My mistake, My Child's mistake

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
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Reading a thread in life1 - got me thinking

So we all have made mistakes in our lives before - smoked, smoked pot, dated, dated the wrong people, went clubbing, wrong type of clubbing, wasted money on stupid things.

Some say it made me who I am - I learned but how would you react if your child is in the position?

Obviously you will not advocate smoking to your child. But let them make the same mistakes you made and learn from them? Or shelter them?

Are you going to be open and honest with you children about your past and your mistakes or will you try to make sure your prevent your children don’t end up in those situations and scenarios?

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Prevent my children from ending up in any odd situations n scenarios. I don't think i have anything in my life till now that i could mind sharing with my family.

But i do believe if one wants, they can learn alot from mistakes whether their own or of somebody close. However i see alot of people have started taking shelter with this reason that let me make my mistakes so i learn my own lessons. I don't think i will buy that excuse :).

One has to strike a balance.

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Re: My mistake, My Child’s mistake

I do not even want to think about this yet…:naak:

I still have a couple of years to plan my strategy…

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

oh man, i fear this all the time.... im planning on just talking about things. Not necessarily telling them that i had done it myself, but i would tell them the benefits and disadvantages of the act....

and i guess let them make the decision themselves then

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

Successful parenting is to give the child a headstart from where you finished... Or thats what I have always heard my dad tell me and my sisters ...

He also says that if you are to make all the same mistakes that we made and THEN learn from it, then whats the difference between you and those unfortunate kids living off the streets ... they have no guidance , but you have tonns of it and not willing to use ...

Njgal, I feel telling them our mistakes may not help as much coz they have so many influencing factors from outside that will encourage them to make mistakes ... our job is to shelter them ... as much as possible... always have an influence on ones kids, influence through friendly bonds... or else the child will refuse to listen to you...

My parents never gave us the choice , eg smoking... dad sat me down and told me clearly , no matter what people do or say, its wrong and it wont be tolerated. a few days later he took me out for a walk and told me the downsides of smoking and to notice them in friends who do smoke ... this was done in a very friendly way ... clearly my dad had an influence over all three of us that along with the fear of letting him down that we never touched it Alhamudillillah.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

I tried a simple test with my nephew, i let him decide his path as a baby. If he grew up to love what i loved then i shall do my best as an uncle to bring him up as a man like his uncle. If in childhood he ignores our ways then i wont press them on him when he is older, simple.

In my case the first thing my nephew ever did was call me Chaand Chachu, uncle moon. He is now 9 years old and still calls me moon, i have never told him my real name but i have brought him up in the way i was brought up becuase he showed interest in our ancestral ways. To this day he rejects footabll in favour of my swords and i am proud of him. I have no son of my own but i will bring up my nephew as he wishes to be brought up.... and will not expose him to anything he does not favour i take him out with me and he shows the same airs and graces as myself, the usual contempt for general society and struggles to be a fine Muslim Faris.... his father would be proud.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

I am more of a hand's off, let her experience it on her own kinda Dad but I know it really depends on the situation.

I believe that if they are raised when they are toddlers to pre-teen to take responsibility of their actions than even if you let them experience on their own by the time they get to be teen, they will be OK & stay away from really bad stuff.

I take comfort in that at the end of the day, everyone is really Allah's child & there is a thing called free will, which means my sins are my own and my children's theirs'.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

If my daughter does half hte stuff I did i will kill her.

Not literally of course.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

Seriously? Sara would you? Or would you understand the peer pressures that kids have to face today

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Good!!!

NJ not that I want to turn this inot life1 situation, women have this thing where they never admit they screw up. Instead they spend theri whole life justifying some terribly wrong declensions.

Often those mother are too "close" to their daughters and make their daughters walk the same path.

I think one reason is those mother see thier kids as a target too, target to convince the path mother chose was the best.
Not knowing how much are they screwing their kids life.

Boys do rebel and snap out or some time become sissy/confused individuals. How ever girls stay very happy under mom's supervision, cuz mum make their time fun in order to win heart.

Those chick how suffer through lot when exposed to real life eventually. In married life those girls often come back to mum for "favourable" advice rather then the right solution. Usually end up in divorce. multiple times.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

If I made a mistake and regretted it then why in the world would I want my child to learn by the same means.

I believe in the head-start theory totally.
Don't make the mistakes that I made.

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I did say not literally.
Many of my choices and behaviors weren't brought on by peer pressure but other factors, that I hope would be different for my children. If that makes any sense.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

^^ Muzna do you have a younger brother or sister? Ever tried to share you expierence with them and tell them that you've made the SAME mistake thier making right now?

What do you think the outcome is - they say yes baji thank you? Na darling they'll always think "its going to be different for me" and it never is.

People need to make thier own mistakes and learn on thier own. You can lead by example only if someone is wanting to followy your example. The most you can hope to do is keep the lines of communication open and be there for your children or siblings in a time of need.

Leave the rest to Allah mian

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No JK - women especially mothers do admit they are wrong and constantly try to "undo" their parenting wrongs.

I am very critical of myself as parent as constantly worry if it's in me to raise good children in this day and age.

If I do - I would consider it my highest achievement and I know many many parents feel that way.

I don't want my children not to know the world, not to know how you can be wrong and learn from that. My dad always said something that to know "WRONG" you have to get close to "WRONG".

Sometimes when you don't divulge infromation about yourself sometimes children see you as a hyprocrite.

Muniya - I like your post

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

Just because I committed a sin, crime, a bad deed or victim of a bad habit does not mean that I cannot go out and tell people the harms of such acts. Its actually my responsibilty to do that as I have first hand accounts of such stupidities to share.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

Advising your children based on your past bad experiences is different than forbidding them based on the same experiences.

But unless we narrow it down to something specific, everyone will assume what 'wrong' decisions or 'bad' habits we are talking about and thus even though we think we are talking about the same thing, we will not be.

For example, if your child is about to touch a hot stove, no matter how hands off kinda parent you are, you will stop him/her. Now, if he/she tries to get a tattoo, and you already have one ... you might get different responses.

Some might say I will let my son experiment with smoking cos I did while the others will say no they would never. But both of them will likely say no, absolutely not, if we are talking about meth.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

You can not have a fix rule for this. totally depends on the situation and consequences. If consequences are not that drastic, I'd rather have them learn by experience but I will not let them lean that "fire is hot" by putting their hand on the stove burner.

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Muniya, you said exactly what I wanted to say. You can advise or threaten, but be prepared for the fact that no heed will be paid to it. The best you can do is communicate with them and ensure they know you will be there for them.

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honey what If(god forbid) you do a mistake which irreversible ??
I know atleast 5 family like that.

1-Mom cheated got caught, now living with a Muslim, with out nikkah. Father told kid pick me or maa. I had to deal with the girl. I knew how mum use to manipulate her into her own ways.

2-my friends mom married 3 times treated his men like crap, classic FOB(desi women signs)
daughter divorce her perfectly fine caring/good looking huby. Since then daughter have married 3 more men. 1 from here 2 from back home. Never sponsored the ones form back home.

3-my friends Ex saas, (I wont share what she did, I clearly remember once some one posted his/her family pictures and I saw my friends ex SALA in those pic) but daughter divorce my friend.
Frind is happly married now.. girl tries to contact him over and over.

There are to more. But this will give you idea.

One thing common in those girls till they got dragged in reality by thier own fault. Their mum's were their best friends. NOW one hates her mum/family , one left house for gud. etc etc

I was talking about those extreme cases.

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Re: My mistake, My Child's mistake

^ Yaar tumhai ithnai depressing loag kyun milthai hai!!