This aunty we know recently became mother-in-law. She was all happy and what not. Guy fell in love with the girl, aunty is mashallah very religious found a girl who is extremely religious but modern at the same time.
She would call up girl’s mom and thank her for such a nice baho.
But now things have changed.
Aunty is having issues of little little things of her. Boy and girl decide to go out without telling anyone. Girl is on the pc most of the time. her son is sorta away from his mother. another exp. This has to do alot with the family ones belong too. Every time smeone would give girl a present she would not show it to her mother in law. Which is abosultely right but if she is sitting in front of you there is no harm in it. The girl does not wish to share her personal stuff with mother in law and keeps her distance. Which is a good thing. Girl decided to go to a expensive place with her friends and aunty never thought of spending that much on one suit. She got money but when it comes to use it there is a issue there. She didnt get aunty’s permission. They are going to have reception soon and aunty has no clue where is the restaurant or the hall etc. Both [guy and girl] of them decided on it and didnt bother showing them[in laws].
But my poor aunty is having issues she is not use to of this. Girl is mashallah religious and all the nine yards she covers even in front of her dewar and sasur.
It seems to me you cant please mother in laws. girl is what she wanted but she does not like her habbits. I dont see girl at fault and neither do my aunty.
I think i would probably do the same. I dont need to show around what i got as a present from so and so. I dont need to tell my mother in law that i am going to see a movie or shopping simply that i am going out. I wouold show her the reception place this is what i have decided i dont need her opinion cause it would be my wedding.
This becomes very diffcult as you could see i didnt mention uncle anywhere in the conversation. We have two extreme types of women here. Both are mashallah very religious but i guess family values have alot to do with it. How you are brought up and where you have raised matters. These small and tiny things can become a big issue. I can see here easily where guys usually go ‘keep it between my mom and yourself i dont want to get involved’. A guy cant chose between his girl or mother?
Question is Can these 2 extreme people have some sort of a balance?Poor aunty has given up she is all sad and what not.
It is so not right ot get married at a early age girl is 21. I think her personality is still building and she will be different by the age of 24 or so. I an easily the girl and guy livign away from the in laws in matter of months. My aunty does not say anything she keeps everythign quiet. I bet she is going to blow up once and guy will take the girl’s side. She isnt wrong on most of the stuff. The point is askign someoen who is close to 60 to understand someone who is 21. Would we be able to do it? I am sure our parents thought we wont make the same mistakes as their parents did with us. What would we be like few years down the line.
[sorry if there are spelling errors i dont feel like proof reading my pathetic story]
do guys have issues with father in laws? Havent seen a post on that one yet
sorry pcg :( i was half asleep when aunty called. I could not go back to sleep afterwards and i still cant :(
by the way proof read yours as well :p
baho should not need anyone's premission how to spend the money. That is not the case here. She uses the money as if they grow on trees but i feel its okay to spend on yourself once in a blue moon. Aunty ji has a hard time understanding that plus she is into getting permission from "ghar ke barhe" when baho is stepping outside the premises.
This is why I suggested how wife-to-be should ensure or try her best that her soon-to-be-husband would be getting her a separate residence. Otherwise, senseless saas-bahu fights can cause a havoc in everyones lives.
And I remember fellow guppies criticizing it and stating how they wouldn't want to marry a female who demands separate residence. Unfortunately, this is what it often results in.
nia....i'm all for joint family system but i think my case is exceptional.....i don't see many ppl getting along well in this system
i wouldn't say girl is doing wrong or anything ....its not compulsory for her to ask permission etc. but it is mandatory......it won't hurt if she asks....
i was quite used to asking permissions etc. from my own parents before marriage....afterwards when i intended to go to my parents i wanted to ask my MIL n my SIL said ....we don't ask them ...we just inform...! i wasn't used to 'informing' so i just asked her ....she never said 'no' .....n infact she loved the way!!
everything boils down to mutual respect for each other ......
having said that.....i would like to admit ... i always thought joint family system is 'islamic' in nature ....but just few years go ....i found out its not the case....husbands are encouraged to provide some private space for their wives .....depending on their income it can be her own room to her very own house/appartment whatever.....serving parents applies to groom in these cases ....he is responsible to take care of them .....if he can't do it himself he should hire someone for that .....its not the duty of wife BUT it is highly highly rewarded if wife does that out of respect/love .......................but this shouldn't be taken for granted ......if she does serve them nothing is better than that ....but if she doesn't , she wasn't responsible for it in the first place....
personally i still think .....when i love my husband ....why shouldn't i love n care for the woman who brought him for me in this world ......!!!
I think , we should STOP considering it a problem as this SAS BAHU CHAGRAAS would never end. The only peoblem i can see here is of sharing. Humans cant share with other beings and at the same time , they cant live apart from them.
I don’t know why guys would not favor a separate residence…I guess reality will kick in when they get married, and they realize their mom can “hear” them at night.
I once visited my cousin and his wife. Everyone went to sleep at midnight, but I stayed up late reading a car magazine.
Around 2am, I heard a squeak frm the floorboard between the guest room I was sleeping in and his master bedroom next door. The squeak began coming more and more frequently until it peaked at a frequency of just over one squeak per second. Then it abruptly stopped. One or two more squeaks followed.
No matter how hard I pulled my pillow over my ears, I couldn’t make the sound stop coming through
My cousin and his wife seemed really cheerful the next morning. I wonder what had gone on… :halo:
I personally think, Older generation want the feel of authority over younger generation (Note: not authority, just the feeling that they have authority. For example, if couple wants to go out - no one can really stop them, but if they would ask for permission - it makes parents / MIL feel like they are in control) Also shows respect too.
Anyway, I call these difference as "Difference of opinion" and trying to figure out the answer of my own too. I had a long talk with my mom, without any conclusion (ofcourse). Although what happens is responsibility and in control of the son - it all depends on him how and what he does!
Knowing most guys they are even more confused and ignorant about these issues than FIL :)
Another common issue concerning marriage!
Where are men-bashing guppans with their typical attitude? The boy here is at fault. He should make things happen in a way that both the parties are at ease!
^ Well, he's in a marriage. These are issues pertaining to marriage. So if he has the power to make peace between his mom and his wife, then why not do it?
Most guys stay out of the way because they don't know how to diffuse the situation, or they feel they'll turn at least one lady against themselves, or they are totally oblivious to the situation.
nia, I still don't get what's going on. Who's money is the wifey spending? Her husband's money?
baho should not need anyone's premission how to spend the money. That is not the case here. She uses the money as if they grow on trees but i feel its okay to spend on yourself once in a blue moon. Aunty ji has a hard time understanding that plus she is into getting permission from "ghar ke barhe" when baho is stepping outside the premises.
Is the husband giving a certain amount of money to his wife for her to spend as she wishes, or is she taking the whole paycheck and doing what she wants with it?
Furthermore, regardless of what's going on, does the hubby himself know what his wife is doing with the money he earns and is HE okay with it?
IMHO, finances are between husband and wife to decide - not for the husband's mom to get in the middle of. If the husband feels he needs to give his mom money to support her financially, than that is his decision to make, no?
Okay, what difference does it make if she's blowing away her husband's entire paycheck or if her husband is giving her a set amount of money?
I don't see the husband crying or fretting over it, so why should the mother in-law be?
Honestly, desi families are so screwed. 90% (or more) of the times, its the in-laws that are screwing up the relationship between husband and wife.
I'm sure if the husband is responsible for providing for her parents, he would be setting aside some money for it and would be providing his parents with it. Otherwise, he would've had a word with his wife.
It's all too common. Mother in-laws fretting over what, when, where, why and how the daughter in-law is spending the money. I feel sorry for the wife.
Yes, it may be rude of the wife to not show the mother in-law the presents she may have received when sitting with her, but other than that I don't see how she is liable to show her presents or anything else to the mother in-law.
I'm sure the wife must be cooking, cleaning and feeding her husband plus the in-laws. What more does the mother in-law want from her?
You cannot have two women living under the same roof and expect everything to work out nicely.
These squeeks u experienced while visiting your cousin, now were they like the short, sharp and thudding kinda squeeks or were they the long, slow, well synchronized squeeks which build a crescendo? Such finer points can be so improtant yet ignored and trivialized. Waiting for your latest update…:maulvidis
