Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Thanks everyone for your excellent advice.....every bit has help me..thanks....
Mamaof3 : i know it's hard for parents to let thier children go...i'm sure i will understand when i have children....in the meantime i think i will give them some more time and space to come to terms with it....maybe they need me to stop going on about it for a while too....but it's really hard for me to think about anything else except this.....
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Sparrow,
At what age ur mum got married ? If next time they give any excuse tell them the fact :)
You are 26, grown up and free to decide your own life. If you would be 16 I'd be saying something else but I think u should make it clear to your parents that u want to be married before your 27th Birthday no matter what happens. Our parents take us for granted and think that they own us (our tradition/culture whatever u wanna say it). But once u tell them that the reality is different they start pondering, try it. You will see how things go.
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
remind them about the importance of starting a family while you are young and healthy.....
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
I think your parents have a hard time letting you go :~)
talking to them will help and i guess he should put more pressure.. Start one by one start with mangani and then so on...
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
This sounds a bit fishy...i can't understand y ur parents are not allowing u 2 get married if they're happy with ur choice of fiance...u really need to sit them down and make them understand how u feel...perhaps it might be a good idea to get a third party to talk to them, someone who is impartial, or if u don't want could u not ask ur brother to talk to them. Best of luck x
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Its not fair on you being in the situation that you are,u have met ur future partner and ur parents are happy with him. They should not be delaying ur marriage. At least they should let u have ur nikkah done. As it also does not look good with you seeing him so often unmarried.
You and ur fiance both have a bond with each other as well which i expect is getting stronger day by day. Your parents should be making this bond u both have halal. Perhaps your parents are finding it hard in letting there daughter go. Mayb they see it as they are loosing you and are afraid to take the next step. But its really not good in them leaving you in this position that u are in,as its their duty to see 2 it.
Inshallah i hope your parents shall come 2 a decision very soon,i wish you the best.
Re: My Parents aren’t doing anything…
My parents were in no rush to get me married off. They would’ve liked me to wait. I think it depends on how many daughters (I’m the only one), financial situation, other concerns, and personalities.
However, once I was engaged they didnt want to wait too long, because the engagement time is all weird and uncertain and they didnt like it.
Sparrow – your parents were both pretty young when they got married. Maybe that’s why they want you to wait…
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
I'm approaching your age Sparrow and i aren't even worried, but as someone already touched up on matters you certainly have to put your foot down and speak your mind and tell them that your no longer willing to wait, the last thing you want is for his parents to step back and say it's not going to happen.
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
man if they broke, why dont u put ur money where ur mouth is....lol or tell them he knocked u up...lol
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
I am not sure if anyone has suggested this, but have an elder in your family (uncle, aunty, grandparents etc) talk to them. You are an adult and if need arises, you can get married as long as an elder is supporting your decision, I think. I forgot how it goes Islamically but I am pretty sure you can get married to him somehow, especially when it has been 2 years since they've been saying no.
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Just tell them that you had sex, and are afraid you might be pregnant.
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
But the problem is that my parents aren't doing anything about the wedding! His parents have now stopped asking my parents about "when the wedding will be" because my dad keeps saying "soon inshallah" he's been saying that for nearly two years now.
First my dad use to say I could get married after my BA and then he said I could get married after my MSc and now that I've done both…still nothing! When I ask him he says…"what's the rush??? You have cousins that are over 30 and not married…so just relax".
Sometimes they say that they do not have enough money for a wedding but we don't even want a big wedding…we only want a small nikkah with close family and friends and his parents agree. My parents also want that…so I can't see why there is a money issue?!
My mum keeps on giving me examples about girls who are older and not married…or girls who are unhappy in their marraige.....then she say's "enjoy yourself while you can as there will only be problems after marriage etc…etc.."
My parents and I have this discussion every single day….where I say everything I can to convince them to do something but they don't….. I have even threatened to move out (which I would never do) but even that doesn't make them budge!
What shall I do? Shall I leave it and wait until they are ready to let me go? It could be years! I'm totally confused!!
Dear Sparrow first of all start understanding your parents. Try to realize what they mean don't be so selfish. From ur post what I found out was that they first asked you to become educated for you to get help if there is any need in case of any bad situtation. They first asked you to do B.A. then M.Sc. it means your parents are your well wishers and want you to be strong. Right now you are madly in love and can't understand their right way. To keep you aware and understand about important things before marriage your parents don't want u to be married at this time. Parents know us very well better than us and they know how to deal with us. Your parents are dealing with u the way you will listen. You must not be stuborn.
Another reason may be their own experience as they married younger they know all the situation thats why they want you to enjoy. You are not understanding as you didn't go through those situations yet. After marriage love becomes "uran choo" which you don't and won't understand right now. They might have bad experiences in their early married life thats why they don't want to you get married. Every parent wants to save their child from all the bad situations from their own experiences.
Other reasons
1. You must be earning and giving them some money.
2. They know you can only threaten them and you won't be able to leave your home.
3. They want you to enjoy your life before marriage (but they do not understand that your enjoyment is your wedding).
4. You might be giving more importance to your boyfriend and/or In-laws instead of your parents.
5. They might have lots of dreams and goals about your marriage which they won't be able to do right now due to different reasons.
6. They might be thinking that you are not grown enough to be married and to deal with situations after marriage.
7. You might be ignoring your parents a lot.
Suggestions:
Your In Laws must be loving you more and you must be thinking they are better than your parents. They might be fooling you. You and/or your family must be in better condition and position as compared to your boyfriend and In Laws. Your In laws might be misguiding you about your parents. Keep your eyes and brain open and try to understand the real situation. Your In laws might be telling you something different and telling something different to your parents to fool you and your parents.
Stop meeting your boyfriend and stay away from him until your nikah.
Be careful each side. Your In-Laws might be playing games with you to make you against your parents thats what In-Laws do for sure after marriage for sure here with you may be they got a chance to do before marriage.
Good Luck and Allah Nighabaan
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
I won't be a help but still wanted to post.
I have never seen such parents. And that too, desi? I mean...I wish my parents would delay my marriage for a couple of years because I want to be something before I get married. I need time but I know they wouldn't give me that because they'd want me to get married by 26 but your position is absolutely opposite. All I can say is that go ahead and talk to them about it again...that's all you can do.
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Thanks everyone's for your replies….
MasoomSiLarki: Firstly thanks for taking the time out to help me…much appreciated.
I know I may not have shown it in my posts but I do love my parents very very much and I am very close to them and spend a lot of time with them. But I feel that there comes a time when a person (no matter how much they love their parents) needs to move on with their lives.
I don't think the future in laws are influencing me as I have no private contact with them at all. I only see them/speak to them when they come to my house in front of my family. They totally support my parents…if it was up to them we would've been married ages ago but they understand my parents worries and therefore are willing to wait for however long it takes for my parents to be ready.
I have a very good job but I don't give any money to my parents as both my dad and brother work. So I've been saving my money which has allowed me to buy the house and now I am paying my mortgage which is over a £1000 a month. I have told my parents that if we have a small wedding like in a marquee or something (which I would really like) then I will pay for everything myself. But if my parents desperately want a big wedding then I can't afford to pay for it all but I will certainly contribute towards it.
My brother is also willing to contribute to the wedding and says to my parents to get on with it all the time too. He also doesn't want me to be seen with a guy outside.
As for older people speaking to my parents about this well…every time my mum steps out of the house people say to her "when are you getting your daughter married she's 26 isn't she???"…this includes neighbours, friends, uncles, aunts and even my nanny. But my mum doesn't care about what they say! She says
"jo aram ek beti ko apni maa ke ghaar milskata hein wo kisi doosre ghaar mein kabhi nahi milsakta" basically to enjoy life before marriage because life after marriage is too difficult. She says life after marriage is too hard…I won't be able to cope…I need to improve cooking, cleaning, sewing skills blah blah blah! She is right I may not be master chief but I know I can manage!!!
As I was growing up my mum always said that I would never be able to live with in-laws as I'm too sensitive, can't take criticism, take too long in the shower, you name it she said it all…. so I even brought my own house because of this!
MasoomSiLarki: you said stop seeing your bf until nikah but when I first met him three years ago I said to him I can't see you until my dad meets you and until we have our nikah and he agreed with me…so we stopped seeing each other for a while but how can I not see him for three years? Also say we agree to stop seeing each other again... will we wait again for another three years? so I can't stop until I know when the nikah will be.
Re: My Parents aren’t doing anything…
See your mom will definitely really miss you. I live about 10 minutes frm my parents’ house, but ammi always says that the house is so quiet and boring without me, “koi raunak nahi hai.” And if even a day goes by wo me visiting or talking she calls and asks what’s wrong. Things won’t be the exactly the same after marriage, but it can still be nice. You can’t prolong your childhood forever.
I think just picking a date, “I want to get married THanksgiving weekend” or something like that, and getting the ball rolling is really important. Just do it.
As for the responsibilities of running a household, well those are things you and your hubby will share and learn together. You don’t have to be perfect right away, because what’s perfect in your parents home won’t necessarily be what’s perfect in your own.
Re: My Parents aren’t doing anything…
Please…if you can substantiate such accusations then fine. But don’t propogate this type of allegation and particularly not in a generalized fashion.
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Sparrow, were you adopted? sounds like it, does'nt sound like real parents to me, sorry, tell them some one said that, that will get them off their rocker!!!
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Hmmmm....never thought of that one before lol!
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
I think just picking a date, "I want to get married THanksgiving weekend" or something like that, and getting the ball rolling is really important. Just do it.
As for the responsibilities of running a household, well those are things you and your hubby will share and learn together. You don't have to be perfect right away, because what's perfect in your parents home won't necessarily be what's perfect in your own.
Sahar, the house i bought is only a 5 minute drive from both my parents house and his parents house...they can visit me every day if they like....also they still have my sis and bro to keep them company....
By the way when you got married how old where you? did you move into your own house staight away? were you really good with all the domestic stuff...cooking, cleaning and all that? how did you find it?
Re: My Parents aren't doing anything.....
Sparrow...no offence...but by posting here, ur making your parents seem like the bad guys, which I know they aint....just get your nikaah done, and let your family deal with it themselves...They r ur parents, they wont turn their back on u...just do ur nikaah at least- make seeing your fiance halaal for yourself...