moving on?

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: moving on?

Yes, so true, ufsana.

Accepting another Pakistani as a second husband isn't appealing either once you are divorced, seeing the nasty mentality of so many fellow Pakistanis as far as divorcees are concerned . . . Add to that the fact that even being married off as a virgin didn't result in a nice treatment, just think what most of them would do when they marry you as a divorcee . . . If they already mistreated us while we were virgins, why would marriage be better as a divorcee?

Of course they're not all nasty. There are still nice people too, somewhere, probably, I hope. And I've heard and read stories of divorcees who did have a better second marriage. So it's still possible for those who want it and decide to take the risk.

Despite the shame and scandal put on me by my relatives after my divoce, I've had some marriage proposals from some Pakistani people, in the years after my divorce, one was a cousin from Pakistan, the others were not related Pakistanis, but not many, just a few. Most people who asked me to marry them or to go out with them, have been non-Pakistanis.

I still chose to remain single. I'm happy with my life as it is, well, a few adjustments and changes would be nice as not all is great at the moment, but that's life for everyone. Overall I'm happy and anyone who wants to hate me and insult me, go on, I've become used to that after receiving that for more than 10 years now. All that insult and hate directed towards me because of my life style still doesn't change the fact that most of my life I'm happy and enjoying reading, raising my children who are doing well, writing, watching figure skating and movies, visiting interesting places, etc. It doesn't stop my life.

42

Re: moving on?

Sahdia, did you get support from the younger members of your family when you were going thru the divorce?

My brother's divorced and so were a couple of my aunts and uncles.. Because my mum's siblings had gone thru it in the last generation our family is quite accepting of it.. My brother's divorce was finalised last spring, he hasn't remarried but is looking.. He's had proposals but says he wants to find someone on his own.. Not sure about his ex, we were told she wants to wait longer to marry again and is making her career her priority.. She's 30ish and not in any hurry but she also chose not to move back in with her parents so there's probably less pressure on her anyway..

43

Re: moving on?

Some cousins and my younger brother first showed some support, but not really openly. In the end, my younger brother still sided with my parents. I have a cousin who is divorced too, she had less trouble, because her parents have a slightly better mentality than mine. No matter what the rest of our family said, her parents didn't pressure her to return to him. They did first tell her not to leave the marriage, they did do these things too, but once they saw her unhappiness would remain, they decided to go against the wishes of the rest of the family and allowed her te leave him. A lot depends on how your own parents react and yes, siblings too.

44

Re: moving on?

my parents are also quite adamant that my next wife should be unmarried and not a divorcee. their logic states that people are experts in lying and manipulating the facts and we will have no way to know if what is being presented to us is true or not.

they agree that being divorced is not bad as such, but they need to be more careful now and having one bad experience means that we are going to avoid it altogether.

I am having a hard time in convincing them, but their risk aversion seems quite justified based on my past experience.

please take plenty of time and think a 1000 times before marrying someone. if God forbids it doesnt work out, then think 1 million times before opting out of a marriage. things can get ugly and life/society is never fair.

45

Re: moving on?

I get it but then someone could say the same thing about you as well.

You being a guy have a better chance of finding unmarried spouse compared to girls.

46

Re: moving on?

Meh

This whole thing about not knowing the truth about someone's past is over dramatized.

People who are divorced are on the same level as those who are not because most people these days have some sort of past. By past I don't mean a dark past but some sort of relationship behind them.

Blanket statements are a bad idea to make because you really have no idea where Allah swt has written your destiny and I don't see many differences between unmarried and divorced girls these days unless they have kids.

47

Re: moving on?

Sahdia77 - not only do we share a name but our stories are quite similar.

I had an arranged marriage (to my cousin) at 21. It was a disaster from the begining. I not only had problems with my husband but his family as well. 3 kids and 8 years later I decided to leave him and all hell broke loose. I had backlash from his family, my family and relatives living in Pakistan. I am a much happier person now even though my life is difficult working and being a single mom. My father wanted me to live with him and give my children to their rightful owner's (the Dadka) which is unaceptable for me. I have full custody of my children as their father did not want them and neither has the dadka spoken to them in several years. I have chosen not to remarry as my prioity is my children and did not want to bring a stepfather into the mix. My ex has also not remarried as he is not willing or capable (he is a drug addict). I have been shunned by many people in the desi community and I am okay with that as they do not have to live my life. I know what I went through and that my kids and I are better off, even though I left a so called respectable family with millions. The meaning of my life is so much more than just marriage and I want a better life for my children.

48

Re: moving on?

Yes, we do have some similarities, baji99. Some differences are that my ex did remarry. He remarried a namesake of mine from Pakistan and he's not a drug addict. He's too religious for that, but religious in a wrong way, he misuses religion to even justify his nasty actions.

Males get away even with nasty behaviour, they mostly easily rebuild their lives. Females can't even get away with normal behaviour. I've never done the nasty things my ex or other family members did, yet I'm the 'scandalous' one. I have a 'scandalous' reputation I don't even deserve, as my own deeds never supported my 'scandalous' reputation.

I agree with you that the meaning of life is indeed so much more than just marriage. I'm planning never to remarry until I die. I want to keep the peace I at least have now in my private life. So even after my children have their own life, I want to remain single. No matter what people outside my personal life say about me and do to me, at least my personal life is fine and I'm not risking losing that peace.

I hope your children will have a better life and that you'll remain happy too. And that perhaps one day society will change into something better so people like you and me and countless others in our situation won't have to deal with their nonsens after already having suffered so much during marriage!

49

Re: moving on?

I hope your children will have a better life and that you'll remain happy too. And that perhaps one day society will change into something better so people like you and me and countless others in our situation won't have to deal with their nonsens after already having suffered so much during marriage!
[/QUOTE]

Ameen and may Allah grant you and your children eternal happiness here and the afterlife.

My problem is now my daughter is 18 and everyone in the family thinks that thay have the right to choose where she will marry even though they did not look her way for years. I still have no rights regarding my children. I have told her it is HER choice and I will not force her. She is against marriage as she has serious trust issues because of her father. I want her to be happy, married with kids (not all men are bad) and know that I am always there for her. We'll wait and see what happens.

50

Re: moving on?

baji99, fight for the rights of your daughter.

I'm in the Netherlands, but if there is anything I can do, let me know. If needed, she's always welcome to stay here. Don't let anyone force her in a marriage against her will!

This is one of many reasons I have broken off the last shards of contact with my family. They have no saying in anything concerning the life of my children now. When I look at my children, it was especialy worth the fight. Knowing my sacrifices in life gave them the chances to make their own life decisions instead of having a miserable life too, gives me the strength to live on and be happy. It isn't only for ourselves, we also fight for our children.

May your daughter be strong enough to say no if she doesn't want to. May she have her own choices too. May you have the strength to help her. Ameen.

51

Re: moving on?

Thank you. It is nice to know that there are still good people in this world. I have sent you a PM.

52

Re: moving on?

I was a victim of forceful marriage.

The girl wanted to marry a guy. The guy divorced his wife for her. Her dad refused. She married me only to prove to her dad that arrange marriage is a bad idea. Now after forcing me to divorce her, she is now married to the same guy.

This is what I meant by having a past. Its fine if you have emotional baggage (everyone does). but people like this create a bad reputation and the reason why everyone has trust issues.

53

Re: moving on?

That is sad, mulzious. Yes, sometimes females do nasty things too, not just the males, even if males do more horrible things and more often than females ever did. Even if males do nasty things more often, it doesn't make it right when females do them, of course.

It's difficult to trust someone again after such experiences, I understand that completely. I still hope you will find someone if that is what you want in life and that it'll bring you happiness next time.

I don't trust most males anymore. Before marriage my ex-husband and his parents seemed very nice, so you never know which people really are nasty. Some males seem nice and reliable, but they aren't, when they have the chance, they won't behave respectable. I also know females from various cultures who were treated horribly by their husbands or boyfriends, so males from any culture seem nice until you are either in a relationship with them or married to them. Sometimes I think, maybe the culture is not always the problem, but the problem is the excistence of males. Then I realise how unfair that thought is, and that everywhere in the world there actually is a problem in cultures which encourages males into a certain behaviour. Yes, not all males are like that, but you don't know that until you are involved. Some people take that risk of getting involved, but it's one risk I'm not taking.

54

Re: moving on?

Moving on is the hardest thing to do... it takes time to heal and also depends on what kind of situation have you been facing at the time of divorce. In my case, I thought that I was completely collapsed as my dirvorce was totally a one sided decision. I couldn't manage to accept it (I didn't even try to). I used to drag myself to life.Infact I was totally damaged. My ex-husband and his family were so quick in taking the divoroce decision, we had a few early married-life minor issues which could be resolved. It took me almost a year to digest this reality that he has left his daughter with me so comfortably and never returned to see her. My self-confidene was badly shaken because of that incident.

Now it's been three and a half years, I feel myself emotionally stronger. That experience has left me with so many questions about married life. I couldn't get married again just because of the mindset of the society I am living in. People do have issues with my divorce and my daughter. I get into trouble when my family asks me to decide about my second marriage. It would be a hard decision for me. I believe that my life is much better than the life I was having during my marriage. I am financially stable and can afford to keep my child happy Alhumdullilah. The only fear I have that I might lose this life if I get married again. I dont find myself ready to compromise.

I think that divorce should be the last option. You can't take such extreme steps right after 1 year of your marriage specially when it's an arrange marriage. The side effects are always hard to avoid. Apparently, I am having a perfect life MashaAllah, it will get improved in future InshaAllah but I would NEVER be able to remove the scar that has been given by my ex-husband at the time when me & my child needed him the most.

55

Re: moving on?

My mind..just boggles me..how can anyone in their right mind leave their son/daughter...like this?. Why people become..so cold as turkey..as if nothing happened. "Ya sure lets divorce, np..we will move on". Ya sure..yo..eventually people do move on..but the scar and effect it has emotionally and psychologically is just immense. No one in this world is perfect..but we as a human being..have to learn our way through issues and problems..in order to grow stronger. And not to give up. But alas..it does happen.

56

Re: moving on?

Sad that he wasn't there for your child, nightingale. After divorce, both parents should still be involved in the child's life, unless one of them is abusive. No abusive parent should be near the child again, until the child is old enough to decide if it wants to meet the abusive parent or not. From a certain age, a child should be allowed to decide for him or herself.

I think you are lucky that he was the one who left you. You are a female, if you would have left, you would have been treated worse, you would have become the woman who left her husband, even if he would have been abusive, you would still get the nasty comments for leaving him. And if you really would still be married to him, I doubt he would make you very happy.

What I'm trying to say is that this could be your chance of real happiness. If you'd rather stay single for the rest of your life, why don't you? And if you don't like remaining single, then I hope you will find someone who is an excellent match. No matter what other people say, these are important personal life choices. When it's about smaller issues, yes, there are times we all care about what others will say, and sometimes we even should, but not always and certainly not regarding the more important matters such as marriage.

I live in the Netherlands, so I'm not only dealing with the mentality of many of our fellow Pakis (they aren't all nasty of course), I'm also dealing with the nasty side of Dutch mentality(not all Dutch are like that, naturally). You see, most Dutch don't like and understand single people either. If you are single, the Dutch expect you to at least date or have relationships here and there. I don't do any of that. I'm single and not dating nor looking for any relationships, neither am I interested in another marriage. Until my death, this will be my life, I don't miss having life partner or a husband, I don't see why I should accept one just so society will think I am what their version of 'normal' is. I have been living this way since 2004. I get nasty treatments at times not only from certain fellow Pakis, but from certain Dutch people too.

So I know what I'm talking about. I do understand it's very difficult not to care about what other people will think regarding the bigger more important matters of your life. I have even decided not to let most future colleagues know I'm single anymore, so at least they will leave me alone at work about the way I live. ( I have to spend hours at work, whenever I find another job, so it would be nice if the atmosphere there is as less hostile towards me as possible . . . ) But I refuse to be in a relationship because of other people. I had to do that all those years ago, when my family destroyed my life by making me marry him. I'm not ever doing that again.

I think you should keep in mind, that the peace and happiness in your own home, your personal life, is more important than what other people say you should do. If you spend a lot, if not most, of your life at home, then making life at home as happy and comfortable as possible is more important than the opinions of other people.

57

Re: moving on?

Thank you Sahdia77 for your encouraging words. They always help :)

I don't really care about what other people say. The only problem I use to face is that I feel isolated, it's the fear which doesnt let me think about the second marriage. I got divorced when I was 26. now I am 29 years old and I feel that I couldnt enjoy my married life just like other people usually do. I feel so sorry for myself that I didnt deserve that kind of a person. A person who falls in love with you right after engagement cannot be reliable. he can leave you at any time during any phase of your life. Anyway, this is life :). my actual point was that "Moving on" is not really easy but that's the only choice you have once you get separated. You can't sit back and spend your whole life with your past memories.

58

Re: moving on?

Not married yet but one of my friends got married and divorced before the rest of the friends started getting hitched. Her marriage was traumatic not just before but after it as well. The ex-inlaws bought her lawyer, harassed her, gave her threatening phone calls that they'll kidnap her son, wouldn't give back her jewellery or her jahez. BTW they wouldn't even show up during the court mandated visits but wanted the son's custody. She found a great job and still gets annoying relatives wondering to her how she can afford her child without child support. And she's also made many comments that she isn't going to marry again. I think her parents are definitely pushing for it so let's see.

Another lady I know also had a divorce from a guy that refused to accept their daughter's birth. She remarried to an even worse guy who doesn't want the daughter in his house but would gladly take his sons in (even though he refuses to pay child support for his kids). I have no idea why this is a common theme of not paying child support. How can a person so easily ignore their children's existence?

59

Re: moving on?

Unfortunately, some people will mistreat us in life, even when we have done nothing to deserve such nasty treatment. Which is why I don't really believe in karma. Some horrible people get punished in this life, the rest in only in the After Life. If karma really excisted, then many nasty things wouldn't have happened to me, you and many other people.

Your comments on moving on and about life are so true. You have the correct attitude about his. I'm sure you'll be allright, insha Allah. May you be happy in such a way that you feel complete, whatever form that takes. :)

60

Re: moving on?

Allah bless each and every of you in this thread or if you're reading and suffering from this. I ask Allah to help all of you in this life and here-after. Truly disheartening to see people suffering from divorce. Yes it can be for "good" or "bad". Be it a guy or girl. Divorce is not something anyone should take lightly. I myself married a girl who was single parent and daughter of her own. Alhamdullilahh true blessing. And i can vouch for my wife, how difficult and it can get. As some scholar said, Allah made humans as social people. We all need someone at the end of the day who can truly value us as individuals.