You will eliminate a lot of stress in your life if you just stop expecting your MIL to like you......cuz you can't change people easily.
Also, when people try really hard to win someone approval...they may not be aware that they could be coming across as less than natural or fake.
I wish more people would implement the calm/but direct approach with their MILS as opposed to just the "going out of their way to be nice" or "playing games" strategy. I know some will argue that it will only cause problems....but it does address the root issues...as oppposed to dancing around/avoiding them. I just wonder....would a qiyaamat rain down a person if they were to say to their MIL "Ammi, I respect you because you're older than me and because of the relationship we share. I always try to be respectful, I don't have ill intentions to you...if I've done anything to offend you, I apologize. However, I get the vibe that you feel some tension toward me. I don't want us to have a stereotypical type of relationship that is often depicted in dramas. I do not know anything about the argument you had with your son. It's really easy to blame me for issues that you're having with him.....but please consider that he's an adult and can form his own opinions/decisions withou the influence of others." What is so offensive or earth-shattering about being direct? It need not be rude. If anything...it might make the person think more about their attitude/actions.
From personal experience, i would suggest you are on the right path by not talking back. It does not accomplish anything. For some reason inlaws from pakistan have this complex that us amrican bahus are evil and bad mannered. Mainly because we dont act like door mats maybe? Anyhow although hard to do, just ignore her behavior and carry on as normal if you can. I know its very hard to do but please try. Rest, your MIL will be happy when she wants to be. There is nothing you can do to change her views except being nice to her.
Also, I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt (when reasonable) and making excuses for them. But when you’re gonna say that “My MIL just doens’t like me no matter how much I please her”…and “she blamed me even though I didn’t know anything about the argument”…this type of frequent behavior negates the idea of her being a “nice person” at least to you. I think in this situation I could admit to myself that she’s a less than nice person,
The thing is that people thinking even a discussion where you CALMLY discuss the issues in a relationship (be it with an elder, especially in-laws)....it's considered talking-back too. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't...for some people. Still doesn't deter me from using the strategy. Sometimes people need to be called out on their idiotic behavior....it need not be done in a rude way.
My husband wouldn't apperciate me talking to his parents about any issue between us. He would simply tell me to tell him rather than telling them. I think that I have a pretty decent relationship with my in laws except that sometimes my MIL says bitter things to me or thinks I am a bad person. I did talk to my husband today about this issue and he said he hates being part of this and that he knows that his parents are wrong but as a son he can't do anything about it because that's just how they've always been. I know its a tough situation for him to be in. My husband told me that he appreciates me being nice to his parents even though sometimes they are not nice to me. I guess that's all I need, my husband's support.
Wow, great attitude, Spiral. I’m very impressed you didn’t give up and don’t fail to see the good in them. I wish I have your patience when I get married. My biggest fear is being branded the evil amreekan bahu as well.
Why can't he do anything? When he sees her say something to you that isn't true, like blaming you, he can speak up. He doesn't have to be rude or argumentative. He can just say that you have nothing to do with it and he doesn't want to hear another word against you. Sometimes you just have to take a stand. He's a married man, with his own family and responsibilities.
I don't know what is wrong with guys now. In my parent's generation, it's as traditional as you can get but there are some things they would never allow. No disrespect or backchat to their parents, and no parents badmouthing their wives. Basically, all the women were kept in their place. There, I said it.
Wait, all you girls who fear being labeled as the 'evil Amreekan bahu'......is it because your husbands are originally from Pakistan? I mean why would you be the 'evil Amreekan' if your husband is also from Amreeka?!
I mean why would you be the 'evil Amreekan' if your husband is also from Amreeka?!
Then what would you say about families who have lived abroad for years...their own sons and EVEN daughers are born and raised abroad....but despite that....prefer to get a bahu from the motherland?
Why can't he do anything? When he sees her say something to you that isn't true, like blaming you, he can speak up. He doesn't have to be rude or argumentative. He can just say that you have nothing to do with it and he doesn't want to hear another word against you. Sometimes you just have to take a stand. He's a married man, with his own family and responsibilities.
I don't know what is wrong with guys now. In my parent's generation, it's as traditional as you can get but there are some things they would never allow. No disrespect or backchat to their parents, and no parents badmouthing their wives. Basically, all the women were kept in their place. There, I said it.
I agree with you there that sometimes men do have to take a stand but in my case I am happy to see that my husband supports me even if he doesn't say anything to his parents. He said sorry to me for all this. I am fine with it because I know my husband won't be happy saying all this to his parents because he just doesn't want to. I'll rather want him to be happy and not feel bad about all this.
Wait, all you girls who fear being labeled as the 'evil Amreekan bahu'......is it because your husbands are originally from Pakistan? I mean why would you be the 'evil Amreekan' if your husband is also from Amreeka?!
I don't know about others but because my in laws live in Pakistan, for them I am an American. My husband also came a lot after I did to this country.
My husband wouldn't apperciate me talking to his parents about any issue between us. He would simply tell me to tell him rather than telling them. I think that I have a pretty decent relationship with my in laws except that sometimes my MIL says bitter things to me or thinks I am a bad person. I did talk to my husband today about this issue and he said he hates being part of this and that he knows that his parents are wrong but as a son he can't do anything about it because that's just how they've always been. I know its a tough situation for him to be in. My husband told me that he appreciates me being nice to his parents even though sometimes they are not nice to me. I guess that's all I need, my husband's support.
You have your husband on your side.
Most men don't even notice their parents being unfair or mean.
You're not wrong for wanting them to love you. If I was in your shoes, I would do my best and leave the rest to Allah swt.
Wait, all you girls who fear being labeled as the 'evil Amreekan bahu'......is it because your husbands are originally from Pakistan? I mean why would you be the 'evil Amreekan' if your husband is also from Amreeka?!
In my case, my future in-laws don't live in the US.
Well if that's the case, you can look forward to the rest of your life being the same. Of course he's going to support you behind closed doors so to speak. It's convenient for him that they blame you. At some point he needs to put his foot down and put people in their place. Although it depends on his character. Some people are too soft and their words are not taken seriously. But one word from a strong personality is all it takes.
But I'm not saying that you should tell him or encourage him to do this. It has to come from himself.
Well if that's the case, you can look forward to the rest of your life being the same. Of course he's going to support you behind closed doors so to speak. It's convenient for him that they blame you. At some point he needs to put his foot down and put people in their place. Although it depends on his character. Some people are too soft and their words are not taken seriously. But one word from a strong personality is all it takes.
But I'm not saying that you should tell him or encourage him to do this. It has to come from himself.
I agree with this. You can't make him do anything and you shouldn't because he might resent you later. My advice would be kill 'em with kindness. You can't change how people are, you can only change your reaction to them. I don't know why DILs strive so hard to be liked by their MIL. Who cares? So long as your husband loves you, your MIL has to deal with it.
My future MIL is civl to me but I know deep down she doesn't like me and lord only knows what she tells my bf but I don't care. I'm nice to her, she has no ammo on me.
Side note: I have no issue being the "Evil Amreekan (or in my case Canadian) bahu". I'd rather let it be known who runs sh*t than be trampled over by everyone - MIL included. There I said it LOL.
Well if that's the case, you can look forward to the rest of your life being the same. Of course he's going to support you behind closed doors so to speak. It's convenient for him that they blame you. At some point he needs to put his foot down and put people in their place. Although it depends on his character. Some people are too soft and their words are not taken seriously. But one word from a strong personality is all it takes.
But I'm not saying that you should tell him or encourage him to do this. It has to come from himself.
I think that’s what a woman needs the most – her husband’s support. And Allhumd, Spiral has it. Doesn’t matter if it is behind closed doors or not. As it is, how many husbands do you know who actually take a stand for their wives especially in front of their parents? Even if they say something without getting argumentative, it still gives off the wrong vibe. And ultimately, parents start assuming the worst (e.g. oh the DIL has completely taken our son away, blah blah blah) – which is what the husband wants to avoid.
I mean, I understand what you are trying to say, and it makes total sense, but I am just wondering, how often does it happen? I would just be happy that I know my husband supports me, even if he is not able to say anything to his parents. Not a lot of husbands even notice the unfairness that their wives have to go through at times. So at least, that’s a big step ahead. Just my two cents.
My dad did, my husband does. If someone is saying something untrue, it should be put right.
I'm not saying this should be a recurring thing. My husband listened to a lot of s*** before we were married but there came a point where enough was enough. Since that time, she hasn't said anything more to him or my FIL. She had the sense to realise that she has to like it or lump it. Our relationship (hers and mine) has definitely improved.
a wife once said to his husband, i dont want your mother in our house - she is now divorced
no matter how brave you may seem to think you are, there is always bigger fish out there
also if a husband calls the shots he can call the shots on his wife too if she tries to be oversmart gotta be always careful in what you do
and then there are lousy husbands who dont do anything
Not really. one strong word from the husband does not change anything. It just makes the inlaws think that the bahu has done jadu on their son. Trust me.
Well if that's the case, you can look forward to the rest of your life being the same. Of course he's going to support you behind closed doors so to speak. It's convenient for him that they blame you. At some point he needs to put his foot down and put people in their place. Although it depends on his character. Some people are too soft and their words are not taken seriously. But one word from a strong personality is all it takes.
But I'm not saying that you should tell him or encourage him to do this. It has to come from himself.
