mother in law

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Ok I am new on this forum but got a MIL issue like most if u

My question is… is there something wrong with my way of thinking or hers?

My husband I got married a little over a year ago

After a month of marriage I heard my mil asking my husband to send money to her every month even if she knew that my husband can’t afford to send money every month. he payed for his own wedding didn’t get any help from his parents.
After 3 months she asked him to send 2000 pound because his sister was going there and that she asked again for his brothers wedding at that time I told him no way in hell every time we try to save up some money she wants it all.
I don’t mind my husband sending money to her but not that much we can’t afford to send so much to her any husband does it anyway because she makes him feel guilty ofcourse he asks me first but I don’t want him to think I say no just because she is my mil.
The thing that’s irritated me is that she knows we are struggling with money and she stills keeps asking. She doesn’t need the money they got a house in defence she got 3 other sons so she isn’t starving or anything.
and now she is asking again! I feell like I can’t save up because everytime I do she comes running and want that money! I am studying my husband is the only one who earns money.

She wants to go for umrah in may and she ask my husband for money. We just saved up for a car but don’t know if I can buy one now. It sounds wrong to say no we can’t send u money for umrah because we are buying a car.

Do u guys have any advice? We really need a car because of work. We lived a year with out a car and its been hell

2

Buy a cheaper car..

Umrah is not required...forget Umrah, Haj is not required if one does not have the means.

Tell her she does not have the means, and you do not have the means

3

Re: mother in law

This kind of stuff makes me absolutely crazy when parents think they have a RIGHT to everything you earn, no they don't.

4

Re: mother in law

DITTO.

Does your MIL expect your husband to take out debt for the Umrah?

X2, it's funny how you should mention the fact Umrah/Hajj is not actually a requirement within Islam.

I consulted someone recently about the criteria of Hajj and I was told that parents should have their house in order if their children are of an age to get married. So say a Father wishes to perform Hajj. He needs to speak to his wife about the partners he wishes his kids to marry, and leave enough finance in place to for them to be well 'married off'. Once you've completed your duties as parents and can afford Hajj then of course there isn't much anyone else can say to you it's a case of if you wish to go/kismet.

The Molvi's my in-laws unfortunately follow say that you are able to perform Hajj if you are under major debt if you have adult sons (even if they are unmarried) EVEN if they have debt from mortgages/education etc as they can marry off their sisters and everything will be fine.

Isn't the interpretation of religion interesting?

5

This kind of religious interpretation seems to be common amongst desis. The Mothers-in-law seem to pay attention to the part which says that they have many rights over their sons, ignoring the part that says “not at the expense of creating a hardship for the son”. I imagine it is pure ignorance in some cases and in others, they just take things out of context to fit their needs.

In cases like these, it is best to acquaint yourself with your rights and your Mother-in-Laws rights and help your husband also learn about the rights of both of these women in his life. He has the pivotal role in keeping peace in the family. If he inadvertently sides wrongly with one person creating an imbalance, he becomes an accomplice in injustice therefore it is extremely important for the husband to know correctly everyones rights and for him to have the correct intentions to do right by his mother and his wife.

Every person in Islam has a role. The husband/son is the enforcer of these roles. I know you are frustrated, but yelling at your husband or emotionally stating that your rights are being trampled on will not help you obtain your rights. Together you and your husband may learn about this topic. Pull up a website that educates you both about umrah, it will clearly point out that it is not required. “There is no compulsion in religion”. If practicing your religion is a hardship on others or yourself or creates injustice, it is not Islam.

Here is a good site about peoples rights and books are available here as well.
http://www.islambasics.com/view.php?bkID=104

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Re: mother in law

its his money isn't it?

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Re: mother in law

count your blessings..she doesnt live with you...she is not even couple of hours away from you... he is letting you studying while he is working.... and anddd he even asks you before sending money??

8

Re: mother in law

Lollllllllll

Oh my oh my
God forbid a husband asks before spending or giving away money. Yes, he's responsible for his mother but if they have been saving for this then they should prioritize the car and share the umrah expense with the other siblings.

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Re: mother in law

no, its not just his money anymore :( its her money too now so she gets a say now

anyway, if you keep allowing stuff like this to happen...it will keep happening

please "share" in the expense of umrah with her other sons...but do not pay for the umrah entirely yourself

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Re: mother in law

if her needs are being fulfilled. no need to whine. the MIL will die sooner or later she can have all the husband's money..its only a matter of time.

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Re: mother in law

ditto to what the first poster said - isn't umrah and hajj only done if you have the means to pay for it YOURSELF? You're not supposed to have any loans on you, and you have to have the funds at hand - not take a loan to go. Well, at least for Hajj, not sure about Umrah. But still...

It's good your husband is asking you first and not just giving his money away - maybe you can say to your MIL that yes we'll pay the two grand or whatever, but over a few months as we can't afford it in one go. Pay like 500 a month, or even less than that if that's what you can afford. A son should definitely give money to his parents whenever possible, but as others have said I agree that it should NOT be at the expense of his family (i.e. YOU) which always comes FIRST

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Re: mother in law

^^ Shabash!

Firstly a son gives/spend/pay for his mother is not considered loan, Secondly yes make easy monthly installments, its buisness dealing, give and take.

Relax, Siyanaay kehtay hain as you saw so shall you reap.Lets just wait and watch!!

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Re: mother in law

Really?

The OP never mentioned a desire for her MIL to drop dead. In fact she has dealt with her MIL as much as she can handle and came on her for advice (that's how I see this post).

OP mentioned several points that anyone who really wishes to give sincere advice will note:

demands literally started as soon as couple were married and they cannot AFFORD it which I assume means they cannot afford to meet their parent/MIL desire. As others have mentioned Hajj/Umrah are not a requirement unless one is in a certain financial situ e.g. endless money AND you do not have any outstanding responsibilities if they have adult children. The couple in question have only recently got married, which begs the question that if OP and OH are saving for a car that would mean they do not have disposable income. If they did, this would be a different situ altogether.

MIL lives in DEFENCE. Now excuse me whilst I go scream the obvious. MIL is MashAllah well taken care of considering she also has THREE other sons so why burden the one in England? Is his crime being married to a British national? I am assuming so.

As for the money being his; ah well once OP has completed her education and InshAllah gets a job I suggest she keeps ALL her earnings and doesn't help towards her household expenses and God forbid she was to buy a car then. Would the husband not use it because it was bought with her money? No of course not because THEY ARE A COUPLE.

OP, I agree with Peony; I think you are best ensuring you are aware of your Islamic duties/responsibilities towards your husband and MIL. Your first responsibility is well you and him as a couple. The MIL comes down the list of people to give a hoot about in general but ensure her Islamic rights are not violated. I don't see them as being abused/violated at the moment as long as MashAllah your MIL is well, her stomach is full and she is living comfortably.
Can I ask, do you have a FIL? If so, how does he fit into the picture?

9m33 If you see it as whining why don't you simply not reply to the post? Voila, you won't waste your time anymore.

14

Obviously her needs aren’t being met. They don’t have a car, which is a must in some parts of the world.

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Re: mother in law

I think nnabid meant if OP's husband cannot afford the demand he would need to take debt to do so which as far as I am aware Islamically is wrong.

Noone gives their parents debt. But then no parent would burden their child beyond their means.

OP, does your MIL know how much your husband earns and how much it costs for the basics?Perhaps your husband needs to explain that you are not currently flushed with money.

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Re: mother in law

For god sake people, stop making it controversial with your lame doctrines, she is asking for money to go perform Umrah, not as if she is going for ayashee.

Living in Defence doesnt make you millionaire, Even if she has millions, her other 3 sons are affulent but she has asked him so he must OBEY, no matter what or how.
We can choose a to have a wife of our choice but not a mother.

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Re: mother in law

Wow...so having a say in her finances is equivalent to whining? Does her MIL ask her saas before making decisions in her own home?

She can ask as much as she wants...her son will only be able to do what he can afford. That's all there is to it. He cannot rob a bank or take out a loan to pay for Umrah if he is struggling.

Parents can ask their kids for anything but they should behave responsibly as well.

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Re: mother in law

So just to clarify; you are saying it is acceptable for a parent to ask a child to pay for something they cannot afford to because culture says so? Because Islamic teachings constantly teach us to AVOID taking out debt? So we must go against religion now?

Parents are the responsibility of ALL their children regardless of if they expect one to take over their financial responsibility. That's basic Islam.

As for ayashee; it depends on your defination. The son in question cannot afford it. OP isn't saying don't support your parent; rather this is an optional thing that they cannot afford. It's not like the OP wants to buy a gucci handbag and is refusing the idea of gifting the cost of Umrah (because it would be a gift).

As for choice of having a wife; well it depends on what you call choice. By some clerics marriage is recommended for some of the following reasons:

1) to avoid sin
2) to actually bore children to continue to produce Muslims (oh shocking)

Wives believe it or not actually have rights. Many bash women (not OP as this doesn't apply) for wanting their own home whereas Islamically she has a right to ask for it IF her husband earns enough to provide separate quarters.

AND Islamically you must provide for your parents but not actually demands that are not neccesities. If OP and husband were flushed in money this would be a different situ.

So let's not assume posters who are giving opinions on here don't know what they are talking about. We all know the basics of our religion. The cultural aspects of it blur it to make it look like parents can demand a 1 chore house and a son is expected to take out debt and buy it whereas this really isn't the case.

OP stay strong and ignore those who want you to obey culture. Your priority this early in a marriage is to get you know your husband well and AVOID debt if at all possible. Interest is haram in Islam as you know and taking out debt would result in this.

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Re: mother in law

^ Thank you for saying that.

The Pakistani version of Islam is baffling

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Re: mother in law

With some I'm noticing culture takes preference over basic Islam.

Some prefer to mix what suits to their own advantage.

We are potentially blurring the basics of a simple to follow religion with other religions/cultures which is dangerous for the next generation.