My friend's problem :(

[Twinklestar]

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: don't
Dont marry somebody whose family cannot accept you unless that person has the guts or willingness to leave their family for you! the fact is that these days people meet their prospective spouses in colleges or university .....they way this couple got married is wrong.....LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL!

This is worse the Humsafar story.....

[Twinklestar]

^ we have seen parents accept newly converted girls as Bahus because they didn't want to lose their sons.....what is so wrong with this girl that they can't accept her? Desi parents blackmail BIGTIME! We all know that! That's kinda ingrained in their nature ! but honestly if they don't to lose their son they will accept their daughter in law!

[Mabrook]

Re: My friend's problem :(

saray he pagal hain is story main head to toe. kuch larkiyon ko sirf shadi kerni hoti hai chahay gadhay se he ho.

[The_Last_Straw]

Re: My friend's problem :(

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: don't Dont marry somebody whose family cannot accept you unless that person has the guts or willingness to leave their family for you! ....

Nobody, neither the guy nor the girl, should have to break ties with their family as a prerequisite to a relationship. The issue here is lack of moderation and common sense.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: My friend's problem :(

Tell her to thank her lucky stars that her husband has been so supportive. He could have been like a lot of other trashy pakistani guys - married her and dumped her a few nights after the wedding upon his family's wishes.

So...just keep up a good relationship with her husband and ignore her in-laws. She can easily make other friends in town, can't she? Why is she so heartbroken that her in-laws wont talk to her straight? If I was them, I'd just ignore them, and tend to my true friendships.

The guys sounds like he's trying to do right by everyone, and is just getting taken advantage of. The way she should play the situation is NOT TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE of him, and then making sure that he knows that SHE isn't the one asking for iphones and a house, etc etc, bleeding him financially dry.

:)

[Reha]

Re: My friend’s problem

@Mabrook

saray he pagal hain is story main head to toe. kuch larkiyon ko sirf shadi kerni hoti hai chahay gadhay se he ho.

I love the way you put it.

She should not talk to her husband about anything. He’s got nothin.

She’s gotta do this herself.

[BusyBee]

Re: My friend's problem :(

Thank you all, for your replies and suggestions. Will definitely let her know and make sure she follows some wonderful points mentioned.

About the wedding and what everyone has mentioned what pagalpan it was.....I just want to say it wasn't feasible even though her mom did feel like postponing it. The shaadi was continued because all the arrangements were done, everything in place, and all relatives present. Yes, the outcome wasn't good but I guess in desi culture answering to relatives/friends that guys' family had some problem/health issues is considered easier than canceling a whole wedding where everything's set up in place, no?

I also think parents shouldn't have even left the U.S for Pakistan to do the wedding before they had a rishta pakka word with the family, not just the guy....but his family is very well known so parents never doubted their intentions or any fraud. Also, the guy and their daughter were happy and wanted to be together, I guess that blinded her parents.

Thanks again everyone, please make dua for her and let's hope she follows what is advised, insha'Allah :)

[Twinklestar]

[quote="Twinklestar, post:2, topic:254453"]

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: don't Dont marry somebody whose family cannot accept you unless that person has the guts or willingness to leave their family for you! ....

Nobody, neither the guy nor the girl, should have to break ties with their family as a prerequisite to a relationship. The issue here is lack of moderation and common sense.
[/QUOTE]

I totally agree but when we meet and fall in love we should consider these things. Things don't always fall into place and love does not solve everything

[Doppleganger]

Re: My friend’s problem

@CM

CM looks at post
Brain explodes
CM dies

I guess something good did come out of nothing in this thread!

[Summerbr]

Re: My friend's problem :(

I think lot of ppl have made great suggestions. Bottomline, the couple got married too young. But they're old enough now for sure! She needs to get a backbone and stand up for herself. She is allowing these people to be rude to her and walk all over her. And he needs to get a backbone. Islam has given some rights to his wife as well as his parents. Maybe get her to find out and quote him passages of the Quran re the rights of wives! He gets punished for not giving her, her rights also, not just mom's. As Islam does protect the rights of all women - wives as well as mothers.

She also needs to grow up and not be so dependant on the opinion of others and be more confident and independent. Maybe even go back to dental school? Or atleast get a job / part time job? Go out, meet people, make more friends, have a social circle to keep her busy and pick up new hobbies and activities. She has all this love for her husband. How about some love for herself?!

[sarad]

Re: My friend's problem :(

someone said grand parents love and accept or want grand children ... its not always true.
I have seen a marriage where the girl was not acceptable to the guy's family ... it was not this extreme situation but still the guy's family did not accept the girl and even after the guy had kids, the guy's family would point all the faults of the girl as a mother ... they had a preference for the kids of their other son. The things they say would make my friend feel bad as a mother.

So after having a child, the situation may worsen for your friend.

Also it is very hard for my friend to ignore people's comments, she keeps thinking and does not forget what anyone said. So I can understand that your friend may have a hard time ignoring too. But she needs to. I keep telling my friend the same thing.

She does not need to attend the phone calls from her inlaws. Does she not have caller id ? She does not need to read emails sent from her SIL.
I like the idea of her spending the rest of her pregnancy at her parent's home ignoring what her inlaws said about not delivering in their city, I mean WTH ... who cares !!! and again do not attend their phone calls.

May Allah give her strength and her husband some sense.

[Mirch]

Re: My friend’s problem

@BusyBee

Ok so my best friend is in need of help and Duas right now. To start off, she’s been married for 4 years, been together with hubby since 8 yrs. They had a lot of problems getting married from both families because hubby is Urdu speaking from Karachi and she is a Pashtun, although both families have lived in the U.S since many years.

Long story short, my friend’s parents were ok with it after just a lil persuasion from her as the guy was really nice and known in the community and all. So after many trials guy’s side agreed (families still didn’t talk to each other as rishta Pakka or anything)and told the son to do all the date fixing with my friend’s family. Very awkward as it sounds, he fixed the dates and the venue as they wanted wedding in Pak. So families still not talking and my friend’s family being the “girls side” wanted the boys side to initiate (which never happened).

Two months before the wedding, my friends family left for islamabad for wedding prep and it was assumed the guys family will come soon after according to the guy). Don’t know what was going on in the guys family but my friend’s family were all excited with full preparations(although still no talk whatsoever b/w families). His family arrived a month after my friend’s and a month before wedding, wedding was to take place in Islamabad. According to him all shopping and stuff was being done in Karachi from his side for the girl and her family, gifts etc.

Two days before wedding----guy arrives ALONE with a couple of friends to the wedding saying, now get this, saying, “Ammi ki tabiyat theek nahi thi toh koi aa nahi saka”. Ok, at this point, friend’s mom finally gave in and said oh well I’ll call her first and request (read: BEG!) her to come. She called, my friend’s SIL (who’s same age as her but younger than the guy) picked up and when my friend’s mom told her who she is, SIL hung up! All attempts to contact failed and next day was mehndi and guy kept saying Ammi ki tabiyat kharab hai they won’t come even if you request. Another thing, guy had no gifts for family or my friend, saying Karachi jakar dedenge. Luckily (or unluckily) even shadi jora was purchased by my friend’s family!!

So anyways, wedding took place despite a thousand questions from relatives and many bitter feeling and broken hearts. Guy told my friend to stay in Islamabad till he comes back next time and takes her to Karachi and back to U.S from there. Friends family agreed saying beta sahi hai family k bagair ruksati acchi nahi lagti and stuff. Friend is questioning the guy all this time and he either avoids questions or makes up excuses. Btw, my frnd was 24 and him 25 at that time.

Anyways, week after guy comes back after a week to Islmbd, ALONE, saying ammi’s still not well, and upon asking what’s wrong he said “pata nahi tabiyat kharab hai”. Anyways, long story short (not literally lol) guy takes her to Karachi and on their way mentally prepares her that it’s gonna be a little “tough”… My friend as innocent she is was still so lost in finally being married to the love of her life that she didn’t see it coming…lo and behold, nothing wrong with Ammi, abba, or anyone! No one talking to my friend or welcoming her, barely replied to her Salams! Guy took my friend straight into their room and three days passed in the same behavior and they all flew back to the U.S…no walima or reception!!!

Guy got a good job and moved outta parents house two weeks (two weeks of hell for my friend)to a different city. Upon much confrontation, guy finally told my friend that family never agreed and only went to Pakistan to show people in the U.S that they went to their sons wedding!!! Friend was devastated, and all he had was that he’s just happy that they got married and that’s all he wanted and she should just be happy and ignore other things too. My friend who’s head over heels for him didn’t say anything or told her family what drama his family did. Btw, friend’s family and his family live in the same city in the U.S!

Anyways, after they moved, mental torture never stopped…she picks up phone, they hang up or no replying and say “give the phone to my son/brother” And the SIL who was not yet married was making new farmaish everyday over phone that she needs this n that, nothing wrong with that, but the way she did it, only to compete with my friend! And no, it wasn’t just a little iPhone but stuff including branded purses, perfumes, expensive jewelry/watches, and a new car, a new freaking car that even my friend didn’t get or had asked for yet!! Being a very obedient son/ brother that he was/is, he fulfilled most of them except the car lol…but what was the next farmaish from the entire family?? A bigger house! Right when son had started his new job, new life, and starting to settle down a little!

My friend and her husband still live in an apartment but his family got a bigger house with all bills being paid by son dearest to this date! His father is young/healthy and works, also he has a younger brother(not married) as well but all the farmaishes come to him! My friend would’ve never minded as she always knew that he’ll have to support them later…but not this early when they haven’t even started their own life and most importantly when they’re doing it out of jealousy/competition and show no affection/respect to their own sons wife.

Anyways, this story is never ending, to cut it short, friend went thru a lot of mental torture from being called badsurat (although she’s gorgeous Pathan with green eyes) to a massi and what not…ridiculed and talked as if shes their slave while in laws were visiting their son (yes, according to mil/SIL, they were only visiting their son as his apartment is their apartment!). Anyways, two years ago she got pregnant and miscarried twice, no reason given other than stress. She’s been on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and many pills at this young age…and even had a few panic attacks.

Now, the husband and her are happy with each other but she can’t stand the family as everyday they give her more reasons to be stressed/depressed. Husband doesn’t say anything to them as they’re elders and it’s a gunah to talk back! They call him everyday and visit each other every two months but she’s still treated like sh*t even after 4 yrs and currently pregnant! The only answer guy has—do saber as the reward is great.

Both families live in the same city, don’t talk/see each other (although friend’s parents have no problem, they actually wanna mingle) and when invited at other gatherings just have salam/dua and that drama too from guys side so people won’t question. Ohh and in U.S they told everyone they did walima in Pak and in Pak they told everyone they did walima in u.s!!

Anyways, since my friend is pregnant again and still going thru a lot of stress, she stresses more thinking she might miscarry again. Her and hubby are fighting more and more and 98% of time it’s his family and he says he cant say anything to them or go against them even though he knows theyre wrong! My friend doesn’t have a lot of friend’s either and only tells me her probs, not even her parents bcoz it was her wish to get married to him, so she feels all alone. According to her, other than his family problem, which she can’t EVER get over, everything else is perfect in their relation but dealing with this mentally what they did/do to her, she can’t heal from inside even after multiple counseling sessions and all the medications.

They both love each other a lot and seeing my friend’s mental health (depression, panic, anxiety) from just when the family’s discussed or they call, husband has “disheartedly” suggested divorce so she can live peacefully since he can’t leave his family. She says she can’t live without him but can’t get out of this depression with him and his family Like this either. She was mentally tortured so much at a point (it’s when she miscarried) that she would wake up in the middle of the night and see them yelling at her…basically traumatized

She’s gotten better than before but a long way to go and the parents didnt even live with them at that time and now they plan on moving in with son within a year or so, so she’s getting all these panic attacks and all thinking about it! Both of them are really religious and extremely nice people but son can’t say anything to family and doesn’t want wife to discuss what his family does to her and says complain to Allah (which she does and makes dua) but she feels emotionally torn that husband doesn’t even hear a word against them, not literally against but it’s the real things they do and he knows they do it coz in front of him they do it, and he has barely spoken 1-2 times and that too told to shut up from his mother and a YOUNGER SIS!!

He actually did secretly have a maulana from the community send his wife to just casually go over the saas/bahu/beta topic in Islam (even though mom is very religious herself and knows these things) but no avail! Oh btw, my friend’s family has also suffered a lot of stress (which makes my friend more stressed as she thinks it coz of her) because of all their relatives/friends asking about why her in-laws aren’t present at their dawats living in the same city, and why they weren’t at wedding, why no walima, etc.

So final question, what should she do? Deal with all this and suffer mentally because she just loves him too much or just divorce where still both of them will be doing it for her mental peace, which is not even guaranteed as she might get more depressed from living without him. Again, they both love each other a lot but sometimes life is not what we want it to be…?

If it is the short version of the long story , then what will be the long version. 500 pages long novel ?

[chacha_Ghalib]

Re: My friend's problem :(

Damn, that post was long. I read the first few paragraphs thinking it's going to end but realized I wasn't even halfway through and gave up. Girl's side of the family sound pretty stupid from what I read.

[Keyboard_Stoker]

Re: My friend's problem :(

Any updates?

[pinkyy]

Re: My friend’s problem

@BusyBee

Ok so my best friend is in need of help and Duas right now. To start off, she’s been married for 4 years, been together with hubby since 8 yrs. They had a lot of problems getting married from both families because hubby is Urdu speaking from Karachi and she is a Pashtun, although both families have lived in the U.S since many years.

Long story short, my friend’s parents were ok with it after just a lil persuasion from her as the guy was really nice and known in the community and all. So after many trials guy’s side agreed (families still didn’t talk to each other as rishta Pakka or anything)and told the son to do all the date fixing with my friend’s family. Very awkward as it sounds, he fixed the dates and the venue as they wanted wedding in Pak. So families still not talking and my friend’s family being the “girls side” wanted the boys side to initiate (which never happened).

Two months before the wedding, my friends family left for islamabad for wedding prep and it was assumed the guys family will come soon after according to the guy). Don’t know what was going on in the guys family but my friend’s family were all excited with full preparations(although still no talk whatsoever b/w families). His family arrived a month after my friend’s and a month before wedding, wedding was to take place in Islamabad. According to him all shopping and stuff was being done in Karachi from his side for the girl and her family, gifts etc.

Two days before wedding----guy arrives ALONE with a couple of friends to the wedding saying, now get this, saying, “Ammi ki tabiyat theek nahi thi toh koi aa nahi saka”. Ok, at this point, friend’s mom finally gave in and said oh well I’ll call her first and request (read: BEG!) her to come. She called, my friend’s SIL (who’s same age as her but younger than the guy) picked up and when my friend’s mom told her who she is, SIL hung up! All attempts to contact failed and next day was mehndi and guy kept saying Ammi ki tabiyat kharab hai they won’t come even if you request. Another thing, guy had no gifts for family or my friend, saying Karachi jakar dedenge. Luckily (or unluckily) even shadi jora was purchased by my friend’s family!!

So anyways, wedding took place despite a thousand questions from relatives and many bitter feeling and broken hearts. Guy told my friend to stay in Islamabad till he comes back next time and takes her to Karachi and back to U.S from there. Friends family agreed saying beta sahi hai family k bagair ruksati acchi nahi lagti and stuff. Friend is questioning the guy all this time and he either avoids questions or makes up excuses. Btw, my frnd was 24 and him 25 at that time.

Anyways, week after guy comes back after a week to Islmbd, ALONE, saying ammi’s still not well, and upon asking what’s wrong he said “pata nahi tabiyat kharab hai”. Anyways, long story short (not literally lol) guy takes her to Karachi and on their way mentally prepares her that it’s gonna be a little “tough”… My friend as innocent she is was still so lost in finally being married to the love of her life that she didn’t see it coming…lo and behold, nothing wrong with Ammi, abba, or anyone! No one talking to my friend or welcoming her, barely replied to her Salams! Guy took my friend straight into their room and three days passed in the same behavior and they all flew back to the U.S…no walima or reception!!!

Guy got a good job and moved outta parents house two weeks (two weeks of hell for my friend)to a different city. Upon much confrontation, guy finally told my friend that family never agreed and only went to Pakistan to show people in the U.S that they went to their sons wedding!!! Friend was devastated, and all he had was that he’s just happy that they got married and that’s all he wanted and she should just be happy and ignore other things too. My friend who’s head over heels for him didn’t say anything or told her family what drama his family did. Btw, friend’s family and his family live in the same city in the U.S!

Anyways, after they moved, mental torture never stopped…she picks up phone, they hang up or no replying and say “give the phone to my son/brother” And the SIL who was not yet married was making new farmaish everyday over phone that she needs this n that, nothing wrong with that, but the way she did it, only to compete with my friend! And no, it wasn’t just a little iPhone but stuff including branded purses, perfumes, expensive jewelry/watches, and a new car, a new freaking car that even my friend didn’t get or had asked for yet!! Being a very obedient son/ brother that he was/is, he fulfilled most of them except the car lol…but what was the next farmaish from the entire family?? A bigger house! Right when son had started his new job, new life, and starting to settle down a little!

My friend and her husband still live in an apartment but his family got a bigger house with all bills being paid by son dearest to this date! His father is young/healthy and works, also he has a younger brother(not married) as well but all the farmaishes come to him! My friend would’ve never minded as she always knew that he’ll have to support them later…but not this early when they haven’t even started their own life and most importantly when they’re doing it out of jealousy/competition and show no affection/respect to their own sons wife.

Anyways, this story is never ending, to cut it short, friend went thru a lot of mental torture from being called badsurat (although she’s gorgeous Pathan with green eyes) to a massi and what not…ridiculed and talked as if shes their slave while in laws were visiting their son (yes, according to mil/SIL, they were only visiting their son as his apartment is their apartment!). Anyways, two years ago she got pregnant and miscarried twice, no reason given other than stress. She’s been on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and many pills at this young age…and even had a few panic attacks.

Now, the husband and her are happy with each other but she can’t stand the family as everyday they give her more reasons to be stressed/depressed. Husband doesn’t say anything to them as they’re elders and it’s a gunah to talk back! They call him everyday and visit each other every two months but she’s still treated like sh*t even after 4 yrs and currently pregnant! The only answer guy has—do saber as the reward is great.

Both families live in the same city, don’t talk/see each other (although friend’s parents have no problem, they actually wanna mingle) and when invited at other gatherings just have salam/dua and that drama too from guys side so people won’t question. Ohh and in U.S they told everyone they did walima in Pak and in Pak they told everyone they did walima in u.s!!

Anyways, since my friend is pregnant again and still going thru a lot of stress, she stresses more thinking she might miscarry again. Her and hubby are fighting more and more and 98% of time it’s his family and he says he cant say anything to them or go against them even though he knows theyre wrong! My friend doesn’t have a lot of friend’s either and only tells me her probs, not even her parents bcoz it was her wish to get married to him, so she feels all alone. According to her, other than his family problem, which she can’t EVER get over, everything else is perfect in their relation but dealing with this mentally what they did/do to her, she can’t heal from inside even after multiple counseling sessions and all the medications.

They both love each other a lot and seeing my friend’s mental health (depression, panic, anxiety) from just when the family’s discussed or they call, husband has “disheartedly” suggested divorce so she can live peacefully since he can’t leave his family. She says she can’t live without him but can’t get out of this depression with him and his family Like this either. She was mentally tortured so much at a point (it’s when she miscarried) that she would wake up in the middle of the night and see them yelling at her…basically traumatized

She’s gotten better than before but a long way to go and the parents didnt even live with them at that time and now they plan on moving in with son within a year or so, so she’s getting all these panic attacks and all thinking about it! Both of them are really religious and extremely nice people but son can’t say anything to family and doesn’t want wife to discuss what his family does to her and says complain to Allah (which she does and makes dua) but she feels emotionally torn that husband doesn’t even hear a word against them, not literally against but it’s the real things they do and he knows they do it coz in front of him they do it, and he has barely spoken 1-2 times and that too told to shut up from his mother and a YOUNGER SIS!!

He actually did secretly have a maulana from the community send his wife to just casually go over the saas/bahu/beta topic in Islam (even though mom is very religious herself and knows these things) but no avail! Oh btw, my friend’s family has also suffered a lot of stress (which makes my friend more stressed as she thinks it coz of her) because of all their relatives/friends asking about why her in-laws aren’t present at their dawats living in the same city, and why they weren’t at wedding, why no walima, etc.

So final question, what should she do? Deal with all this and suffer mentally because she just loves him too much or just divorce where still both of them will be doing it for her mental peace, which is not even guaranteed as she might get more depressed from living without him. Again, they both love each other a lot but sometimes life is not what we want it to be…?

The girl’s family is to be blamed entirely! How could they even agree to go ahead with the wedding when no one came from guy’s side!!