I have a very good friend. We spend many evenings together. We chit chat , go for walks, go do workouts together. Socially we are at the same level. He comes to my home un announced anytime he wants. Any chance he would get to be in my company he would seize it. Many a times it gets inconvenient and annoying for me but I never showed any kind of annoyance or displeasure. I always welcome him with a smile. My wife treats him as a brother . He will ask my wife to make tea for him many a times ,while he is at my home. She is such an angel too , she never showed any kind of displeasure and never complained to me about his “chai key farmaish” or him coming over any time of the day or night. Yes, daytime too , because many a times me being an IT professional work from home. If he know I will be working from home. He will tell his boss that he will be working from home and he will come over. He is an IT professional too.
So he tells me that he sees me as a big brother and a very good friend, he is a little younger than I am. His wife know me very well I have no bad habits , I treat my wife with respect, my kids love me for being a loving caring father. I treat his kids ( he has three) with respect , I treat his wife with respect.
So far so good , right ?
Now the issue is with his wife. She does not like him spending too much time at my home and in my company. She has many a times shown her displeasure to him indirectly, he knows it, but he does not care. Not that he is not a good father or good husband. He is a very good father and husband too. She has told my wife many a times indirectly that she does not like him spending so much time at our house with me.
So the problems is with him not with me, right ?
Now the other day he told me that he and his wife were cleaning up their garage, there were some things he wanted to get rid of and she did not. Out of blue he said to her : “Aap yeh apnay jaheez main toh nahi lain theen” for those who do not understand I translate:" You did not bring this stuff as your dowry."
She shot back with this. “( My Name here) bhai key dosti aap kay lee-a achee nahi.” “( My name here) friendship is turning you into a bad man.”
He told me about this whole episode and he was pretty remorseful about what he said to her wife and what she said.
Now this was a blow to my self pride.
I agree that it is a pretty insulting remark for a wife, I will never say it to my wife. This friend’s wife knows that I am the kind of a guy who told my in laws when I was getting married that I will not accept anything from their side in the name of dowry. Alhumdulillah I had a well decorated home already when I got married. Therefore they understood and they were very pleased with this gesture of mine and we had a dowry free wedding.
Now what should I do ? Let it slide ? Tell him to cut back on his visits to our home ? I do not have stomach to do that. I do enjoy his company but as I said earlier sometimes I do get uncomfortable too when he comes over un announced at some odd moment. If he does not come over I will not miss on anything I have plenty on my roster to keep me occupied.
yeah take a break, not for your sake but for her wife sake.
Her wife is not too wrong, when guys spent too much time together their joke become little too direct(guys like), so if his wife see little change in his attitude she could be right.
That doesn't make you wrong.
BUT do take a break. or should I say give her a break.
tell him to cut back on his visits to your house..afterall, enough is enough! why would you put up with such stupid remarks if you havent dont anything.
well as a big brother to him i think u should explain to him that for atleast a lil time he should cut off spending time at ur place tell him he needs to give more time to his wife so that she doesnt feel upset abt it tell him in a way tht he thinks u r trying to patch things up between the two...i know it must be difficult.....but then u need ur private time too with ur family
I have a very good friend. We spend many evenings together. We chit chat , go for walks, go do workouts together. Socially we are at the same level. He comes to my home un announced anytime he wants. Any chance he would get to be in my company he would seize it. Many a times it gets inconvenient and annoying for me but I never showed any kind of annoyance or displeasure. I always welcome him with a smile. My wife treats him as a brother . He will ask my wife to make tea for him many a times ,while he is at my home. She is such an angel too , she never showed any kind of displeasure and never complained to me about his "chai key farmaish" or him coming over any time of the day or night. Yes, daytime too , because many a times me being an IT professional work from home. If he know I will be working from home. He will tell his boss that he will be working from home and he will come over. He is an IT professional too.
So he tells me that he sees me as a big brother and a very good friend, he is a little younger than I am. His wife know me very well I have no bad habits , I treat my wife with respect, my kids love me for being a loving caring father. I treat his kids ( he has three) with respect , I treat his wife with respect.
So far so good , right ?
Now the issue is with his wife. She does not like him spending too much time at my home and in my company. She has many a times shown her displeasure to him indirectly, he knows it, but he does not care. Not that he is not a good father or good husband. He is a very good father and husband too. She has told my wife many a times indirectly that she does not like him spending so much time at our house with me.
So the problems is with him not with me, right ?
Now the other day he told me that he and his wife were cleaning up their garage, there were some things he wanted to get rid of and she did not. Out of blue he said to her : "Aap yeh apnay jaheez main toh nahi lain theen" for those who do not understand I translate:" You did not bring this stuff as your dowry."
She shot back with this. "( My Name here) bhai key dosti aap kay lee-a achee nahi." "( My name here) friendship is turning you into a bad man."
He told me about this whole episode and he was pretty remorseful about what he said to her wife and what she said.
Now this was a blow to my self pride.
I agree that it is a pretty insulting remark for a wife, I will never say it to my wife. This friend's wife knows that I am the kind of a guy who told my in laws when I was getting married that I will not accept anything from their side in the name of dowry. Alhumdulillah I had a well decorated home already when I got married. Therefore they understood and they were very pleased with this gesture of mine and we had a dowry free wedding.
Now what should I do ? Let it slide ? Tell him to cut back on his visits to our home ? I do not have stomach to do that. I do enjoy his company but as I said earlier sometimes I do get uncomfortable too when he comes over un announced at some odd moment. If he does not come over I will not miss on anything I have plenty on my roster to keep me occupied.
Mirch Bhai Sahib you should not take sides in your friend's family argument, staying neutral in these matters is the best policy in the long run.
Plus on the other hand the friend should not be talking about trivial matters that do not concern you if he wants to maintain his friendship...he seemed to have crossed a line that you did not want him to cross......the ball is in your court!
yeah take a break, not for your sake but for her wife sake.
Her wife is not too wrong, when guys spent too much time together their joke become little too direct(guys like), so if his wife see little change in his attitude she could be right.
That doesn't make you wrong.
BUT do take a break. or should I say give her a break.
But how ? I do not have stomach to tell him off and my wife does not either. His wife is the one with the problem. So she should do something about it.
My angel like wife has very innocently told his wife that we never invited him over but he and she are more than welcome to come on over anytime they want . I have talked to my wife many a times about him coming over at odd moments , she agreed but she is my wife so she also never showed any kind of attitude or negativity.
We are like " mera dar khula hay khula hee rahay ga tumharay lee-a". We two are yaroon kay yar.
Mirch Bhai Sahib you should not take sides in your friend's family argument, staying neutral in these matters is the best policy in the long run.
Plus on the other hand the friend should not be talking about trivial matters that do not concern you if he wants to maintain his friendship...he seemed to have crossed a line that you did not want him to cross......the ball is in your court!
I am not taking sides. I know better. I will not talk to his wife about this incident either. Even my wife does not know about this incident. I surely am hurt and I do not know what to do in this situation.
If you have some vacation time coming up, maybe take a trip away so that it breaks the routine of his visits. That may help him find other ways to spend his time productively without you having to confront him about him or feel inhospitable.
If I were you I would start discussion with my friend about his relation with his wife.
Not exactly relation but the way she acted recently. I won't be direct but I will focus to make him realize the thinking pattern of his wife.
Depending on his reaction to the conversation i could touch more sensitive areas.
Remember he is a good friend(like a brother) he wont in million year think that your trying to brush him off. His understanding to the issue may surprise you.
I have tried that. Last time I took 3 weeks vacation and explored all the fun places of California. Ironically they too 4 weeks vacation and went to Pakistan about the same time. Long vacations are not easy to plan and mange and this is not such a big issue that I should plan a vacation around it . No.
But I would say you are smart cookie .
well as a big brother to him i think u should explain to him that for atleast a lil time he should cut off spending time at ur place tell him he needs to give more time to his wife so that she doesnt feel upset abt it tell him in a way tht he thinks u r trying to patch things up between the two...i know it must be difficult.....but then u need ur private time too with ur family
He does do give time to his kids and wife. He goes to work at 3 A. M in the morning and comes back home around 11 A. M . He has flexible schedule. then he spends 4 to 5 hours with the family. He is kind of a insomniac and does not need much sleep. I work from 8 am to 5 pm and I come back home around 5:15 pm by that time he has already spent quality time with his family . So he comes on over to our home.
Over the weekends too he spends a lot of quality time with the family. When his wife goes out with her friends then he will bring his kids to our home. His kids and my kids are of same age and they play together.
Too much time with anyone starts to get really annoying and problems arise. Cut your time together and once in a while have his wife come over too so she sees you are not a bad influence. Maybe she is just jealous of how well you both get along.
OK, Mirch bhai, what you need to do at this point is so take some Tums, and actually have a heart to heart conversation with him. Tell him that while you enjoy his company and his family is welcome to your home anythime, it is obviously creating misunderstandings with his wife. His homelife is more important and he needs to focus on that first. Maybe his wife is getting insecure about where his time is being spent. (some women sometimes get insecure over little issues :o). So maybe all she wants is reassurance that her family is priority and not yours!
Do it, otherwise it could get more complicated.
If he really takes you as a big brother, he will definitely understand your point of view.
He does do give time to his kids and wife. He goes to work at 3 A. M in the morning and comes back home around 11 A. M . He has flexible schedule. then he spends 4 to 5 hours with the family. He is kind of a insomniac and does not need much sleep. I work from 8 am to 5 pm and I come back home around 5:15 pm by that time he has already spent quality time with his family . So he comes on over to our home.
Over the weekends too he spends a lot of quality time with the family. When his wife goes out with her friends then he will bring his kids to our home. His kids and my kids are of same age and they play together.
ohooooo wot is this guyyyyyyy he is scaring me lol waisay i give credit to ur wife mai unki jaga hoti tau i wouldnt tolerate him around 24/7 i guess abhe tau am not married ....nyways maybe ur wife could tok to his wife abt it???
Too much time with anyone starts to get really annoying and problems arise. Cut your time together and once in a while have his wife come over too so she sees you are not a bad influence. Maybe she is just jealous of how well you both get along.
Well thats her right under the circumstances.
Friend souldn't be in race/competition condition with his wife.
I have tried that. Last time I took 3 weeks vacation and explored all the fun places of California. Ironically they too 4 weeks vacation and went to Pakistan about the same time.
Long vacations are not easy to plan and mange and this is not such a big issue that I should plan a vacation around it . No.
