I have a nice MIL.. I actually like her. Maybe not everything about her but her as a person .. I like her. The problem is .. she doesn’t like me no matter what I do to please her. She thinks I am fake and two faced. I can’t always have a plastic smile on my face because that’s just not me. I appreciate everything she does for us. Today when my husband went off at his parents for something that was between them, she said its all because of me that my husband is talking to his parents like that. I actually didn’t even know that my husband was having some kind of arguement with them. I was in my room and as soon as I walked out baaam… she starts blaming me for everything..
My question is.. How do you make MIL happy?? I’ve tried everything but I failed and I feel bad because my parents in laws are very nice people.
If you truly believe you aren't doing anything and talking and explaining to her doesn't help you need to accept that you can't change grumpy people. Is your husband the only son? Maybe she's a bit possessive and feeling insecure?
I think @Spiral that you are doing really well to not be disheartened by her incorrect presumptions about you and by remaining positive. The more time you spend with your MIL the better it will get over time.
If you live away from your inlaws there is a slight possibility that this will never happen. That it might not get better since she wont be able to see you day to day and can stick to her opinion that you are a typical DIL. I think shes just playing by that theory. It is just as simple as that.
I think you should stay the course. Spend more time with her. Do not speak to your husband about it though. This can be all fixed by you. No need to confuse the situation. He might not handle it well enough and then MIL will think that you said something to him to make him handle it badly.
Spend time with her. More time with her. Sit around with her when there's no reason to as such. She will grow out of her incorrect presumptions over time.
Again, Im really glad to see a post from a DIL actually making the effort and thinking well of her inlaws and WANTING to do good. Bravo.
If your relationship with your MIL is not affecting your relationship with your husband then I would suggest that you just ignore her. I know it's easier said than done but best would be that you keep on treating her well and let her do what she wants to do because if she is unfair to you she will be answerable for it somewhere. You are answerable and responsible for your own self and behaviour so just keep it good , clean & fair. Hopefully she will get better with you in future. If you are trying your level best already then there is not much that you can do right ?
You don't need to get worried about how she talks and how she behaves. It's totally at her own part, you have nothing to do with it. Just make your relationship strong and healthy with your husband and never talk or complain about her behavior to your husband. But explain yourself if by chance your husbands asks you something about her.
Allah swt must have made you mentally and morally understanding, and better; keep on trying without fail and also make dua for her
I have a nice MIL.. I actually like her. Maybe not everything about her but her as a person .. I like her. The problem is .. she doesn't like me no matter what I do to please her. She thinks I am fake and two faced. I can't always have a plastic smile on my face because that's just not me. I appreciate everything she does for us. Today when my husband went off at his parents for something that was between them, she said its all because of me that my husband is talking to his parents like that. I actually didn't even know that my husband was having some kind of arguement with them. I was in my room and as soon as I walked out baaam... she starts blaming me for everything..
My question is.. How do you make MIL happy?? I've tried everything but I failed :( and I feel bad because my parents in laws are very nice people.
How is she a nice MIL if she uses you as a punching bag and has this notion tht you are two faced ? :confused.
You need to grow a bone and tell her like it is. She is not going to learn on her own that she is presumtious . She needs to be told that you have a place in this household ,you not a punching bag and you are not a floormat eithr.
She need to respect and understand it . Your husband is not going to do that for you , you have to do it yourself.
I do not mean to say that you do not respect and take good care of her. Sure talk to her respecfully like you will talk to your mother if she has some misunderstanding about you. In fact you can start with preparing a good meal for her take her out for shoping and then talk to her. Tell her you respect her , you cherish her for being buzurg of the house and need her prayers. Tell her you have no hidden agenda against her and respect her as your own mother. Tell her you will appreciate if she treats you as her daughter and let you know if you have any weaknesses which should be taken care of . Ask her what she wants in you to be changed and work on bringing about that change.
No mater how badly your husband treats her you cannot take sides. Let it be between him and his mother.
How is she a nice MIL if she uses you as a punching bag and has this notion tht you are two faced ? :confused.
You need to grow a bone and tell her like it is. She is not going to learn on her own that she is presumtious . She needs to be told that you have a place in this household ,you not a punching bag and you are not a floormat eithr.
Agree.
Treat your MIL with respect but don't compromise on YOUR self respect and dignity.
I have a nice MIL.. I actually like her. Maybe not everything about her but her as a person .. I like her. The problem is .. she doesn't like me no matter what I do to please her. She thinks I am fake and two faced. I can't always have a plastic smile on my face because that's just not me. I appreciate everything she does for us. Today when my husband went off at his parents for something that was between them, she said its all because of me that my husband is talking to his parents like that. I actually didn't even know that my husband was having some kind of arguement with them. I was in my room and as soon as I walked out baaam... she starts blaming me for everything..
My question is.. How do you make MIL happy?? I've tried everything but I failed :( and I feel bad because my parents in laws are very nice people.
Peace Spiral
So your husband let off steam to his parents and you stayed out of it? Sometimes it is difficult decision to make ...
I know someone who used to get really annoyed at his own parents due to his wife being depressed. Without realising it she subconsciously made her husband think ill of his parents. I think the real relationship that you need to develop is the one between you and your husband. Can you be the sort of wife that tells her husband to be kind to his parents? When my wife says anything and exhibits any kind of reaction she prevents me from speaking to my parents about it, because she knows that it will affect them and they will think that I am blaming them or I have become upset as a result of her being upset.
Rather in fact I tell my parents how my wife tells me to call them up and encourages me to spend time with them. It gives them encouragement.
If you can tell your hubby not to fight with his own parents for any reason then you will be doing a good deed in the sense that you guide him to good. Now I don't mean in the sense of saying "don't fight with your parents they will blame me for it" ... rather say "don't fight with your parents, they are your path to Jannah, respect them" kind of advice. It is because you do not want to make it seem that you don't want your hubby to create conflict with his own parents as a result of your protection ... but rather as a result of his own honour and honour of his parents.
If you love your hubby then get him to earn the love and respect of his own parents ... you are his companion and a companion is a guide as well. Although when he wrongs it is not on your head ... but where you can help balance things then use it ... You have a good opinion of your MIL, but feel that she does not have a good opinion of you ... So ask yourself does it qualify you to be good in her eyes just because you "think of her as good" or is do you feel you have done something that actually shows that you respect them - more than how you feel or think.
I would take the advice above ... ignore her comments to her husband ... A mother cannot blame his bad behaviour on him, so she will always blame those close to him without evidence ... In the past when the princes used to do bad things then their "flogging boy" used to get beats on his behalf. This is because they could not challenge or chastise their beloved children instead used to beat another. This other person was often a friend of the prince who would go around telling the prince not to do bad things ... because if he did then the beats would be inflicted on him and not the prince. A wise flogging boy will not tell the prince to avoid bad as a result of his own protection, but will appear as a consciousness for the prince himself.
People have done real research and written books on the art of human relationships . It is possible to make a friend out of most of the enimies.(not all though).
Are you not beiing too judementall and typecasting all MILs ? If we start with a pre-concieved notion that all MILs are evil and All DIS are idiots then there is no way to mend the fences.
Read a couple of relationship books for change written by realtionship experts. And do not tell me that books are useless. If you had not read a few you will not be here taking part in this discussion.
I am not trying to flame you , insult you or downplay your POV , but there is alway a rational POV about things that is what I am trying to bring in the this debate. I hope you do not mind be being so blunt.
She is a nice person because I truly believe that my husband is what he is because of her and her influence in his life. She thinks that I don't like her. That's the issue. My husband is a good son too but all he said to them is wait till evening to get the groceries because it'll be cheaper to get from some other store compared to the one that is close to our house. They got all worked up that my husband is being cheap ... doesn't like them in our house and in the end blamed me that its because of me that their son is acting this way. Like I said my husband is a wonderful son and a wonderful husband so it came as a shock to them. I am not really sure where my husband was wrong but he apologized anyway but in the process of all this my in laws said bitter things to me when I had nothing to do with what my husband said.
The reason I say my MIL is nice is because she lives far away and doesn't really bother me or lets just say that I don't hear her opinions much (maybe my husband doesn't tell me anything.. idk), but I am always the evil Amreekan bahu that has no manners. Their last visit wasn't as good but this time I've done everything to make them feel comfortable. My husband realizes this and told me not to worry about them. They'll always be bitter. But I hate to see them upset and sad over this. They are old and very sick.
My in laws always get me nice expensive things from Pakistan. Lovvvvvvvesss my son and are more then happy to take care of him. My MIL gives me good advices on things. They are both highly educated and know what they are talking about for the most part. So its all good but because of maybe things that happened in the past (their last visit) they are still bitter.
And NO I am not going to say anything rude to my parents in law and ask them why they treat me like a punching bag... because they don't. They just have wrong opinions about me :(
@Spiral ^ mashallah I am very proud of you even though I do not know you. They will grow out of it in time. If you stay the course. Mashallah you are a good person and subhanallah you respect them. The truth of your actions and intent will shine through sooner or later.
@OP , I admire your respect for your in laws and your concern for their opinion about you but based on what you have told in your last post . I will say jut let it slide , they will start to admire and respect you in time .
and I feel bad because my parents in laws are very nice people.