Muzna now u are twisting my words...
Like I said very first I can`t cook Pakistani food yet, I didn't say I dont want to learn, or did I?
And I didn't say i dont clean the house if its needed, the point was in our home, my moms house, we have our own habits and how we have raised, like everyone cleans their own room, and then everyone has to do dishes, clean toilets etc, so why does she matter how much and what I clean in my moms house? She cant say thats wrong way to do. And what comes to my step moms and dads house, Im there like max 1 night in week, and usually we are in day in my aunts place, so basically I just sleep there and of course i clean if my dad asks to, and again I didn't say that I dont clean.
And u just dont understand. Maybe she is not getting her way in that rule, but do u really think that its fun to me that every time I see my dad and he asks what I have done or what I do today and I say Im gonna see a friend etc. and then my step mom looks me so badly and says to my dad that she thinks I have to go home. U dont understand how just her look feels, like im going to rob a bank or something. I know that im really sensitive person, and thats why what u wrote especially Ur last sentence If you are the eldest and this is the example that you are setting then the younger two have much more to worry about then how step-mom is going to behave with them...... made me really feel so bad and sad that u have not even have an idea. And I can see that u didn't even bother to read my posts with thought and u are stranger so I dont know why I mind what u wrote, but thats me and thats my problem. And can u just tell me what all i do wrong? Because I got that in ur writing that for ur opinion I do everything wrong.
I am not twisting your words. You haven't said anything that can be twisted.
Let me see if I understand your situation:
you grew up in a certain way for 15+ years with your swedish mom and pakistani dad.
for whatever reasons they split and you plus two younger kids live with your mom.
when you are in your step-mom's presence, she interferes negatively on your activities and makes her displeasure at the way you were raised very clear to all.
you have not been brought up in the same way that she has or would prefer to raise her kids.
you fear that her abilitiy to influence your father negatively will/has impact/ed your relationship with your father.
you are finding the adjustment in the family difficult.
you are feeling isolated because you don't want to cause problems between the newlyweds by bringing this up to them nor do you want to bring it up to your own mother as this will cause ill feelings between her and her ex-inlaws.
you just want things to be as close to the same way they used to be.
you don't have any ill feelings towards your step-mom but don't want her to "rock the boat".
let me know what I have misunderstood and then I will go on.
Okey u sort of understand, I just said that u exacerbate my words. And u didnt answer my question: can u just tell me what all i do wrong? Because I got that in ur writing that for ur opinion I do everything wrong. And why u are so mean to me?
Okey u sort of understand, I just said that u exacerbate my words. And u didnt answer my question: can u just tell me what all i do wrong? Because I got that in ur writing that for ur opinion I do everything wrong. And why u are so mean to me?
I am not being mean. I'm just being truthful, honest and blunt. Sorry that it's making you feel bad. Reality can be harsh.
And just because I am telling you to do stuff doesn't mean that I think you are doing everything wrong. I am giving you advice that you can actually follow. I am not telling you to throw yourself at the mercy of others. I am suggesting things that you can control.
ONLY YOU can decide to reach out and build a bridge with your step-mom so that she sees that you are willing to learn to do things her way. If you rely on your father or your step mom to fix things then you will forever be waiting and hoping. If you take the initiative then you will feel more empowered because you will be in control.
ONLY YOU can change your attitude and make things easier on yourself. Instead of seeing things from a victim's point of view, try to see it as an opportunity to ensure that the new family structure is built on a really strong, positive foundation. Be the change that you want to see happen. May sound like a cliche but it will work.
ONLY YOU can improve the situation for all involved since you are the common factor.
The way I look at things, if I am unhappy then the primary person and often the ONLY person that can change that in a hurry is ME.
Muzna is right Girlieee. only u can intitiate and try to build better relation between ur new mom,urself and ur siblings. Negativity is the main thing that destroys relations. running to dad or ur mom for help won't change ur relation with ur stepmom. and like any relation blended families too hav to work together. relations don't just happen we hav to make them work. there must be some negativity coming out of ur personality that ur stepmom is getting more n more against u. so she interferes in everything u say or do. once u get on a smooth ride, these comments will go away.
for kids who live in two different homes at same time the best bet is u follow ur mom's rules at mom's place and dad's(or his wife in this case) rules at their place. don't confuse between two places. and don't try to impose ur mom's discipline in ur dad's house.respect their rules too. if u r visiting ur dad avoid going to friends or doing things ur step mom disapproves of. keep those activities for mom's place only. remember shes not ur real mom so she won't be able to tolerate ur mistakes or childlike habits the way ur mom will.
If you guys have come across an insecure/jealous person, particularly if its the ‘other’ wife, you will realize that they are not the type that care too much about bonding, or accepting the other family. Their mind is fixed on one thing - to separate the hubby from his previous family.
Note: Its a classic mentality of the insecure wife, and no amount of cleaning/cooking/slavery stops them from criticizing/hurting/abusing just for the sake of it…because at the end of the day, she doesn’t want them there. If she had an open mind, you would not see this type of behaviour in her.
Girliee seems somewhat vulnerable and hence an easy prey…why do you think her step mum behaves that way when she is mostly alone? Its not too hard to understand.
In order not to ruin her self esteem (and her relationship), i would advise her to get her dad on board, even if its to lay the down the law to both, because the longer she leaves it, the more resentment will build up, and maybe not now, but eventually, it will either separate the kids from their dad (which is already starting to happen) or it will all come out head on…and that will definitely not be a good sight.
and who says talking won’t separate her from her dad in the long run. what if after several fights dad picks peace of mind and prefer new wife over kids?
She is just picking on the things about you that she can pick on - she is probably feeling pretty inadequate in Sweden - I bet she doesn't speak much Swedish and it is probably a struggle for her to do many ordinary things there just yet - things like go and hang out with friends (even old stepmothers need friends!) It is not the best way for her to cope, but that may be the only way she can come up with. She is probably intimidated by your ease in Sweden, so she wants to point out your deficiencies where she can, to put you down in order to raise herself up.
I don't understand why it is such a big deal - I mean,, you're 20 years old and you work and are not a juvenile delinquent. You are carrying you own weight, and if your mother is satisfied with your contributions to the household chores (is she??), then who is anybody to say otherwise? Sheesh: you're Swedish, not Pakistani, even if you are half Pakistani, you were raised in Sweden.
