My dads new wife...help.

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: My dads new wife…help.

do you have a problem in reading what I said OR understanding it ?!!

when did I say talk to the parents TOGETHER??? I said talk to them both but i didnt say together…thats her choice.

I think you have a problem understanding English!!!

I suggest you dont take PrinceMS’s advice…cuz he doesnt know what he’s talking about…he is just stating the obvious…of course you are going to be ready with what you have to say and how you want to say it…you dont need PrinceMS to tell you that :D…im surprised he didnt tell you how to actually take the words out of your mouth :smiley:

Grow up PrinceMS!! OR improve your English before you starting making any suggestions.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

i’m really sorry Girlieee for what u r going through. going through parental divorce after staying together for so long can’t be easy for anyone. after reading ur second post maybe ur stepmom is quite irrational and keep grudge against u kids. but being disrespectful in return and starting a war won’t do anything good. also if u talk to ur dad he would def question her and she would become even more spiteful n revengeful. So best thing for u is just to be patient and ignore her silly ccomments. when u go to dad’s place just stick around with dad. don’t stay alone with her. try to plan something out ahead of time so u ppl get to go out with dad like for shopping, movies, walks, etc instead of staying home. if she still gets too much on ur nerves may be tell her one day bluntly “please i respect u but i come here just to meet my dad and i do hav a mom so don’t try to be my mom” . “u r not my mom” method does always work best with stepmoms :slight_smile:

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

“man shouldnt see so often his kids after kids are over 10 and he shouldnt buy them anything if he is divorced”

^I wonder if the stepmother would feel the same way if her OWN kids were in the same situation. If she were to have kids with the OP’s father…would she still feel that he shouldn’t interact with them much past the age of 10? I doubt it. If she were divorced…would she be upset if the father of kids’ took no interest in them…didn’t buy them things…spend time with them…? I think she would.

I know there are two sides to a story. But I don’t even know this woman…and I’m annoyed by her.

Relationships require boundaries. So, the next time she’s overstepping her boundaries…do what Mabrook suggested. Tell her, “You’re my father’s wife and so I respect you. But you’re not my mother, I already have one. You weren’t the one who raised me…so please keep your opinions about my upbringing to yourself and let my parents deal with it.”

^^^She’s insecure and meddlesome. And honestly…it seems she’d take offense to anything you say. Even a friendly reminder of boundaries may **offend **her. If you kindly tell her that “You’re not my mother”…even with that she’ll think you’re being “badtameez”…and will start comparing you to how things were done in her family “In my family girls were seen and not heard. We didn’t have time to talk back to the elders because we were way too busy cooking the handi, mending the clothes, and sweeping the floor. And then we were soon married off for fear that prolonged singledom might encourage us to become claaaaver and maaadran in thought.”

Give her a friendly reminder…if it gets worse, talk to your dad about the matter in a tactful way (I posted suggestions on how to approach dad on the previous page). Seems she needs “reassurance” from her husband of her own position in his life…that reassurance MIGHT quell her fears to an extent.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

Lol @ RV or giv her a gift this eid and tell her this i bought just for u from 2/3 of my salary. well girlieee why not try sugar coating her for a change. u start treating her like she’s very special and may be she’ll start tolerating u better. u r 20 n u can easily become her friend. ask her to teach u how to cook, help her a lil bit around(not too much though), bring her lil cheap gifts like a flower, a chocolate bar, a book etc…if it didn’t work for like 3 months then giv her a piece of ur mind.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

People who make “taiz” comments (like the stepmother)…will recognize comments like “just for u from 2/3 of my salary” as being taiz, lol. If she’s gonna try the “killing with kindness” approach…then she should be nice without making the “clever” remarks (though she deserves them).

At the same time…the niceness should not be overdone to where the stepmother feels she can take advantage…or gets the impression that the OP can do anything for her and be like a doormat.

The idea can be implemented…but again…without condescending comments. If that doesn’t work…then as you suggested…remind her of boundaries…and if that doesn’t work…approach dad.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

yes absolutely kindness shouldn’t be overdone…just lil things that r not too hard and not raise her expectations too much. simple things “i’ll make tea today, let me put those dishes in dishwasher, would u mind going out with us for a movie, walk, i baked his cake today and brought u some, i liked this poem/book and wanted to share with u, send her an ecard or ejoke(if she has an email)” etc u can always do ur own variations. RV can add up some suggestions too. but limit two kindness per visit only.

PS: that 2/3 salary comment was just a joke. yea never say it on her face. lol

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

^LOL, don’t worry…I know you were joking, Mabs. And the salary comment was pretty funny. :hehe:

I think the above suggestions are good. She could even compliment her at times (but not overdo it). Flattery can go far with people. The stepmom is insecure…and maybe moving to the UK (and trying to fit in) is one of the reasons for her insecurity…and perhaps some praise and other kind gestures that you mentioned might make her feel more included or welcome. But if she doesn’t shape up…then the OP does need to be more firm…and if things continue to get worse…then the dad needs to be included…because he can at least reassure his second his wife…and make the boundaries more clear to her himself. And this can be done tactfully by him as well.

Stepmother knew what she was getting into when she married a man who was considerably older than her and already has children from a previous marriage. And when she knows that…she herself (being older than the OP) needs to have the maturity to understand that the kids are a huge part of his life and he can’t get rid of them. She also needs to be mature enough to understand that he HAD A LIFE (raising children, a family system) BEFORE she ever came into his life…and that he can’t end that system (particularly raising the children). That’s selfish. Every family has their own unique way of doing things. It’s like a system/tradition…that has been developed over years. It’s unreasonable to expect someone to just “end” it for the sake of one person. For example, in my family my dad also never wanted his daughters to pay the bills. That’s just how things are in my family…the way things have been done for years…a system…and when someone comes in and imposes their beliefs on you and expects you to change a system just for them…that’s very offensive. Yes, the dad DOES have to manage his time and responsibilities now that he has a new wife…and Islam requires him to fulfill her rights. But she needs to understand his ties to his children…especially if she herself plans to have children…it’s not a bond that’s easily broken. The woman knew you what she was getting into…so she should be accommodating as well. If it’s such a problem, then she shouldn’t have married someone with kids from a previous marriage.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

well i don’t wanna say it RV but in pak its a pretty simple thought…marry a guy with kids, slowly u can distant them and once they will be older they will marry or move on and out of ur life. a wife’s powers shouldn’t be underestimated.
so best bet right now is to form friendly ties with the newcomer. although girlieee doesn’t necessarily hav to like her or be too honest and too open(also i would strongly suggest don’t trust her with ur private info ) but u can certainly pretend that. if things don’t change then well there always other options. but since OP is a kid of two open minded parents she can start her relation with her new mom with more positivity and warmth. who knows she might succeed and if she does it will be very rewarding.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

I’d beat the **** out of that woman.

Dunno how you’re so patient.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

Why did she marry your dad to begin with? She couldn’t find a single man with no kids?

Crazy and insecure woman.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

hmm… Girlieee… My step mom is alot worse than this … here is wat I do… I respect her n ignore all the bad things she say … n pray that May Allah give me more patience…I cant change her habbits at this age… and the other thing is when a man gets married second time … the 2nd wife gets the priority over the kids of first wife…if she wanna change ur dad she can… make urself strong n hope for the best…

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

tum dono ko roza lag reha hai kia ? :slight_smile:

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

^But it’s a reasonable question.

If one thinks they can’t handle a guy with kids from a previous marriage…(and it seems this woman can’t)…then why not marry some other guy (without kids). She seems to be struggling with the situation. And it makes me wonder…what her “priorities” were in a partner. It could be that she herself is divorced and found it hard to find someone wasn’t in a previous relationship.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

Lol!

Redvelvet - well said! Girliee I would take redvelvets advice and just hope for the best and inshallah everything will be okay hun. xx

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

Sometimes being a devil’s advocate…makes you, well, the devils advocate :slight_smile:

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

Thanks for answers :slight_smile:
Why did she marry your dad to begin with? She couldn’t find a single man with no kids?
Good question, I think that she thought that my dad is not close to his kids, and because we are “old” so she thought my dad doesn’t have to be part of our lives anymore..or she thought that she can change his opinions and life easily..

I’m kind person and i dont like to hurt people , like I have never fought with someone and I have never lost a friend because of argument and I think that i dont have any “enemies”, so I have not said to my step mom anything back or said anything rude to her, because thats not me. I have really that kind a conscience that if i said something rude to someone it will haunt me and I cant sleep before I say sorry to him/her. First months I listen to her and smiled and answered politely but now i just answer if she asks something and I avoid being alone with her. Because I just cant smile to her anymore naturally.

She took me to shopping one time, my dad gave her money that we could shop some new clothes etc. but I didn’t get decide anything what i wanted to buy, like if I liked something she hated it and said not that, and then we(she) ended up buying me clothes what i hate and she liked. And Its really hard to do anything with her because its always about her and what she like, and its hard to say anything because I know if i say i like it, she says i hate it, so its kind a frustrating.

And like I said I have really tried to like her! Even then when she says something bad about me. And I think its hard because of that too that she is sooo different than i am, i cant imagine never saying those things to anyone. Our personalities just dont match. She thinks first her self and then everyone else, and i think first everyone else and then myself. Thats why I haven’t said anything yet, because now she talks those things just to me and I can handle that, it just makes me feel sad and I can cry about that alone, and no one else isn’t feeling unhappy, but if she says something about my sister or brother then I think I just cant be quiet because i hate to see them unhappy. Does that make any sense?: D

I think that if I was more confidence person, I would have said something.I have been struggling bad self-esteem when i was little younger (to age 13-18), and it feels like she is destroying it again for those comments what she says.

I know that my posts might sound so stupid, childish and confusing , im sorry for that. But I just had to write somewhere and clear my feelings and Im really thankful that you have spent time reading and give advices especially redvelvet, your advices and posts made me feel little happy and it feels like u know what to say. Sorry to hear that Biyya your step mom is even worse, what does she do? Mabrook I promise I will again try that warm approach, but its not easy but I will try, and really for me talking to my dad about this is last last last option, and I will talk if I have to and I dont have any other chance. But first i will try other options with time.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

did you say that you are 20 and you don’t cook or clean?

and I can’t believe the number of people that are willing to condemn someone based on hearing one side of the story…

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

No I didn’t, I dont know how to cook Pakistani food, but i cook like a lot other, and I clean but not like my step mom says, that i have to alone clean like whole house etc. And because im half Swedish so my moms culture all children does as much housework, not like one does all or girls does all, like my step mom assumes. And my point was that my step mom thinks that I shouldn’t go see friends or movies that I should be home after school. And I know It might be hard for her understand, but im from two culture family and we have our own habits in my family and how we have raised so she cant say thats wrong.

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

So what’s the harm in learing how to cook Pakistani food? Obviously your father finds it appealing to some degree. Besides…it might be a good way to bond with your step-mom…ask her to teach you.

Are you saying that you can’t clean a whole house if you needed to? What’s the harm in doing it once in a while for your step-mom and father? Really is any parent asking too much if they ask a child to help? And is the exercise going to kill you?

Didn’t you say that you live with your biological mom? So what does it matter if step-mommy thinks you should be home after school. She’s not getting to enforce the rule, is she? Her approach to child-rearing can be dealt with by having a simple talk with your father. A private one. I’m sure that he will understand the difference between the two cultures and he will explain this to his new wife.

If you are the eldest and this is the example that you are setting then the younger two have much more to worry about then how step-mom is going to behave with them…

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Re: My dads new wife…help.

know dat is a big problem!

well i hate stepmothers! they never can be nice 2 her husband children!

well i can understand ur problem and its good 2 hear that ur father still listens 2 u. abt ur younger siblings know u hv 2 be very cary of them qauz there is no more hopes left for them since ur father got married another woman.

try 2 convince ur father that he should always stay there for u and ur siblings better said his 1st children and when ever ur stepmother should get any child so he should take care after 2 all of u in the same level. so be with ur father all the time

and try 2 speak with trustable person in ur family maybe there is somone who is against this woman and who really want 2 help u in anway
=)