Re: My baby's 1st b-day
Yes it is an overreaction. I don't care about the fact that he stays at her house. He is staying at his son's and daughter-in-law's place. That is their own personal matter.
What bothers me, is the use of words when describing something.
What Chameli said is not the same as hitting.
I agree and disagree.
Yes, chameli's initial description of him "hitting" her child is wrong. The FIL is not beating this child. But you can't negate the fact that he is "swatting" the child in anger to discipline a less than one-year baby. That is not done.
At that masoom age, you do not swat a child in anger, you reprimand a baby with stern words and discipline. If a child is shown anger and physical aggression - then that is what they learn and that is how they will deal issues. That child will learn to swat back when they're angry and thus the cycle begins.
So yes, the FIL is in the wrong for his actions.
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
See from hitting we went to thapki. We are almost there, hang on.
Now the gussay mein baat karte hue. Could you explain that a little more/
ghusse se thapki maarna is hitting..or call it whatever you want to..in any case it shouldnt be done to baby under 1 yr!!!
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
I agree and disagree.
Yes, chameli's initial description of him "hitting" her child is wrong. The FIL is not beating this child. But you can't negate the fact that he is "swatting" the child in anger to discipline a less than one-year baby. That is not done.
At that masoom age, you do not swat a child in anger, you reprimand a baby with stern words and discipline. If a child is shown anger and physical aggression - then that is what they learn and that is how they will deal issues. That child will learn to swat back when they're angry and thus the cycle begins.
So yes, the FIL is in the wrong for his actions.
I might have missed it, but where did she state that he does it to discipline the baby?
Now I am sure OP will come back saying that that is exactly what he does, hitting her to discipline her.
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
FIL was invited by us to come over in February. he came over as a guest and has stayed here for several months and recently he declared that he is not gonna go back to his house which is in another city meaning that he is planning to live with us from now on.
Let me ask you something......what is your HUSBAND's reaction to all this? Your FIL declaring that he intends to plan on staying with you guys permanently without his wife (ie. your MIL).....how did your husband react to it?
You said you discussed your FIL disciplining your child (hitting/slapping/thappar whatever) with your husband. What was your husband's reaction to that?
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
I might have missed it, but where did she state that he does it to discipline the baby?
Now I am sure OP will come back saying that that is exactly what he does, hitting her to discipline her.
well I dont know where I stated it but thats what happens here...
Re: My baby’s 1st b-day
And you miss, are losing credibility with every post of yours.
Yeah, hate me as much as you want for saying it or for sounding harsh.
Anyways, good luck with it all :k:
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
fil begum se root kay apnay maika aye huay hain... get ure mil to come and manaa him.. they go back.. and u invite whoever u want to the bday...
and if anyone acts out of line.. get your hsuband do deal with his mother. simple? yes it is. try it... about time husband took some of the burden on his shoulders too.. his crazy mom.. he gets to deal with it. why u?
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
I might have missed it, but where did she state that he does it to discipline the baby?
Now I am sure OP will come back saying that that is exactly what he does, hitting her to discipline her.
Um, here:
In urdu I would have said ke wo mere baby ko thapki maarte hai.
not thappar but thapki...aur wo bhi ghusse me baat karte hue
Does it make you happy to see that she had previously mentioned it and isn't just making it up to justify her anger at her FIL's actions?
You seem to want to prove that the FIL's actions are okay and that it's all in jest and therefore should be acceptable. It's not. Our elders are capable of making mistakes and we have a right to tell them what we will or will not accept for our children.
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
Um, here:
Does it make you happy to see that she had previously mentioned it and isn't just making it up to justify her anger at her FIL's actions?
You seem to want to prove that the FIL's actions are okay and that it's all in jest and therefore should be acceptable. It's not. Our elders are capable of making mistakes and we have a right to tell them what we will or will not accept for our children.
Yes, she mentioned it, after you posted about it :)
No, i am not saying that elders can't make any mistakes. Neither am I saying that she should find it acceptable. I clearly mentioned that before. If she does not like it, she can say to him: "Abba jaan, munni ko thapki na maara karain"
But yes, I do dislike it when people tell half stories.
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
Chameli, I get that you seem to have a passive personality but when you have kids, you need to become more assertive unless you want your child to turn out exactly like you. If you don't have a backbone, then your child will be exactly the same. Do you want that for your child?
Start being more assertive. If you want a party, then throw a party. Your FIL is entitled to his opinion, but you are the child's mother. Frankly, I am surprised you don't say anything when he swats your child. "Please don't" is not being assertive enough if you don't see the desired result. Mothers are supposed to be lions when it comes to our cubs .... where is your inner lion?
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
My husband is working voertime thse days not home at all during our wakeup hours. we ahrdly meet him until his deadline in a few weeks.
I did speak to him a few days ago when he came a bit earlier. He seemed surprised. I asked him to speak to his dad when he has the chance. Specially if he sees it happening in front of him.
Hubby is pappas boy, feels sorry for his dad's miserable life with his mother and says that FIL has never been so happy as he is now staying with us.
He just laughed when FIL announced that he isnt going back to his house, and he says that this is perfect for his dad staying with us and enjoying the baby growing up.
On top of all this stuff, FIL seems to have sociophoia so he starts behaving weird when there are other ppl around. I havent had any visitors for months and been to any family gathering.
I souldnt blame anyone else. I guess I have let others have too much influence...but then again I havent slept properly for a year now and am totally wacko!!!baby bioy still wakes up 3 times during the night and I am about to collapse!!!!in aidditon to my own bad health and vitamin deficiences effecting my energy level....
I dont know where to start soling the problems....husband will be 100 % availble from a few weeks and I do expect him to deal with things but the soft corner for his dad makes him stop..
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
how is it he doesnt' "let you" talk about buying a bigger place? Will he be paying for anything if you move?
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
how is it he doesnt' "let you" talk about buying a bigger place? Will he be paying for anything if you move?
In the sense that he wont let us discuss the topic. I hardly get any time with hubby.FIL is always around. so whenever I have said that it will be nice to move to a bigger place he immidiately interrupts saying koi zarurat nahin aap logo ko...aap ka standard bohat high hai.u dont need a bigger place.
Its not that he litereally stops us from buying a new place but his reactions are show stoppers.
he wont be paying as far as i know. but since he declared to stay with us and I am off from work without any pay I hope and expect taht he will be willing to share living costs if not the housecosts...however I feel much more free when noone else is involved in our finances!!!
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
Chameli, I get that you seem to have a passive personality but when you have kids, you need to become more assertive unless you want your child to turn out exactly like you. If you don't have a backbone, then your child will be exactly the same. Do you want that for your child?
Start being more assertive. If you want a party, then throw a party. Your FIL is entitled to his opinion, but you are the child's mother. Frankly, I am surprised you don't say anything when he swats your child. "Please don't" is not being assertive enough if you don't see the desired result. Mothers are supposed to be lions when it comes to our cubs .... where is your inner lion?
agree. its due to a lot of factors that I ahve become like this...I wasnt like this but over the years something has happened to me and I dont like this development.
how do I get more assertive??
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
Be more consciously aware of yourself, your own thoughts and reactions. Stop and constantly think about what you are doing, why you are doing it, what you are saying and why you are saying it.
It's natural and comfortable to be passive since you are so used to it. You need to get out of your comfort zone of being passive and blaming everybody else. Take responsibility for yourself and for your child. Your child is dependent on you, not your FIL. You are the parent, not your FIL.
Lack of sleep, having no energy, these are just excuses.
You have a voice. Use it.
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
Can i borrow some money from you?
PS: trust me, we celebrate first 2..3..4 birthdays just for ourself. Kids have no idea whats going on. Its only after rd year or so that they want to celebrate it.
Re: My baby's 1st b-day
Am sorry but the way you put it both your MIL and FIL have issues! And you really need to get back on your feet for your child at least.