Re: moving on?
One of the reasons for not taking money from your soon-to-be-ex-husband or your already ex-husband is the wish to end it all as soon as possible and have as less contact as possible. I didn't take money from mine either, I even refused the money the husband has to pay for his children, which is mandatory actually. I asked nothing and received nothing from him, not for my children, not for myself. I understand you, Reha.
Re: moving on?
I totally understand what u r saying but just mentioning that girls should keep it in mind. Mehr is a debt to husband just like a CC debt and wife can (and should) claim. Its not HIS money.
true. but its her decision not to take it. and if the wife doesnt want to then you cant force her to take it.
when my ex-wife left her haq mehr money at my place, I sent it to her along with her some other things she had left.
Re: moving on?
I totally understand what u r saying but just mentioning that girls should keep it in mind. Mehr is a debt to husband just like a CC debt and wife can (and should) claim. Its not HIS money.
It is but unfortunately not many people think of it like that.
I think I brought it up once during our parting conversations and he said something to the effect of "tumharay jahaiz mein mehr nahin aya tha jo is tarha mang rahi ho".
That was it.
Re: moving on?
Oh wow.. That’s classic! What an idiot.
Re: moving on?
It is but unfortunately not many people think of it like that.
I think I brought it up once during our parting conversations and he said something to the effect of "tumharay jahaiz mein mehr nahin aya tha jo is tarha mang rahi ho".
That was it.
Sounds like a dialogue of a Jahil character in a drama.
Re: moving on?
It is but unfortunately not many people think of it like that.
I think I brought it up once during our parting conversations and he said something to the effect of "tumharay jahaiz mein mehr nahin aya tha jo is tarha mang rahi ho".
That was it.
This is stupid but how is he living happily with his new wife though? He doesn't seem like a really good person from the impression you've given here of him and since it was such a bad situation that you sought divorce as an escape from it.
Is it just that some personalities just bring out the worst in one person but then can get along fine with another person? Some people are just a better fit with each other than others are with them.
Re: moving on?
It is but unfortunately not many people think of it like that.
I think I brought it up once during our parting conversations and he said something to the effect of "tumharay jahaiz mein mehr nahin aya tha jo is tarha mang rahi ho".
That was it.
old tactic of men to go for kill on already bundle-of-emotion girl.
but hey, everything is well that ends well...you are ok with it....bhar main jayee DC :)
Re: moving on?
to Umera ko tag karo na. hamen kiyun kanton main ghaseet’te ho miyan!
moving on?
Reha
Only his one sentence about your haq mehr tells us the whole story about what u actually went thru with this man.
Re: moving on?
This is stupid but how is he living happily with his new wife though? He doesn't seem like a really good person from the impression you've given here of him and since it was such a bad situation that you sought divorce as an escape from it.
Is it just that some personalities just bring out the worst in one person but then can get along fine with another person? Some people are just a better fit with each other than others are with them.
Someone once told me that divorced people by themselves are actually pretty decent people. Its just the combination that tends to be wrong where we end up bringing out the worst in each other.
I think that's true.
I am not sure if he remarried or not...I never asked or tried to find out.
Re: moving on?
I have seen people I know get remarried. They (females) had to look aggressively in most cases but most found happiness, though not all. Once even got divorced two more times. A lot of them had children, even grown ones, so yes, it can be done. I think it depends on how fast one is willing to move on and how much time and energy one is willing to invest to find the next rishta and of course Allah's will. And if someone is fine being alone, that is just fine too.
Re: moving on?
I think it also depends on the sort of family and family friends one has. In some Pakistani families, divorce is not considered a big scandal. In others, like in mine, divorce is considered shame and scandalous amongst many family members. They give you a stigma which isn't easy to wash off, so to speak. So moving on also depends on the kind of people you are living amongst, if you want to move on, yet they won't let you, then it becomes difficult too.
We still have that nasty mentality amongst many fellow Pakistani people, that they will like a divorcee less, especially if it's a female who was the one who left. Which makes it more understandable why many females remain in an unhappy and even horrible marriage, because leaving even the awful husband means being treated terribly by society , being humiliated, mistreated, etc. Some people can handle it, others can't. The alternative of leaving him instead of living with an abusive husband isn't appealing if the society you live in mistreats you for having left him. You have to be really strong and able to live alone, if you choose to never be abused again, in that case. We have to change this mentality amongst our fellow Pakistani people, it's unfair because it only gives more power to abusive husbands and destroys lives of females who didn't even do anything to deserve such a fate.
I'm lucky and happy that I moved on, but I have to admit it hasn't always been easy. There were still problems in my life, most came because of divorce, some for different reasons. Yet I'm not sorry for having left, I'd rather have society hate me and meanwhile at least have peace and happiness in the privacy of my home than having a horrible life at home while society respects me for being married instead of single. I guess it's also because of my personality. I've always enjoyed spending time rather on my own than in the company of other people.
This isn't the case of course for everyone. I feel sad when I hear or read about other females stuck in unhappy marriages and they can't leave because they're afraid of life on their own, the nasty social stigma some of our fellow Pakistanis will give them, etc.
I'm not saying all our Pakistanis are like this. I love most aspects of our Pakistani culture. But we can't ignore the problems and we can't solve them when people say on internet or amongst non-Pakistani's how terrible it is to mistreat females, while at home they do mistreat them, I haven't just seen this in my own family, I saw this amongst other Pakistanis here too.
We should all take a look at ourselves, an honest look at our actions and opinions. That's the first step to make a positive change in places where it's needed. I think it's alarming when a Pakistani Aunty (not related) takes me to McDonald's and tells me how wrong I was to leave my now ex-husband, and that I should be thankful with a husband and serve him, no matter how much he mistreated me and that her husband beats her too and yet she is not leaving him. The fact that she doesn't leave him, is none of my business, unless she wants my advice about that, it's her own life and choice.
No, what bothers me is the mentality even amongst our Pakistani females that divorce is considered so awful, that you should even let your husband beat you up regularly and mistreat you in other ways, yet stil not leave him. She wasn't the only Pakistani family friend who said these kind of things to me. This happened in 2004 by the way. And I still come across this mentality amongst many Pakistanis quite often, too often.
Re: moving on?
^Sahdia, thank you for sharing your experiences good and bad. I’m just wondering about* the Overview | The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org* in your signature.
Re: moving on?
Thousands of people in the world are A-sexuals and are misunderstood as it's lesser known. I'd like this to have more awareness. And I have reasons to believe I am one as well.
Re: moving on?
Thousands of people in the world are A-sexuals and are misunderstood as it's lesser known. I'd like this to have more awareness. And I have reasons to believe I am one as well.
I never knew about it either so good to know.
Re: moving on?
couldnt agree with you more Sahdia
Even though my ex-inlaws were really quick to ask for a divorce the minute we had a few minor problems, I didnt want to. I wanted things to be fixed even though I knew that I would be unhappy otherwise.
I am glad she asked me for a divorce but it broke my heart to comply. Now I take comfort in the fact that at-least I don't have any regrets of making such a huge decision of ruining someones life.
Our society is so twisted in so many ways. Even guys get stigmatized for divorce, everyone blames the guy and the girl is often seen as mazloom and bechari. But I do agree the balance is hugely in the guys favor, especially remarriage. Although the 'market value' may not be the same, but its really easy for guys to get re-married.
My ex wife has re-married really quickly, and her new in-laws are not happy with her being a divorcee who has barely (or probably not) completed her iddah. The guy is divorced as well. I am so glad that she has found someone and moved on because it relieves me of the guilt of having a bad marriage.
At home, even my parents are ready to compromise on the girls qualities (education, age, etc) but not on her marital status. My family gets really upset if I even mention women up for second marriage (divorced or widowed etc).
Only in lahore, around 150 cases of khula are filed on a DAILY basis. most of them are love marriages, and most of the marriages are in their first year. There is a sizeable amount of divorced people and the number is increasing.
Divorce should not be a stigma. its overly emphasized and our hypocrite society just needs a reason to judge and humiliate someone. People deserve another chance if they screw up and we should not make them feel bad for it.
I can only hope that with the increase in number of divorcees, it will become more socially acceptable for people to stop being in bad marriages and think of leaving.
Marriages are hard, and people should work hard to make it work. They should not play around with marriages and get divorced at the first sign of trouble. It should be socially equally stigmatized for both men and women. And we should have some way of making sure that the couple has really tried their best and can not make it work.
Re: moving on?
'I can only hope that with the increase in number of divorcees, it will become more socially acceptable for people to stop being in bad marriages and think of leaving.'
'Divorce should not be a stigma. its overly emphasized and our hypocrite society just needs a reason to judge and humiliate someone.'
^
I agree with that.
Another problem is making people get married to someone they don't like at a time they aren't even ready for marriage. I was just 18 and certainly not ready for my marriage and my ex was never my type really. If he would have been a better husband and better father for our children, I probably would have accepted everything eventually and settled in that life. At least people in love marriages made their own decision to marry a certain person at a certain time in their life.
I'm not saying that love marriages fail less than forced ones or that arranged marriages are all wrong. Arranged marriages can be great if both people in the marriage agree happily and are well matched. Arranged marriages are cruel however when people are forced in them and aren't even a great match.
Re: moving on?
[quote="Sahdia77, post:17, topic:330300"]
'I can only hope that with the increase in number of divorcees, it will become more socially acceptable for people to stop being in bad marriages and think of leaving.'
'Divorce should not be a stigma. its overly emphasized and our hypocrite society just needs a reason to judge and humiliate someone.'
^
Totally agree. I separated from my ex after 10 years of marriage when I was in my early thirties. 2.5 years later and the divorce still is not finalized. One child who was a toddler at a time and MA, is very well adjusted. While I am much happier then I ever was in the 10 years I was with him with all his non stop extramarital affairs and madman tendencies, its not easy being alone. I have an over supportive family and a few trusted non-Pakistani/non-Muslim friends. As far as support from the community, what support? By non-Pakistani standards, I am told I am a catch. But because I am in a single mother in my mid thirties, I should only accept rishtas from Pakistani men in their late 40s with 3+ kids of their own, although even then, their mothers ask for unmarried women or divorced women with no kids.
No thanks. Allah (swt) put plenty of ppl in this duniya.
Re: moving on?
I don’t think it’s fair that just cuz someone is divorced, the world automatically assumes you are unfit for marriage in general - because for whatever reason you happened to not be able to stay in a marriage with ONE person. ONE person out of the billions in the world determines whether or not you will be able to get married again. that logic (or, lack of) makes no sense
