i am stuck in a bad situation… had a love marriage and have never been accepted by my in laws. MIL be’s nice on my face and bad behind my back. i know this because everyone in the household avoid me like im a leper. they dont let on and dont talk straight to me. my MIL makes a massive effort to talk to me when my FIL is around and when he isnt she drops little comments to me.
The worst of it all is that she doesnt let onto my daughter. actually no one in the household does. when she was born they didnt make an effort to see her and even now they dont come round. weeks will pass by and they wont come to my house and i go to theres 2 or 3 times a week and clean up and wash the dishes etc. i dont know how i can make them see me as a good bahu.
there are 2 more DILs which are blood related and i have seen with my own eyes their rudeness towards MIL but she adores them. i feel more upset because one of them had a baby and the help she got was unbelievable. closer to her due date she was well looked after and someone was always around her. my due date came and went and i didnt even hear a whisper from anyone. i was in labour alone whilst my husband was trying to get home to me and they still didnt come to help, even though they were closer to me.
im upset becasue it seems like my MIL has gotten to my FIL and now he is being reserved aswell. i dont like confrontation and sometimes i think yeah i will say this and that when i see them to get it out but when i see them i just be nice again…i think this is due to my upbringing and im proud to say iv never said a bad word to them.
my husband knows whats happening and due to them not making an effort with our daughter he has lost all love for them aswell. im not those type of girls that thinks yey iv got my hubby all to myself, i actually just wanted some love and my daughter to have that love from her grandparents but i just cant understand why they are like this.
I have just skimmed through your post and would sincerely like to advise you that stop expecting from your inlaws and dont compare yourself to others. Your husband is with you and he loves his daughter what more do you want ? Very few people get a perfect life and everything they wish for . In my opinion you have a family , a husband and a child and all 3 of you are together and that is what really matters.
the solution to your problem lies in your own hands really because you can't change your inlaws and you are not happy with what u have.
Continue respecting them and trying to make an effort like you are right now. Only time can tell if they will change their attitude towards you. Sometimes little changes ( love marriages, outside the family, lack of support from son, etc.) can upset parents. I'm assuming they're holding some sort of grudge against you, so let them. iA' something good will happen to change their mindset towards you.
Your first priority is your husband and daughter. Stick to that instead of worrying about something which is NOT in your hands.
OP, how long have u been married? Your MIL seems to know how to hold a grudge.. My mum was like this with my SIL at the start but now they get on really well.. Maybe ur MIL will also change and realise she is wrong, esp now she has a grand-child, I would have thought it would be hard to be so cold when there is a little one there as well..
Drop all your expectations from others, all your daughter needs is a loving mother and father.
Moreover, don't compare yourself to the other DIL's, it'll only make you feel bad and left out. You can't force people to like you. You can only be at your best with everyone, and I can see you are already doing that. It shows your grace and quality and you should stay like that :)
Leave the rest to Allah.
Don't let your in-laws get to you because the stress is not worth it. If someone doesn't want to like you and is making such an effort to show their resentment towards you, then there is not much you can do about it except to be the better person and ignore them.
I can understand it can be hurtful to hear someone has been backbiting about you but you can't stop them from doing it. Carry on being polite and showing them respect as you have been. Its good that you go to visit them as often as you do and help with the dishes etc. That's really considerate of you. Always say good things about your in-laws to your daughter and if she is old enough get her to do some drawings/ paintings to give to them. These little things will count over time and bring your daughter closer to her grandparents.
In time (could be a few years even) your MIL will hopefully change with you once she gives you the chance and realizes she was wrong about you.
The worst of it all is that she doesnt let onto my daughter. actually no one in the household does. when she was born they didnt make an effort to see her and even now they dont come round. weeks will pass by and they wont come to my house and i go to theres 2 or 3 times a week and clean up and wash the dishes etc. i dont know how i can make them see me as a good bahu.
my husband knows whats happening and due to them not making an effort with our daughter he has lost all love for them aswell. im not those type of girls that thinks yey iv got my hubby all to myself, i actually just wanted some love and my daughter to have that love from her grandparents but i just cant understand why they are like this.
1) This may sound really weird, but I have noticed that some people have greater respect for those that treat them like dirt...and less respect for them who treat them right. Now it could also be that maybe YOU come across as trying too hard/needy...and that can be off putting. When you ask "How can I MAKE them see me as a good bahu?".....that indicates that YOU are part of the problem here. You CANNOT "make" someone like you or see that you're a good person/bahu, etc. If a person has made up their mind...they've made up their mind. The fact that you feel the need to gain their approval might be reflective of a low self-esteem/low confidence problem. A more confident person would be secure in their own belief that they ARE a good person....that they have enough people in their life that love them....and that they don't need the approval of someone who can't manage to even give them basic respect.
2) If your in-laws never spent any time with your daughter.....then that means they don't really care about her. So, why would you want to expose your daugther to people like that? Your in-laws don't respect you.....and that shows in their words and in their actions and in their body language. Your daugther is not blind.......and she will eventually pick up on the fact that my dada/dadi treat my mom like dirt. I don't know why people think that children are clueless.....when their minds are like sponges and they are more perceptive than adults give them credit for. Your in-laws will not be able to conceal their disdain/contempt for you and your daugther......and this will become apparent to your daugther and it's not healthy for her. It's better to have just ONE set of loving grandparents than to have a complete dysfunctional team. Why don't you think of it that way as well? As long as a child has nurturing parents and several loving relatives.....he/she wont' be "scarred for life" just because of a few idiotic family members. Now, she might feel the sting of being treated differently by her grandparents.....but then it depends upon how your and your husband manage that issue.....and overall......I think it's better to not have such a negative people around you.
3) Also, some people try to make their lives more difficult when there's no need to. And it seems like that's what you're trying to do here. Look, you are VERY BLESSED that your husband supports you and that he is not blind to his parents actions/attitude. And personally, I think that's the most important thing here because you LIVE with your husband....not your in-laws. Life would be much tougher for you if your husband didn't support you and was the kind to believe that family is always right. And not having to live with difficult in-laws makes your life easier. Instead of dwelling over what you don't have.......why not appreciate and enjoy the blessings that you do have.
4) While I do think it's sad that your in-laws are behaving this way............at the same time I do think that you're partly to blame. You need to adjust yourconfidence and stop trying to "prove" a point to people who don't respect you. Just be good for the sake of Allah instead of trying to get something in return from them. Or if you can't manage that....then don't go out of your way to be good to people who don't care about you. Just maintain a distance...it's better for your peace of mind. And I'd reflect over wheter or not you're in some sort of comeption with the other DILs...because you've mentioned how theyr'e treated differently from you. Let them be. You have a supportive husband.....and that probably kills your MIL more than anything. You're not lacking in friends/family who are sincere and care about you.
Oh and also…since your husband has lost respect for his own parents…then I don’t understand why you’ve taken it upon yourself to visit your in-laws 2-3 times a week to be their “maid” and clean up for them…when the other DILs can’t be bothered. Why make your life difficult? Seriously, it can be a real turn-off to kiss up to people like that. It’s human nature that people tend to have more respect for those that have boundaries and are don’t allow themselves to be pushed-around. The 2-3 times a week that you spend being your MIL’s maid…and then putting yourself through the pain and stress of not being appreciated/rewarded by the woman for willingly acting like her servant…could be spent in peace with people who actually care about you. We can’t control what others do and say…but we have greater control over our own actions/decisions. And if we willingly make decisions that are going to make our lives difficult and degrade us…and then complain about it…then we’re to blame.
stop going to their damn house to do work. Stop initiating contact. Basic rule is if a person truly respects you and wants to be around you....they will initiate contact as well.
Take it as a blessing that you rhusband recognizes how they are treating you. Alot of dudes may not.
Your daughter doesn't deserve to be around such awful people. Forget why they dont care, stop caring why they care more for their DILs than you.
i dont get the issue, you dont have to live with them, your husbadn seems to care about you , you two are happy and with a child and most important your in laws dont come to your place to bother you or expect anything frm you. to me you are living an ideal life :) its best if you dotn expect anything from them as well.
You will never be able to make everyone happy...so stop trying.
You are a mother now and your first priority is your child. Why would you ever want to expose your baby to such a hostile environment? Wont she be hurt to see her grandparents' treatment towards her as she gets older? So why put her through it? She will have to deal with this as she gets older, trust me.
You are a wife. If your husband is happy with you, understands you, cares for you, is a good father and provider...why do you need more? What else can you want for? You know how many women post threads in LR wishing and praying their husbands could see the mistreatment of their inlaws? They would kill to have a man like yours who at least gets you and sympathizes.
If after your daughter and husband, you have time left over...spend it on yourself.
Stop going to your inlaws' home to clean for them...they have people living with them that can do this for them. Stop looking for their approval...you really dont need it. You have a great life so learn to count the blessings Allah swt has given you and be happy.
stop going to their damn house to do work. Stop initiating contact. Basic rule is if a person truly respects you and wants to be around you....they will initiate contact as well.
Take it as a blessing that you rhusband recognizes how they are treating you. Alot of dudes may not.
Your daughter doesn't deserve to be around such awful people. Forget why they dont care, stop caring why they care more for their DILs than you.
If you sincerely want your child to have loving grandparents then continue to do what you are doing (i.e. initiating contact, helping out when you are visiting, etc., etc.) but lose the expectation of respect that you have from them.
Eventually you will get what you deserve. It is not humans that can give you what you deserve, it is Allah.
At the very least Allah will ensure that your child learns how to give respect even when none is recevied. This is a very valuable lesson.
And just so you know.....I've done this and it worked Ah.
If you sincerely want your child to have loving grandparents then continue to do what you are doing (i.e. initiating contact, helping out when you are visiting, etc., etc.) but lose the expectation of respect that you have from them.
Eventually you will get what you deserve. It is not humans that can give you what you deserve, it is Allah.
At the very least Allah will ensure that your child learns how to give respect even when none is recevied. This is a very valuable lesson.
And just so you know.....I've done this and it worked Ah.
I agree with this. If you stoop to their level, despite your being in the right, you will be labeled as no different from them. No one says that you should be a doormat and take abuse from them, but maintain a civil and courteous relationship with your in-laws and even if you get no reward or recognition from your in-laws, you will from Allah, and you will please your husband, as well as Muzna indicated provide a positive role model for your child.
