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Just to let you in on a little secret of arranged introductions. The "other" sister gets to be carefree because there is no pressure or expectations on her to "perform" for the prospective rishta. The girl who's being "viewed" already feels self-conscious and on display. Being stern may actually be her being reserved.
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Sure, that might be a reason, but how can I tell for sure? I don't think the family will allow me to "date" their daughter for me to find out if she was just being self-conscious. I just have to keep it simple and work with what I see. Now there have also been couple of instances, when the girl seemed very responsive and confident. I feel whatever your true personality is, it will come across when I initally meet the girl.
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As for being more polished, don't know what to say about that except, it might be a matter of perception.
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Agreed. There are certain educational backgrounds that I would prefer my spouse to have.
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But all of that is beside the point. The issue is why can't you marry the younger one, when you went to see the older sister. Technically, there's no reason you can't other than it's a bit insensitive to tell a family that you found one of their daughters to be "lacking."
If you can take some time and re-approach the family a bit later by suggesting that you're more compatible with the younger sister, why not pursue it. As for getting married before the older sister, it's a social taboo that has no basis except for society then perceiving the older sister as lacking in some way and not being marriageable - are you willing to take on the world and say she's a great person, except you liked the younger sister better?
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That's a good idea on approaching them later. I also agree that it is a bit insensitive to ask for the "younger" daughter. That being said, I feel that we are grown-ups, so our feelings shouldn't get hurt just because someone may not happen to like us! I guess that just comes with maturity.
i agree...if choti wali is getting rishtas, parents should get her marry first.
bari wali will have a bigger pool to choose from ;) (cuz after chooti, she will be the only one left, if there is no more choti left)
but parents dont do it cuz people ask question that why is bari wali not getting marrying? does she have some problem? bla bla bla. i personally think older sister must encourage their parents that if they are getting some really good rishta and they are insisting on choti wali then they should go for it. as for the older sister, well jis ka jab naseeb hota hai, ho jati hai. fiker nawt!
i agree...if choti wali is getting rishtas, parents should get her marry first.
bari wali will have a bigger pool to choose from ;) (cuz after chooti, she will be the only one left, if there is no more choti left)
but parents dont do it cuz people ask question that why is bari wali not getting marrying? does she have some problem? bla bla bla. i personally think older sister must encourage their parents that if they are getting some really good rishta and they are insisting on choti wali then they should go for it. as for the older sister, well jis ka jab naseeb hota hai, ho jati hai. fiker nawt!
a voice of reason..that's what I have being trying to argue.
Happened to me four five times now where I have gone to see risha but I liked the younger sister. From the perspective of parents, why do they have to marry their girls in order? From an elder sister perspective, if your younger sister is getting good rishtas why stand in the way? i'd think she should be selfless and stand aside while the younger sis can get married.
As for me, tough luck i guess..
i'll say your parents should speak to her parents saying "that we would like our son to get married to your younger daughter however we will wait till your elder one gets married but rishta should be settled between our son and your daughter"...if you guys are ok waiting.
as for your question i think its a lot to do with society because usually or sometimes if the younger one gets married first then people comment like "oh how come she got married first...something must be worng with the elder one".
Sure, that might be a reason, but how can I tell for sure? I don't think the family will allow me to "date" their daughter for me to find out if she was just being self-conscious. I just have to keep it simple and work with what I see. Now there have also been couple of instances, when the girl seemed very responsive and confident. *I feel whatever your true personality is, it will come across when I initally meet the girl. *
Agreed. There are certain educational backgrounds that I would prefer my spouse to have.
That's a good idea on approaching them later. I also agree that it is a bit insensitive to ask for the "younger" daughter. That being said, I feel that we are grown-ups, so our feelings shouldn't get hurt just because someone may not happen to like us! I guess that just comes with maturity.
Ok, dude, first of all, you are not all that mature either. You know you won't be allowed to date their daughter, so why are you complaining? If you would rather date, then go DATE and not be an a**hole towards people who invite you to their place so that they can [possibly] invite you to their lives.
If you were all that mature as you think the older sisters should be, you would know a little about human beings. You would try to learn about how it feels when a girl gets a rishta. At the very least, you would try to respect her and not judge her based on her natural situational nervousness. You would understand that it is hurtful when you're rejected for someone else (even if it's your sister) and make sure you approach the situation in the least hurtful manner. You have failed at all of those.
I would suggest you work on your maturity before you point fingers at others :). And specially do so before getting married. Please.
lol fair to say there are plenty of "older" sisters on gs
Give the guy a break, this is how the desi marriage system works, it is innately offensive and insensitive. If you're not thick skinned you're going to end up emotionally scarred by the time it's all said and done.
To the topic at hand, this whole process of marrying in order is definitely up there in terms of stupid desi traditions. Everyone's kismat is different, since when is life supposed to so orderly and straight forward? Also, why punish someone for having a sister whose life is on a different schedule?
Are you an oldest siblling, Hot Tea? I find that often two older sibs are not attracted to each other. There are often personality clashes.
I do think that what others said about the anxiety associated with the rishta process is a big deal. What do you do about it? After the initial meeting, ask to meet the girl in a different kind of setting. Go out for lunch/coffee. or somewhere different where its just the two of you, or a younger group at least.
nice idea but has a big potential for it to backfire. What if the “elder sister” for whatever reason can’t get married in the near future? mein tou phir bhi atka reh gaya na or ill have to become part-time rishta maasi to find a guy for the elder sis
Are you an oldest siblling, Hot Tea? I find that often two older sibs are not attracted to each other. There are often personality clashes.
I do think that what others said about the anxiety associated with the rishta process is a big deal. What do you do about it? After the initial meeting, ask to meet the girl in a different kind of setting. Go out for lunch/coffee. or somewhere different where its just the two of you, or a younger group at least.
only problem that some conservative families might not be open to that plus who knows the girl still might be "self conscious" and it might take multiple meetings for her to open up. Unsure if its worth the time necessarily since I suppose I can easily move on to some other rishta. But I agree - meeting the girl alone or in some other less intimdating scene is the best way fwd.
^ another angle that I didn't think abt earlier is what if the girl just isnt interested? maybe that's why she's aloof. Either she's being forced to marry or conversely she doesn't like me. In those cases, just going "out" with her isn't even an option.
Ugh this damn process sucks. Can't wait for it to get over.
Good question. In those instances, the looks weren't all that different (afterall they are sisters!) but I just felt the younger ones had a more polished educational background and seemed to have a more outgoing/bubbly personality. On the other hand, the older ones seemed lethargic and stern even.
As alreayd Sehrysh has cleared my point that bari wali is self conscious and little bit scared because she is the one who could be rejected or accepted by you. Choti wali is all friendly and talkative because she is seeing you as her propective JIJU. Another reason could be that younger ones are more fun loving and bubbly type generally. The reason is that elder ones have pressure from their family to behave in certain way to be an example for younger ones (in some families) so they have sober personality.
AS far as numerical order is concerned, it irritates me as well when i see in some families that they don't prefer to marry their younger daughters first. In my own family my elder sister got more proposals then eldest one so she got married first. My eldest sister was very cool and encouraging about this matter. She didn't complain. My mother didn't think "Log kia kahein gaye". She said "jis ka acha rishta araha hai us ki ker dena aqalmandi hai" In fact I have seen in some families where people don't wait for eldest one to get married first and after years of wait they realize that now their younger daughters has no more good rishtas as well and at that time they repent their decision. Parents should consider good proposal either it is for younger one or eldest one.
But it becomes awkward when people come to see bari wali and like choti wali. Have you ever thought about the rejected one's feeling. how will she feel? she can lose her self confidence and become more self conscious. Who knows before you how many times she has been rejected by people who likes her younger sister and that's why she is so self conscious. If you felt her pain you would not complain about this. No wonder people hide their younger daughters when proposal comes for elder ones.
desi men love marrying women half their age. stop checking everyone out.