A friend of mine who is now 21 is unfortunately not in a good place at all.
Her parents have finally got divorced after a 15 year battle, she has lived with her father all her life, her mother left her when she was 3 years old and her she never really got any love from her mother, her mother is not interested in her at all sadly.
The 15 years of battle were bitter and difficult, her mother left to another country with a different man for a while which is why the proceedings were dragged.
The divorce is coming to an end now but unfortunately her father has had to hand over alot of money to her mother and they are left with very few savings, she has had to take a year out of uni to get a full time job in order to support herself and her father.
Now the issue is, i think obviously she has been traumatised by this whole experience and due to the lack of a mothers love but what she is doing is getting involved with terrible men and basically gives her body to anyone who is nice to her and then those men leave and she feels abdondent and lonely and rejected all over again.
I have tried to speak to her and support her but i just feel so frustrated at her situation and i want her to stop getting involved with these men who she thinks will make her feel wanted and loved but infact bring her spiralling further down.
that's a tough situation for her, feel for her since going by what you've written here, don't know how a mother can leave her child and live in another country. I guess we'll never know her reasons for doing that.
in terms of your friend, there's really nothing you can do to change how she sees herself and her body, it's something she has to realize herself. be there for her as a friend, you really can't reverse the 21 yrs of trauma that she's gone through on your own. i always feel like i'm not equipped to help someone like that b/c i haven't gone through the experiences she's had so i always recommend asking a counselor what you should do or how you should handle it.
err thats terrible.
the only thing u can do right now is talk or tell on her to her abba but then she wud feel another should is down who she can lean on to.Convince her somehow that its wrong. Turn her into a feminist.
her mother left because her mother was honestly and still isnt interested in her.
Sigh its sad, she openly talks about feeling lonely and just wanting some love from someone anyone and as much as she loves her father, her father is so busy dealing with work and his own emotions (hes also quite depressed) that they dont spend much time with eachother
Thats why she turns to men who are nice to her, but generally nice to her for one reason only :(
i can understand she must be so totally emotionally messed up right now and that's why she has such a low self esteem even if she's probably very pretty and intelligent. most people won't understand what she's going through though.
she should be with a man not b/c he likes her but b/c she genuinely likes him. she has major abandonment issues and a feeling of rejection since her mother just ups and leaves her.....
don't know why i'm asking this but is she desi?
she needs someone to guide her that's why she has you as her friend, does she have any other family, elders that she can turn to like a grandmother or aunt that will help her? do you think she would be open to see a school counselor, if you ask her to
or may be its ok in the value system she follows....
She does get sexually involved with them knowingly, but not because shes some slut with desperate needs because she wants to feel loved and wanted and she thinks every new man ' is different'
then they move on when she gets emotionally attched to them and the whole thing starts again.
i can understand she must be so totally emotionally messed up right now and that's why she has such a low self esteem even if she's probably very pretty and intelligent. most people won't understand what she's going through though.
she should be with a man not b/c he likes her but b/c she genuinely likes him. she has major abandonment issues and a feeling of rejection since her mother just ups and leaves her.....
don't know why i'm asking this but is she desi?
she needs someone to guide her in the right direction and that's why she has you as her friend, does she have any other family, elders that she can turn to like a grandmother or aunt that will help her?
she is a very pretty girl and she was doing a science course at uni.
yeah shes pakistani, her mum and dad are also fully pakistani.
no unfortunately her mums side of the family dont speak to her at all and her fathers parents arent alive anymore. Her aunts and uncles live in pakistan but she cant really afford to visit pakistan much and have a bond with them.
its just really sad. I chatted to her on the phone this morning, i love her shes so nice as a person :(
well.....it seems getting physically involved is ok by her values then.......what can you do about it???
because its unhealthy and she feels sh** afterwards and extremely depressed about what she does, then she prays for a few days and then does it again and then brands herself as a terrible person and terrible muslim.
She was seeing a counsellor in her area for a while, however she felt she couldnt trust the person she was speaking to....she obviously has trust issues too or maybe wasnt able to form a bond with that person.
being emotionally messed up, she's gotten into a cycle of being left, getting emotionally messed up some more, letting a man take advantage of her emotional state, being left again.......it's a pattern that can only be broken if she starts seeing a counselor that's trained in handling stuff like this.
whenever you have family eid functions or any special occasions at your home, invite her too so she'll be around people that are balanced and that will treat her with the respect she deserves.
Ohhh.. she needs to find someone she can properly confide in and who can help her deal with those issues.. sometimes ppl specifically need or want a desi or muslim counsellor or sometimes the opposite because they're scared they might be judged or might end up feeling more ashamed or embarrassed..
Poor girl, there can't be much worse than being rejected by your own mother :(
yea that judging others is what i hate especially if she does go to a desi counselor, i wish people would understand that some people don’t have that rosy perfect happily ever after life that they might have or have grown up with.
she needs a big and no judgment from other desi people that aren’t perfect themselves, we’re all human and flawed.
Exactly. Ask her to see the counselor. And tell her to focus on her education and her career. And if she is your good friend then probably tell your mom to be like a mother to her. And tell your mom to talk to her. She is only 21 yrs old yar!. Tell her to avail this opportunity to prove herself by stabilizing herself. She must have lot of potential that is why Allah has tested her this way.
oh men of GS, why do some men out there take advantage of a young woman that is emotionally down, especially just to use her? why? they were probably raised with atleast some values and were taught to respect all women so why judge her as something derogatory and see it as an opportunity to use her?
Exactly. Ask her to see the counselor. And tell her to focus on her education and her career. And if she is your good friend then probably tell your mom to be like a mother to her. And tell your mom to talk to her. She is only 21 yrs old yar!. Tell her to avail this opportunity to prove herself by stabilizing herself. She must have lot of potential that is why Allah has tested her this way.
I really like your advice xtron.
I think the fact she has had to take a year out education in order to work ( she works in a nursery looking after kids) to try and earn to support herself and help her father has really upset her, because the one thing she wanted to do is get educated and start living.
Like i mentioned earlier she didnt like her first counselling experience but i am encouraging her to seek help once again.
I think all the ladies in the circle of friends try and check up on her and support her but to talk about sex etc with her i dont think anyone has the guts or even knows!!
Im making this sound so hopeless :( but no situation is hopeless....
Your last sentence is very comforting about her being tested as she has the potential to succeed.
Well dear inspiron. As a guy, i have been through similiar situation as your friend is now when she is 21. My dad had heart problems and i had to drop out of university to support my family and small siblings by working odd jobs. Alhamdulli'lah now that everything after looong time gotten better. I am currently finishing my undergrad and i am 28 i should have been done long time ago!. Who cares, life has its up and downs!. Insha'allah your friend will live amazing life..just tell her to focus on her priorities. I.e, if she is working..she can one or two courses through online or part time. Atleast this will get her somehwere. To be honest with you, this is what I should have done but o well. I learnt a lot from my mistakes. Wish your friend all the best, because she is not the only one who is going through with this!
and no judgment from other desi people that aren’t perfect themselves, we’re all human and flawed.