are muslims allowed to love someone before marrrying them. i mean the feelings that one develops for someone {non-muslim also} will inturn give the muslim gunnah in his/her nama-e-ammal for being led astray by the cursed shaitaan.
let’s take the case with southern asians here, most or some of em’ meet up with families see the boy/girl and marry em’ some have em’ arranged, where is love here??? what marry then love ki bhad mein soochna, love ko ahista sai develop karna what joke!!! ? what if you have strong feelings for a non-muslim but becoz of your religion {islam] you hold back and stay mumm and are confused in deciding the next move. so was wondering if some meaningful replies could help me sort my confusion. *
hmm ok u know very well im not "up there" with being a good muslim (in ur eyes) but im gonna post neways
i dont think there is anyting wrong with loving someone before marriage as long as ur not committing any physical sin, i dont see any problem with it.. to love someone means u care for them, u look out for them and so on.. ur not wishing anything bad upon them.. how can it be a bad thing?
true we don't see eye2eye on certain matters BUT It's allah's job to decide who is a good muslim and who isn't not mine. i'm a mere servant of allah not a saint don't make much of what i say, i don't remember calling you a bad muslim btw.
I am assuming you are talking about having pre-marital love affairs with girls. Well, the thing is being a good muslim you should neither be looking at na-mehram girls unnecessarily much less talking to them a lot, so falling in love is quite difficult (if not unimaginable).
Once you are of marrying age, and are seriously looking to find a girl to get married, then you can use any of the permitted sharaye'e methods to find a spouse; including through family, friends, net-working events, masjid etc.
to be completely honest GGG, i think its not Islamically right to have FEELINGS for someone before marriage. its prolly a form of zina, though a very mild one. you should not be thinking about someone in that way unless you're married to them.
in fact it is harmful because once u develop feelings for someone u r not able to analyse them objectively and decide if they truly have the characteristics ur spouse shud have.
you can like someone's personality and habits from an objective point of view, but if ur eemaan is strong, u shud be able to keep ur FEELINGS/EMOTIONS at bay.
it is very difficult to interact with the opposite gender and not develop feelings, as after all its the way we've been made by Allah swt. Thats why Islam has prohibited free mixing as well.
Plus won't it be unfair to the person whom u ultimately do marry if u have already had feelings for someone in the past. its a betrayal of sorts.
Ofcourse you can have feelings for somebody before marriage.Its just that one should have such feelings for a potential spouse .If you plan to seriously do something and marry the person, whats wrong in having feelings for them?
[QUOTE] Originally posted by Muslim_Queen: *
Ofcourse you can have feeling for somebody before marriage.Its just that one should have such feelings for a *potential spouse .If you plan to seriously do something and marry the person, whats wrong in having feelings for them?
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Exactly. It's not as if you just jump the ship and say oops I can't have feelings for this person. It's only common sense that you take everything into consideration before getting married, so if you're looking for a potential spouse with the RIGHT intention then I don't see anything wrong with developing feelings at all. By intention I mean you actually will marry the person you have feelings for not just play around. Ofcourse, there are limits involved, like I would say anything physical would be out of the question.
M_Q, skhan, but sometimes you dont end up getting married to that person, then?
i have a friend who's been engaged to someone for 8 yrs, and subhanallah every time they were abt to get married there was a hurdle in the way, bas Allah ki taraf se.
just a month before the wedding, they r not getting married anymore. they're cousins btw, and due to some family feud they r not getting married.
my friend is a good religious girl mashallah. she never got emotionally attached to that guy even though they were to get married. never interacted with him too much.
its the best for her now: saves her from heartache plus she's not 'given of herself emotionally' to someone else and she's 'all there' for her eventual spouse.
i think thats the islamically correct way. seems to be the right and pure way to me. coz there's no GUARANTEE that even if u like each other or r even engaged u WILL still get married. NIKAH is the thing that defines everything. before NIKAH, imo, there should be no FEELINGS in the picture.
ofcourse it would take someone with a solid EEMAAN to achieve that.
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*Originally posted by irem: *
M_Q, skhan, but sometimes you dont end up getting married to that person, then?
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I kinda lost track of this argument in the example. So the person(s) developed feelings of like/love about another person and then they could not get married, for whatever reason. That is a problem because....?
Irem I mean to say, that when I plan to get married, I will have feelings for him before the actual marriage.I dont plan to have a physical relationship with him, but I do plan to get to know him.Im not going to be fooling around, I will do this only when I decide I might actually marry him.Theres no guarantee that a marriage will last.I think that getting to know a person is better before marriage, rather than afterwards.Isnt it better that the engagement breaks off rather then the marriage? Isnt it better to find out what the other person is like before marriage, rather then finding out that the two people werent meant to be- after the marriage?
Faisal bhai I added some parts to my post, if you read it again you'll see what I'm saying I think.
M_Q, "get to know": this is a sham. You can never REALLY get to know someone unless you live with them. You can know factual things like "do they pray 5 times a day? do they smoke? drink?" but you can't know personality traits to the extent where you can predict future behavior in specific circumstances. A person, without intending to, can be completely different before and after marriage, because the rishta changes. I mean, we're all different with our friends, our family members, our workmates are we not?
BTW yaar, its guaranteed that some disagreements will occur after marriage, I mean two people never agree 100% of the time. But the point of the marriage is that they've commmitted to solving everything and living together.
I guess we need to redefine "feelings" here. By feelings if you mean thinking that the person is a good person and generally being comfortable around them and enjoying their company and having respect for them, thats fine. By "feelings" I meant the bollywood type of feelings like "i cant live without you and i think of you night and day" etc.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
M_Q, skhan, but sometimes you dont end up getting married to that person, then?
i have a friend who's been engaged to someone for 8 yrs, and subhanallah every time they were abt to get married there was a hurdle in the way, bas Allah ki taraf se.
just a month before the wedding, they r not getting married anymore. they're cousins btw, and due to some family feud they r not getting married.
my friend is a good religious girl mashallah. she never got emotionally attached to that guy even though they were to get married. never interacted with him too much.
its the best for her now: saves her from heartache plus she's not 'given of herself emotionally' to someone else and she's 'all there' for her eventual spouse.
i think thats the islamically correct way. seems to be the right and pure way to me. coz there's no GUARANTEE that even if u like each other or r even engaged u WILL still get married. NIKAH is the thing that defines everything. before NIKAH, imo, there should be no FEELINGS in the picture.
ofcourse it would take someone with a solid EEMAAN to achieve that.
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Nowhere in Islam does it say you are not supposed to have feelings for the person you marry, infact it is encouraged that both woman and man involved are not forced into anything and are "happy" with the arrangement.
As for not being able to marry, well that's just a once in a million thing, that's like saying what if the person dies before the wedding? You gave the example of family feud, it strikes me very odd that a girl would have an 8 year commitment with a guy and yet have no feelings for him. Very strange indeed. As long as you have good intentions I say just go ahead with it. Isn't everything God's will anyway?
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
Faisal bhai I added some parts to my post, if you read it again you'll see what I'm saying I think.
M_Q, "get to know": this is a sham. You can never REALLY get to know someone unless you live with them. You can know factual things like "do they pray 5 times a day? do they smoke? drink?" but you can't know personality traits to the extent where you can predict future behavior in specific circumstances. A person, without intending to, can be completely different before and after marriage, because the rishta changes. I mean, we're all different with our friends, our family members, our workmates are we not?
BTW yaar, its guaranteed that some disagreements will occur after marriage, I mean two people never agree 100% of the time. But the point of the marriage is that they've commmitted to solving everything and living together.
I guess we need to redefine "feelings" here. By feelings if you mean thinking that the person is a good person and generally being comfortable around them and enjoying their company and having respect for them, thats fine. By "feelings" I meant the bollywood type of feelings like "i cant live without you and i think of you night and day" etc.
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You are perfectly right, you can never know a person fully before marriage. But atleast you should have some sort of instinct or gut feeling about the person after having met and conversed with them. This is not like buying a computer, just check the specifications and there you go. I would go as far as to say since you are meeting for the purpose of marriage, a life long bond, there have to be some sort of attraction. Would really be sad to just see people marry because Ammi Abu said so.
skhan, well she knew whats right and whats wrong and she exercised SELF CONTROL over her thoughts and feelings for those 8 yrs, and thats what Islam is all about, jihad-e-nafs.
and its not that odd. there are many broken love affairs, broken engagements.
and my last reply to MQ, answers the first part of your post
You are perfectly right, you can never know a person fully before marriage. But atleast you should have some sort of instinct or gut feeling about the person after having met and conversed with them. This is not like buying a computer, just check the specifications and there you go. I would go as far as to say since you are meeting for the purpose of marriage, a life long bond, there have to be some sort of attraction. Would really be sad to just see people marry because Ammi Abu said so.
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skhan i agree it shouldnt be just coz ammi abu said so. definitely they should meet etc. but extensive periods of 'getting to know the other person' and developing bollywood style feelings is not right imho.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
skhan, well she knew whats right and whats wrong and she exercised SELF CONTROL over her thoughts and feelings for those 8 yrs, and thats what Islam is all about, jihad-e-nafs.
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Now wait a minute. There is a difference between exercising self control over emotions and feelings and not having feelings at all. Ofcourse before marriage there are limits on expressing feelings. As for the 8 year engagement thing, yes there are broken love affairs etc. but that's exactly my point. There is usually some sort of thing that binds two people together. Why 2 people would waste 8 years of their lives when they don't care about each other is a mystery to me.
I guess it's all a matter of perception. Some people have different comfort zones, some people have different attitudes. Whatever rocks your boat :)
and it doesnt have to be FEELINGS that bind two ppl together. it could also be a SENSE OF COMMITMENT which is there coz thats the right thing to do. FEELINGS should enter after the NIKAH as i said.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
skhan it was an arranged engagement.
and it doesnt have to be FEELINGS that bind two ppl together. it could also be a SENSE OF COMMITMENT which is there coz thats the right thing to do. FEELINGS should enter after the NIKAH as i said.
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The right thing to do, then why not marry any other guy off the street? How is that not the right thing to do? If he is a good Muslim, settled etc. then what's the difference? A marriage is just not simply the right thing to do, there is much more to it than that. Yes, there are Islamic rules of going about it but as long as there is no physical or explicit contact before the Nikah, I don't see how those Islamic rules are being violated.
Like I said, everyone is different, if someone can make a commitment on their marriage solely on because its the right thing to do then more power to them :)
? what if you have strong feelings for a non-muslim but becoz of your religion {islam] you hold back and stay mumm and are confused in deciding the next move. so was wondering if some meaningful replies could help me sort my confusion. *
khayr, this discussion is gona go for ages, but i see where you are coming from :k: