I am a UK size 8 so in ready made clothes I will buy a size S (small).
My mother in law to be has gifted me a ready made frock suit in a size XL! That’s something like a size 16/18? Does she think I am that large by looking at me?!
Please please advise me on what to do… do I give it back to her and tell her it’s the wrong size?
She has gifted suits to my sisters and mum too… for my mum she has given a very old lady style white/light mauvey pink type suit that you see old aunty ji’s wear, and for my sister she has given matching maroony purple fabric that is really dark and dull.
We don’t wear these kind of things, it’s totally not what we would wear or gift to anyone!!! How can I tactfully ask her to stop buying me things? Or tell her to only buy things when I am with her and I choose them myself?
I don’t want her to waste her money and I don’t want to be forced to wear hideous things that are not my style or taste.
Fiance is clueless as per usual, he even advised that I give the XL suit to my mum, I was like it’s too big for my mum and it’s a suit for a young girl not an older lady!!
Does it really matter that much what she gave you? I would say, pick your battles wisely. Is this really important to be discussed?
From my person experience, desis are awful at gifting others. I dont know what is wrong with them seriously, but they expect the best for themselves, yet give trash to others. I have a relative, ultra modern and high fashion chick, when she gifts her Inlaws I cannot help wonder, what hit her!?!
1) You should def tell her if its not the right size so that she can get it exchanged and has your right size for future. Ofcourse there is a right way of saying things so make sure you opt for just that.
2) You can't be so finicky. Yes, i think everyone should take pain in selecting the right gift for whoever they are picking it up for. However its maybe just that her choice is very different from you guys? you can sit and assume all kinds of things but imo, it would be wrong on your part to fuss over this.
3) You can't and SHOULDN'T ask her to stop buying you things, not only is it inappropriate but also extreemly rude. You are going to be her bahu and like every sass she probably desires to see you a certain way and you will have to oblige with it at times to make her happy. Ofcourse there is a limit to it too but you can't completely ignore it as it will only result in you guys have a patehtic relationship which i am sure you wouldnt want.
4) You can politely and tactfuly say to her that aunty, why don't we both go shopping sometime? it would be a good way to get to know each other better and spend time together.
i will tell you the truth and dont tell it anyone else plz
someone gave it to her, and she passed it to you. if you think about it it makes perfect sense and desi aunti's tend to do that. it saves them the hassle of buying new gifts and on top of it saves money $$
Gracefully accept it...and, forget about it!...that's the best way to deal with it...may be she will realize her mistake/'lack of common-sense' someday. :)
It either sounds like she’s regifting you stuff OR she just doesn’t have good taste. My MIL is very nice and she has nice taste–for someone her own age. I gave 1-2 of my outfits to my mother because the colors and styles suited her more than they suited me…
anyways, don’t let it bother you too much. if the XL suit is nice, you can have it taken in OR just save it for later…its really not that big of a deal.
and for heaven’s sake don’t tell her to stop buying you stuff! that’s rude! Eventually when she sees you’re not wearing it she’ll stop buying you stuff herself. :halo:
Does it really matter that much what she gave you? I would say, pick your battles wisely. Is this really important to be discussed?
^ 100% agree with this!
My FMIL also gives me things that I don't like and don't want (yes, I have gotten clothes that I find hideous and/or doesn't fit me at all). I always graciously accept it......and then put it away. I have never worn any of her clothes. Heck I even got a watch last time that I never plan on wearing (I don't wear watches).
Unless you live with your in-laws and your MIL actually picks out your clothes when you go out....not sure how you'll be "forced" to wear them.
As for the $$....don't worry about her money. Let her spend it however she wants. Throughout your marriage, there will be many situations where you'll need to speak up and get things your way........in the "big picture", this is not a big deal. For you to mention something and take the risk that your MIL gets offended by it and it negatively effects your relationship with her.......it's not worth it.
taking the stuff and quietly putting it away could cause bad feelings and problems in the future too…
one day she may confront you and say, “You never wear anything that I get for you!”
someone said it above…you’d be wise to pick your battles…
do you want to deal with this type of confrontation later on and be on the defensive or do you want to diplomatically address it now when you can control the situation?
let her know that you would like to wear the suit for Eid but it is too large…does she know of someone that can alter it to your size?
and for all those that are saying they put stuff away and have no plans on wearing things…would it really hurt you to put something on for a little while to warm someone’s heart and please them?
honestly…some people’s taste you will never be able to change…just grin and wear it…and whenever someone “compliments” you on it, announce loud and proud that MIL gave it to you!
** I once wore a hideous outfit for Eid that was gifted to me and immediately after the person that gave it to me had seen me and I had profusely thanked her, I walked into someone carrying a glass of juice…oops! Didn’t have any choice but to go and change…"
^i can see why it would hurt them and seem unappreciative to not make any use of gifted things however, if it has been brought to their attention that your preference is different or your size is this and not that, they should understand and stop gifting similar things. If I know my mother doesn't like peeptoe shoes, I wouldnt gift her peeptoe shoes. When someone keeps gifting you the same thig over and over again, they are forcing it on you and if you dont use it, you look ungrateful. My mil keeps gifting me golden jewelry though she knows how much I hate wearing gold. I have worn it once to make her happy and told her not going to happen again. She can keep gifting me, but I am not wearing any ever.
You know, I used to think “I can never wear what others give me, its just not my taste” but…with time I’ve kind of mellowed out about it, if it really makes someone happy that I wear this…I’ll do that once in a while..its not a big deal. When once I never felt guilty about regifting (bad I know!) now I kind of do.
anyways, to answer your question, for an every day thing or going out once in a while…no it doesn’t hurt to wear what someone else gave you. I’ve worn the outfits that my MIL gave me even though I would never have chosen them myself. (not that I felt it affected the relationship for better or worse).
Now they’re sitting in a suitcase because I intend to “fix” them when i go to Pakistan…change the laces, add some pattis to make it longer (they were stitched a few years ago when short shirts were still in fashion)…so Its the perfect reason to put em away
Often times, the ready made suits are pretty loose....and mine almost always need to be adjusted. It also depends upon the fashion. Recently the style is to wear really loose, dheelay clothes. That could be another reason. Give your MIL the benefit of the doubt. Clothes are expensive and I doubt that many people would deliberately waste their money on something that just wouldn't work for the other person. There is a possibility that maybe someone had gifted the suits to her.....and she then gave them to you and your family. But you'll never know if that's the case. The clothes....even if you never wear them......will be of some use to you. You can regift them to someone else whom you think would either like them or could use them. Pick and choose your battles....for now thank her and let this one go. As for giving hints...you can pretend to be looking through a catalog of clothes....when she's around and if she asks what you're doing...show her. That gives her an idea of what yo like. Or....tell your fiance the type of clothes you like WITHOUT mentioning his mother. And next time he may tell her.
one day she may confront you and say, "You never wear anything that I get for you!" someone said it above.....you'd be wise to pick your battles.......
do you want to deal with this type of confrontation later on and be on the defensive or do you want to diplomatically address it now when you can control the situation?
I actually agree with the above comments. I guess since my in-laws live in a different state, and I don't see them often...I can get away with not using any of the stuff she gives me(at least so far!).
I'm not sure what the location situation is with OP and her in-laws....but yes, I agree that if the in-laws live near-by and you see them on a regular basis....then yes, no matter how much you might hate the clothes....wearing it at least once in front of the MIL won't kill you. :)
As Muzna stated....it's about controlling the situation (and choosing your battles wisely). :)
One trick I use for mundane gifts is to sell them in garage/yard sale every spring. If those are desi clothes then I use them as sleeping suit. Some people have very different taste then yours , you cannot make them relate to or make them learn your taste.
Here's what I do in such a situation.... if the person who gifted me something that i hate lives in my neighborhood...I wear it next time they invite me over to their place or I wear it next time there is a desi party and I know they will be there... and even though its not my style or size and its completely hideous I wear it proudly with a smile and tell everyone who asks that this gorgeous outfit was gift to me by so and so (not sarcastically....i say it like i genuinely mean it...because I do....as I am truly grateful to that person for thinking me worthy enough to give me something...and im sure they meant well and thought they were giving a good gift so ...to me while it is something i would not purchase myself...it is still a gorgeous outfit because of the emotions attached to it)
after wearing it once maybe twice I would put it away and never wear it again... and those one or two times that i did wear it made that person who gave me something feel wonderful ...and didnt harm me one bit.
now if the person is say in Pakistan and they mailed me something i would wear it on eid ki namaaz or something ...take a picture and send it to them with a thank you for being so kind to me
you think you can do that? because thats what I would advise
To those that have advised to just keep the clothes and hide them away, I can't do that as I'm expected to wear them for eid. They are my eid gift!!! Plus an XL can't be tailored in to a small, esp not a frock dress!
I'm not the kind of person who likes to accept gifts and then hide them away because I know I'll never wear them, I would much rather that the other person just didn't gift me anything at all. What a waste of money to buy someone clothes and for them to pretend to love them and hide them away in a wardrobe when the person gifting could have used that money on their grandkids or on charity.
Fiance has told his mum that the outfit is an XL, she has said that she didn't know it was an XL as it was the size that was given to her by the person in the shop. She did make a point when we were at her house that if the outfit didn't fit me then my sister could have it, so I personally think she did know the size, but whatever he's coming to pick it up and she has said that she will exchange it and I will be wearing a bright turquoise frock for eid.
And to the poster who 'can't see the big deal' please don't post next time you feel that way. Sometimes it's better to say nothing.
Thank you to everyone who offered good advise, it is defintely something I will remember for the future.
@ khan.
Didn’t have any choice but to go and change…"