Hi…
I was wondering if you guys could give me a bit of advice on what to do….
Basically…I’m 26 and ready to get married. I have met the guy of my dreams…my parents absolutely love him…his parents love me……we have brought a beautiful house together (not living there…just decorating it). My parents and his parents love the house and are really happy for us.
But the problem is that my parents aren’t doing anything about the wedding! His parents have now stopped asking my parents about “when the wedding will be” because my dad keeps saying “soon inshallah” he’s been saying that for nearly two years now.
First my dad use to say I could get married after my BA and then he said I could get married after my MSc and now that I’ve done both…still nothing!
When I ask him he says…“what’s the rush??? You have cousins that are over 30 and not married…so just relax”.
Sometimes they say that they do not have enough money for a wedding but we don’t even want a big wedding…we only want a small nikkah with close family and friends and his parents agree. My parents also want that…so I can’t see why there is a money issue?!
My mum keeps on giving me examples about girls who are older and not married…or girls who are unhappy in their marraige…then she say’s “enjoy yourself while you can as there will only be problems after marriage etc…etc..”
My parents and I have this discussion every single day….where I say everything I can to convince them to do something but they don’t….. I have even threatened to move out (which I would never do) but even that doesn’t make them budge!
What shall I do? Shall I leave it and wait until they are ready to let me go? It could be years! I’m totally confused!!
I think you should go sit down and have a coversation with you parents. Maybe you already have. But you need to find out what else is on their minds... Maybe they have/had other plans concerning your marriage. which is the case with many desi families.
[typical desi tradition:] when they have planned the whole life of their kids when they're born. Which includes education, marraige, and everything else.
[typical desi tradition:] when they have planned the whole life of their kids when they're born. Which includes education, marraige, and everything else.
Thanks Gizzy, I know for sure that there isn't anyone else they want me to get married to....they are totally happy with the guy...they've told me that themselves many times! isn't it a weird situation????....i bet no-one has to go through this!
Very strange. I'm surprised, because I think a lot of parents (esp girls' parents) are nervous during the engagement stage and they usually want everything settled with the nikkah and ruksati.
As Gizzy said, you need to speak to them. Let them know what date you are hoping for. You could even look into the getting the masjid or hall wherever you want the wedding. Let them know you can make the arrangements if they want.
As for the other girls who are not married, say though you have waited, you don't want to put your life on hold. Are they worried you will have kids early and then won't work?
Hmmmm...
I think this one calls for an emergency nikaah!...i'l get my topi and be there in a flash....LOL
But jokin aside,
You ought to book a hall or something, and give them an ultimatum- that look, I'm getting married on such and such a date, please be there for me. And you could also try and take an islamic viewpoint, that marriages shouldn't be delayed-should happen ASAP .... and these 30yr old cousins, they aint doing their reproductive systems any favours.
R u an only daughter or something?...your folks could just be scared of the fact that they'll be alone...
I have had many lengthy conversations, arguments, discussions, debates call it what you like with them…. I have looked at this from every angle and I just don't get it??!
I used to be proud of my parents when I was younger for being so 'cool' and 'westernised' and not backward like some other parents but even this is way too westernised for me!
Sahar : I do work but I don't think it's about that…There is absolutely no sharaam left in our discussions anymore (after all it's been going on for over two years) I tell them straight…. I wanna get married, I have needs, we want children….we are paying the mortgage for an empty house!!!!!
Kazi : My Bro is 27 and my sis is nearly 18…so my parents really need to start getting the ball rolling and do something.
I have bought home many brochures of venues…even though our garden is big enough for a massive marquee……
All I want is them to tell me is 'when' so I can go ahead and book these things just the month…or even the year will do.
I'm even willing to compromise and have a nikaah now and ruksati a year later….if that will make them happy. At least if anyone spots us together they will know they we have had our nikaah.
I guess it 's all about kismat…when Allah wants it to happen I guess it will happen….
I kno this is a bit extreme…and i’l prob get a clip around the ear for this…but erm…tell em your expecting a kid! lol…tht will get them frightened!
seriously though- just get a nikah arranged at home…bring the molvi, ur fiance and ur in-laws, and just do a simple nikaah at home, whether they like it or not…then do tht rukhsati thing when they want… (i’m sure the fact that you would hav had your nikaah done, will make them more willing for u to leave sooner rather than later)
this is a weird one seriously… …they like the guy, they like the family, they hav agreed at some earlier point…yet now they r being all weird…WTF???
Are you absolutely sure that they are okay with your choice in partner?
Sometimes parents just go along with stuff and hope that you will grow out of it.
I know of a couple of parents that kept denying the obvious. They pretended like they loved the family and the guy but secretly hoped that their daughter would outgrow the "phase" she was going through.
They felt that if a certain amount of time was allowed to pass, the two kids would eventually tire and give up.
Muzna: I thought some of you might think that…. but I am 100% sure my parents really like him and his family.
When I first told my dad about him my dad said that he wanted to meet him and if he didn't like him he would tell me straight and I was fine about that. I arranged for them to go out together for a meal (that was their first meeting) while I sat at home and worried that my dad might have killed him or something…they came home 3 or 4 hours later and since then my dad adores him…always buying him birthday/eid presents always inviting him for dinner etc….so I know dad and mum like him.
Kazi & Sara: It's crazy isn't it? So far I've threatened to get pregnant, move out, break up with him, sell the house…you name it!
It hurts saying all these things coz I love my parents to bits and I know they love me so I don't like saying these things and I know I would never do it
Sahar: My dad came to this country when he was seven….he then went on to study at Oxford University. He went back to Pakistan when he was 24 and married my mum she was 18 and bought her back to London. So I can't see what they are scared of…..
By the way what do you see wrong with your parent's statements?
Is relaxing too difficult or 'enjoy while you can' is not much of an enjoyment? :-)
You know i have thought that myself....it's not like they don't let us be together when we want...so i have the best of both worlds...i can see him when i want and still come home to my mums home cooking.....:)
But it's soooo wrong in Islam to spend sooooo much time together without being married!
Do you pray five times a day? Do you understand Quran? That would be a good start to follow Islam. Things take time for whatever reason, if there is a god he should be reasonable. Don't worry :-)
I have to answer this from the perspective of a parent even tho my boys are still so young. It has to be really very hard to let a "child" go - and when you're a parent, they're still your child even when they're 50 years old! It sounds like they need a push and maybe a really big push to be able to let you go, dont be too hard on them, its very hard on them. But do push every bit as hard as you need to otherwise they'll keep you close for as long as they can. I think I'll tend to do this too but it isnt because I lack confidence in my boys, its out of love and wanting to keep them close and not wanting to let them go. We all have to face it one day, so you help your parents and they will be better able to help you.
I totally agree with you but when I c how desparate and happy parents are to get rid of (i.e. marry off) their daughters it just makes me wonder how true it is..or i guess "social obligations" (i.e. what will ppl say) take mroe importance over that love.. :(
…they like the guy, they like the family, they hav agreed at some earlier point…yet now they r being all weird…WTF???
) so yah ur situation seems a bit odd..