My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Lifestyle Relationships
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I don’t really have anywhere else to vent this without coming across as a weirdo so I thought I would post this here.

Don’t get me wrong I love my family who are Pakistani but even though I have lived my whole life in a large Pakistani community in the UK I have NO Pakistani friends. My personal experience has been that they tend to be insecure, judgemental and superificial. The only time I have come across “friendly” Pakistanis is when they have wanted something from me.

I know you shouldn’t generalise, and I have met a few Pakistanis who seem down to earth, including a guy who I went to school with. His mum has been asking about me but the problem is his mother is incredibly stuck up as are his sisters so obviously I said no to my parents about taking it any further.

My family aren’t very educated and mostly zameendar in Pakistan but when my dad came to the UK he ran a few buisnesses and did well alhamdullilah so that myself and my siblings could do medical and engineering degrees. Most of our family connections are not that educated so we have to look outside in the area we live but the Pakistanis here have a horrible attitude and think even if their son is uneducated, bad mannered, lazy and not particularly good looking he still deserves a Aishwari Rai lookalike with a University degree.

I’m the eldest and I think my parents are a bit scared about getting me married and so am I.

I just have a massive fear of marrying into a Pakistani family and then having to deal with all the snide comments and drama that comes along with it. I’m also afraid of apne guys who are tied to their mother’s apron strings and will promise all sorts before marriage but after marriage will be too scared to leave home (like my brother).

I also know I’m not a typical Asian, I don’t really wear the latest fashions in salwar kameez, or watch Indian films/dramas, but I do live an Islamic lifestyle. And I know my personality will clash with Pakistani attitudes if I had to live with in-laws.

I don’t really know what to do, I just want to marry someone who steadfast in Islam without all the cultural baggage but it seems even if I find a Pakistani guy like that, his family still tend to be typical Pakis and will cause the usual drama.

I just want a peaceful life.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Have you discussed it with your mother??

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Most important rule of the marriage.... its not important at all who you are married to.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

You had been doing so well with several sensible posts. This is a serious regression…:nahi:

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

You ARE the typical Pakistani (of which you are talking about and which you can't stand).

So if you want a peaceful life for yourself and for your husband in the future, then do something about it now.

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My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Actually how old are you? Because I know a guy who want to get married to a girl who is like you. Plus no saas bahu drama since his mom is young and have a job plus he won't be living in the same country as his mom after the wedding

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!


Not really, I don't really have a solution to the problem so I don't see the point in stressing my parents out further. Also I think my Mum doesn't really understand as she never had to live with her in-laws as she came to the UK and neither my mum or dad have any close family in the UK so they didn't have the usual issues.


You are right it doesn't matter who you marry but it matters about whose family you are marrying into which is my main fear.


I don't really understand the point of this apart from trying to flame me. I am Pakistani but I totally reject the cultural baggage most Pakistanis have and I refuse to accept it before and after marriage.

I have seen a lot of divorces lately between educated Pakistani couples and 90% of the time its been issues with the in-laws rather than the husband and wife themselves. As far as I can see there is no peaceful life for Pakistani couples.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can’t stand Pakistanis!

I was going to say… pay close attention to future MIL and their noker-rani…
Preferably no fans in the house…
you know…

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Why? Because he'll be living in the same country as me? LOL. This is the typical Pakistani stuff I'm on about.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Well I suppose first thing being first is do your parents know how you feel about the whole situation? If not, it would be best to sit them down and explain everything to them.

Let them know the kind of person you are after and maybe they could help in the hunt to find you someone if you're at the stage.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

You fear the unrefinement (bad attitude, poor manners, etc) of Pakistanis.....yet you're turning to Pakistanis on a Pakistani forum for advice. You wouldn't have done so if you didn't have an overall favorable opinion of the members on here...as in you found them sensible/intelligent/articulate/open-minded.....which is why you're asking us, right? That said, you can find such Pakistanis, they do exist. It's up to you to talk to your parents and let them know what qualities you want in a guy, maybe consider getting the support of siblings or relatives that can talk to your parents, and try looking for a guy on your own or ask friends to keep an eye out or u.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

If a guy from a non-traditional, non-Pakistani family knows how traditional, typical Pakistani families work and think, why would he want to get married into one?

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Look for Muslims from another country, maybe people from Lebanon, they are more liberal in thought but a lot of them are practicing Muslims.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

My piece of advice to you is...and don't take this the wrong way: You're also being judgemental towards your kind. It makes zero difference who you marry or what their ethnicity is...you WILL have your fair share of struggles. Why? Because you're literally taking two different people and their lives, morals, values, personalities, temperaments, habits, lifestyles and whatnot and melding them into one. Where will you find a mirror image of yourself? Is that possible? I don't think so. The perfect man does not exist...we usually decide if the person's imperfections are ones we can tolerate and find likeable one day. I have family members that have married into various ethnicities...it makes NO difference. There is drama everywhere. You say you lead an Islamic lifestyle...and you might. But Islam also teaches us sabr, patience, tolerance for other people and respect for those around us. I am not saying marry a Pakistani. What I am saying is...forget that he's Pakistani. Simply evaluate the person for who he is and what he is. That's it. And if you don't want to marry someone for Pakistan...find your own man.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Lol. Because of this mind set I don't think you have really socialized with Pakistanis much, despite the fact that you lived in such a community. You'll find such people in all kinds of families. Don't take me wrong, I am only trying to show you the other side, but your comments are like every other 'Pakistani girl' if I were to put it in your words. Who want independence, freedom, do whatever they will and not have a husband 'tied to his mothers apron'. Don't keep such thoughts before you get married. And all families don't have 'dramas'. They have issues similar to the ones you are going through right now. These things are a part of life and will happen in all families. I wouldn't tell you to discuss this with your parents as you are basically saying you don't want anyone from their homeland without any convincing argument.

The only point I would agree with you upon is a guy marrying you just for your nationality. I hope that doesn't happen to you and I doubt it would if you end up marrying someone educated and from a respectable family.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

It's ok, we're all struggling in our generation against a prior generation that just holds a different value set. Many girls in our generation are getting more educated, and the mom's generation is not, so most people look at potential rishtas and see the guy's mom is backwards.

If you want to build a community and change the Pakistani community, you have to participate in it, and you have to live with these people. Then raise your kids differently, by the next generation, these problems may get better.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Get over yourself. How old are you.

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

Well don't marry a Pakistani, you are grown up, degree holder and possibly doing some job as well. Find your ideal one and marry him. What's the issue here?

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

every girl has these fears- of the unknown. especially in an arranged marriage.
however, my advise is, join some 'urdu' classes inthe UK. you may be surprised how many pakistani guys & girls will be there, most of them with your kind of backgound and thoughts.
Best of luck

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Re: My parents are looking for my rishta but I can't stand Pakistanis!

I have the same views as you, except I think *people in general *are like that. Singling out Pakistanis is highly biased and frankly, very ignorant. Have you heard of confirmation bias?

Like others have said, you will deal with crap with any ethnicity. It doesn't sound like you're ready for marriage. I think you need to rethink your readiness. Don't get married just because your parents want you to. If you think you're ready, meet some guys and form your own impression of their families.