I have a friend back in the UK. Well her husband fulfills all her financial needs and they have been married for 9 years now. But he doesn"t like his wife and kids mixing with his in-laws. His kids are very attached to their nanyaal and his kids often skype with their cousins from the maternal side. He tells them instead to chat with their paternal cousins, despite the fact that his family is not very nice to his wife and are rather rude to her, but still her husband likes to swear at his wife’s family for no reason, call them names and level false accusations against them even if they have done nothing wrong to him. His in-laws don’t even speak to him because they know how rude he is to them.
But ironically in times of financial need he begs money from his in-laws and they give it to him for the sake of their daughter. He barely ever repays them and remains ungrateful and disrespects them.
Anyways, he prevents his wife from going to her parents house or even any other relatives house. The children don’t go on outings anyway and their relatives are the only people they can socialise with, and even then the father restricts them. Whevener her parents come he doesn’t even let his wife open the door. Occasionally whe he is in a good mood he lets his wife meet them.
The wife took this issue to her local imam, and the imam said that her husband was right and it is his right in Islam to restrict her movements outside the house, even to visit her blood relatives. However he said it is wrong for him to cut off her relations with her family but if her husband tells her to do so then she has to obey, even if he is wrong, because if she disobeys him even when he is wrong then she is dissobedient in the eyes of Allah.
The imam told her of a story of a man who was travelling and before he left he told his wife to not go out of the house for any reason whatsoever, even if anything happened. While the husband was away the wife’s father died and the wife did not attend her father’s funeral because her husband had instructed her to never leave the house while he was away. That woman then went to heaven for her ‘patience’.
My friend is now suffering from depression, her family tells her to be patient and compromising to not spoil her marriage over a ‘trivial issue’ but when I hear of what the imam said to her my IMAN went down so low.
I want to ask men here, would you ever restrict your wife from socialising with her friends and relatives even if her family is very nice to you and supportive to you in times of need?
Re: My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
How is it affecting your imaan?
I think of why would Allah give such oppressive rights to men? And why would a woman become a sinner if she disobeys her wrong husband? And why is it seens as an act of supreme patience and sacrifice to do such an act for an unreasonable husband?
I really try not to think of such things, but I can't help it.
Re: My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
Out of all the chitty things I've heard of in-laws doing, the one that pisses me off the most is preventing the wife/dil from visiting her parents. She needs to call him out on what he's doing and if religion is of any importance to him, then she can try discussing the significance of parents and his disrespectful attitude from an Islamic perspective. She could also try talking to a member of her husband's family....someone who wont fuel the tension ....and who would have some influence on the husband and reason with him. Or she can try getting her parents to have a word with her husband if they haven't already done so. It's not a "trivial" problem if she's depressed and this will affect her relationship with her children as well.
It's sad that parents give their a daughter away to a guy and place their trust in him...and he breaks that trust......so that she doesn't feel mentally/emotionally safe from the person who has the responsibility of protecting her. :(
Re: My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
^The Imaam your friend talked to has given a very warped version of a husband's Islamic rights. And the example that he cited to support his views is...well, I don't even have the words for it.
I am no scholar in the matter but a reasonable man would never make the demands on his wife that your friend's husband is making. So don't let it affect your Imaan, just make sure not to marry a man like your friend's sartaaj.
But Islam QA says the same thing when you search their site. This has reallly affected my iman personally.
Islam QA is not an authority on Islam. These imams and website forget the basic foundation of Islam...you know the one based on compassion, mutual respect, humanity and all that good stuff.
A marriage between a man and a woman is not that of a master and slave. These so called authorities of Islam love to portray it as one probably to hold on to their own low self esteem.
The husband is being a jerk due to his own insecurities. How would he feel if his wife prevented him from seeing his family?! And what he is doing is totally against Islam. The wife has a religious obligation to her parents and he is preventing her from fulfilling that obligation. I suggest your friend seek another Imam's opinion, you know the one that doesn't hail from a Pakistan madrassa in Peshawar.
Re: My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
Islam QA is not an authority on Islam. These imams and website forget the basic foundation of Islam...you know the one based on compassion, mutual respect, humanity and all that good stuff.
A marriage between a man and a woman is not that of a master and slave. These so called authorities of Islam love to portray it as one probably to hold on to their own low self esteem.
The husband is being a jerk due to his own insecurities. How would he feel if his wife prevented him from seeing his family?! And what he is doing is totally against Islam. The wife has a religious obligation to her parents and he is preventing her from fulfilling that obligation. I suggest your friend seek another Imam's opinion, you know the one that doesn't hail from a Pakistan madrassa in Peshawar.
But the imams say that husbands have more rights than the parents and his rights supersede those of the parents. And this was an imam in the UK and Islam QA is a widely respected and trusted Islamic fatwa-giving sites.
My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
Where does it say in the Quran or Hadith that a husband has more rights than your parents?? Oh I know of an authentic Hadith: "The best amongst you are those who are best to their wives."
Re: My bff’s husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
Islam Question and Answer - If he forbids her to visit her family, should she obey him? -According to this fatwa-''It is not permissible for a woman to go out of her husband’s house without his permission, even if that is to visit her parents, but he should give her permission, so that she will be able to uphold her ties of kinship. But if he forbids her then she must obey him, and he has no right to prevent her parents from visiting her or speaking to her. ‘’
‘‘It says in Asna al-Mataalib (Shaafa’i) (3/239): The husband has the right to prevent his wife from visiting her parents (when they are sick) and attending their funerals and the funeral of her child, but it is better not to do that’’.
My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
Why have you conveniently omitted the Hanafi and Maaliki ruling in your post? Are you a troll?? I googled Asna e mataalib and guess what I found?!
The Hanafis and Maalikis are of the view that he does not have the right to prevent her from doing that.
The Shaafa’is and Hanbalis are of the view that he does have the right to prevent her, and that she must obey him, so she should not go out to visit them except with his permission, but he does not have the right to prevent her from speaking to them or to prevent them from visiting her, unless he fears that their visit may cause some harm, in which case he may forbid it so as to ward off harm.
Ibn Nujaym (Hanafi) said: If her father is elderly, for example, and needs her to serve him, and the husband prevents her from visiting him, then she may disobey him, whether her father is a Muslim or a kaafir. This is what it says in Fath al-Qadeer. It may be understood from what we have said that she may go out to visit her parents and mahrams. According to the correct view, she may go out to visit her parents every week with or without his permission, and to visit her mahrams once every year with or without his permission. End quote from al-Bahr al-Raa’iq (4/212).
It says in al-Taaj wa’l-Ikleel ‘ala Matn al-Khaleel (Maaliki) (5/549): In al-‘Utbiyyah it says that the man has no right to prevent his wife from going out to the house of her father or brother, and a ruling to that effect should be issued against him, which is different from the view of Ibn Habeeb. Ibn Rushd said: This difference of opinion applies to a young woman who is trustworthy. As for the old woman there is no difference of opinion; she may visit her father and brother. As for a young woman who is not trustworthy, she is not allowed to go out. End quote.
I prefer to go with the Hanafi and Maliki version thank you.
Re: My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
Why have you conveniently omitted the Hanafi and Maaliki ruling in your post? Are you a troll?? I googled Asna e mataalib and guess what I found?!
The Hanafis and Maalikis are of the view that he does not have the right to prevent her from doing that.
The Shaafa’is and Hanbalis are of the view that he does have the right to prevent her, and that she must obey him, so she should not go out to visit them except with his permission, but he does not have the right to prevent her from speaking to them or to prevent them from visiting her, unless he fears that their visit may cause some harm, in which case he may forbid it so as to ward off harm.
Ibn Nujaym (Hanafi) said: If her father is elderly, for example, and needs her to serve him, and the husband prevents her from visiting him, then she may disobey him, whether her father is a Muslim or a kaafir. This is what it says in Fath al-Qadeer. It may be understood from what we have said that she may go out to visit her parents and mahrams. According to the correct view, she may go out to visit her parents every week with or without his permission, and to visit her mahrams once every year with or without his permission. End quote from al-Bahr al-Raa’iq (4/212).
It says in al-Taaj wa’l-Ikleel ‘ala Matn al-Khaleel (Maaliki) (5/549): In al-‘Utbiyyah it says that the man has no right to prevent his wife from going out to the house of her father or brother, and a ruling to that effect should be issued against him, which is different from the view of Ibn Habeeb. Ibn Rushd said: This difference of opinion applies to a young woman who is trustworthy. As for the old woman there is no difference of opinion; she may visit her father and brother. As for a young woman who is not trustworthy, she is not allowed to go out. End quote.
I prefer to go with the Hanafi and Maliki version thank you.
You are right, it does say that but it also says that if her husband forbids her for no reason then she cannot disobey him. This is the part that disturbs me the most.
And about Hanafi and Maliki business, this same sites gives a fatwa that if the husband follows a particular madhab and the wife follows another then the wife has to follow the husband's madhab in matters of marital relations. So what if the wife is Hanafi and the husband is Shaafi?
Re: My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
KC- you go girl
No mention of any of this in quran,
I refuse to buy in hadeeth that seem off
they appear to reflect the cultural norms of the era they were compiled in...much after the passing of the prophet and they dont add up.
my prescription for the bhai sahab and the imaam stand.
Re: My bff's husband prevents her from socializing or intermingliing with relatives
^ agreed... All these dot com mullahs and their fast food variety fatwas have completely overshadowed a very simple deen. Use your noggins people and stop buying into all these fools who are trying to one up eachother with obscure and unsubstantiated hadeeths that can be interpreted a million ways to Sunday
And about Hanafi and Maliki business, this same sites gives a fatwa that if the husband follows a particular madhab and the wife follows another then the wife has to follow the husband's madhab in matters of marital relations. So what if the wife is Hanafi and the husband is Shaafi?
You need to stop focusing on fatwas that hold no meaning whatsoever. Focus on the fundamentals of Islam and like KC and X2 said, these so called fatwas are just not compatible with what has been stated in the Quran and the authentic Hadiths. These fatwas are man made and often delivered by men who need their manhood validated by spewing such bakwaas. I refuse to believe that even the Shaafi and Hanbali schools of thought have condoned such bizarre behavior. These are just words off the Internet that someone is writing. You should know better than to get your Islamic knowledge off some random Internet fatwas. Ask yourself this: how can anyone stop you from seeing your parents when time and again Quran has ordained you to take care of them. And no, Quran has not differentiated between men and women in that regard.
It seems that you don't want to acknowledge how ridiculous the husband and the Imam are being when the truth is that their actions and statements have absolutely nothing to do with Islam!
