My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

[Ghost14]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

@redvelvet

You had been doing so well with several sensible posts. This is a serious regression…

You should have known that such a streak is impossible to maintain.

[MM]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Not gonna lie, I skimmed. Short attention span, apologies in advance.

Any who... It happens. You're raised in a certain type of "mahol" and get accustomed to a certain type of life. But that's what life's about... Changing and remolding.
That being said, like others have said, speaking openly with your parents might help the situation... If anything, it'll buy you time. Yes you... not your parents.

Lastly, who knows. There might be a nice Paki boy out there who also dislikes the smell of curry.
And by out there I mean not in Pakistan.

[Sweetmoi]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

I stopped reading after the

"the Pakistanis here have a horrible attitude and think even if their son is uneducated, bad mannered, lazy and not particularly good looking he still deserves a Aishwari Rai lookalike with a University degree. "

Did you know some desi men dont wanna marry a girl with a university degree?

Did you know, not many girl at university look like Ash?

[stoppit]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

I was thinking twice about posting...

What you have written sounds almost like I could have written it 10+ years ago. I am also the eldest and our family environment was not what I thought very "Pakistani" beyond food. I didn't get on with the Pakistani girls at school because sorry to say, they were two-faced - I won't go into detail coz it's Ramadan. The rest of the Pakistani experience - extended family and the constant stream of people coming over from Pakistan to stay with us was equally uninspiring. My parents wanted us all to be well educated. Relatives thought education was unnecessary, especially for girls, and boys would be self employed so there was no reason to push them to achieve. It was okay for them to speak terrible English and with rude boy/girl accents. I was convinced I'd marry a non-Pakistani Muslim from what I was exposed to.

10 years on, I'm married to a Pakistani man who is very similar in outlook and likes/dislikes to myself. My cousins have matured and changed a fair bit too, many of them that didn't care about school now have very good jobs which required them to adopt a whole new attitude - now they they are out of their Pakistani bubble where all their friends were Pakistani, we have more to talk about. I now have some close friends who happen to be Pakistani. I've learnt to speak some Urdu... something I would have never thought I'd do.

So anyway, my point is, keep an open mind and try to get to know more people. There are families out there who you will find share similar values as your own.

[Deeba1234]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

^Same with me (but I didn't actually end up marrying a Pakistani in the end.. more down to chance than anything else)..

OP, if it's the cultural baggage that bothers you why not look for a guy who lived away from home for uni or work and is less likely to be into that stuff or too attached or dependent on his parents.. Also see how the girls are in the family.. If his sisters or sils are working and have the freedom to come and go as they choose obviously that's a huge positive..

I was like you (prob even more determined not to get caught up with cultural double-standards and so on)..

I think what you wrote is probably quite difficult for non-UK Pakistanis to understand.. The mindset that a lot of families have in certain parts of England is something you don't come across in other 'foreign' based Pakistanis so much.. Most of the horror stories on GS seem to come from the UK members tho so they should have a clue :D

[Ghost14]

@Deeba1234:9675571

^Same with me (but I didn’t actually end up marrying a Pakistani in the end.. more down to chance than anything else)..

OP, if it’s the cultural baggage that bothers you why not look for a guy who lived away from home for uni or work and is less likely to be into that stuff or too attached or dependent on his parents.. Also see how the girls are in the family.. If his sisters or sils are working and have the freedom to come and go as they choose obviously that’s a huge positive..

I was like you (prob even more determined not to get caught up with cultural double-standards and so on)..

I think what you wrote is probably quite difficult for non-UK Pakistanis to understand.. The mindset that a lot of families have in certain parts of England is something you don’t come across in other ‘foreign’ based Pakistanis so much.. **Most of the horror stories on GS seem to come from the UK members tho so they should have a clue :**D

I was gonna say that lol.

[kakaballi]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

@MM

Not gonna lie, I skimmed. Short attention span, apologies in advance.

Any who... It happens. You're raised in a certain type of "mahol" and get accustomed to a certain type of life. But that's what life's about... Changing and remolding. .......

No, the issue is that she doesn't want the same type of "mahol" that she was raised in at her in-laws :P

[ButtSb]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

hey little angel, your thread title says “My parents are looking for my rishta…” and you go on about desi boys tied to the apron…:nono:… beta if you were not like rest of them Pakis, you would be out of your house, living your own life and not give a shaat about how your ‘‘parents’’ are deciding your future for you. So much for the brit’ness eh?Relax a bit, just see the guy and the family and decide accordingly.

[Jolie]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Are you talking about Mirpuris or Pakistanis?

Just joking.

[S02]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Yeah, I agree with ButtSb. The kind of guys you're describing are not necessarily relying on their parents to fix them up with girls. And even if they do allow the parents to occasionally set them up, they are NOT going to want the parents involved much in the process until the two of you are comfortable with each other and feel like it's going somewhere serious.

I think you're also confusing people having interests in primarily Pakistani things (tv, movies, clothes, etc) with them having some sort of uber traditional and conservative/restrictive expectations. You shouldn't make these sorts of assumptions, as you're probably eliminating perfectly nice guys/families. Just because someone has different life experience and interests from you doesn't mean they aren't worth connecting with. The key is to be upfront about what kind of life you want after you're married. If the expectations don't match, you move on to the next rishta. There's no harm in getting to know people and giving them a chance.

[thedoer]

@braap

[quote="thedoer"]

Actually how old are you? Because I know a guy who want to get married to a girl who is like you. Plus no saas bahu drama since his mom is young and have a job plus he won't be living in the same country as his mom after the wedding

Why? Because he'll be living in the same country as me? LOL. This is the typical Pakistani stuff I'm on about.
[/QUOTE]

Lol nope he lives in Sweden moms live in USA

[skhan]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

@ButtSb

hey little angel, your thread title says “My parents are looking for my rishta…” and you go on about desi boys tied to the apron…:nono:… beta if you were not like rest of them Pakis, you would be out of your house, living your own life and not give a shaat about how your ‘‘parents’’ are deciding your future for you. So much for the brit’ness eh?Relax a bit, just see the guy and the family and decide accordingly.

this

[Pakistani_Prince]

Every culture has its own problems. Desi or not Desi, you will always find yourself in problems once you get married.

[braap]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

@redvelvet

You fear the unrefinement (bad attitude, poor manners, etc) of Pakistanis…yet you’re turning to Pakistanis on a Pakistani forum for advice. You wouldn’t have done so if you didn’t have an overall favorable opinion of the members on here…as in you found them sensible/intelligent/articulate/open-minded…which is why you’re asking us, right? That said, you can find such Pakistanis, they do exist. It’s up to you to talk to your parents and let them know what qualities you want in a guy, maybe consider getting the support of siblings or relatives that can talk to your parents, and try looking for a guy on your own or ask friends to keep an eye out or u.

I know there are Pakistanis who have their heads screwed on the right way, but where I live a lot of the Pakistanis even if their children are educated have a very snobby and backward mentality. There is a scarily large number of educated professional women who have ended up divorced after a short time of marriage.

@kakaballi

If a guy from a non-traditional, non-Pakistani family knows how traditional, typical Pakistani families work and think, why would he want to get married into one?

It doesn’t matter as much to guys because their in-laws have less of an influence on them but for women its harder because in-laws have a larger influence.

@eastern11

Look for Muslims from another country, maybe people from Lebanon, they are more liberal in thought but a lot of them are practicing Muslims.

Lebanese? lol, I think my parents would freak, no one in my family has married outside of ther quom never mind race.

@Reha

My piece of advice to you is…and don’t take this the wrong way: You’re also being judgemental towards your kind. It makes zero difference who you marry or what their ethnicity is…you WILL have your fair share of struggles. Why? Because you’re literally taking two different people and their lives, morals, values, personalities, temperaments, habits, lifestyles and whatnot and melding them into one. Where will you find a mirror image of yourself? Is that possible? I don’t think so. The perfect man does not exist…we usually decide if the person’s imperfections are ones we can tolerate and find likeable one day. I have family members that have married into various ethnicities…it makes NO difference. There is drama everywhere. You say you lead an Islamic lifestyle…and you might. But Islam also teaches us sabr, patience, tolerance for other people and respect for those around us. I am not saying marry a Pakistani. What I am saying is…forget that he’s Pakistani. Simply evaluate the person for who he is and what he is. That’s it. And if you don’t want to marry someone for Pakistan…find your own man.

I get what you’re saying but marrying a Pakistani guy usually means marrying his family. I know Pakistani guys who are easy going and not into the cultural stuff but their family have the last say in who they marry and how his wife willbehave which is suffocating.

@PyariCgudia

It’s ok, we’re all struggling in our generation against a prior generation that just holds a different value set. Many girls in our generation are getting more educated, and the mom’s generation is not, so most people look at potential rishtas and see the guy’s mom is backwards.

If you want to build a community and change the Pakistani community, you have to participate in it, and you have to live with these people. Then raise your kids differently, by the next generation, these problems may get better.

You’re right, but is it selfish to want a drama free life? It’s hard enough dealing with a husband and all disagreements that arise between husband and wife but to then add disapproving in-laws who have no right to any interference in your marriage is too much!

@Ghost14

I have the same views as you, except I think *people in general *are like that. Singling out Pakistanis is highly biased and frankly, very ignorant. Have you heard of confirmation bias?

Like others have said, you will deal with crap with any ethnicity. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for marriage. I think you need to rethink your readiness. Don’t get married just because your parents want you to. If you think you’re ready, meet some guys and form your own impression of their families.

I’m not singling out Pakistani families, give me a Paki over an Arab any day. But I am Pakistani and I have better understanding of our culture and it seems to me the woman always gets the raw end of the deal in marriages.

I do know Pakistanis we have family friends and I have seen their attitudes towards their daughter in-laws and most of the time it’s pretty disgusting like they’re subhuman. And these families have educated children and their daughter in-laws are educated.

@MM

Not gonna lie, I skimmed. Short attention span, apologies in advance.

Any who… It happens. You’re raised in a certain type of “mahol” and get accustomed to a certain type of life. But that’s what life’s about… Changing and remolding.
That being said, like others have said, speaking openly with your parents might help the situation… If anything, it’ll buy you time. Yes you… not your parents.

Lastly, who knows. There might be a nice Paki boy out there who also dislikes the smell of curry.
And by out there I mean not in Pakistan.

Lol thanks for the reassurance.

@Sweetmoi

I stopped reading after the

"the Pakistanis here have a horrible attitude and think even if their son is uneducated, bad mannered, lazy and not particularly good looking he still deserves a Aishwari Rai lookalike with a University degree. "

Did you know some desi men dont wanna marry a girl with a university degree?

Did you know, not many girl at university look like Ash?

I was being sarcastic. My point was in the UK anyway, Pakistani guys punch above their weight in their criteria for wives which means Pakistani girls get so much disrespect and criticism when their parents start looking for rishtas. You never see it the other way round.

@stoppit

I was thinking twice about posting…

What you have written sounds almost like I could have written it 10+ years ago. I am also the eldest and our family environment was not what I thought very “Pakistani” beyond food. I didn’t get on with the Pakistani girls at school because sorry to say, they were two-faced - I won’t go into detail coz it’s Ramadan. The rest of the Pakistani experience - extended family and the constant stream of people coming over from Pakistan to stay with us was equally uninspiring. My parents wanted us all to be well educated. Relatives thought education was unnecessary, especially for girls, and boys would be self employed so there was no reason to push them to achieve. It was okay for them to speak terrible English and with rude boy/girl accents. I was convinced I’d marry a non-Pakistani Muslim from what I was exposed to.

10 years on, I’m married to a Pakistani man who is very similar in outlook and likes/dislikes to myself. My cousins have matured and changed a fair bit too, many of them that didn’t care about school now have very good jobs which required them to adopt a whole new attitude - now they they are out of their Pakistani bubble where all their friends were Pakistani, we have more to talk about. I now have some close friends who happen to be Pakistani. I’ve learnt to speak some Urdu… something I would have never thought I’d do.

So anyway, my point is, keep an open mind and try to get to know more people. There are families out there who you will find share similar values as your own.

Thanks for that and I am trying to keep an open mind, but the more I get to know apne families the more disheartend I become. A lot families think they are doing you some kind of favour or charity by allowing you to marry their precious son and it’s this type of attitude I can’t stand.

@Deeba1234

^Same with me (but I didn’t actually end up marrying a Pakistani in the end.. more down to chance than anything else)..

OP, if it’s the cultural baggage that bothers you why not look for a guy who lived away from home for uni or work and is less likely to be into that stuff or too attached or dependent on his parents.. Also see how the girls are in the family.. If his sisters or sils are working and have the freedom to come and go as they choose obviously that’s a huge positive..

I was like you (prob even more determined not to get caught up with cultural double-standards and so on)..

I think what you wrote is probably quite difficult for non-UK Pakistanis to understand.. The mindset that a lot of families have in certain parts of England is something you don’t come across in other ‘foreign’ based Pakistanis so much.. Most of the horror stories on GS seem to come from the UK members tho so they should have a clue

It’s a double standard though, I know guys who have lived away and are pretty down to earth and their sisters are pretty educated. But it’s one rule for them and another for the daughter in-law. It’s like they don’t see the daughter in-law as someone with equal rights to their own daughters and mothers.

@kakaballi

No, the issue is that she doesn’t want the same type of “mahol” that she was raised in at her in-laws

Not really I was raised pretty well my parents never really forced any Pakistani cultural junk on us aside from going to weddings and khatams.

@ButtSb

hey little angel, your thread title says “My parents are looking for my rishta…” and you go on about desi boys tied to the apron…:nono:… beta if you were not like rest of them Pakis, you would be out of your house, living your own life and not give a shaat about how your ‘‘parents’’ are deciding your future for you. So much for the brit’ness eh?Relax a bit, just see the guy and the family and decide accordingly.

That’s how my parents want to do it. I’m not going to disagree with them, plus I’m not sure how my parents would take to me not marrying a Pakistani.

[Jolie]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Move in your to a better place, I mean change your local area. All your issues seem more like local community issues than a problem with all 'Pakistanis'.

[Ghost14]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

^ Agreed. You've only seen the ugly side of Pakistani culture and society. Did you not meet other Pakistanis in university? It may require some work on your part but you will have to network to meet people.

Like people have said, if you already know certain families turn you off, then don't meet their sons. Otherwise, be open to meeting people outside of your community.

[Sheeda_Pistol_1]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

You can always marry a kallu, no biggie. Forget Pakis :P

[hareem01]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

It's almost near impossible to find good men in UK...unless you're okay with the non extreme religious men. Most British Pakistani boys are jerks IMO.

Also hard to find an educated decent Pakistani living/working in UK...the ones I know are married to non Pakistani or non Brit Pakistani anyways.

you don't want in laws....so you have 2 options. Either marry someone who's been orphaned or marry someone from back home. But then again, I doubt a doctor or engineer would be willing to move to UK as they have too many luxuries in Pakistan compare to UK.

How about a convert?

[heart_n_soul_1]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

I am sorry but I agree with the poster about Some Pakistani’s in the UK. I have seen loads of examples where it is one rule for the daughter and another rule for the daughter in law. Where the daughter in law refuses to accept that situation, the marriage has always fallen apart on grounds that she is too disrespectful of his parents wishes and more often than not its the jealous insecure sisters that cant stand to see another women be happy so they stir **** and they not satisfied until it finally falls apart. Sometimes even when karma comes to bite them on the arse they still wont understand why. Return button STILL not working on this site!!! Another reason why I think Pakistanis in the UK are narrow minded and pathetic is cus on too many occasions I have seen them refuse perfectly good rishta’s for their son’s on grounds as pathetic as no she was too saanwali and wudn’t suit our gora son! Her family does not have a very big house. Her father is a mere taxi driver. Her town is too far away for us to travel (town is 1 hr 40 mins drive away) WTH ??? All this is enough to put girl off marriage forever. NO hope for us Pakistani women except praying for nothing short of miracles. Or a freshie looking for a visa who will accept her every wish until the visa comes thru and off he goes. Talking purely of examples I have seen with my own ghunaghaar aankhain. God help me with this guy I’m talking to at the moment. Seriously if this guy refuses me on a deplorable reason that I have no control over then I will… ok ill stop there as its Ramadan. I am a Pakistani and have told my younger brother that both his elder sisters will have no say in who he wants to marry and no say in how they choose to live their lives. Parents will have their say in case he chooses a gori, but apart from that, once he marries, he lives where he likes and does what he likes.

[dosa_chick]

Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

You are being a typical woman from Pakistan according to how you described yourself, self-absorbed and think you are better than others. Sorry for being rude and direct what makes YOU better than other (per your perception) typical pakistanis?? We have few like you in our family and none are happy after marrying their 'ideal' partner. our people do not accept other for who they are, instead of focusing on the 'good' in a person, we focus too much on what needs to be changed.

You need to explore and know yourself better and then find someone you will want to spend rest of your life with.

Marriage is a big commitment and mutual understanding/respect, if you will keep judging your partner for everything after marriage, you will not have a good married life anyways. Doesnt matter how perfect he will be before marriage there will be lots more that you will discover about him by living under the same roof.

There are lots of decent, well educated, normal(per your description) pakistani men out there.

Are you parents asking you to marry someone from your family in pakistan? if not then whats the worry? if you are not typical pakistani woman and do get involved in the things/hobbies you like, there is a very big chance you end of meeting a person with similar interest/hobbies/perspective etc.

good luck...