^ Oh I agree with you! Plenty of MILs make a big deal about stupid stuff when it comes to DIL's......and plenty of DIL's (this one 1 great example) make a big deal about stupid stuff when it comes to MILs.
When a relationship lacks MUTUAL respect and MUTUAL willingness to compromise.....ridiculous stuff like this is bound to cause major tension. In this situation, since OP is the one that needs a place to call "home", and her son isn't about to leave his wife/kids for her.........unfortunately it's upto OP to figure out a way to make the situation work so her son will allow her to move back in with him permanently. And part of that compromise just might be that she needs to talk to her grandkids in English, stop doing chores around the house without the bahu's approval, and stop telling the bahu that she needs to clean the house. It's not a matter of right vs. wrong......that's just OP's reality.
As harsh as it may sound to us...she is right. OP's got only two choices...find a way to compromise and live with her son OR live elsewhere...either with one of her daughters or alone. She has to pick for herself.
Firstly, not sure if this is a multi, just looking for a change in the topics of Life1
Secondly, we all are going to be in this position one day. To be running your household and then to be relegated to be a "guest" in your own kid's home, the very kid you raised, and that too, that you should be grateful, and abide by the DIL's rules...that's ridiculous.
Maybe I'm gonna be a terror MIL, but I don't think the DIL gets to set the rules that the mother in law abides by. Everything is a mutual give and take, or so it should be.
Being old in the States is a really difficult thing. It's lonely once you lose your spouse and once your independence starts declining due to aging/dementia/sickness, you become more and more dependent, and that's the WORST feeling every - just feeling masoom and like you have no control, and then for some sassy bratty kid of a DIL to tell you what you can and cannot do - that's just insulting.
I don't know. I'm not against the elderly living with their daughters - and I think that's something our culture needs to embrace more, since daughters usually are better caretakers anyway, but....the way this is written....man, it gets me. I wouldn't want my mom to feel this way, and I wouldn't want to feel this way.
Thanks for the thread, it will hopefully remind me when I have a MIL of my own to treat her like I would treat my own mom.
first about my daughters. as i said 2 are abroad so i can't go live with them. the ones in pakistan, two of them live with inlaws and one lives separately. i visit them sometime but just for few days. 2 living with inlwas i don't know how i can live them how can i be a permanent guest there? their inlaws will get annoy and my daugther life will become more difficult. only one daugther live separate but her husband is very picky, he does not let even his own parents to live with him, his younger brother is keeping the parents. i can manage to live with them but for only little time. that is why i talk about living with my son.
talking punjabi ws just an example. this is just one or two sentence i speak to them. she think i am paindu and bad influence on her kids. my son does not care what language kid speak he has no problem.
i was new in america. i am old you see, i can not do much going out and frenship with people in the street. it was new envirnoment and to be honest i don't find people much friendly here. there are few families most have been in america for years they do not like pakistanis it seems.only people near are my bahu's family. visiting the house every other day and she does not have problem with that. i went to some meeting with them, but i felt like outsider.
i know my son should take a stand. but there are questions lilke this that what will he do about his family his wife and children? i am going to die anyway, why would he want to ruin relationship with his wife? that is the reason he did what he did. he is not all stone hearted yet I still hope he can find a solution. since there are so many DILs here,may be you can help me how my son can make her understand?
those of you telling me to not talk to kids, not talk to the bahu, not do anything around the house, ask permission of bahu before doing anything. you tell me could you do it? would you like your own mother to be living like that? may be you will- it seems western pakistanis have this view that old people are useless so its good to keep distance from them. put them in old home or if they live in the house treat them like what my bahu does. i was scared this might happen when he married that american girl. he said no, she is very good, she will be a good bahu,just like a daughter.
i can live alone in the house but it just too difficult to live alone. i don't even deserve the company of my own grandchildren? i have to live alone for whatever life is left for me and die alone?
I am sorry things are difficult for you but personally it i agree that there is nothing wrong with speaking to YOUR grandchildren in the language YOU prefer. The OP's bahu doesn't like her nor does she want her in the house and these little signs of irritability she is showing is to simply get her point across whether they are logical or not. I don't know the bahu and I am not defending her but she probably had a system and life which is now changed. I don't know if the two of you have clashed before but she is only trying to mark her territory and in her head she isn't doing anything wrong. I think just talk to them and like someone said perhaps assigning chores would be a better idea than just telling each other what to do and how to do it. Personally, there is lehaaz missing in this relationship especially on bahu and your beta's end. I really hope that you two can somehow manage to get along happily.
LOL. Looking at just the OP's username, I believe the possibility of the he/she being a troll and trying to bring about a shift in the Life one threads has occurred to all posters.....but the benefit of the doubt was and is being given.
In every situation there are two sides to a story and we're only presented with one. Going just by what the OP has posted, yes the DIL's attitude is shameful. Encouraging the OP to compromise and make life easier for herself does not mean that the posters support the DIL's behavior. If the treatment that the OP is seeking is medical, then it's even more important that she take it easy. If MIL compromises or lets things slide sometimes to preserve her sanity, to make things easier for herself and for the home....since the DIL refuses to budge and the son is too weak.....she's not "lowering" herself as some might view it. If she were to fight back in the same manner as the DIL, it won't accomplish anything. Sometimes a less aggressive and calmer approach can put out fires over time...though I admit it's easier said than done for many of us.
We say that a MIL should be treated like one's mother and that a DIL should be treated like a daughter. It's easy to say this but we forget that even when we live/d with our own parents.....there are/were conflicts. However, there is also a degree of compromise and yielding and tolerance and sabar from BOTH the parents and kids. It's the same in other relationships. Saying that we should treat someone like our own parents/children is not only about respect....nor does it mean that there will be no arguments.....but it definitely entails mutual compromise and that's what we tend to easily ignore. If it's necessary in the more unconditional relationships....then even more so with the conditional ones. As for the OP's case...it's a delicate situation and the tension will impact the grandchildren as well.
Mashallah. If the son stands up for the Mother in law against his wife he is doing something wrong. When he sides with the wife who obviously doesn't want the Mother in law around he is at fault again.
Of course the daughter in law is not at fault for wanting to throw out an old helpless lonely widow who happens to be the mother of her husband. Nope its the husband's fault.
What kind of "treatment" is she getting and if it's medical and requires frequent check-ups, wouldn't sending her to Pak or even rotating living arrangements interfere with the treatment...depending upon the nature of it?
I just read ur post MIL....I am sorry for what u have to go through...my mil lives alone I pak too and is old and lonely needs help too of course.... I know she shd be living with us as my husband is only son now..... she is a difficult woman to live with as she likes fights...lol.. last time she lived with me she caused fight between me n hubby by tatelling to us both against each other....I think that was a worst ...one of them any way... year of my married life...
My husband told me what she was doing after we moved out of pakistan what she was doing. She still was invited here and again she tried her tactics so I stopped talking to her and only asked her for her needs etc. Whole family went up against us bcz they dont know my side of story....now she is causing same problems with her sis n daughter n they also say she likes causing trouble then be centre of attention by trying to resolve problem...lol.. I think its hilarious that they r saying same thing now..even daughter who was her bifggest defender. Still fact remains she is lonely sick n alone ...and its my husbands responsibility to care for her....now soon inshallah she will visit again ...hopefully all will go well n she can spend her days with us.
Ok that above was my sob story ...that is the reason that Allah has ordered kids not to say uff to old parents and being able to care for them is hard thats why it will ear us kids jannat...
You have my sympathy....but to be 100% honest, if my MIL moved in with us permanently, even in a case where my husband had 5 other siblings.....and after moving in, if my MIL started making comments about my house being unclean and/or started doing things herself and re-arranging items....and also speaking with my kids in a different language even after I let her know that I don't want her doing it.....it would irritate me too.
As someone else already suggested....just worry about keeping your room clean. If/when you move back in with your son, have a meeting with your son AND bahu and ask both of them what chores they would like for you to around the house. And if the bahu doesn't assign a certain chore to you, then don't take it upon yourself to do it. Go out and try to meet other women in the community....go the local masjid or desi events....volunteet etc....so you're not 100% dependent on your bahu/grandkids to ease the loneliness.
If your DIL, the mother of those children, has made it clear to you that she does not want you to talk to the kids in Punjabi....then why are you ignoring her request? Clearly your English is pretty good. And I also assume that your son doesn't talk to his own kids in Punjabi either right? Has your son ever said anything to you to that made you believe that he wants his children to learn Punjabi?
Ummm....what about your FIVE adult daughters? Not one single daughter wants to take care of you? I also don't understand why its your son's sole responsibility to take care of you. What about your daughters? Why not split the time between all or some of your children?
^ This! If OP continues to fight back in the same manner as the DIL, then she will have no choice but to live in PK by herself (unless someone else takes her in).
:k: Besides, isn’t this basically the advice we give to DILs? When a DIL comes here and complaines about in-laws in joint family situations, countless time MANY of us have suggested that she compromise on stupid things like language, food, chores etc. in order to develop/maintain a positive relationship with her in-laws and her husband. The difference in this scenario is that the DIL is in charge and the MIL must make all the compromises in order to maintain a positive relationship with the DIL and her son.
Would you mind explaining this a bit more? Because your son lives abroad too right? So what exactly about these 2 daughters living aborad that prevents them from taking care of you?
The harsh and honest answer to this question is nothing. Your DIL has 0 respect for you. Your son has already sent you back to Pakistan which sent your DIL a clear message that if she nags him and causes enough arguments in the house, he will take her side. So at this point in time, there is nothing your son or anyone else can to the DIL to make her understand anything. MAYBE someday she will come around on her own and change her attitude/behavior…but its not going to happen anytime soon.
Whatever fears you had when you son wanted to marry this “American girl”…its useless to talk about them now. He is now married to her and she’s the mother of his 3 children. He’s not going to abandon them anytime soon. Talking about the past does nothing to help your current situation. Understand that doing it only accomplishes venting…but won’t get you a solution to your problem.
How any of us in this forum would treat our parents and/or in-laws also doesn’t help you at all. We don’t have any control over YOUR situation.
No, you don’t have to live life alone and die alone without the company of your grandchildren. However, as your DIL and son has made it clear to you…you’ll need to make certain compromises if you want to live with them. Again, this is not a matter of right vs. wrong, fair vs. unfair, OR whether or not I or anyone else here would treat our elders like this. I know this sounds harsh but that’s your reality. Right now its upto YOU to decide just how badly you want to move back in with your son. You can choose to live alone in Pakistan OR you can choose to make the compromises your DIL/son demands and live with them.
BTW, in Pakistan…you lived there for decades right? Do you not have any friends or other family members who you can visit and spend time with to ease some of the loneliness ?
This might sound harsh...but honestly, you are the one that is lonely and wanting to live with your son. So, you are going to have to live in a way that doesn't create problems. It's not your house- so don't rearrange it, clean it, or comment on how it should be cleaned. It may not be the way it should be or would be if you lived in another place or time. But, you want to join their life- which means their way or the highway! Choice to be lonely and have things cleaned just the way you want or with family and let the small stuff slide. Choose to enjoy speaking to your grandchildren in English or Urdu or don't speak to them.
I hav such a big problm now in this age. i have 5 daughters and 1 son. all kids are married, my son went to america to study in 90s. we were well off back then. my son did not come back as he stayed there and he got marred there too. things were ok and my DIL seemed a nice girl. i tried to built good relations with her but she was not much reciprocating. all my daughters got married off 2 are abroad and 3 are in pakistan.last year my husband passed away. everything went bad from then. he had a business but his other brothers and other relative made it fail as they hired our employees etc.
now i got very lonely as my husband passed away he was source of support for me all the times. he never let me face problem all my life. but now i feel helpless and alone in this world. i kept talking to my son, who came for funeral, but then he went. he has 3 kids mashallah and i love them all very much. unfortunatly i did not have much interaction with them, but they still loved me. everyone suggested i move with my son because loneliness was eating me from inside. i talked to my daughters they said i should go. so my son agreed and i went to america. but then things did not go better as a i thought.
my bahu did not accept my presence. she thought i was invading her house and she resist everything alll the time. she is born in america and her mother never teach her about joint family. so she start giving me hints that she does not want me to stay. things like she will not let me talk with kids much. whenver i hold young kid, she takes the kid away from me. she also keep saying things 'pata nahi kaha se log aa gaye hain' whenever she talk to others. whenever my son is present she become sweet and say g ammi g ammi, but when he is not at home she doesn't talk to me. also she keep complaining about me to my son. my son was a good boy, but since he move to america and marriage, he did not share deep relation with any of us.
if i say to her to keep the house a bit clean, she says acha karti hoon, but she don't. so to help out i do work around the house which she dont do. then she get annoyed that i place thing different after cleaning. and she complain to my son that i gave her 'taanay' and then start work myself to make her look bad. so now my son got annoyed with me more. i speak to kids in punjabi, so they learn the language, but she hate that. she even scold the kids and tell them not to talk to me, and complain about that to my son also. she keep talking to her friends online all the time. she is either on computer or the mobile phone or the mini computer. she ignore household and kids and keep engaged on that. whenever i point out she makes a problem. now my son get too much angry with me. she keep telling him that she don't want me in the house, my son has argument with her that its his majbori, he can not do it because i am getting treatment. but she force him and now he has sent me back to pakistan for some time to cool things off.
i don't know what to do now. i have no one to go to. please help me.
you should have not come back on the first place. and now when you have, keep asking your son to call you back. Once he does it, buy a cell phone that supports a camera and recorder and record all that crap she does to you in your son's absence!!
Hahah I agree with Queen, that's one way to solve it.
but in my opinion, what's lacking in this whole situation is simple communication. You seem like a sensible and educated woman, why don't you sit down with your DIL and try figuring out her point of view and talk to her about yours. Because you weren't present after your son got married, the DIL is used to living alone and feels that her lifestyle is being intruded. The only way that can be solved is if you talk it out, go out for coffee, spend some quality time together.
Don't give up so easily, because it is something that will take time. Tell her, and make her feel like she's your daughter. She is a human after all and will see your affection and care. And it's not a matter of you being here for a long or short amount of time and your son's family, but the fact that you are his mother and he should care for you just as you cared for him when he was a child. Your son should know how you feel but you should tell him infront of your DIL so it doesn't seem as though you're backbiting about her.
And as for the fact that people are not nice where you live, you never know. Talk to them and they might change your opinion, go to the park and just interact with other people. You'll find that not everyone is what they seem, they'll surprise you.
first about my daughters. as i said 2 are abroad so i can't go live with them. the ones in pakistan, two of them live with inlaws and one lives separately. i visit them sometime but just for few days. 2 living with inlwas i don't know how i can live them how can i be a permanent guest there? their inlaws will get annoy and my daugther life will become more difficult. only one daugther live separate but her husband is very picky, he does not let even his own parents to live with him, his younger brother is keeping the parents. i can manage to live with them but for only little time. that is why i talk about living with my son.
talking punjabi ws just an example. this is just one or two sentence i speak to them. she think i am paindu and bad influence on her kids. my son does not care what language kid speak he has no problem.
i was new in america. i am old you see, i can not do much going out and frenship with people in the street. it was new envirnoment and to be honest i don't find people much friendly here. there are few families most have been in america for years they do not like pakistanis it seems.only people near are my bahu's family. visiting the house every other day and she does not have problem with that. i went to some meeting with them, but i felt like outsider.
i know my son should take a stand. but there are questions lilke this that what will he do about his family his wife and children? i am going to die anyway, why would he want to ruin relationship with his wife? that is the reason he did what he did. he is not all stone hearted yet I still hope he can find a solution. since there are so many DILs here,may be you can help me how my son can make her understand?
those of you telling me to not talk to kids, not talk to the bahu, not do anything around the house, ask permission of bahu before doing anything. you tell me could you do it? would you like your own mother to be living like that? may be you will- it seems western pakistanis have this view that old people are useless so its good to keep distance from them. put them in old home or if they live in the house treat them like what my bahu does. i was scared this might happen when he married that american girl. he said no, she is very good, she will be a good bahu,just like a daughter.
i can live alone in the house but it just too difficult to live alone. i don't even deserve the company of my own grandchildren? i have to live alone for whatever life is left for me and die alone?
Buy a high speed internet ..and stay with us on gs :@: .
Talk to us as much as u want :)
How about u dnt give her ur suggestions. U may use ur extraordinary thinking somewhere else :)
As far as I'm concerned, you have no right to tell me to stop posting my suggestions in this thread. If OP herself wants me to stop sharing my suggestions, she can tell me that herself and I will stop. And if you feel that my posts are breaking any forum rules and should be taken out...please feel free to report it so other mods/Huma and review it.
So what exactly about these 2 daughters living aborad that prevents them from taking care of you?