My little story

Lifestyle Relationships
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Okay so here is my little story: few years ago when I was a typical teenager, doing typical teenager stuff my life changed (Islamically). I don’t mean to say I became pious or anything, but I became more aware of my deen and I wanted to change my life around. Back then I was young, slightly heartbroken, stressed from my mother’s mental illness and felt the need to be responsible for my two younger brothers and Dad. Ofcourse being closer to Allah made me feel complete and gave me peace and I wanted (and still want) nothing more than to be a good muslim. During the same time period, I met my husband who was already a Hafiz and what truly attracted me towards him was religion. I liked his moderation with his deen and regular life because I wanted encouragement, not be pushed or forced into doing things I wasn’t ready for. I wanted him and I to do work for deen in any form possible and I was very passionate about it. Anyways, his family proposed, we got engaged, and then nikkah even though we were both young but it was best for us to save us from doing wrong. I really wanted my husband to become an aalim and he wanted that for himself as well. So he went to South Africa to study in one of the best schools. He’s now in 4th year and inshallah we’ll be getting married in July (rukhsati) and I’ll go there with him till he completes his studies. Now I know this is what I’ve wanted but lately I’ve been having many doubts. I think about my commitment often and I wonder if I’ll want the same thing later on. Since he’s in a better Islamic environment, he’s keeping well with things but I am falling behind. I don’t feel as strong as I did and this is going to sound stupid, but on GS I’ve come across a lot of people bashing on Aalim’s/moulana’s and it makes me think twice about what my Husband is doing and how people and society is going to look at him. I would hate for him to be disrespected for the work that he does because he’s working really hard for his aalim and putting aside his other education till after he’s done. My extended family (cousins/uncles etc) already criticize our marriage because he isn’t working and doesn’t have a real income (though I am not concerned and it doesn’t bother me)Both of our families are sensible Muslims but no real support from anyone except His dad and mine, along with my brother.

Recently, I keep thinking about myself and this marriage. What if this is just a phase that I’m going through and once I get over it, would I begin to regret this marriage? Is him being an aalim not a good idea? I don’t want to tell him that this is how I feel because then he might feel regretful for being with me because I’m not the person he chose to marry.

Any wise advise?

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Re: My little story

maybe this is more appropriate for religion section

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Re: My little story

I think you should do Istikhara. :)

Income and status always come from Allah, so if you guys are compatible with each other and able to ride out any tough times then maybe it'll be ok? If he's a decent non-hypocritcial man, then him being an Alim is definitely definitely a good thing, for this life and more importantly for the Hereafter, but I'm sure you know that :) Also, if he's got a good understanding of the deen he probably knows how to treat you well as a wife.. But don't stress about the fact that you're having doubts - it's normal for everybody to worry about things like this :)

Also, could you elaborate on your last line - you're not the person he chose to marry? Did he choose someone else? Or do you mean differently?

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Re: My little story

I think you should wait and see how you feel once you're living with him in SA. In the meantime, if you feel you are maybe falling away from your deen, i guess the best thing to do would be to immerse yourself in it more than you already may be doing. Hope that makes sense, its a small piece of advice but i hope you find it useful.

xx

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Re: My little story

The thing is your nikah is already done. What you are experiencing now that the time is near is most possibly cold feet. You are married already to him and hence you should consider that very strongly. Im sure when you are living together after rukhsati, these issues will resolve themselves. These doubts you are having. He practices with moderation and balance as you said, and religion is a personal thing for everyone so even if you are falling behind somewhat, he wont force you into anything because islam doesnt allow that either. There is no compulsion in islam, there is tolerance and respect for others and advising them towards the right path. So your worries I am sure are unfounded.

Had it just been an engagement my advice might have been different but as you have said you have had a nikah, shove doubts out of your mind. Engagement allows you to entertain such thoughts towards an end (good or bad). Nikah is a commitment you have made. Go into it with pure niyat. Allah behtar karein gay insha allah

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Re: My little story

I don't think that you should compare yourself to him, everyone moves at their own pace and eventually you'll get there too. It's not a race, Allah (swt) is looking at your heart, as long as that's in the right place and you're trying then there's nothing more to worry about.

I get what you mean about the Mullah bashing but then you have to understand that countries especially like Pakistan have a lot of 'fakes' who will take money from people and make ridiculous claims which has made a lot of people wary of it all. If you feel like you've found a murshad (and he never asks for money, or possessions and does not make weird claims like chain your wife to the kitchen door) and you feel peace there then don't be affected by what people say. Haters gonna hate. Don't worry about things like respect, I've noticed that people once truly enlightened have the world at their feet, people flock them, obviously once there's light on someones face and once you leave everything to Allah (swt) then this world and materialism becomes subjective. It's weird as soon as you realise how meaningless this world is, the world becomes yours. I've seen a lot of people go through this, but once they've got to that stage it all seems secondary to their real existence.

Other than that I would follow Demesne's advice, it sounds pretty solid. Move at your own pace, make sure you're comfortable and make sure you and your husband are on the same page and keep deen and duniya balanced. Everything will work out for you soon in-sha'Allah :)

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Re: My little story

Madinahme, people go into marriage for a variety of reasons. People enter marriage after leading different sort of lives. Some enter young, some old, some battered, some bruised. Some experienced. Some not. Etc etc. Some might be going through phases, some might be completely clear about what they want. All of that doesn't matter. Once you are in sweetheart, you are in. The problem with long distance exactly that - Distance.

I have a feeling I am going to actively follow what I'm about to tell you now. First clear this following concept in your mind:

*"This is my husband. He is my life partner. He is the person I am most probably going to grow old with. Compared to other people: parents, siblings, children, friends, colleagues, acquaintances - this is the person who will be around for the most part of the life I have left. I will share all that time with him. That is what a marriage means. That is what it means to be married to him. THAT is the commitment I signed and agreed to with pure heart. And that is what he agreed to as well. I am all of that for him too. THAT is the real perspective"
*

Once this is understood by you, and I am not saying you dont understand it already. Sometimes even the most basic, common sense things aren't really smack in our faces since they are so basic. And this is one of those basic things. Once that is understood by you, word it as you want and paste it somewhere you look everyday in passing. Perhaps your compact, perhaps the washroom mirror. Whereever. I will probably put this or something representing this thought on my mirror. :) Since I don't want everyone to know what it is I'll word it differently but I'll make sure that whenever I see it I know exactly what it means and this concept is recalled in my mind word for word as I best understand it.

It helps to keep such reminders around to show us the true picture.
Allah keep you

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Re: My little story

You mentioned two worries that you have. One is that he is studying to be an aalim and there are many people who bash aalims. The other one is that your extended family thinks him not making money is a problem and criticize your marriage for it.

I am glad that you don't have any problems with who he is. These might be actual problems around you, but because they are about what other might say/think/feel about your marriage, they do not hold a lot of ground. You are probably getting cold feet due to which these issues seem worse to you.

Traditionally respected careers like doctors and lawyers would be bashed too in some circles. All careers have niches where they are not liked. If the idea of being a devout muslim really matters to you, then I don't think there is a huge issue here. If, however, you feel like your commitment to Islam is wavering to the extent that you don't want it in your life as much as you initially thought, then give this a thought. But also keep in mind that you have already made the commitment.

One solution to cold feet is to talk to that little scared person inside of you and let it know that it's ok to be scared and that you have made the commitment and you're sticking to it. Think this over some more. Think about what exactly is bothering you. As of right now, the issues don't seem huge and I think you will be fine (but you're the best judge).

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Re: My little story

I would like to congratulate you that your husband is going to become aalim. I heard madarsas in SA are one of the best place of seeking knowledge of Islam in English language.

I agree with you that most of the educated people on GS curse aalims and consider themselves expert of deen which is not true.

You should not worry about you husband, as you already mentioned that he will also pursue some bachelor degree.

It could be your negative thought which made you to stay away from him.

Remember, you are not answerable to GS members but to one and only Allah.

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Re: My little story

Every marriage is different. Never compare yours with anyone else's.

Look at him for who he is and how he is with you.

Income and status are all things that come from Allah swt...I will say though...do you have long term plans for the future? As in how will the both of you live - financially?

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Re: My little story

I think I was unclear so you guys misunderstood what I meant to say. I'm not by any means saying I don't want to be married to him or that I'm worried about people, income or anything like that. What I meant to ask was if people sometimes change back to their old self and if I did, would that reflect my marriage and how I keep myself motivated - Hence, that's why I said that I should post it in religion forum instead of here.
Sorry guys!

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Re: My little story

Soooo true

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We do, inshallah we plan to come back and he has to start uni and maybe i'll work or study further. For now, we'll be living on savings and help from his parents

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... And what is the old self? Can you describe it like were you a partyholic / hanging out till 2 a.m. in the morning girl or just wasn't as religious like praying, doing hijab etc? I do get it that you were more interested in learning about islam so it was like a fad, but the real question now comes after some months that if you have the will power to follow through with it.

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Re: My little story

madinahme, if you had not been extremely away from Islam previously, you should not be worried about returning back to your old ways. Also, if your husband knows about your previous lifestyle, he has accepted you the way you are and the way you have been. After all, people also marry newly converted Muslims and they don't fear what if the guy/ girl returns back to his/ her previous religion. It all depends on your stability and the environment and companionship which you will be having once you start living with your husband. Hopefully, the environment of your home will be religious, (I hope your husband does not force you with anything extreme and does not impose very strict things on you), you will be perfectly fine Insha Allah. I think you will only return to your 'old ways' if you are forced towards the religion in an extreme manner and asking you to practice Islam beyond your acceptable limits (e.g. doing ninja hijab with face covered etc).

Perhaps you can discuss with your husband the level of Islam your husbands wants you to practice after marriage and convey your fear to him that you don't see yourself a very good muslim and you will need his support and cooperation in enabling you to understand Islam and practice it more willingly. You can share your fears with him and he hopefully will understand what you are coming from and will be there to understand you and support you in any way he can.

Stop having any fears and negative thoughts about your married life. When we marry someone, we should keep in mind that the guy might have different religious, social and cultural background. Even in love marriages, there can be many new revelations about the girl/ guy which we only get to know once we are married and start living with him/ her. You should be prepared to make any compromises but at the same time you can discuss anything which bothers you with him now since you both are nikahfied. There is always a middle way and we should try to look for that in any situation.

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Re: My little story

You are not a different person from who you were back then. You are the same person, but more mature, making different decisions and life choices. You will not suddenly or magically change back to the "old you." You will not magically become less religious or observant unless you choose to. I think it is normal to go through periods of doubt and confusion, and it is wonderful to have spouse who is willing to discuss and grow in faith with you.

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Re: My little story

i think youre very lucky to have found an aalim husband May Allah bless you both i'A, its just the nerves so dont worry, you will be fine. I actually think it will be much easier when you start to live with each other, because then you can both help each other out on the problems you are worried about (feeling that you will fall behind etc) He cant force you to do this and that but he can help you, support you and that's what you need. :)

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Re: My little story

dont really let views of gs members bashing molvis change ur mind. Half of them are themselves confused with who they are and who they want to be. They believe they are madranized desis but from what i recall a desi can never be open minded=(

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Re: My little story

didnt you just read NomiCa's signature before ending up with this thread? Here on GS, people just speak their mind out and most of the time they dont even know what they are talking about or I should say they themselves are not sure if what they are posting is the voice of their heart. Deen will always be a deen, no one can take away the blessing of being a good muslim from you or your husband.

Now if your husband fulfills his duty of being a good Alim, I think a good Alim should be one who acts on the Surah Al Asar. Who guides us commoners to right path. The rest is everyone's individual capacity if they come under the spell of shaitan and start deviating from the true path and true message of Islam. If your husband is a good human being, he would be a good muslim too, on the top of that he is pursuing the career you wanted him to.

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Re: My little story

You've embarked on a journey, don't fear it, as long as you intend to keep on the right path Allah (swt) will always give you the strength to keep going. I think you should just go with this, it's obviously a positive thing in your life, worrying too much about what if's will unnecessarily burden you. You have an amazing guy, we all make mistakes, if you do ever feel like you're taking a step backwards I'm sure you'll have his support to rely on. You're in a good place right now, enjoy it and keep going, looking backwards has never helped anyone.
I truly hope this works out for the best of you <3