Re: Mum and husband issues
Best thing is to never discuss your marital issues with your parents unless you're looking to leave your partner....
Re: Mum and husband issues
Thankyou guys for your replies!!!
Yesterday i told my mum very strictly to let us deal with our problems ourselves. Nobody is perfect and it takes time to change a person, changes cannot happen overnight, and that its me who should change him not anyone else. Same as i would not like any inteference from my MIL. She understood and said she only want the best for me. She is right in her own way, its natural that she is being protective about me and all. The reason why it flared up was 5-6 days ago we were at my mums place and were talking about something when husband said, meray ooper shaitan chaya rehta hai and we fight a lot and oh i cant bring soda sulf all by myself i get shoulder pain, she has to bring it too we divide that task as well. This really upset my mum. I just stopped the discussion there before it went any further as i knew this could lead to arguements. I have no idea why he said that because as soon as we left mums place he said i didnt mean it! wth!
Anyways i cleared things up yesterday. And when my mum came half way to hand me over to my husband he was coming home from somewhere and it was cold and dark so i need to be handed over. My husband didnt come forward, he hid somewhere so he doesnt have to face my mum and sent me msg come without anyone. So my mum who was coming to say salam to to ease tings out , went away. This again led to a heated discussion between me and husband. grrrrr... i hated him for this. I tought salam dua would be good, eid is coming and didnt want the whole family to see the drama. Anyways, my mum called him today and they sorted things out. So hopefully everythings normal. Ive decided he wont be going to my mums place as often as before, better to have a distance now. Damaad should be a damaad not a son.
People who thought i was telling my marital details to my mum. Never! I dont discuss my married life with my mum. Whatever she said to him was based on her observation. He is a bit anti-social, over sensitive, fussy etc.. this worries my mum obviously. He has told the whole story, the whole drama to his sister on skype. Dont think she thinks very highly of me now. He is getting lessons on being a majazi khuda and a hukmaran :S well well. She also said that me and my mum are trying to make her brother a ghulam since he has no one in this country. Now this brings up other issues!!!
I'll just pray and try that he changes over the years inshallah, and he has changed a bit in the last two years that we have been together. I want the best for my baby, a strong father who can be a role model for him.
Re: Mum and husband issues
DQ: I'm glad things seem to be calmer now. Few thoughts on what you wrote above:
1) Yesterday was too soon for you to expect your husband to pretend that everything is "normal" with your mom. You already know that he's sensitive! Give him some time to sort out his own emotions. He needs time to see that your mother isn't going to try to control him anymore. And this may not happen by Eid....so again, be prepared for that.
2) I think it's a wise decision to keep some distance between your husband and mom for now. Again, BOTH of them need time to get over their past issues, and also adjust to behaving in a different way.
3) Let your mom and other family members know that if they ever have any concerns about your husband's behavior....then they need to discuss that with YOU privately. Once again, everyone already knows that he's sensitive. Moving forward, your family should be aware of the fact that THEM telling him to change something will only make things worse.
4) Last thing.....I sincerely believe that your "goal" of changing your husband will only lead to stress/tension/drama in your marriage. You say he's anti-social, over sensitive, fussy etc.......well guess what......that's who he is! How would you feel if he started trying to change your personality? I don't think there is anything wrong with you trying to adjust certain behavior, and encourage that he make some changes. It may happen....or it may not. But I get the impression from your post that changing him is something that you're focusing on a little too much. He's not perfect and has little personality glitches that probably annoys you. I don't know ANY wife who doesn't find certain characteristics of her husabnd annoying. For your own happiness and to keep peace in your marriage, I think you need to accept his personality imperfections such as being "fussy" or "over-sensitive". If he changes over the years....that's great. But please don't go on with the EXPECTATION that he will do it someday.
Re: Mum and husband issues
Thankyou guys for your replies!!!
Yesterday i told my mum very strictly to let us deal with our problems ourselves. Nobody is perfect and it takes time to change a person, changes cannot happen overnight, and that its me who should change him not anyone else. Same as i would not like any inteference from my MIL. She understood and said she only want the best for me. She is right in her own way, its natural that she is being protective about me and all. The reason why it flared up was 5-6 days ago we were at my mums place and were talking about something when husband said, meray ooper shaitan chaya rehta hai and we fight a lot and oh i cant bring soda sulf all by myself i get shoulder pain, she has to bring it too we divide that task as well. This really upset my mum. I just stopped the discussion there before it went any further as i knew this could lead to arguements. I have no idea why he said that because as soon as we left mums place he said i didnt mean it! wth!
Anyways i cleared things up yesterday. And when my mum came half way to hand me over to my husband he was coming home from somewhere and it was cold and dark so i need to be handed over. My husband didnt come forward, he hid somewhere so he doesnt have to face my mum and sent me msg come without anyone. So my mum who was coming to say salam to to ease tings out , went away. This again led to a heated discussion between me and husband. grrrrr... i hated him for this. I tought salam dua would be good, eid is coming and didnt want the whole family to see the drama. Anyways, my mum called him today and they sorted things out. So hopefully everythings normal. Ive decided he wont be going to my mums place as often as before, better to have a distance now. Damaad should be a damaad not a son.
People who thought i was telling my marital details to my mum. Never! I dont discuss my married life with my mum. Whatever she said to him was based on her observation. He is a bit anti-social, over sensitive, fussy etc.. this worries my mum obviously. He has told the whole story, the whole drama to his sister on skype. Dont think she thinks very highly of me now. He is getting lessons on being a majazi khuda and a hukmaran :S well well. She also said that me and my mum are trying to make her brother a ghulam since he has no one in this country. Now this brings up other issues!!!
I'll just pray and try that he changes over the years inshallah, and he has changed a bit in the last two years that we have been together. I want the best for my baby, a strong father who can be a role model for him.
I think his outbursts in front of your mother have nothing to do with you...its him lashing out at her because he knows she doesn't think highly of him. He's trying to defend himself but not doing a good job of it.
It also seems he is shy and not very social. People who don't know what to say or how to act often do things they normally wouldn't do.
He won't get his sister involved if he doesn't have to. I think he feels alone. Why does he feel alone in this? Why is he reaching out to his sister so he can have someone on his side?
Ease up the pressure, let him be himself and focus on your relationship with him. I think things will get much better if you just ignore everyone else and focus on the two of you as a couple. You should love him the way he is...and if he sees that...he will do his best to make you happy.
Re: Mum and husband issues
Nope. I think not. I think he is behaving like a bratty child. If my mum came out to say salaam and my husband didn't come forward regardless of his ego and fussiness, it would raise a huge red flag, and i would be livid, she is an elder. And he is not the only person that has feelings. I am so sorry for your situation, you are being manipulated and forced to give in to his ridicoulous behavior and you will because for your child. Your mum has the wisdom to see what is going on and unfortunately will have to see play out.
You cannot change anyone. Just focus on your health take care of your baby and let your husband know that you want it to work for the best and he needs to be willing to be a caring, considerate and kind husband.
I will pray for you!!
Enjoy the happy moments with your child, don't let his mood or fussiness overide your life!!
Re: Mum and husband issues
Your husband should not be so sensitive and your mother less intruding in your relationship with him. THE END
Re: Mum and husband issues
Thankyou guys for your replies!!!
Yesterday i told my mum very strictly to let us deal with our problems ourselves. Nobody is perfect and it takes time to change a person, changes cannot happen overnight, and that its me who should change him not anyone else. Same as i would not like any inteference from my MIL. She understood and said she only want the best for me. She is right in her own way, its natural that she is being protective about me and all. The reason why it flared up was 5-6 days ago we were at my mums place and were talking about something when husband said, meray ooper shaitan chaya rehta hai and we fight a lot and oh i cant bring soda sulf all by myself i get shoulder pain, she has to bring it too we divide that task as well. This really upset my mum. I just stopped the discussion there before it went any further as i knew this could lead to arguements. I have no idea why he said that because as soon as we left mums place he said i didnt mean it! wth!
Anyways i cleared things up yesterday. And when my mum came half way to hand me over to my husband he was coming home from somewhere and it was cold and dark so i need to be handed over. My husband didnt come forward, he hid somewhere so he doesnt have to face my mum and sent me msg come without anyone. So my mum who was coming to say salam to to ease tings out , went away. This again led to a heated discussion between me and husband. grrrrr... i hated him for this. I tought salam dua would be good, eid is coming and didnt want the whole family to see the drama. Anyways, my mum called him today and they sorted things out. So hopefully everythings normal. Ive decided he wont be going to my mums place as often as before, better to have a distance now. Damaad should be a damaad not a son.
People who thought i was telling my marital details to my mum. Never! I dont discuss my married life with my mum. Whatever she said to him was based on her observation. He is a bit anti-social, over sensitive, fussy etc.. this worries my mum obviously*. He has told the whole story, the whole drama to his sister on skype. Dont think she thinks very highly of me now. He is getting lessons on being a majazi khuda and a hukmaran :S well well. She also said that me and my mum are trying to make her brother a ghulam since he has no one in this country. Now this brings up other issues!!! * I'll just pray and try that he changes over the years inshallah, and he has changed a bit in the last two years that we have been together. I want the best for my baby, a strong father who can be a role model for him.
She is probably right since u urself have told ur mom not to be "bossy", means she thinks she can boss him around.
Re: Mum and husband issues
Amma baddi intrusive hain, amma jee sey kahein kay allah allah karein aur couple ko jeenay deyn :)
Re: Mum and husband issues
your mom has a point and husband has a point too.
after all she is your mom and she will want best for you...specially after the baby so perhaps from that point of view she thinks that your hubby should help.
on the other hand your loves you so i am sure he does not make you do anything tiring and if you ask him for help he will surely help.
its a matter btw you husband and wife so your mom interfering is wrong unless you were not happy or had issue with your hubby not helping.
i think the best would be to talk to your mother politely and calmly 'look mother i know you care about me thats why you say such stuff. but honestly i am happy. when you say such stuff it hurts him and when he is hurt i get hurt too. i love him but due all of this i will lose him. I want to create respect for you in his eyes please dont spoil it. i am living a very happy life with him and have no issues what so ever and if i have then i will surely let you know'
Re: Mum and husband issues
Your husband is new to this country, he is new to your family, so give it time and he will adjust iA its not hopeless.