I hav such a big problm now in this age. i have 5 daughters and 1 son. all kids are married, my son went to america to study in 90s. we were well off back then. my son did not come back as he stayed there and he got marred there too. things were ok and my DIL seemed a nice girl. i tried to built good relations with her but she was not much reciprocating. all my daughters got married off 2 are abroad and 3 are in pakistan.last year my husband passed away. everything went bad from then. he had a business but his other brothers and other relative made it fail as they hired our employees etc.
now i got very lonely as my husband passed away he was source of support for me all the times. he never let me face problem all my life. but now i feel helpless and alone in this world. i kept talking to my son, who came for funeral, but then he went. he has 3 kids mashallah and i love them all very much. unfortunatly i did not have much interaction with them, but they still loved me. everyone suggested i move with my son because loneliness was eating me from inside. i talked to my daughters they said i should go. so my son agreed and i went to america. but then things did not go better as a i thought.
my bahu did not accept my presence. she thought i was invading her house and she resist everything alll the time. she is born in america and her mother never teach her about joint family. so she start giving me hints that she does not want me to stay. things like she will not let me talk with kids much. whenver i hold young kid, she takes the kid away from me. she also keep saying things ‘pata nahi kaha se log aa gaye hain’ whenever she talk to others. whenever my son is present she become sweet and say g ammi g ammi, but when he is not at home she doesn’t talk to me. also she keep complaining about me to my son. my son was a good boy, but since he move to america and marriage, he did not share deep relation with any of us.
if i say to her to keep the house a bit clean, she says acha karti hoon, but she don’t. so to help out i do work around the house which she dont do. then she get annoyed that i place thing different after cleaning. and she complain to my son that i gave her ‘taanay’ and then start work myself to make her look bad. so now my son got annoyed with me more. i speak to kids in punjabi, so they learn the language, but she hate that. she even scold the kids and tell them not to talk to me, and complain about that to my son also. she keep talking to her friends online all the time. she is either on computer or the mobile phone or the mini computer. she ignore household and kids and keep engaged on that. whenever i point out she makes a problem. now my son get too much angry with me. she keep telling him that she don’t want me in the house, my son has argument with her that its his majbori, he can not do it because i am getting treatment. but she force him and now he has sent me back to pakistan for some time to cool things off.
i don’t know what to do now. i have no one to go to. please help me.
unfortunately being a horrible/inconsiderate/selfish human being is not confined by where you grew up, what religion you are, and what rishta u have with someone (MIL, DIL). obviously your daughter in law is content with her life as is...just her husbands and kids and she doesnt want your presence there.
-however, treating you nicely/taking care of you/respecting you is your son's responsibility...and unfortunately it sounds like he's equally inconsiderate. he could put his foot down and say..my mom is going to live with me...some kids are just inconsiderate..its only parents who provide unconditional love to their kids...when kids are old enough to support themselves, they forget their parents who brought them up. and i feel like that has what has happened in your case. I realize since you're his mom, you can never really give up on him, but i think its your son's fault for not treating you right...
-you're going through a rough time. good luck. i dont think your daughter in law will ever accept you. its unfortunate but being at the mercy of your son and DIL doesnt sound like a good option. I would maintain my self-respect but would also let the son know, that he's being a terrible son! I wouldnt live with them. you just have to realize now, that yeah you're alone now and the kids have moved on with their lives. i think a lot of ppl are in that situation. Try to find some hobbies, make some friends, and try to live with your daughters?
- sorry..sounds like a bahu from hell. good luck!
First, you pray. You can ask for advice and we can offer it to you...but at the end of the day, no one will listen to you as Allah SWT does and no one will help you as He does.
So...advice. First of all, enjoy your time away. You're in Pakistan...spend time with family and friends, go to daavats, keep yourself busy. And don't forget to pray your salaath, of course ;).
Where do your daughters live? Would it be possible to split your time between all six children instead of staying with one exclusively? That way, you get to spend time with all your children and perhaps your bahu (or daamaad) will have a chance to have some privacy.
And when you do go to stay with your son, I would suggest that you find a way to carve out a life for yourself. You said you're there for "treatment" so I assume you have some sort of medical issue that needs sorting. However, this shouldn't prevent you from developing your own interests and circle of friends. Not only will it keep you busy, but having something to look forward to is very beneficial healthwise. Go with your son to the masjid whenever he goes and pray in the ladies section. It's a great way to meet people. Take walks. Read books. Talk to your neighbors. Volunteer. Do something. If you rely exclusively on your children and their children to help ease the loneliness...I hate to say it but you're going to be disappointed. Be happy with the time you do get with your grandchildren and try not to fret over what you don't have. Do your best to not say anything to your bahu about ANYTHING. It's her house...if she wants to neglect it in favor of skyping, let her. Just keep your room neat and ask her (in front of your son) what chores she would like you to do to help out around the house. If she's going to complain and make up stories...let her. People aren't stupid. They know what's going on. So long as you never say a bad word about her and keep your patience, people will see you for who you are...and they'll see her for what she is.
I know this is easier said than done. I can't imagine how hard this must be to deal with. But Allah SWT burdens no man or woman with anymore than that person can handle. So please know that you ARE strong enough to cope with this. Good luck.
Your son has to take the lead and tell his wife what he wants. Acting sheepishly will not help, if I was in his place I would have told my wife to change her behavior and don't create any drama. On the other hand I think you should also remain clam and try to ignore things.Times have changed and also the people so there is no point in expecting good behavior from your DIL. If she is not doing the household work, don't push her. Try to limit your interaction with her instead ask your son to take out time for you and give you company.
It's unfortunate that your son isn't more supportive. This is a tricky situation where if you talk to your son only and he implements changes, then your DIL is going to take that as you brainwashing him. That's why i think you need to talk to both of them.
Clarify with your DIL that when you tend to household chores, you're just doing it to help out and to keep yourself busy and that she shouldn't assume that your intentions are to one-up her;maybe ask her what things at home you can help her out with and where things go/belong. And if you ask her this in your son's presence and he hears his wife say that she doesn't want you to do certain chores.....then don't do them.....and that way your son will know that wife has made certain duties HER SOLE responsibility and if she Neglects them......she'll deal with the negative consequences. This gives you a break and places accountability on her. Discuss the language issue with both of them at the same time. Explain that speaking in Punjabi is easier for you and it's not hurting their ability to speak or understand English...maybe they'll compromise on that or they might agree on Urdu...etc. The kids are still getting exposure to the language when they hear their parent n you talking. Whatever language you talk to the kids in...the more important thing is that there is communication and through that you can still have a relationship/positive influence on them.
So consider clarifying some misunderstandings from the get-go next time. If it bothers her to be reminded of the household responsibilities.....then avoid doing it just to maintain the peace in the home. You can use that time on other activities/interests. Let her laziness catch up with her and come n bite her at a later point. If your DIL thinks you're always chiding her....try praising her sometimes...when you're alone with her and also in front of your son and company. Flattery can soften a person and ease the tension. You DIL is being "meethi" to you in front of your son and disrespects you behind his back......so YOU do the opposite....you be kind to her in your son's presence and in his absence....set a better example than her.
You have my sympathy....but to be 100% honest, if my MIL moved in with us permanently, even in a case where my husband had 5 other siblings.....and after moving in, if my MIL started making comments about my house being unclean and/or started doing things herself and re-arranging items....and also speaking with my kids in a different language even after I let her know that I don't want her doing it.....it would irritate me too.
As someone else already suggested....just worry about keeping your room clean. If/when you move back in with your son, have a meeting with your son AND bahu and ask both of them what chores they would like for you to around the house. And if the bahu doesn't assign a certain chore to you, then don't take it upon yourself to do it. Go out and try to meet other women in the community....go the local masjid or desi events....volunteet etc....so you're not 100% dependent on your bahu/grandkids to ease the loneliness.
i speak to kids in punjabi, so they learn the language, but she hate that.
If your DIL, the mother of those children, has made it clear to you that she does not want you to talk to the kids in Punjabi....then why are you ignoring her request? Clearly your English is pretty good. And I also assume that your son doesn't talk to his own kids in Punjabi either right? Has your son ever said anything to you to that made you believe that he wants his children to learn Punjabi?
i don't know what to do now. i have no one to go to..
Ummm....what about your FIVE adult daughters? Not one single daughter wants to take care of you? I also don't understand why its your son's sole responsibility to take care of you. What about your daughters? Why not split the time between all or some of your children?
^It's not very common for parents to live with a married daughter in desi culture....i only know of two such cases. Doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to take care of her...but maybe the daughters are restricted due to their husbands, or maybe they live with their in-laws or as well, or financial situations, etc. Visiting her married daughters, yes.....but living permanently with them would be tougher.
^ Yes I'm aware of that. I'm just curious as to what specifically is preventing each of the 5 daughters from taking care of her. I don't think she should move in with any 1 of the kids permanently. I think splitting her time would be more reasonable so no one feels like their "privacy/lifestyle" is being effected.
And** if **the reason she can not move in with 1 or more of her daughters is b/c their husband(s) don't want her there......then she (and none of us) should really be bashing this DIL only b/c the husbands of those daughters are not any better.
On a side note: Based on what I've seen in my own family, I guess I just find it difficult to believe that out of 5 daughters, OP can't live with even 1 of them for a few months out of the year. When my nani got older and could not manage to live on her own anymore (my nana died when the kids were young), my mom, khalas, and mamas all took turns taking care of her until her death. And my dada, currently he splits his time between 3 phuppus and 2 chachas who live in the same city back home.
If your DIL, the mother of those children, has made it clear to you that she does not want you to talk to the kids in Punjabi....then why are you ignoring her request? Clearly your English is pretty good. And I also assume that your son doesn't talk to his own kids in Punjabi either right? Has your son ever said anything to you to that made you believe that he wants his children to learn Punjabi?
That's such an unfair request, I'm sorry. What's the DIL's tid peer with a different language? Talk to your grand kids only in English or just zip it... seriously? I grew up listening to urdu, punjabi, arabic and english and then studied french, german and spanish in school... how did that ruin my life in any way? I'm sure plenty of US born kids of immigrant families speak in a different language at home too, what's so unpleasant about it?
^ Yes I'm aware of that. I'm just curious as to what specifically is preventing each of the 5 daughters from taking care of her. I don't think she should move in with any 1 of the kids permanently. I think splitting her time would be more reasonable so no one feels like their "privacy/lifestyle" is being effected.
And** if **the reason she can not move in with 1 or more of her daughters is b/c their husband(s) don't want her there......then she (and none of us) should really be bashing this DIL only b/c the husbands of those daughters are not any better.
On a side note: Based on what I've seen in my own family, I guess I just find it difficult to believe that out of 5 daughters, OP can't live with even 1 of them for a few months out of the year. When my nani got older and could not manage to live on her own anymore (my nana died when the kids were young), my mom, khalas, and mamas all took turns taking care of her until her death. And my dada, currently he splits his time between 3 phuppus and 2 chachas who live in the same city back home.
I'm young, healthy, and able bodied, and I would find it such a headache and stressful to have to up and move every few months. I don't think it's fair to ask an older person to have to uproot themselves every couple of months; everyone deserves to have their own home base whether it's alone or with a child.
I don't see the big deal with her talking in Punjabi with her grandkids either; it's said that speaking more than one language At home helps with learning new languages. But it can be a sensitive issue with parents and I know some even think it'll confuse the kids. But it's not just the language.....the DIL doesn't even like the OP holding her grandchild, so she has bigger issues than just the language rigidity. OP needs to work it out with the parents...maybe they'll agree...maybe they'll compromise on Urdu....speaking to the kids is better than not at all; that matters more. As for the living rotations...the air fare/expenses may be an issue.
Kids are smarter than that. They're able to learn multiples languages at a time. If the parents are scared of ruining the kids' angrezi accent then that won't happen either. They'll grow up with an American accent, no need to worry about that unless you can actually think of a native-born person who speaks like someone from toba tek singh.
Let me clear up 2 points since I think some of you are misunderstanding what I'm trying to say:
1) Language: There is nothing wrong with kids learning multiple languages at one time. Generally speaking, it's not a bad thing for a grandparents to speak to the kids in their native language. The point I'm getting at is that in this specific situation....there is already tension between the OP and her bahu. And if the bahu has made it clear to her that she doesn't want OP to speak to the kids in Punjabi...and if the son hasn't expressed interest in his children learning Punjabi....then what is the point in causing tension over this?
Yes, we may think its ridiculous for the DIL to forbid OP to speak Punjabi to her kids....but at the end of the day, she is the mother of those children. And her husband, the father of the children, clearly isn't sticking up for OP when it comes to this. So how does it benefit ANYONE if OP insists on speaking Punjabi and causing unnecessary tension in the household?
Her son is already tired of the fighting and has sent her to Pakistan at his wife's insistence. Life is all about picking and choosing our battles. And personally, I don't think this is battle that's worth fighting since OP doesn't have anyone else she can live with at this point.
2) Sara: I agree with what you wrote. In an ideal world, everyone should have 1 place they can call "home". Its not fair to ask an elderly person to move from house to house every few months. But as you know very well based on your own various life experiences....life itself is not fair. For OP, living with her son only has clearly caused her headaches and plenty of stress, and it doesn't sound like the bahu is about to change her behavior anytime soon. I believe in situations like this, where the bahu is being not-so-welcoming towards her and her son is not willing to go against his wife.....splitting her time between her children should be considered as an option. But I'm not suggesting that this solution is "easy", "comfortable", or "ideal" for any elderly person.
This is a crappy situation in general. In a perfect world, OP should be able to live with her son happily and speak to the kids in Punjabi etc. etc. etc. But since this situation is far from perfect and OP has already been shipped back to Pakistan......I think we need to look at ways for OP to work this out where she has somewhere to live. We all know how things "should be". Let's talk about what OP's reality is and what are some ways she can manage to live with her son permanently IF he takes her back again.
Not misunderstanding anything you said, Paheli, just stating my point of view. It just boggles my mind what people fuss over these days. MIL speaks in punjabi, omg life is so hard.
^ Oh I agree with you! Plenty of MILs make a big deal about stupid stuff when it comes to DIL's......and plenty of DIL's (this one 1 great example) make a big deal about stupid stuff when it comes to MILs.
When a relationship lacks MUTUAL respect and MUTUAL willingness to compromise.....ridiculous stuff like this is bound to cause major tension. In this situation, since OP is the one that needs a place to call "home", and her son isn't about to leave his wife/kids for her.........unfortunately it's upto OP to figure out a way to make the situation work so her son will allow her to move back in with him permanently. And part of that compromise just might be that she needs to talk to her grandkids in English, stop doing chores around the house without the bahu's approval, and stop telling the bahu that she needs to clean the house. It's not a matter of right vs. wrong......that's just OP's reality.
I think its shameful that your son cannot seem to strike a balance between his wife and mom. Also, I don't think those kids belong to only their mother and father...I am sure we've all heard the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child". Why? Because it does. I learned so much from mine...so much that to this day I am grateful to have known my grandmother.