I thought it was pretty cool. Since i dont know any of you, i dont mind sharing my story with you guys.
Im a Pakistani living in USA (duhh right). I started dating a white girl 4.5 years ago. She was awesome. She was fun. She as easy to talk to. She was the perfect girl. After 4 months of dating I broke up with her because i knew in my heart that i would not be able to take her to my parents. She knew this, not the breaking up part but the part about my parents. She still wanted to be with me and it just couldnt be. so i had to break it off. After a couple months being away from each other, we started talking gain and it was right back to where we started, but this time we pretended that we are not in an official relationship. We spent the next 3 years together…being together but not really being together. We both knew what we were getting ourselves into but did it anyways. I fell for her…she fell for me…but we never said it to each other…I didnt because it wasnt fair to her. She deserved better. I wanted her to move on, but i thought maybe if i said that i love her it wouldve made things difficult for her. We both knew how much we cared for each other, but as time went along especially towards the end I think she just lost hope that there really wasnt a future of us together. One day came (september of 2014) she told me we should stop this. A week later she tells me she is seeing someone else. It broke my heart. Even though i knew this day was going to come sooner or later it still broke me down. My life was turned upside down. It still sort of is, but im learning to live with it. I couldnt be with her because of my parents. I couldnt do that to my parents (desi parents lol). It was too much to bear on my own so i told my dad one day about everything. About how much i loved her but i let her go and now shes with someone else and its because i didnt want to dissappoint you…She really was the perfect girl. If circumstances were different i could imagine living all my life with her. Shes gone now and Im still here. I have broken all contact with her but she is doing better than me.
Life is a wild ride. It takes us around many different turns. We all run into obstacles, some more challenging than others, but we all have our demons. This was mine.
Like i said i dont know any of you so it wont be shocking if none of you give a crap about this lol but its something i wanted to share.
Pain is just temporary. I had couple of run ins too with non-brown chicks .. nothing serious but nonetheless I knew I was wasting my time because brown is the only way to go. I even blogged about it here several times. Oh well. You will live!
yupp you couldnt be more right because no feeling is final. Brown really is the way to go but Im 22 and im bald…pretty good looking for a bald guy nonetheless according to people. I know how brown chicks feel about bald guys, but ight i guess because it doesnt bother me. All i can really hope for is a better future by not repeating the same mistakes.
So after 4 months of seeing her, you realized then that you shouldn’t pursue her as your parents would never accept her? Be honest with yourself, OP. You knew well before the 4 months…you knew from the get-go…you had a pretty good idea from the very first moment you approached her that your parents would not be accepting of it.
So, why do we pursue things when we know fully well our families would neither be accepting nor would we have the courage to stand up to them? Maybe we just like to satisfy our egos…or our nafs…to derive a temporary pleasure from interacting with someone with no plan for commitment whatsoever. It’s kinda selfish. It’s one thing to have that attitude with something inanimate…like a hobby. Like how we tend to develop an interest in going to the gym…or in collecting stamps and baking cupcakes…but then we lose interest and it just becomes a passing phase. But the cupcakes don’t get hurt…the stamps won’t cry…and the gym membership may hurt ur wallet but at least you’re not hurting another person. When we treat people like temporary phases of enjoyment or pleasure…it’s worse…cuz feelings are tricky…they can change over time.
Even if you didn’t say “I love you to her,” it still doesn’t matter. Often times an attachment develops for the other person…even WITHOUT ever hearing those three words. You just need time for an attachment to develop. The longer you spend talking/interacting with a girl…the greater the potential for feelings to develop. And usually…the longer you stay in touch…the stronger the attachment gets…especially with women as they are more emotional. So, you both made the mistake of keeping in touch with each other when you both knew that a mutual attraction existed. So take this as a learning experience and next time don’t be naive enough to think that the girl (or even you) won’t develop an attachment so long as you don’t tell her “I love you.” That’s never a guarantee. The only thing that can help a person detach is to spend time away from something that is starting to become like an addiction. Staying in touch regularly…even if it’s only under the label or guise of “friends” …doesn’t help you or the other person move on. It just makes people become more stuck on each other.
There is a lesson in here; learn it and move on. And the lesson is, never ride two boats at the same time. Either pick the desi boat or the western boat. If you try to ride both, chances are you will end up in neither.
Actually, in your case, YOU created this obstacle. YOU invited this “demon” into your own life even after knowing what the consequences would be. In regards to this particularity situation, you chose to make it a “wild ride”. Don’t put it on “life” or anyone else for the path YOU chose to follow.
I think right now you probably feel pretty down and its natural but in time you will learn to let go and move on. Life is pretty funny like that…years later you wonder what possessed you to do the things you did. This was probably for the best and you’ll be happier in the long run.
I don’t think this is something that has scarred you for life (you’re just 22) so please don’t share this with every woman you meet - especially desi ones. Women are much more vindictive and there’s no point giving them more ammo to throw in your face 25 years later when all is forgotten for you but not for her.
you may meet someone new that you feel just as strongly about. you never know. orrr you could’ve just introduced her to your parents. There’s plenty of brown girls and guys that are in relationships/engaged or married to non-brown people. I know plenty. Did you even talk about this girl to your parents? or were you just too intimidated by their possible refusal?
If you loved her that much, why didn’t you just talk to your parents and see what they would do and whether they would have accepted, instead of just assuming that they wouldn’t accept her? That way you could say to yourself that at least you tried.
This kind of struck me, maybe I should lay off talking to a girl who I know my parents would not accept, I would ask her but then again the same thing always goes through my mind, my parents, I dislike the culture but I’ll be real to myself, am I going to stand up them, probably not sadly, good post.
Yes you are absolutely right. It was very selfish of me. But the heart wants what it wants…I held someone very dear to me with knowing all the consequences, fully being aware of everything because that what i wanted. I do not regret it because what we had was great. I wouldnt change it other than having the courage to stand up to my parents. Its logical to think whatever you just said and any person with a clear head would think the same, but when what the heart feels is strong everything else seems to hold little meaning.
