My Brother-In-Law

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I need some advice regarding my sister and future brother in law. I am happily married for 3 years, and my younger sister has found a guy as well and she is engaged to be married to him soon. This guy she is engaged to is a family friend whose family we’ve known our entire life.

When I was 18 years old, before I was engaged or anything to my husband, this guy who is 2 years older than me, 20 at the time had a huge crush on me, he let his family know that he liked me as well as let his friends and immediate close friends know that he would like to approach me to get to know me, and possibly ask for my hand in marriage a few years later.

He made sure from friends that I knew that he liked me even though he never told me directly, and even my parents were okay with it when they found out from the kids because he was someone our family knew and they liked him and his family as well too. His parents hadn’t approached my parents or anything because it was just a crush and they figured I was too young at the time, plus he was still in college so no career to bring a rishtaa yet, they figured they would wait.

Now, I never really thought about him like that at that time when people told me, and didn’t like him or have feelings for him. I did however talk to him a few times on the phone just as a friend, as he was helping me with some career decision advice possibly as an excuse to talk to me because we never did before, it was not a big deal to me, since I was comfortable talking to him as I’ve known him my entire life. He never told me he liked me, I guess he just wanted to get to know me first and see how things go.

He kind of got the hint after talking a few times on the phone that I wasn’t interested in him in that way, and things just kind of never progressed and it was the end of that, he just kind of moved on.

My sister was very little at the time as she is 6 years younger to me, as she was only 12-13 years old at the time he “liked” me, so she had no idea about the whole situation about him liking me. No clue at all. 3 years later, I got married to my husband, and recently (6 years later from when he liked me) I found out that him and my sister are now talking and this guy likes her. My sister as I found out also likes him and it became a serious relationship, and their “baat pakki” or engagement is happening soon.

I became quite disturbed at first by the fact that it “had to be him” that she liked, because it was odd how he approached the younger sister after having sort of a “moment” with me the older sister even though it was a few years later. My sister obviously has no clue that he liked me in the past, and I don’t think he told her either, probably because it wasn’t anything, and of course it might be weird.

My parents also found it weird and all my family friends found it weird in the beginning as well because they knew about him liking me, they are quiet about it but obviously its like the “elephant in the room.” However over time people have gotten over it since it was a while back that he liked me but I’m sure they do think of it now and then. My parents and I talked about it briefly privately because it bothered me, and they understood where I was coming from but said to just not think about it, and think of him as a brother now.

I’ve never really gotten a chance to be close to him because there’s always that “ick” factor in the back of my head no matter how much I try to forget about it, and my sister blames me for not getting close to him because he is my brother in law. Of course she has no clue, and I don’t blame her. However Its difficult for me no matter how much I try there is a distance, because I think of that…Because it wasn’t just a minor crush…it was a major crush where he even told his parents/family about it.

Of course I will never ever tell her and hope to god she never finds out either from anyone because that would be really awkward with our relationship as sisters…I can also never tell my husband either, it would possibly ruin the relationship between the brother in laws.

My sis and him are quite happy and in love with each other awaiting the wedding day, and I’ve only seen him think of me as a sister in law and never looked at me in the wrong way.

Here is my question do you think this is normal?? Is it weird that he liked the other sister when one wasn’t available? Is this normal? What are your thoughts and opinions about it? Just like how I think of the past when I see him, does he think of the past as well because he was the one with the feelings about me? What does this say about his character?

2

Re: My Brother-In-Law

It might have been a crush that he’s gotten over. Plus he’s moving on, be glad he’s still not hung up on you and moving forward. Yes, it seems a little bizarre that it’s your sister but he may actually love her instead of it being a crush. Just try not to make it awkward for the both of you as you said so yourself that you never had any feelings as such towards him. So if it was just one-sided, act normal for the sake of both of you and to not make him feels awkward for liking you all those years ago. You never did give him signals that you liked him back, and you stated that he got the message. So just act normal with it all.

3

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Your reading into it too much. If not you then he’s obviously going to marry someone else, which just so happens to be your younger sister. You made it clear that nothing happened between you so what’s the problem? If you sent each other lovey dovey texts or phone calls then that would be weird. Instead just be happy that she’s found someone that likes her. Everyone has history.

I think his character is good. You’ve said so yourself that he thinks of you as his sister-in-law. I mean if he still tried to pursue you and used your sister a means of getting to you then that would be wrong of him.

4

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Smile through it even if you’re freaking out. He may have a physical type that he likes and being sisters you guys probably look similarish. It could something as basic as both of you having big eyes or something. The fact he got the hint and didn’t pursue you was a huge positive sign because some guys will not take the hint.

I do think you should try to forge a new relationship with the guy. I’m sure it’ll get easier in the future but for now it needs to be forced a little because the inherent awkwardness will get in the way. You could just pretend to be oblivious.

But be prepared for some relative to squeal for gossip’s sake. So… if you keep acting weird your sister’s going to suspect something and if even one hint of gossip reaches her ears, it could cement her suspicion. Just continue to be be oblivious. At max just say you’ve always thought of him as a brother and he knows it so it’s weird people are spreading gossip. Same for your parents because a rishta that didn’t even come is a non-starter.

5

Re: My Brother-In-Law

There was never any formal rishta talks between you two. He had a crush on you based on your looks/reputation b/c based on what you wrote, you two never really got to know each other. You had a few phone conversations regarding your career. He had a crush on you, accepted the fact that you weren’t interested, and the next girl he liked happened to be your sister. I don’t think he “planned” this. Again, since your families know another…your sister happened to be another girl he saw on multiple occasions and was attracted to, your sister showed interest, they got to know one another and now they’re engaged.

From what you wrote about him, his character seems great. He handled the rejection from you in a very mature manner even though he know that people (his parents/friends) knew about his crush. He put aside his ego and moved on and still treats you with respect. He did not create drama or cause any tension. Even now, you yourself wrote that he treats you like a SIL and has not even looked at you the wrong way. There is nothing in your post to even hint that anything in his character is bad.

To be honest, I think that its weird that YOU have not been able to let go of the past. The crush thing happened years ago and you’re happily married…yet you can’t let go of it. Your parents, the guy, family friends…everyone else has moved on but you. I agree that your sister and your husband does not need to know about the past. But you should spend some time reflecting within your own self and try to figure out what exactly is bothering you about this situation.

6

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Something is quite wrong in what you have stated above.

You say that it was HIS major crush on you, you did not think anything of it, never thought about him that way, did not have feelings for him and all that but despite being married for 6 years, you still have all those feelings about him so strongly that you’re unable to see him as a brother in law? Sorry to be blunt but I dont think that the problem here is that he likes your sister but the problem here is that you have not moved on while everyone else has including your parents. If you really did not look at him that way or really did not have any feelings for him as you claim and was satisfied with your marriage then you wouldnt be so disturbed right now but happy for both him and your sister because they both are happy. Even your parents advised you to take him as a brother. If you had no feelings for him during the time he had a crush on you then there should not have been any ‘ick’ factor and it would not have been so hard for you to look at him as your brother.

Why is there any ‘ick’ factor if you did not look at him that way before??? Maybe things did not progress between you and him in the past because after talking to you, he probably did not like you enough to proceed with anything. Im unable to see why this affected you so much that you had to talk to your parents about it??? Or do you want to get back at him for not choosing you by making your parents refuse his proposal for your sister? Personally, that’s what I think it is. Your ego is hurt and you want to mess it up for him despite the fact that they both (your sister and him) are happy about their marriage. What does that say about your character?

If your sister ever finds out that her hubby had a crush on you, you should tell her exactly what you’re telling us - That once he realised that you had no feelings for him, he moved on “…because it wasn’t anything…”. If it really was not anything serious then why are you trying to make it serious now that everyone including the guy got over it soon after? Whereas you yourself said that he had a chance to talk to you at different times but still did not say to you that he liked you… Shouldnt that tell you something? Now that you know that he proposed to your sister and is getting married to her, where is all that anger stemming from that you had to talk to your parents about it?

Act responsible, take your parents advice, get over the past, respect your sister and new BIL’s feelings, wish them blessings.

7

Re: My Brother-In-Law

This :k:

Why is it hard for you to believe that he has moved on?

8

What Sady said. Nothing ever happened between the two of you, he “had a crush” on you (based on what people told you, eventhough he himself never said anything about it to you), why make such a big deal of it now, after all these years?

9

Re: My Brother-In-Law

thank you! thanks for understanding where I’m coming from I will def take your advice

10

Re: My Brother-In-Law

thank you for your advice… I will def put more of an effort in getting to know him…however I’ve noticed in a lot of these threads whenever someone puts an issue up about a personal matter, everyone starts accusing the OP of being the main problem! You guys are accusing me of “not getting over it,” however I’ve stated that I have gotten over it, it just bothers me that this was his intention in the past and if it is okay to like your little sister…If something like this happened with your younger sibling would you be able to stop let it bother you in the back of your mind? probably not as well. Also this issue has bothered my parents as well…and they found it odd and were confused by the whole rishtaa in the first place.

Of course its not a huge deal I just wanted the opinion of strangers rather than someone who knows me so I can just get their input about the situation, I was hoping to have some people say “yes they can understand where I’m coming from but to think good of him and eventually this would fade.” He is new in my life as my sister’s “hone wala” and are newly “baat pakki” so it may take time.

Coming on here and writing these personal issues is not because we are making a big issue over nothing its so we have a tiny subconscious that bothers up and we cannot go to family/friends and just need to discuss it with a stranger that doesn’t know us. It does take a lot of guts to write these. All that does is make the OP feel like an idiot for even writing these and/have feelings.

Please don’t automatically be harsh to the OP and blame it on them without thinking where they are coming from it might be a sensitive issue for them they are battling silently. Its totally okay to be empathetic with them before giving advice!

11

Re: My Brother-In-Law

ive NEVER said I was angry about it! it just “bothered me” and the way you are saying it, I’m NOT making a big deal about it…just cause I wrote my problem on here does NOT make me making a big deal about it, it just bothered me a bit and that’s why I wanted a third person’s advice…

and like I said…I’ve spoken to my parents who it bothered them as well! but we all decided we need to move on…its just a bit hard because it is my little sister. As far as my ego being hurt…are you serious? its my little sister why would I ever be in competition with her? Did you not read the part where I stated I was happy for her?? You really need to understand it is NOT OKAY to start accusing rudely of the OP of their issue when nothing has even been said or felt in any way that you are stating.

12

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Don’t expect any sympathy unless you are a poor DIL or have rishta problems. Let’s face it. People don’t know how to advise others on an issue they haven’t experienced themselves. Most people post here so others can “like” their posts.

13

Re: My Brother-In-Law

I think you just needed to write it down, to get it out of your system. You’re feeling odd or weird about it and I think that’s normal - the two of you might not have had a real baat paki or relationship, but there was a “connection” of some sort due to all the crush talk. No need to think more about it and it seems like he has moved on as you mentioned yourself, he treats you like a sisterinlaw. And I really don’t think he picked your sister because of you - Don’t start thinking about such stuff, cause then you’re going to analyze his words and behaviour and see things that really aren’t there.

The fact that your sister and your husband don’t know about it - I understand why you wouldn’t want to tell them but in my head I’m just thinking about all the friends and family who happen to know about it - what if they tell them? Maybe talk to your parents about this issue - whether you should tell them yourself or they should - incase it gets blown out like some huge drama later on.

Good luck with everything and congrats to your sister :slight_smile:

14

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Ms. @azalea

You say just because you posted it here does not mean you were making a big deal out of it. I said you were too disturbed about it not because you posted it here but because what you wrote in your first post. Read your first post again. Here are the excerpts (your own words. Pay attention to the bold part):

"I became quite disturbed at first by the fact that it “had to be him” that she liked, because it was odd how he approached the younger sister after having sort of a “moment” with me the older sister even though it was a few years later."

  • Why did it disturb you so much that it is him your sister likes?

"My parents also found it weird and all my family friends found it weird in the beginning as well… ***However over time people have gotten over it ***since it was a while back that he liked me… My parents and I talked about it briefly privately because it bothered me, and they understood where I was coming from but said to just not think about it, and think of him as a brother now."

  • You talked to your parents about it privately because it bothered YOU and they understood where YOU were coming from because it was you who brought their attention to the past events. And you did that BEFORE your sister’s “baat pakki” even though you saw her happy with him? If this is not making a big deal, what is it especially when you claim there was nothing serious?

“I’ve never really gotten a chance to be close to him because there’s always that “ick” factor in the back of my head*** no matter how much I try to forget about it***… Of course she has no clue, and I don’t blame her. However Its difficult for me no matter how much I try there is a distance…”

  • You never thought of him ‘that way’, why the ‘ick’ factor “no matter how much you try to forget about it”??? Forget about what??? See the wording your have used. Like you’re so stressed out due to this. It shows in your post.

“Just like how I think of the past when I see him, does he think of the past as well because he was the one with the feelings about me? What does this say about his character?”

  • Look at your questions. He is the one who had feelings for you, does he also think of the past like you think of the past even though you had no feelings for him.

The guy did not ever say that he liked you. Rather he did not proceed with things to the level of proposing to you after talking to you a few times yet you go on to ask: “What does this say about his character?” WTF??? Are you sure you were not too bothered when you wrote your first post? Ask any strange, new, anonymous person to read your first post and tell you what they feel after reading it. There are contradictions.

You did not say in your post that you were looking for sympathy? Now my reply has also ended up hurting your ego or has it not??

15

Re: My Brother-In-Law

@Sady

I think you 're reading too much into it. After reading the OP’s post I didn’t get the impression that she might harbor conscious or even subconscious feelings about her soon-to-be BIL. During the time that this guy was interested in her, she was presented with many opportunities to get to know him and eventually marry him especially since the parents from both sides were happy with such a prospect and that tends to make things easier. But she just wasn 't interested in him. If I were in OP’s situation I’d find it awkward as well. I think she just hopes that the guy is sincere with her sister and loves her for who she is and that his commitment to her sister has nothing to do with her. And that’s understandable; at least that’s the impression that I got from the story.

OP, have you met or interacted with your sister’s fiance at all? How is his behavior with you ? How does he treat your sister ? She would like for you to interact more with him as he’s now going to become part of your family and by avoiding it, you might risk straining relationship with ur sister. And unfortunately gossip tends to gain strength when two people “avoid” each other as opposed to them behaving normally in each other’s presence, so that’s something to consider as well. Perhaps interacting with your bil…talking to him…will give you a clearer idea about him and how he feels about your sister. It can help remove your doubts or fears about him and bring about more peace of mind.

16

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Is it normal for a man to fancy two sisters? …ahhh YEAH that is perfectly normal, in fact its sort of a sick fetish for most men.

My thoughts and opinions on it though… hmm its hard to say, it could well be that he has changed over the last 6 years or that he has genuinely developed feelings for your sister and something good could happen between the two but I’d be the same as you, finding it pretty iffy that the guy who once wanted you now wants your sister.
And I get you are trying to be a sweet sister by not saying anything to your younger sister although, from a personal point of view, that is not something I would WANT to be kept from me. Having the whole world know that your fiance made dips on the elder sister that he liked first. I really would not like it if everyone knew that except me.

I’m not saying that you should tell her… but its definitely a weird one. If I was in your shoes I would not want this marriage to happen in the first place. I really can’t believe that even your parents have just gotten over it too.

17

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Oh you mean she fears that he might be stalking her or something through her sister? Seriously?

Am I the only one who’s reading her post the way she wrote it? Pay some attention below:

…and didn’t like him or have feelings for him. I did however talk to him a few times on the phone just as a friend… He never told me he liked me, ***I guess he just wanted to get to know me first and see how things go. ***

He kind of got the hint after talking a few times on the phone that I wasn’t interested in him in *that way, and things just kind of never progressed and it was the end of that, he just kind of moved on.

My sis and him are quite happy and in love with each other awaiting the wedding day, and I’ve only seen him think of me as a sister in law and never looked at me in the wrong way.

What does this say about his character?*

After all the above she said about the guy… Him looking at her as a sister, she still has doubt about his character???

She admits she saw them both are in love awaiting the wedding day but she had to go talk to her parents about it BEFORE her baat pakki??? If not making a big deal out of it then she could have stayed quite or talked to parents AFTER the ‘baat pakki’ because her sister is happy, why BEFORE? I understand if she fears he might be looking to stalk her or something but why.. about what if there was nothing he said to her or she said to him?

18

Re: My Brother-In-Law

There is a possibility that OP probably fears that he might be trying to get back at her for not taking interest in him and might want to ruin her marriage. If that is what her concern is then she does not need to fear as she did not show any interest in him when he talked to her in the past.

19

Re: My Brother-In-Law

@azalea](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/members/azalea.html)

My sister and I are close in age. When my parents started looking for us, they were looking for both of us but each with very different “criteria” based on our personalities/career path etc. There was this one family that my parents have known for a long time. They were interested and inquired through a mutual friend to see if we would be interested. Initially, my parents thought that it would be a good rishta for me because he ticked most of the boxes for what they had in mind for me. So we met in a family setting and my sister wasn’t there. I didn’t really hit it off with him. Later, his mom (who was best friends with my mom back in college) mentioned that they were actually more interested in my sister based on her profession and because she is older, so when they had asked the mutual friend to inquire on their behalf, they had my sis in mind.
Initially, I was a little offended but because there was nothing going on really, I didn’t have a problem with the “girl switching”. The main plus in this was that we knew the family really well, and the guy had stellar character. There was just miscommunication due to a third party getting involved.
Khair, it turned out that my sis and him didn’t really hit it off either. But agar ho bhi jaata, tu it’s not something I would have dwelled on.

The only times it should be weird is if there is a history between the couple (like you were engaged or you’ve dated or you both secretly liked each other) and it doesn’t work out but then you switch to the sibling. That’s weird.

20

Re: My Brother-In-Law

Sady…read the part where she says I’ve only seen him look at me as a sister-in-law and never looked at me in a wrong way… I see that as a good thing. I don’t deny that it’s an awkward situation cuz it is. But if this guy still had designs on OP…then by becoming the BIL…would give him closer access to OP and allow him the opportunity to flirt with her etc etc. But nothing like that has happened. Op said that he has not behaved inappropriately with her. Moreover, don’t you think that this guy’s own parents would have had doubts about this rishta as well? I wouldn’t be surprised if his parents addressed the matter with him …talked to him about whether it would be “right” to pursue the younger sister. And assuming that his parents did have this conversation with him…he must have put their fears to rest. The two families have been friends for years and I want to give the benefit of the doubt that this guy doesn’t have any ill-will…that he wouldn’t risk hurting is own parents let alone their good friends of many years.
Jahan tak OP ki baat hai…I don’t doubt her. She sounds like a concerned older sister to me.