Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
One more thing...what's happened to him isn't something you or anyone can fix. Its permanent. He is either going to get divorced or live with a woman he doesn't love. Neither option is appealing to him. And, lets say he does divorce her because his insincere family turned sincere on him all of a sudden. Do you think that will bring him back to you? Things will never be the way they were before.
That being said, nothing you do or say will fix this overnight. Literally nothing.
You will have to work on this one day at a time **if **you want a relationship with him. Do your best to be there for him and that's it. Don't offer him your opinions...I don't think he'll appreciate any more of those. If he wants to stay with her, help them get marriage counseling. If he wants to divorce her, help him find a good lawyer. At all costs, stay OUT of his marriage. Be supportive of his choices and eventually he will soften towards you. That is what your role is in this.
You don't decide what's best for him. You don't get to dictate whether he should or should not leave his wife. Its not your place or right. This is not about you. This is his personal life and he's the main character in this drama. What you want or think is not important.
Is this an older brother? Because if it is, you need to learn to respect him. It seems as if you don't respect him at all.
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
The people who are telling me to work don't seem to realise that even if I will work and my family becomes financially independent from my brother, nothing will change. My bhabhi is never ever satisfied with what she gets and WILL always ask for more.
And my brother is still confused on whether to divorce her or not. I don't want to repeat my mistake of forcing him into a decision again, nut he DOES need advice on what to do this time.
And my mother was NOT forcing him into this marriage. She was the only family member who took his side when he was being forced [my mistake, yeah], that is why he is not angry with my mum. However my father has a habit of blaming my mum and her family [which is in Canada] for all the problems in our family and is accusing my mum's family of doing black magic on us [he is lying, he knows this but swearing at my nanyaal and anyone else seems to give him satisfaction that he didn't cause any problems].
And whenever my brother tries to not give my dad any money, my dad starts fighting with my mum and threatens to give her talaaq if my brother doesn't give him any money. So my brother just hands over any money he has to my dad. In fact my father says that the whole drama happening now is my brother's fault for threatening to divorce my bhabhi during their last fight.This was when she accused my bhai of having never done anything for her. My brother who had been patient with her all this time just felt too hurt and only threatened to divorce her if she didn't change her behaviour towards him. That is the reason for the current fight between them.
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
The people who are telling me to work don't seem to realise that even if I will work and my family becomes financially independent from my brother, nothing will change. My bhabhi is never ever satisfied with what she gets and WILL always ask for more.
And my brother is still confused on whether to divorce her or not. I don't want to repeat my mistake of forcing him into a decision again, nut he DOES need advice on what to do this time.
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
The people who are telling me to work don't seem to realise that even if I will work and my family becomes financially independent from my brother, nothing will change. My bhabhi is never ever satisfied with what she gets and WILL always ask for more.
And my brother is still confused on whether to divorce her or not. I don't want to repeat my mistake of forcing him into a decision again, nut he DOES need advice on what to do this time.
And my mother was NOT forcing him into this marriage. She was the only family member who took his side when he was being forced [my mistake, yeah], that is why he is not angry with my mum. However my father has a habit of blaming my mum and her family [which is in Canada] for all the problems in our family and is accusing my mum's family of doing black magic on us [he is lying, he knows this but swearing at my nanyaal and anyone else seems to give him satisfaction that he didn't cause any problems].
And whenever my brother tries to not give my dad any money, my dad starts fighting with my mum and threatens to give her talaaq if my brother doesn't give him any money. So my brother just hands over any money he has to my dad. In fact my father says that the whole drama happening now is my brother's fault for threatening to divorce my bhabhi during their last fight.This was when she accused my bhai of having never done anything for her. My brother who had been patient with her all this time just felt too hurt and only threatened to divorce her if she didn't change her behaviour towards him. That is the reason for the current fight between them.
Why don't you get a job and let your brother care for his family now? Support yourself and do your best to do your part on this planet as a human being and not become a burden. Please don't assume you have all the answers because your track record proves otherwise.
And no, he doesn't need yours or anyone's advice. Personal lives are not about the fights happening in front of you guys - will you be there behind closed doors every single day and night? He needs to figure this out for himself - even if you think he is incapable of it. This needs to be his decision so he can be responsible for it from here on forward.
As for your father, I don't know why any son would give his father money to stay married to his mother? Does this sound right to you?
Since the issue is mainly your father and not your brother...its best to focus on that.
My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need help?
Assalamu alaikum sister. Your story sounds like a Pakistani drama! Never knew these type of stories happen for real. Allah make it easy for you all and grant us all hidayat to change for the better.
To help change the situation in your home, regardless of anyone joining you or not, you should assign a fixed time to sit down and read some ahadith daily. This will help to reconnect yourself with the deen, create love and attachment to Allah, and also give you peace, because there is no other source of peace other than the remembrance of Allah. Inshallah, if you will sit down daily and read these ahadith regarding the virtues of Salah, Quran, zikr, etc you will feel more encouraged to perfect your deeds and feel more inner peace. Elders say that if you regularly do Taleem for 40 days straight, someone in your home will get hidayat inshallah and the Angels will flock to your home at that time. May Allah make it easy for u all and remove all ur worries. Ameen!
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
Today all of us
(except for my dad) sat down and we had a deep conversation with my brother. None of us have apologised yet to him, we want to do it slowly after regaining his trust and showing him by acts of kindness by showing him that we are on his side with whatever decision he takes. My brother has mood swings and has bad days and 'better' days. Today was one of the better days(yesterday my brother was talking to bhabhi on the phone and was crying half the time and begging forgoveness from her, but I don't think the response from her side was positive...my brother then had a bad day for the rest of the day). As today was his better day we talked to him. My brother broke down and told my mum that ever since he was a child he saw how our father treated our mother( divorce threats, talk of doosri shaadi, gambling, asking for money from her relatives and friends and throwing her out of the house for not bringing any money) and that he had made a personal "resolution' in childhood to never be that sort of husband to his wife. He told my mum that all he ever wanted was to be the best husband he could be and that is why he had borne his wife's behaviour for so long. He thinks he has failed this dream of his and doesn't want it to end in divorce. He hopes his wife will change and love him. But he also admits this will be very unlikely. For him, this marriage is a sign of him being a 'failed' husband.
And my father also told my brother today that he will throw him out of the house because it is 'his' fault unless he brings bhabhi back. My father is giving regular lectures to my bhai that it is all his fault. My brother just becomes more miserable.
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
The first step to regain his trust is by apologizing and admitting your mistakes. All the family members are too emotionally involved to give him good advice. Send him and bhabhi to an impartial therapist, imam, etc. so they can decide if they should stay married. Your advice is worthless at this point. You and your Dad have zero credibility.
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
None of us have apologised yet to him, we want to do it slowly after regaining his trust and showing him by acts of kindness by showing him that we are on his side with whatever decision he takes.
I have a problem with this statement. You have not even apologized to him yet and want him to trust you? I can totally understand his mood swings towards you.
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother’s life and we don’t know how to rebuild it. Need h
Giving him a SINCERE apology is the very 1st step in gaining his trust! I’m amazed at just how clueless you are when it comes to showing remorse for your selfishness that destroyed your own brother’s life.
If you don’t see the problem with the statement you wrote above…then NO ONE can help you. :hinna:
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
Today all of us
(except for my dad) sat down and we had a deep conversation with my brother. None of us have apologised yet to him, we want to do it slowly after regaining his trust and showing him by acts of kindness by showing him that we are on his side with whatever decision he takes.
APOLOGIZE to the man.
If not for him then for your own conscience......how can you continue to live like this?
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
Today all of us
(except for my dad) sat down and we had a deep conversation with my brother. None of us have apologised yet to him, we want to do it slowly after regaining his trust and showing him by acts of kindness by showing him that we are on his side with whatever decision he takes. My brother has mood swings and has bad days and 'better' days.
Farah,
I hope you never have anyone play with your feelings and life the way you play with his. You are using him like a puppet. You will apologize on your own terms, don't think he's worth an apology, have no respect for his feelings, privacy or life, and are now calling him moody.
You have no respect for your brother.
Wow.
I don't know why he continues to talk to you people.
He doesn't have mood swings or bad days. He has moments when he realizes how crappy his life is and how he is surrounded by people who don't love him...just want his money. He got married and even then he didn't find love - just another user. If he divorces her, what does he have? More people who are waiting to use him for his money? Wow...how tempting.
Please, do yourself a favor and leave him alone. Find a way to stand on your own two feet and stop worrying about his life. Its not just his job to support his parents Farah, its yours too. That's what I don't think you get. YOU are just as obligated to provide for your parents as he is.
Responsibility = zimmidar
Does this mean anything to you? Or is this a foreign concept that is only your brother's problem?
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
To the OP...have you heard the saying "what goes around, comes around"? With the lack of consciousness, maturity and empathy that you've shown in this thread towards your own brother, I shudder to think what will happen when you yourself get married. Please do yourself and others a favor and do not even think of dragging this baggage into another unsuspecting family. All your lambi lambi posts and lamentings have wreaked of "poor me poor me" and your childhood wishes and some dreamed up kumbaya existence...you are still not "getting it". Even if you live in Pakistan, I seriously suggest you enlist in some counseling and find a way to disengage yourself from your brother's life and let the man make his own decisions. Let him be, and concentrate on making yourself a better person so that these things don't carry into your own married life in the future (and by the looks of things they surely will).
Re: My bhabhi destroyed my brother's life and we don't know how to rebuild it. Need h
**For Farah: **May Allah shows everyone the right path of emaan and forgive our every mistake... Ameen If you are confused and you think that every door is closed den you should Ask for ALLAH's help.. Inshallah he will guide you and help you.. recite Astaghfar for as many time as you can..
For others: please stop this blaming game. she is worried and everyone can make mistakes in their life.
Assalamu alaikum sister. Your story sounds like a Pakistani drama! Never knew these type of stories happen for real. Allah make it easy for you all and grant us all hidayat to change for the better.
To help change the situation in your home, regardless of anyone joining you or not, you should assign a fixed time to sit down and read some ahadith daily. This will help to reconnect yourself with the deen, create love and attachment to Allah, and also give you peace, because there is no other source of peace other than the remembrance of Allah. Inshallah, if you will sit down daily and read these ahadith regarding the virtues of Salah, Quran, zikr, etc you will feel more encouraged to perfect your deeds and feel more inner peace. Elders say that if you regularly do Taleem for 40 days straight, someone in your home will get hidayat inshallah and the Angels will flock to your home at that time. May Allah make it easy for u all and remove all ur worries. Ameen!
No offence but I never understand how these replies help the OP at all? How is God supposed to help a person who isn't prepared to help herself?
If it was only praying to God that made everything hunky dorie then there would be no problems in the world. God helps those who help themselves and in this case she needs to start owning up to her brother.
Giving him a SINCERE apology is the very 1st step in gaining his trust! I’m amazed at just how clueless you are when it comes to showing remorse for your selfishness that destroyed your own brother’s life.