Me and husband are married since 2 years and just had a baby. All of his family lives back home and we live at walking distance from my parents home. My husband is very sensitive person and minds small (and obviously big) things. We have had issues before, regarding my sister, brother or mum saying small things to him which anyone would have ignored but he found them rude and have had a fight over them with me. I have in dabbay lafzon and openly told my sister and mum to not say stuff to him, but my mum still say something or the other which infuriates him. My mother specifically want him to help me in household chores especially after we have had a baby so we can divide the responsibilities, and that he fully take over buying the soda sulf. But since he has the typical male ego, he doesnt want to be dictated by me or my mum in dividing the household responsibilities. We had a huge fight over this. So i decided that neither he goes to my mums house nor she comes over when he is home. Now there is a tension at both sides. Tomorrow im going to mums place and i know i’ll fight with mum why she has to be so bossy and want him to do what she wants.
How do i make things right at both ends? I love my husband, i know he has some issues but still .
you need to tell your mom that she needs to stop saying him stuff and let youboth figure out/decide how you will run the home, raise the kid etc. it is important that her sil respects her and it is imp for him to feel that she respects him as well.
rest, you need to figure out with your hubby to share responsibilities.
The best would be for your mother or any other family member to stay out of your domestic affairs.
Imagine if your MIL was telling you to do something rather than your spouse.You wouldn't be too happy,most probably.
Adults usually do not like dictations.Discuss with your husband what needs to be done for the chores and other stuff around the house.He would be more willing to do it if you ask him rather than someone else.
Hopefully the tension will settle down and not escalate further.All the best...!
You need to have a clear discussion on this with your mom , I am not saying that she is wrong but considering the sensitive nature that your husband has you need to communicate to her clearly that she has to be very very formal with your husband.
U should talk to ur mother to stop interfering in ur home issues,tell her its affecting ur martied life,(politely)she should not be telling ur husband or you for that matter ur married,and it will only increase differences between u and ur hubby,no man wants to be dictated by his MIL,everything will settle with time but if ur mom interrupts then things will get difficult to handle...
I think that your mum and sister need to stop interfering in your marital life. It is ok for you and your husband to argue as you will make up again. However he will not be very forgiving if your mum and sister argues with him and dicates how to run his marriage and life.
1) STOP discussing your marital problems with your mother and sister since in your situation, they're clearly making things worse for you. If you need to vent about your husband.....talk to a friend. But don't share ANYTHING negative about your husband/marriage with your mother and sister at this point.
2) You need to tell your family (mother, sister, and brother) politely BUT firmly that they need to treat your husband with respect at all times. You also need to let them know firmly but politely that they are NOT to dictate your husband and tell him how to behave in the marriage. You need to let them know that as much as you love them and want them to be a part of your life.....you also have a child to think about. Let them know that you will not allow them to poison your relationship with the father of your child.
3) I completely agree with your decision to stop all contact between your husband and your mother/sister for now. Until you are absotely convinved that mother and sister will keep their mouths shut and treat your husband with respect......keep her away from him.
4) Even when your husband is not there.....you need to make sure that YOU don't sit there and allow them to bad-mouth your husband. The minute your mother or sister says something negative about your husband, immediately get up and tell them that you're not going to tolerate it and leave the situation. Don't argue or turn it into a discussion. Simply let them know firmly that you will not stay in a situation where you're forced to hear negative things about your husband.
Imagine if the roles were reversed and your MIL keeps giving you instructions. Won't you feel annoyed and angry?
If you feel your hubby should help out more, you should tell him, but your mom needs to stop doing this.
most mothers treat their damaads like The king of persia, and wouldnt dream of asking them to even wipe their own @rse when they do a poo-poo. in fact my own mother would say haan beta tum uski @rse saaf kar lo na, woh tumhara shohor hai, adaab karo when he comes into the room and just be damn grateful someone married u...
see, the above is a general mother in law-damaad kinda outlook. my mil literally worships hers.
so ur mother is brave and i give her the thumbs up....
ur husband is just a baby, seriously, he should respect shes an elder, like his mum, and no need to fight with ur mother in law. thas disrespectful. my mil says whaever to me, i can answer back, yet i have never RAISED my voice let alone had a fight. you seem to blame ur mum more than ur husbands childishness.
ur husband is just a baby, seriously, he should respect shes an elder, like his mum, and no need to fight with ur mother in law. thas disrespectful. my mil says whaever to me, i can answer back, yet i** have never RAISED my voice let alone had a fight**.
Nadz, can you please quote the line where OP wrote that her HUSBAND fought with her mother? Where exactly did OP write that her husband raised his voice to her mother?
How would you like if your MIL started telling you how to handle her son? Run your house? Raise your kids?
Your mother has the best intentions at heart but she needs to stop meddling in your married affairs. No man/woman likes or wants that. All marriages have problems. Some have big ones and some have small ones. This would not have been a big deal but your mom getting in the middle is now making it a big deal.
You also need to stop telling her stuff. Stop making him look bad in front of your mom. When things calm down, you can ask him to help you a little bit. At that point, he will know its not coming from your mother. Its coming from you. He may change. But your mom is actually erasing all possibilities of that happening :(
I wasn't giving advice I do think a husband should help out but I don't think its entirely her mothers fault for intruding into their private matters.
How would she have known what her husband does unless her daughter told her? Do you really think the mother just decided that "oh I'll annoy the heck out of my son in law today"
I mean really its naive to think that she wouldn't have butt in when in her mind her daughter is helpless.
A sensible married lady would KNOW to not NOT talk about her married life to her overprotective mother who she's known for her entire life. She let her mother in and didn't set boundaries.
My advice would be as the others have said to tell her RESPECTFULLY to not talk to your husband and that because you are a married woman you need to fight your own battles.
Your mother will always want to solve your problems because you are her daughter. You have to decide if you want to grow up or not.
To me it seems like your husband is creating unnecessary friction between you and your family.
If he is hyper sensitive to all small things, he needs grow up. Respect, love and honour your husband and respect, honour and love your mother. They each have a valuable place in your life. Your mother will be the first to take a bullet for you rather than your over sensitive husband.
Your husband should be your companion in life and if you and your family have to walk around egg shells just to satisfy his sensitiveness, he wouldn't be a kind and loving husband.
My husband and I have an understanding that we need to be patient and overlook small discrepancies in in law family relations but if one of us feels that someone has crossed the line we look at the status of that person, are they an elder (mother / father) or equal (brother / sister), and treat the situation together.
I believe slowly your family will back away from being totally comfortable in and around you and your husbands presence because they have to keep themselves in check, for your husband. The visits will become shorter and infrequent and you would have created distance between you and your family.
I was always given advice and info all the time from everyone and instead of taking it personally I took it with a grain of salt.
This will snowball into bigger things. Sit your husband down and let him know is he aware of his behavior and how it affects you.
He is the Amir of your family he should lead by example!
