My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Bobby1 i do agree, and i do understand my dad is a normal person who made a mistake…but he did in such a bad way to his wife and children that it has scarred us. thanks for your post, it helped.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@IsaidwhatIsaid

It is understandable why you would initially be uncomfortable and even despise your half siblings because they are the physical manifestation of your father’s infidelity. It is what it is.

This is my main problem, they are a real life visual which reminds me of everything everytime I see them. it is hard to separate them from the issue.
thanks so much for your comment, it really did help x

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@geoaurgenaydo yes i agree with all of that 100%. thanks so much. wish i could talk to my dad but as i mentioned, that 3 minute long convo at the dinner table last week was the first time we have spoken about this in 10 years…and prob for another 10 lol

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Iconoclast

Your dad does not need your forgiveness. Nor does his family. They don’t owe you a fricking apology, not even close.
You should be thankful to your dad for being there, for you as a father, and providing for you.

Your parents are humans, they are not on this earth to just to be your parents. They have a right to do what pleases them.

There are millions of people born to singe parents, without a wedlock, scores with divorced parents, and step siblings. You have internalized your moms issues.

1. i didn’t ask for an apology nor do i expect one. i respect my dad too much to cause that much drama, my point was his other daughter doesn’t seem to care. she does things like i described to constantly remind us all she is the victim.
2. i know they are human not just parents, thanks.
3. OBVIOUSLY i internalized her issues, because they have gone to create issues of my own!!! the whole point of this was not to be criticised, but rather find a solution to the problem which you just rubbed in my face.

bloody hell.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Reha i absolutly agree with you an extent - i had pushed the issue to the back of my mind for a few years - but drama like the one i went through a few months ago has brought it all back up. alhamdulliah, i managed to focus on myself a lot and have been successful with school and work but now its finding a way to handle these bubbling emotions - i think. but yes, i do agree, maturity needs to be all across the board here. thanks so much for your message.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@SaeedinPakistan i don’t agree.

1. it is 50/50. the other woman knew my dad was married when she met him. she dated him for money. he bought her a lot of things. now he buys her and his daughter a lot of things. she knew my mother has no clue and still agreed to sleep around with him, lie with him, have kids with him THEN admit it to the world.
2. it is not ‘somehow we are treated better’ it is a 100% UNCONDITIONAL thing we are treated ‘better’ as you say because my mother has been nothing but honest in all of this. she only thought of her kids in this whole thing. the few sentences above should give you an idea of the type of aurat my dad chose to have an affair with then go on to marry.
3. i dont know what you mean by ‘a lot more privileged’, because we knew nothing then boom have to deal with the conseqences? the other 2 kids were brought up like this. that was their mothers stupid choice.
4. and please pray tell, what indicates i cause drama??? am i not asking for advice on how to deal emotionally, and AVOID other peoples drama??!?!?!

this is the very reason i wrote a warning in the first sentence about silly posts…

and for heavens sake, she isn’t my step mother. my parents are not divorced. he cheated on mum then married the mistress.

[Beeba123]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Aqua and everyone else.

for context: my fathers other wife started of their relationship as an AFFAIR. my parents are not divorced, so she is not my step mother. she knew he was married and his wife had no idea this was happening nor is it in their marriage contract that he is to have as many wives as he wants etc and so on forth. she decided, as a grown adult, to have children in a broken home with an absent father because she wanted financial stability. she is now passing these fine qualities on to her daughter. every month its new designer bags, shoes, wallets whatever. what kind of woman willingly becomes the other woman, then causes a fuss when he labelled one??? of corse she isn’t part of the family, this was not an islamic marriage of any time. if they even are married, god knows, none of us have seen any proof.

my issues is not with the kids per say, its the behaviours of the daughter in particular and how she does drama (cries) to constantly remind us all she is a victim. my issue is how do i move on and ignore the BS? it is hard man.

some on you have been so helpful, thanks.

[Bobby1]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@SaeedinPakistan

Your dad is the only one at fault here. Not your step mom, not your step siblings. Not only has he wronged you and your mother he has done worse to his other family. You seem like you got the better end of the deal to be honest. Your mother has the family’s approval and respect. Your dad spends most of his time with y’all. On the other hand, your step siblings get him for one day a week. The best advice I can give is to look at things from your step sister’s perspective. He’s just as much her dad as he is yours but somehow you and your mom are treated better, with more respect than her and her mom. From her perspective you are the chalak one. She didn’t ask to be brought into this world. Your dad made that happen. No one forced him to have an affair, no one forced him to have not one but two kids. He knew what he was doing. Your mother found out about the situation and stayed with him despite it. She made that decision. I realize your life isn’t ideal but there are people who have it worse (like your step siblings)

As for your (step) sister acting out. She’s probably going through a phase (like you did when you were in high school). She is probably beginning to realize how unfair this whole arrangement is and she doesn’t know how to make sense of it all. You are having trouble making sense of the situation despite being three years older and a lot more privileged so imagine what it must be like for her. Cut her some slack. You don’t have to be nice to her but don’t cause drama either.

I think the step mom has a major blame to take as she had an affair with a married man who had children, step children should confront their mother about her morals. The other issue is the misogynist patriarchal culture which allows women to be treated in this way. If OP would be open to diverting her energies towards speaking about inequalities and women’s rights then that would be a great thing. I also dont agree with parents being respected regardless of being cheats and liars. I never demand my kids and wife to respect me, one should be deserving of respect. The reason they dont think twice before engaging in bad behavior is that society mandates children and wife respect them even if they are not deserving.

[Reha]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Beeba123

@Reha i absolutly agree with you an extent - i had pushed the issue to the back of my mind for a few years - but drama like the one i went through a few months ago has brought it all back up. alhamdulliah, i managed to focus on myself a lot and have been successful with school and work but now its finding a way to handle these bubbling emotions - i think. but yes, i do agree, maturity needs to be all across the board here. thanks so much for your message.

Yes. But I think my point behind the post which I was not able to convey clearly is…I don’t think its your responsibility to involve her or be her big sister. You and she come from two different households who happen to have the same father. You can be tolerant but I don’t think its fair to expect you to be nice to her. Your father’s second wife is his responsibility, not yours or your mother’s. He has every right to have as many wives as he wants but he is not to force any of his wives or kids to mingle or accept each other. It is his job to make them comfortable, not yours. This is why all wives have a right to separate quarters. I’d try very hard to just avoid interaction (although I understand its unavoidable at times)…relationships like these rarely get to the “and they lived happily ever after” stage.

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Beeba123

@SaeedinPakistan i don’t agree.
**

1. it is 50/50. the other woman knew my dad was married when she met him. she dated him for money. he bought her a lot of things. now he buys her and his daughter a lot of things. she knew my mother has no clue and still agreed to sleep around with him, lie with him, have kids with him THEN admit it to the world.

**The other woman is has\had no responsibility towards you. She wasn’t married so she wasn’t cheating on anyone. He married her and had kids with her.

He could have not had the affair. He could have taken measures to avoid having kids with her even if he did have the affair.

If I found out that my spouse was cheating on me with a stranger I wouldn’t blame the stranger. The stranger doesn’t owe me any sort of loyalty.

**
2. it is not ‘somehow we are treated better’ it is a 100% UNCONDITIONAL thing we are treated ‘better’ as you say because my mother has been nothing but honest in all of this. she only thought of her kids in this whole thing. the few sentences above should give you an idea of the type of aurat my dad chose to have an affair with then go on to marry.

**You are treated better. Your mom has all the respect. Your extended family interacts with your mom not hers. Like you said, no one in the extended family wants anything to do with her. As for your mother being “honest” in the whole thing. I’m sure little sis thinks the same way about her mom. Her daddy liked her mommy, then they had her and her brother. Her family doesn’t get to see daddy much but mommy makes it work for the sake of her kids.

**
3. i dont know what you mean by ‘a lot more privileged’, because we knew nothing then boom have to deal with the conseqences? the other 2 kids were brought up like this. that was their mothers stupid choice.

**Not knowing about their existence is privilege also. You got to enjoy your childhood days, your innocence stayed intact for longer. Compare this to your sister knowing their daddy lives with another woman who is not her mom. Daddy has other kids who spends most of his time with, probably because he loves them more. Imagine how insecure she must have felt growing up.

Your privilege is your dad’s side of the family interacting with your mom but ignoring your sister’s mum altogether.

**4. and please pray tell, what indicates i cause drama??? am i not asking for advice on how to deal emotionally, and AVOID other peoples drama??!?!?!

“**I told him of a time the daughter emotionally blackmailed some of my cousins to her house to meet her mum. Now, like I said, we don’t do this in our house. This marriage was the result of an affair. It isn’t really accepted. And my cousins were very uncomfortable and they told me about it. **”
**
This is what I call drama. “We don’t do this here”. What is this supposed to mean? You don’t invite cousins to your home. That’s all she did. Or am I missing something. I’d say your dad should be have a talk with his family to make sure they treat both his wives with equal respect. “This marriage was the result of an affair” It doesn’t matter how the marriage happened, it happened. She is his wife, the mother of her kids and she deserves just as much respect as your mother. Your dad should not have married and had kids with the woman if he didn’t have the balls to treat both his wives equally.

“It isn’t really accepted” I don’t really get this part either. This reeks of drama.

**this is the very reason i wrote a warning in the first sentence about silly posts…:disgust:

**Being silly is not the purpose of this post. The purpose of this post is to encourage you try and see things from your sister’s perspective. See why she’s doing what she is doing. Wanting to hang out with your cousins doesn’t sound sinister or chalak. Having your cousins at your place is not chalak either. I think these kinda conflicts happen for full siblings as well, younger sibling being left out. However, with a single set of parents where all kids are loved equally parents resolve these kinds of issues for the kids. In your case, its your dad’s responsibility to handle these kinds of issues. And he is failing to do that.

Having some empathy for your sister will help you deal with her better. It will make you less mad when she does something that seems wrong. Your definition of what’s wrong will change. Have some empathy not for her sake but for your own.
**
and for heavens sake, she isn’t my step mother. my parents are not divorced. he cheated on mum then married the mistress.
**Step mother, mistress, your dad’s baby mama. You can call her whatever you want to call her. I’m not going to argue about titles.

My comments are in the quote.

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Bobby1

I think the step mom has a major blame to take as she had an affair with a married man who had children, step children should confront their mother about her morals. The other issue is the misogynist patriarchal culture which allows women to be treated in this way. If OP would be open to diverting her energies towards speaking about inequalities and women’s rights then that would be a great thing. I also dont agree with parents being respected regardless of being cheats and liars. I never demand my kids and wife to respect me, one should be deserving of respect. The reason they dont think twice before engaging in bad behavior is that society mandates children and wife respect them even if they are not deserving.

The other woman had no obligation towards OPs mother. On the other hand, the OP’s dad was in a committed relationship with OP’s mom. He should have consulted OP’s mom before bringing in another woman into their life.

[aqua70]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Beeba123

@Aqua and everyone else.

for context: my fathers other wife started of their relationship as an AFFAIR. my parents are not divorced, so she is not my step mother. she knew he was married and his wife had no idea this was happening nor is it in their marriage contract that he is to have as many wives as he wants etc and so on forth. she decided, as a grown adult, to have children in a broken home with an absent father because she wanted financial stability. she is now passing these fine qualities on to her daughter. every month its new designer bags, shoes, wallets whatever. what kind of woman willingly becomes the other woman, then causes a fuss when he labelled one??? of corse she isn’t part of the family, this was not an islamic marriage of any time. if they even are married, god knows, none of us have seen any proof.

my issues is not with the kids per say, its the behaviours of the daughter in particular and how she does drama (cries) to constantly remind us all she is a victim. my issue is how do i move on and ignore the BS? it is hard man.

some on you have been so helpful, thanks.

I am sure it is hard but fact of the matter is, according to your circumstances, you can not move away from it so next best solution is to finally accept that it is reality and letting it bother you is not going to change anything. As far as the step sister wanting things goes, I hate to point this out but as his biological daughter, it is her right to ask. If he was neglecting you while showering her with attention and gifts then I would understand why you are upset. Understand that you are only harming yourself by letting this get to you. I do not expect you to see it from a neutral party’s point of view because it is quite impossible to you from where you are standing (understandably so) but know that there is no other quick solution to move on. Either you can accept it or move out so you have no contact with them since telling your father that you don’t want any part of it is not helping anything.

[Reha]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

Having an affair out of wedlock is infidelity. The responsible party is not the married party, it would be both people involved in the affair. People saying the other woman is not to blame are forgetting the marriage started out as a sin…so yeah…she is definitely to blame for having an affair with a committed and married man.

[IsaidwhatIsaid]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Beeba123

This is my main problem, they are a real life visual which reminds me of everything everytime I see them. it is hard to separate them from the issue.
thanks so much for your comment, it really did help x

No problem. Honestly, it annoys me when people advise people who are in tumultuous family situations to immerse themselves in that mess. You do not have to like your father because him and his side ho are the reasons why your half siblings are suffering and your mom has been silently tolerating the bull**** for all these years while being his wife. I know you are in a desi household so you will have to physically be there, but you do not have to mentally be there for the bull****. Remember, you do not owe anyone **** and should start building your life soon. Take care sis.

[Xaos]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@SaeedinPakistan @Iconoclast You echoed just what I wanted to say albeit in better words.
@Reha and others calling this cheating and infidelity,if you look at this from a western perspective then you might call it cheating but going by the Islamic rulings there is nothing wrong with a married man marrying another woman.

[Bobby1]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Xaos

@SaeedinPakistan @Iconoclast You echoed just what I wanted to say albeit in better words.
@Reha and others calling this cheating and infidelity,if you look at this from a western perspective then you might call it cheating but going by the Islamic rulings there is nothing wrong with a married man marrying another woman.

As per islam she would have been stoned for Zina first so there would be nothing else to deal with.

[Bobby1]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@SaeedinPakistan

The other woman had no obligation towards OPs mother. On the other hand, the OP’s dad was in a committed relationship with OP’s mom. He should have consulted OP’s mom before bringing in another woman into their life.

We are humans and societies are based on a set of accepted morals and values and if you chose to live in that society and be respected then you have to somewhat subscribe to those morals. Whoring and whoremongering are not kind of cherished behaviors. I had some very wealthy friends and I have seen some good solid ensnaring. I work with a lot of females here and most get hit on a lot and anyone married hitting on them gets an earful.

[third_string]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@Bobby1

As per islam she would have been stoned for Zina first so there would be nothing else to deal with.

Lol you don’t know anything about Islam. You only get stoned for adultery which is what the husband would’ve done, you don’t get stoned for fornicating. Also zina is an an unenforceable law in Islam cause it’s almost impossible to prove.

[Bobby1]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

@third_string

Lol you don’t know anything about Islam. You only get stoned for adultery which is what the husband would’ve done, you don’t get stoned for fornicating. Also zina is an an unenforceable law in Islam cause it’s almost impossible to prove.

“The woman and the man guilty of fornication/adultery,- flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.”
— Qur’an, Sura 24 (An-Nur), ayat 2[SUP][11]](Zina - Wikipedia)[/SUP]

[geoaurgenaydo]

Re: My dads secret other marriage and years of fighting with it

Personally , I have never seen anything good coming out of more than one marriage. This post is just one example. We can see how much pain this has brought to everyone especially the kids. I have only seen problems, hurt and pain in households where there are more then one wives… even in Arab culture where it’s more readily accepted, I have seen wives being jealous of each other and fighting over the man and his money… that’s why I don’t understand this Islamic ruling of allowing men to have more than one wife…