My dads new wife...help.

Lifestyle Relationships
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My mom and dad got divorced 4 years ago and now my dad got married again some months ago. My mom is Swedish and dad Pakistani and his new wife is Pakistani. My mom and dad are still like good friends, and talk each other and dad see us and takes care us children of course. I have tried to like his new wife so much and get along with her but really thats impossible :frowning:

She thinks that when all children are over 10 years old that man should not anymore buy things for them or see them so often. She also try to tell to my dad how I should live my life and what i do wrong etc. Im now 20 and she thinks that I should be already married…my dad has talked about marriage but he said like after 3-5 years. My dad is not that strict dad, like I can hang with my friends, go to movies, and decide what i want to study etc. but this woman thinks that I should be home after school and not see my friends, so she tries all the time mix my dads thoughts too. She always has something bad to say about me like I can`t cook Pakistani food yet, so she always laughs that im already 19 and i cant cook and im stupid etc. And she thinks that i should do alone all housework. And what is even worse, she talks bad about my mom when im listening and my dad is not and that is really insulting.

She always also “looks down on me” like im bad person, and she always says if i eat like ice-cream that u shouldnt eat that etc and now im use to that that i dont eat like anything when she is in same table because it makes me feel so bad and unsure about myself when she says comments like that. If i like something, she doesn’t like and if i give my dad some advice she says that is wrong, but im glad that my dad still listens to me and not her but i dont know how long that will last.
And now im working part time, and she said to my dad that i dont need all money what i get for salary, that i should give to them 2/3 from my salary, my dad said that no i can keep my own salary because i have earned it. But im really scared that what if that woman somehow gets my dad think similarly than she is..i dont know what i do then if i cant go to see my friends and have to marry.. She is also like 10 years younger than my dad so im afraid that she wants children because she doesn't have own, so I really hope that then she doesn't want my dad to forget my younger brother and sister who are under 15. I havent said anything to my dad because i love him and i dont want him to hate me. And i think if i say something he would think that i dont like her because she is his new wife, but really thats not true, because my mom and dad have divorced 4 years ago and im fine with that. And i wanted my dad to get re-married because he was all alone and its better to him to someone live with him.

My dad called us before like every day, now he calls like twice a week, because that woman thinks that is stupid to call us because we live in same city and we all so “old”. She also hates that my dads siblings are still talking to my mom, they call to her often and ask help if they need help concern about children (my mom is kindergarten teacher) and that woman thinks they should call her and not to my mom. And she also hates that they invite my mom all family party’s, but really my mom and dad were married 22 years so and my uncles and aunts have known her that time so of course they are close. And my dad doesn’t mind if my mom comes and really my mom comes only then when is somebody’s birthday or wedding.
When she moved here i first liked her, but then i got to know her better and i dont like her or her personality. Her personality is so different than mine. And its getting worse all the time. Now She is been here just couple months, and its already this bad so i always think what happens after years.

I dont know anymore what to do, i really have cried some much because that woman, and i cant think anymore anything else :frowning: And I dont want to see my dad so often anymore because that woman is there, and almost always when i have been with her she has said something insulting and i have cried in night. She is destroying our family. I cant and i don`t want to talk with my mom or my dad, what should i do? Help please.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

well keeping shush isn't going to resolve anything. You'll have to talk to your parents and address these concerns you have.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

i think you should talk to your dad about all your issues/concerns

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Wow! This reminds me of one of those Star Plus dramas! Which I really hate btw!

Actually, I read through your story and must say at the age of 19/20 you sound really mature for your age. You seem to be really grown up and clever to be able to bear with everything your growing.

Sadly, your mother and father are no longer together and having a step mom is a big change in your life. Its sad that your step mother treats you and your dad in this way. From her behaviour it seems she does not treat you very well and seems very cunning! You made the right decision in staying quiet and not causing too many arguments with your dad over your new mother.

At the end of the day, you have to be strong and grown up in this environment. When you have time, take your dad out with you (just u 2!) so you can chat to him about ur problems (not related to your step mom! but about the rest of your life..) tell him all the things you want to do. Make him proud of you. The less you talk about his new wife the better it will be for you.

I wish you all the best.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Call your step-mom. Tell her that you need to talk to your dad, to set up a lunch date or something. If she says something like "you're so old, you don't need to see your dad anymore"- record it.

Honestly, it seems like this new wife is a lot different from your dad. I wouldn't be surprised if they have problems. I'm sure your extended family will sense it too, if they haven't already.

In regards to your dad having more kids and forgetting about your younger siblings... it is very possible that this new wife will want to have kids of her own. But I don't think your dad will simply forget you or your siblings. A baby will demand more attention. I'm sure if there's a problem, your dad will be there for you guys.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

i would think the new wife would want to blend in with your dad's family since everybody seems to be so social and trying to get along with her.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

It looks that you live with your real mom and I dont think that your step mom can have (or should have) any say in your life. That is between your mom and your dad.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Thank you for replays, especially McLovin :)
I live with my mom, and i think that too that she has no right to decide anything about my life, but she seems to think other way.. I really dont want to talk with my dad about this, because i know that would cause a lot of problems between us, because he might think that if i dont like his wife i dont want to see him either. Im dads girl, always have been, so he is really important for me and thats why this is really hard to me. Im that kind a person that i want to see all my family members and close friends happy, so i know if i talk about this with my dad, that might mean that he have to choose between us and his wife and that would make him really sad, and i dont want that. It feels like im dead-end and i dont know what to do or with who to talk with without making anyone mad or sad:( Its really hard to think how different our lives were just half year ago, and how different it would be if my dads wife would be nice, friendly and honest. Im so happy that she hasn't said anything bad to my younger brother or sister, if she does say I dont know can i be quiet then. I talked with one of my good friends about this situation and she said that it sound like that woman is jealous to me, that i can decide myself about my life and i dont have to spend all time in home, like maybe she had stricter childhood in Pakistan, but really what can i do about that, and thats not my fault. I hate that feeling what she makes me feel that im bad person and i make everything wrong. My friend said also that she sounds twisted and she wants to mix things in our family, and decide everything in our family, maybe she is right. I think i try to spend some time alone with my dad and maybe my siblings without her, but that is going to be hard because she seems to be always coming everywhere. This feels so good write here, its like diary where i get different opinions, and that gives little hope so thank you : )

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

While there are two sides to a story, based upon what you've shared, it seems that your dad's wife feels very insecure/threatened about her position in the family. And I think that receiving some reassurance from your dad, may to an extent, quell her fears.

I'm curious about where your stepmother grew up...cuz her views seem ultra-conservative and well, almost paindu'ish to me. There seems to be a difference in both her and your dad's mentalities....that I'm kind of surprised that they're even together.

It's good that your dad, so far, hasn't been "influenced" by her notions. I think you need to understand that it was easier for your dad to talk to you everyday when he was single. And now that he has the responsibility of a wife (and taking care of her needs, etc)....it's reasonable to see a decline in the frequency of the phone calls. And the level of responsibility will increase if your dad and this woman have children in the future. And I know that this is easier said than done....but keeping these responsibilities in mind....try to develop some flexibility regarding your dad's management of time both now and in the future. I will add that, in no way, am I trying to justify that your father ignore you altogether.

It could be that your stepmother herself was married young and therefore believes that it's high time you got married as well. Or perhaps in her family, girls are married at an earlier age and into handling the domestic chores.....and that can account for her views. Or maybe (and I'm hoping this isn't the case) she thinks that getting you married off......will mean that you won't be dependent upon your dad as much....thus (in her mind) securing her position in your dad's life. She has absolutely no business telling you how your salary should be managed. And I get the feeling she was born and brought up in Pakistan.

As mentioned by others, I really think that you need to discuss your fears/issues with both your mom and dad. You said that they're still friends....which makes it easier to discuss your problems. It's not healthy for you to keep this to yourself. I think your dad should know....because he can then figure out how to approach the matter with his new wife (reassuring her, talking to her, setting boundaries, etc). Staying quiet (IMO) is not going to help. Your parents are not mind readers..........and this woman needs to be made aware of limits/boundaries regarding your father and his children.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Girlie,

I understand that you're afraid of discussing things with your dad....because you fear that he'll think you hate his new wife. BUT.....do you really think your dad would be happy about you feeling stressed all the time? Do you think that he'd want you to keep your problems to yourself? No parent would want that.

I think it REALLY depends upon what words you use when you talk to your dad. For example, if you start the discussion by whining and complaining about this woman......that won't be as effective. And your dad might wonder if you're feeling defensive about his wife.

*******BUT.....if you start the discussion by telling your dad that you have nothing against his wife......that you don't hate her........that you're glad that he remarried.........and that you understand his need for companionship and would never prevent him from it..............your dad will be more OPEN to listening to your concerns because this will make you sound more mature. When you start the discussion in a positive manner.......it will make it more easier for you to talk about the problems later on...and it makes the listener (in this case your dad) more receptive.

So, think about it.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Try to go independent , both emotionally and financially . Either you like it or not , but sooner or later , your dad will get too busy with his new life .

Yup life is not fair .

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

This is quite sad to be honest, its like the typical evil step mother and her insecurities. Don't bother too much with her, they're quite common and no matter how much you do, she is not likely to change or accept the other family...hence doing her utmost to push you guys away.

You on the other hand need to deal with this, if you feel you cant speak to your dad directly, then speak to your mum about it, and tell her everything you said here. The least she can do is support you and help you deal with it, but the most she can do is speak to your dad about it and make him aware of your step mums behaviour and how its affecting you. In the end, your dad will have to find out in order to resolve this. And don't worry, if he is the doting dad, it wont be a case of choosing between the two... He probably just isn't too aware of what is going on.

Thirdly, if all else fails, next time she interferes and makes an issue of something, just tell her up straight, its between you and your parents, and no one else. End of.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

yes of course you should help to your new mom because your mom is related with your dad and now its your responsibility to help her

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

I will say what Namaan said. Be strong and be independent financially and Emotionally. You have to be all this one day, so why not from today? I started working when I were 21 and not coz I needed the money or parents pushed me to do job but I myself wanted to stand on my own feet and be independent. Today, after 7.5yrs, I am at stage where I am helping others.

You are just in growing stage and you will learn alot alot and alot in coming years. Dont be afraid, you are lucky that you are not all alone, you are with your own mom and you get to see your dad once in a while. I know of a person who has not seen his only baby daughter in 4 yrs coz his EX doesnt allow it.

You can make your life better by not giving much ears to what step mom says. I hope she will be fine with time when see that you guys are not harming her position in any way. She is insecure rite now and any woman in her shoes would be. Give it sometime, be patient and inshAllah things will be better for you very soon :)

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

I think you should talk about this with your mom and dad....and explain it to them in the same way you have explained it to us :) i think you have explained it so well and if you explain it the same way with your dad he will understand you....he wont think that you're against his new wife....because the way you have explained to us about her....you dont seem to be against her at all....in fact it's very nice of you to talk about her so nicely even though she is being so horrible to you.....talk to your parents about it and they will definately help you.....your dad wont feel your against his new wife....trust me just say it the way you have said it to us....

ps.. you seem like a very nice and mature girl for your age :) any problem is halved by sharing it and especially with parents....im sure your parents will be so happy that you shared it with them.....please dont keep quiet about it otherwise she will get much worse than she is now....ive seen women like her before too....and its better to sort them out from the beginning and show them their limits because otherwise she'll get much worse.

so plz share it with ur parents and dont suffer alone. good luck:)

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

^ lol don't listen to her!!

Talk to your dad first. Take McLovin advice. Talk to dad alone - and if needs to - Talk to mom alone.

If you talk to them both together - I can tell your from my eon and eon of life experience, you will end up being a bad person.

Just talk to dad jee in private. Be ready with what you want to say, how you want to say (have clear in your minds the points you want to make. You should know # of points you are making).

sorry no offence Litte Fairy

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Since you live with your biological mom you do not have to give any weight to what your step mom says and thinks and tells your dad.
Live your life and be happy and thank Allah that your read mom is there for you.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Your dad's wife will only get in the middle of you and your father if you let her.

I like what McLovin had to say...listen to him.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

all i see in ur post is lots of negativity and childlike thinking. u hav to accept the fact that now ur dad's life is changed. just as u r sharing him with her she's also sharing him with u and ur siblings. u must be very selfish to think that she shouldn't hav kids so u kids r not ignored. its certainly not ur place to say or want such things for ur step mom. she hs a personal life too just as u hav one. and whats with calling her "that woman" whole time. thats quite disrespectful. all the things u said i hav a feel they r over rated. u just go to ur dad's place ocassionally as u said u live with ur mom. so y would she ask u to do all her housework. if she serve u food y would she later object ur eating it. u work part time. how much u could be earning part time at age 19-20 that she wants 2/3 of ur earning. and when u r not living with them then y she wants ur share? if ur dad's calls r reduced how do u know she's saying all this to ur dad. or u think its her who is saying all this. most women hav this much sense that they don't say everything against their husband's family infront of the family. they mostly say things behind doors. is ur step mom so stupid that she's saying everything in open or u r taking her friendly advice as negative. are ur other siblings equally unhappy? and i think its really not fair for ur dad n his family to keep inviting ur mom to parties. once a couple is divorced they are haram for each other. they can't stay as friends. of course this kinda friendship can giv insecurity to any woman.

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Re: My dads new wife...help.

Well I admit im young and I dont have a lot life experience and i think little bit childiss, but really why shouldnt i talk disrespectful about her to strangers, when she talks disrespectful towards me front of my friends and family? And thats the thing, she always says that I should clean in my moms house and week-ends in my dads house when im there. She always says that my mom isnt raising us girls well, because she thinks we cant cook anything or clean. And she always says that I dont do anything, like how does she know, because I dont live with her? So thats so strange, and I earn little over 1400 pounds(GBP), because I work part-time in week-days and full time in week-ends, and she said that I shouldnt spend that money all to my self (im not spending money, im saving over 900 pounds in month for future like my dad and mom suggested, and I pay my own bills) that my dad has raised me so i should give to THEM 2/3 of my salary, and I have been working and paying my bills at age 16 and of course I give **to my dad** money if he need or ask, but he would never take money from me, even if** I insist**, because my dad is typical man that he wants to provide his family and he said himself that he would feel so small if he have to ask money from his children, and that was hard thing for him when i wanted to pay my own bills.
And my step mom always speaks those things front of everyone, and I dont think its friendly advice if she laughs and make fun of me? And that thing when she said that she thinks that "man shouldnt see so often his kids after kids are over 10 and he shouldnt buy them anything if he is divorced", she said that in my aunts place to my aunt, when there was in same room me, my 11 year old little brother, and our cousins, so I dont know is she stupid or does she really want upset us. And I havent said that I dont want them to have children, I just hope that she wont ask my dad then choose between them and us.
My little brother doesn't want to go week-ends in my dads place, he hasn't say that is she the reason. My little sister and brother doesn't understand completely or speak completely Urdu, so if she says something bad to them, they dont understand all and im glad about that.
And what comes to my moms and dads friendship, I meant that they are good friends, like they can talk without fighting things which are concern about us children, like they dont go out together or anything and they see only then when we are around. And I think its really good thing to have both mom, and dad, who are not fighting and can come both same time to graduation party etc. And My aunt and uncles are known my mom 22 years like I said and they are friends, and my mom doesnt come parties unless they are big thing, like when my aunt got her first child and our granny passed away few years ago, so she didn't had mom to support and giving her advices, so of course my mom was closest to her, she was 7 years old when my mom and dad got married. And I dont even want my mom and dad get married again, so thats not the point, because when they were married they argued alot and thats why they divorced, and i know either of them doesnt think anything else that friendship. And like I said I wanted to my dad get re-married, because he lived in weekdays alone, and i thought i would be safer to him also to someone live with him.
Thanks for replays, and advices:) I dont know yet what to do...and i have now so much work and studies, thats good because I dont have time to think about this situation and I dont want to do anything what i will regret so time is friend now.