mother in law

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: mother in law

the probability of MIL dying sooner than the DIL is significantly high. I was just stating a fact.
she could bear for her husband's sake.

and my question about one son/daughter not to be 'burdened' alone........what about when someone has only one child? or the other children don't help out the parent. what does islam say then??

to the OP. Does your husband contribute towards your education expenses? have you taken an interest bearing loan for your degree?

22

Re: mother in law

I'm not saying you are wrong and it should be that all the siblings split money when the mother needs somethings expensive. But I guess it is true that parents can take care of 6 kids but 6 kids can't take care of one or both of their parents.

23

Re: mother in law

Isn't that sad?

:(

24

mother in law

First of all the issue Isn't about her asking money for umrah for I just found out that my mil brother is paying for that! I don't know she wants more for umrah we can afford to give her some but not all of our savings.

the issue is she always asking and it is creating problems between me and my husband. He can't say no to her. He ask me before giving but he knows I won't stop him. but I am seriously thinking about saying no specially now when he can loose his job.
My parents pays for my education but my husband got a large debt he needs to settle down so we can really buy what ever we want to before he has payed that of.
His mother knows everything she know how much he earns how much debt he got etc etc
My parents on the other hand only knows what I tell them.
again the issue isn't umrah the issue is she keeps asking for more and more money and making him feel guilty. My husband lives in UK his family lives in Pakistan. I got married to him and moved to UK I am from Europe but not UK.
I just don't understand their thinking she KNOWS he is struggling we even told her that let us pay his debt of first and than we will set a monthly payment for her. but that doesn't set well with her! She is living better then us and but still she makes it sounds like she is having a hard time.
My FIL died in dec but that doesn't change anything. It just got worse after his dead.
I am just so stressed out all the time and arguing with my husband about it all the time!

25

My needs aren't being fulfilled but my MIl are is that fair?

26

We need a car we are spending to much money on taxis, trains, buses its cheaper to have a car we will save so much money and time

27

Re: mother in law

Err guys - just to point out the answer to this Islamically speaking is yes. It's not a cultural thing. In the Quran it says to obey your parents in EVERYTHING they ask you to do, EXCEPT shirk. That's the only thing. Otherwise, yep, pretty much everything. (Read Surah Luqman v 15)

But that also lays a huge responsibility on the parents to not make stupid requests that would put the child in difficulty. Also, the husband has rights to his family first before his parents.

IMO the pecking order of which a husband must pay rights and responsibilities to is:

  1. Wife and kids
  2. Parents
  3. His siblings and his in-laws
  4. All other family members (not that important...)

So if the demands of the parents are putting a strain on his primary rights to his family, then he needs to make sure he's accommodating them first.

28

Re: mother in law

You are trying to say, a car over mother ...... make lot of sense isn't it, really awesome ?!?!?!?

There is one very Famous hadees about mother's right, am sure you must have read that plenty of times before as well but worth sharing again.

"One person carried his mother on his shoulders and performed Hajj seven times. During the seventh Hajj he thought that maybe I have fulfilled my duty and fulfilled the rights of my mother. That night when he slept he had a dream and saw that he was a baby and was sleeping. It was winter and he was sleeping close to his mother. He soiled the bed and saw that his mother got up and cleaned the bed of the impurities. Due to poverty, that was the only thing that they had to sleep on. He saw that on this cold night, his mother slept on the wet part of the bed and laid down the child on her chest. He heard a voice saying, "Fulfilled your rights? You have not fulfilled the rights of this one night yet."

29

Re: mother in law

Its ALL about balance, common sense and compassion.

But above all compassion... if the MIL was compassionate towards her son then she'd only ask for what is needed and not more then that. The DIL should also show compassion to her husband and support him in carrying out his duties to his parents.

Its when there's no compassion, no sympathy or care from one or both parties that wacks out the balance needed in a relationship.

And to those saying we HAVE to obey our parents in everything except shirk, then do we obey our parents when their commands results in being unjust to someone? If a mother asks her son to beat up/ divorce/ oppress his wife, then should he obey? i mean its not like what she demands is shirk right? and what if the mother demand her son buy his sister 3 gold sets yet the wife can barely afford to run her household... is that fair (since its not shirk)?

Common sense is strongly needed when there is no compassion/ balance in relationships. The man of the house is responsible in establishing that balance...

30

mother in law

Anyway guys I had a talk to my husband last night about his mom asking all the time. I told him how I felt about it and he said that he couldn't say no to her because he didn't wanted to hurt her but that he will tell her next time she ask that he can only send some money to her. I also told her that he should send her a fixed amount every month and no more than that so we can get a life too.

31

Re: mother in law

Mother's have rights but so do wives. Who do you think has to put up with them?

32

Re: mother in law

With all due respect; Islamic teachings of the Prophet (PBUH) also speak of the issues that face those who begin taking out debt.

I also don't wish to turn this thread into a religious debate however felt I needed to reply as it seems most think the OP is a money grabbing hoochy who is disobeying religion etc etc whereas she has not mentioned the idea of suspending all support however others are painting her as a monster. So this post is basically me wrapping up my contribution to this thread and I hope OP gets to strike a balance InshAllah and manages to live in tranquility with her family.

I've spoken to various Alimahs who I have to respect if anything for their devotion to religion and their knowledge. They have made it pretty clear that taking out debt for anything but essentials (in case of say losing a job and not being able to find one asap to support the household) would be permitted on a temp basis HOWEVER it must all be paid back as well anyone would. To some extent this would mean if ones parents are supported well and one cannot support them due to lack of money then it wouldn't be seen as a sin as long as once the child's money problems are settled InshAllah they take on their responsbility. It's not avoiding their responsbility; it's being practical.

In OPs case there are others who can and are willing to support the Umrah; thus if they did take out debt it would make no logical sense even for a Muslim.

Surah Luqman verse 15:
"But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did."

OP; I am glad to see you are talking to your OH about this subject however telling him he must send a fixed amount may not be the best solution if he is trying not to hurt everyones feelings. Do a cash flow and see what money is allocated to essentials and what can be used towards his reponsibilities (e.g. Mother). You may wish to look at long term finances too to see how long the situ will remain the same for. I'm sure with time your MIL will gradually accept that her son has limited funds at present and is unable to contribute more than he is currently doing so.

I think it's fair to say I shall agree to disagree with most of the posters on here in regards to the subject.

33

Re: mother in law

I assume you read OP's previous comment on the fact they are actually spending a lot of money on taxi/fares in general hence why they SAVED to purchase a car that they require for the household?

Wasting money isn't exactly good is it? If they save they could support OPs MIL better. But nope, that would be sensible.

And also, it's not like the OP and her OH saved with the intention of Umrah vs Car. They saved for a car for essential household requirements. If OP's MIL had mentioned her intentions previous to their decision your argument would be valid.

34

mother in law

Princes 1983, agree with you 120%.

Common sense is scarce amongst Pakistanis.

35

Re: mother in law

Khuda ka khauf aata hai....

I need to start being nicer to Ami :(

36

Re: mother in law

No-one is saying she is being a monster trying to stop her husband from paying his dues to his mother. Rather, I think most people here are advising to strike a balance between paying dues to your wife as well as your mother - at least that's what I advocate.

I simply singled out your post as you said it is a cultural aspect rather than a religious one to obey your parents, whereas I disagree that it's actually an Islamic concept to obey your parents in everything they ask you to do, except shirk. I stand by that, but also say that the parents shouldn't (but some parents, stupidly, do) make extravagant demands of their children which places the child in difficulty.

37

Re: mother in law

Its true. I even remember one person on these forums at one point thought that the joint family system was a mandate in Islam. Guess where they were? :rolleyes:

Hmmm…so by your definitions and theories…the OP doesn’t have a right to her husband’s income at all. His mother does. Why on earth would anyone in Pakistan bother to get married? And what would parents with only daughters do? Again, this is the Pakistani version of Islam where everything has to be in extremes and being fair with your mother HAS to mean being unfair with your wife and kids. Its the desi way of doing things, lets face it.

If there are four kids, ALL four are responsible for doing their part towards their parents. If there is one, the same rule applies there.

As for the MIL dying…the concern is not the length of her life…but the quality of life for those around her. I don’t see the logic in marriage if it means suffering at the hands of others all the time or even for half the time. Why should a woman marry someone who cannot live up to his end of the bargain?

Its her husband’s responsibility to support her and her family. Who will take care of this responsibility?

I agree with this.

Again, its extreme. Mother doesn’t need treatment to save her life. Mom doesn’t need this money to even pay the bills in her home. Mom’s Umrah has already been paid for by someone else. So this is a situation where his wife needs the money more than mom does. Why should the mother take precedence here? When does wife get any preference in husband’s life? After mom is gone?

38

Re: mother in law

You don't have to obey if it causes harm etc..

Parents are also human and aren't always right.. If your argument was correct forced marriages would be ok in Islam, wouldn't they..

39

Re: mother in law

I agree Deeba - forced marriages are not allowed in Islam. They're not. But the point is that parents have a right over their children. If they choose to execute that right by forcing their children to marry someone, then they will have to face Allah on the Day of Judgement.

I keep saying time and again that whilst parents have a right, they need to execute it intelligently, as it's a huge responsibility. Whilst the parents have a right over their children, the parents need to make sure they are looking after their children and not causing difficulty for them.

In the case of OP, as I suggested earlier - I would explain to the MIL the financial difficulties they're having so she shows some hamdardi to their situation.

40

Re: mother in law

well i think you should stay quite and let your husband deal with this issue the way he wants to. It's his money and it's his mom. I'm sure your husband will eventually say no to his mom or at least put a limit on how much he sends when he sees no savings after working so hard. And there are chances that the more you insist on not sending the money, your husband might probably go against you. Plus you might wanna think of making changes to your bank accounts, for example , put a limit or make a separate savings account for your and your husband's future savings and you control it.