My friend's problem :(

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

What the hell? They have been married for four years and the guy’s family still can’t accept her?

The story seems a bit one-dimensional. I know that there are evil and dumb people out there but this lot seems like the evilest and the dumbest of them all.

Is your friend educated? Can she get a job? She needs to become a bit more independent in order to take on these people. Obviously all the bad things that they have been saying to her (if to the extent you are mentioning), have taken a toll on her and she is starting to believe those things.

I don’t think divroce is an option for your friend. If she is depressed over people saying things about her in-laws absence in dawats, then she might throw herself off a bridge if she gets divorced.

If this situation is going to get any better, the lovely, caring, respectful husband is going to have to suck it up and talk to his parents. I dont understand how he thinks that talking to his parents and telling them they cannot treat his wife that way, will be disrespectful. Does he not know how to talk like a civil, normal human being? If he is providing for the entire family and fulfilling every wish that comes out of their mouths, then the least they can do is respect his wife and let them live in peace.

42

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

I don’t know why they want to move in with the son (prob to torture her more!) but they want him to sell their house and buy a bigger one where they can all live together.

43

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

Because his mom wanted a girl from their own family. They are urdu speaking and my friend is a pathan—this is the main reason given by his family themselves.

44

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

I myself want to bang my head in walls when every time I talk to my friend she has some new bs like this from them. Yes, she’s educated, born and raised in the U.S (yes!), they stopped her from going to Dental school, let alone a job! And I do believe you, being as sensitive that she is, she really might throw herself off a bridge after divorce! Husband does hint from time to time to family if they say anything in front of him (many times stuff is said behind his back), but it usually ends up in “how dare you tell me that, and jannah lies below your mother’s feet blah blah blah” from the mom and he shuts up! This woman does quran dars at the masjid too, so she knows when to bring quran in and shut him, but as stupid as he is, he doesn’t get it, yet!

45

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

:smack:

46

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

Can she refuse to go to her in-laws?

BusyBee, if your friend if willing to temporarily move out, then there’s a possibility to change the situation.

47

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

Oh and yes, four years and they still don’t accept her…they have said numerous times that “zindagi mein kabhi bahu nahi manenge”, in front of my friend! Another saddest thing I forgot to mention, after she miscarried twice, family told him that this is all because he went against his family’s wishes, and will never be happy…in front of my friend! What can be more traumatizing?! Now, it feels to me that she’s starting to believe all that they say! :cry:

48

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

Temporarily move out to where? They’re living in different cities right now but in-laws will move in within a year or so. As far as her going to her mom’s…ohh what do I tell you…MIL has told her not to come to that city coz if the child is delivered there, they’ll have to “pretend” to give a dawat to friends but they don’t want to! This was said to my friend alone and call was timed when their son’s at work and specifically told to not tell the son! However, my friend told her husband and again he goes like “don’t tell me stuff about my family, I don’t want to hear it even if they said something wrong or whatever!”.

49

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

You know why is that BB. Coz he has been taught to act this way. I remember actually my dad used to say, “larki ko thora roop main rakhna jata hai when you get married”. “If we say something, she should just suck it up”. Whatever yo!. I told him i will NOT be doing all that when i get married nor i will tolerate ounce of injustice upon her. And there will NO exception to this. What i am saying is yo..your friend’s husband grew up in a household where he has been taught to act certain way. So he should man up before it’s too late. My prayers and well wishes for a girl.

50

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

Thanks that’s some really great advice. However, my friend doesn’t say a word back to them!! I have told her many times to reply back but nope! She is an only daughter, was raised very pampered, and never really saw this side of life in her family/friends. So when the in-laws say something bad, she just listens and then cries to husband, who in turn tells her that if they’re wrong, he can’t make em right! She doesn’t nag but just cries and tells him it hurts but he just leaves the apartment and sits in his car if she starts to say something about his family…that’s all in ends up in, every time! Oh btw, him moving away and getting a separate apt was out of luck as he got a good job offer in another city, otherwise she would probably have been with the in-laws.

51

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

ok bull**** about how he can say nothing to his mother and father blah blah blah. if he couldn’t take the heat, he shouldn’t have married her. and I don’t even want to hear these “explanations” that no rishta is stronger than mother son. Such mothers should not have their sons married in the first place. And where was this rishta when he went ahead and married her? does the guy have some brain disorder? or does he pick and choose relationship rules as his feelings change?
You know, I have heard of cases where the guy’s family had major issues with the girl, and they didnt show up to the wedding either, but guess what? the guy didn’t give into family blackmail, sidelined them for just a year, and thats it! they were fine!
Some Pakistani men should learn the words “balance” and “fair” . no matter what, you must always try to be fair. is he being fair to his wife? no. he brought her into this mess, and its his responsibility to get her out. Personally, I don’t see the “love” from his side. 2 miscarriages…2 of his babies died, and still no reaction? brain explode

52

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

@BusyBee your friend has two choices. Here they are.

  1. Shut up, and prepare for a life of absolute misery when the in-laws move in. By the way, if you think her kid will be unaffected, think again. If a child grows up seeing his mother treated like metaphorical slave, think of the effects on the child’s psych.

  2. Take some sort of drastic action that has a possibility of working but being prepared if it doesn’t.

Look ultimately let’s pretend they get a divorce. Your friend will be absolutely miserable for what? Six months? A year? A few years at most? Then she will get over it, maybe meet someone else (and she will if tries to in the US), and view the whole experience as nothing more then a bad memory. A few years of misery -worst case scenario- is still nothing compared to a lifetime. As of right now, your friend is unwilling to divorce because she is absolutely in love with her husband. Well let me tell you. For any couple, the first few years are really the best, both people are absolutely in love with each other, hormones are in overdrive, ect… Then things calm down, after that both people have to constantly work on the relationship to remain in love.

Your friend’s husband is, I’m sorry to say, an absolute… Guy is a wimp. Do you think her great love for her husband will remain, when the in-laws move in and she becomes the household slave? Do you think when the husband will be relaxing at home, eating meals, while she endures mental or even physical torture, her great love will remain? Think about how you would feel about the guy a few years down the line from now if he was your own husband.

Your friend is an absolute doormat. Everyone is stepping on her. Put yourself in the mind of her husband. Subconsciously he is thinking “yeah my wife is suffering, yeah my parents are making her life a living hell, yeah I’ve destroyed her career, but she still loves me and is still going to love me no matter what. So even if I feel really bad, why should I take that risky step and confront my parents? I’m too scared to do it and for me its fine even if I don’t” The guy told your friend, she can divorce him because he **knew **that she would do no such thing.

Now, regardless of the sort of wimp he is, your friend really does love her husband and the husband really loves your friend. After all he went against his family in getting married. Your friend needs to pack her bags and go to her parents NOW. She shouldn’t even tell her husband she is leaving, just pack her bags, write a note detailing why she left, and go. Have the baby at her parent’s. Then the ball goes to her husband. He has a choice. Continue being an utter wimp, abandon his wife, or choose his wife and become a man. If he becomes a man, he will have to stand up to his parents, get them to back off, maybe refuse to even see them and let them move in. Only then should your friend move back to live with her husband.

If the husband takes these steps, the family will come around to treating her normally. 99% of parents do. The only reason they treat her like this now is because the son doesn’t do anything to stop them.

The husband has some strength buried somewhere, as shown by his getting married against the parent’s wishes and he does love his wife. Now he will be forced to show how much he loves her if he wants to keep her.

I’ve already explained the alternative if your friend does nothing.

Moving out will force the guy to act. Now your friend does not sound like she can go through with this alone. That is where you come in. Go to her, talk some sense into her, strengthen her up, and help her leave. A friend who is physically there can do a lot.

53

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

first few years r usually worst .. itll get better

54

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

Very well explained, thanks! Most important thing for her right now is her kid. She also fears that she won’t be able to be a good mom because of all anxiety and depression. But then again, she thinks hubby might change when there’s a kid involved. Actually, the thing is husband has tried to talk back to parents but is always told to shut up giving some emotional/quranic references. So it’s not like he never tried.

They’ve been together for 8 years, so in the beginning 4 years before marriage, she knew that they won’t accept her, but husband always said they’ll change. SIL used to write her threatening emails to stop dating her brother and what not. So, she’s been in mental anguish since 8 yrs. However, she’s also been in love with him all this time and says she can’t imagine being with anyone else. I don’t know if her self esteem has died in all these years or what but she can’t just see past love! She did try to leave one time to her mom’s but came back herself within 10 days coz she couldn’t live without him! Insane! Hubby is the same, can’t live without her, won’t let her go, but at times when she’s crying up all night, he just tells her sorry for making your life miserable, just leave me and have a happy life with someone else, he means it. He says he’s tired of trying to talk to his family when they won’t straighten or change. He also says that she should just “ignore” them and be happy with him because that’s all that matters…I really don’t know how to tell her to IGNORE all this?!

She regrets her decision as she knew from before it won’t work with his family, but she also can’t imagine living without him. She has sacrificed her career and many things bcoz of him (even after being from an extremely educated family herself and being born/raised in the U.S) but the ONLY thing she still wants is for them to be nice to her, even if she has to live with them. That’s the only thing she wants but…this world is such a cruel place! :frowning:

55

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

the husband is a spineless

56

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

Then I guess she is screwed.

Look on the bright side. The parents can have a slave now. Hey maybe they can even teach their grandchild to hate his mother. After all their son is a weakling and they know it. Sure he’ll give a weak half hearted protest at first, but then he’ll just go along with everything.

57

Firstly, like Reha said stop taking anti depressants they lower your self esteem u start believing that u r weak and u cant do anything try to find strength from inside.
Secondly, her husband remembers the hadith of not disrespecting elders but what about the hadith that one should b good and fair towards his wife? Everyone has self respect the way his wife is being treated is upon him as he got her into this mess..
Not disrespecting elders is one thing but being blind to their torture on his wife and not supporting his wife emotionally r different..u said if she cries he ignores it instead of calming down his wife..u said she was made to work as a slave while she was pregnant where was he then? Didnt he care about his wife or his child? Please Allah knock some sense into this guy give him hidayat hes thinking he is following Islam by not disrespecting his parents but the injustice towards his wife is far worsesigh
ok so your friend is innocent she cant reply back but atleast she can ignore them y take it on herself when she knows that she is right and what her inlaws r doing is wrong..things wont change they wont accept her she shouldnt b concerned about what they say she should accept the reality and live her own life and not take things to her heart.
Oh gosh y m i saying this but she shouldnt give a sh*t about them let them talk y take it seriously y let them win..this is so sad:(

58

Yes she can ignore all this she should..if she loves her husband so much then she should listen to her husband and should ignore all this BS..please support ur friend..she shouldnt care about them its her husband and child who should matter to her and for their sake she should dreaming of being with his family flush them argh

59

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

I don’t think divorce is an option for her. 8 years is a long time and from what I see…divorce is exactly what the in-laws want and are aiming for. On top of all of this, they care for each other. He is just bad at being a husband and son together but I think he does care for her.

I suggest fighting fire with fire.

Tell her to be brave and get a spine. Right now, her in-laws push her around because she lets them. Its been 4 years since she’s been married. Vo bachi nahin hai. She cannot act helpless if she CHOOSES not to help herself. Its stupid.

Look, part of any solution is accepting your own personal responsibility in it. What is your part and what can YOU do to change it? If she cannot even acknowledge her hand in this…which is basically allowing people to walk all over her then she is doomed for life.

Here is what I see happening: She will have a kid. Right now, in-laws hate her and her unborn child. But later, they will want that child because it will be the key to controlling their son and lets face it…grandparents love their grandchildren. When these people move in together in that giant hell-hole…she will be treated like dirt in front her own child and husband her entire life. Her kid will see this and never respect her.

She wants her sanity back…its in her own hands. I understand some girls are innocent and naive lekin itna bhi kya? This is stupid and at the end she will have no one to blame but herself. Not even her husband can help her anymore.

That conversation that happened behind her husband’s back should have been a two sided one…not one sided. What can her husband do? Call his mom up and tell her off? Has that happened so far? So why would it happen now?

Instead of telling her husband all of this and looking like a tattle tale…she needs to shut up and let them dig their own hole.

Her husband canNOT help her. This is her own battle and she needs to fight it herself. They don’t have a problem with their son, they have one with HER. Telling husband to man up is not the answer here…usko karna hota to karchuka hota na ab tak?

60

Re: My friend’s problem :frowning:

What a joke of a wedding. I just read up to the second paragraph. She is the bigger joke, though.