I don’t know what it is but it seems, most of my majorfights with my husband seem to be over money. I’ve posted several other timesabout the various issues we’ve run into, but to summarize I’m basically annoyedby his family always looking to us to help them out financially while notactively doing anything to save their own money. I’m trying really hard tolessen husband’s financial burden. I paid for my own wedding ring because Iknew he couldn’t afford it. He was supposed to pay me back but thatdidn’t happen. I still haven’t even received my mehr. His family on the otherhand, treats him like a cash cow and he is a total doormat in front of their demands.
First it was my MIL/FIL wanting to redecorate their house.Even though FIL had been working full time at the time and had no obligations(all kids were working and/or married off). My husband didn’t have any savingsbecause most of his leftover salary went to his mother (who definitely does notknow how to save). He actually borrowed over $50k from me to give to hisparents, and I’m convinced I’ll never see that money again. Next, it was my MILdemanding he pay for all of BIL’s wedding (wedding got delayed a few years sothat didn’t happen). After that, it was BIL doing masters and hubby dearestpaying for his living expenses (with the last of his savings i.e. his bonusfrom last year) even though BIL had his own savings (he said all his savingswould be used up on tuition alone). That’s fine, but now BIL has blown throughall of his savings (going on vacations with friends and just general fazoolkharchi) and needs help with his tuition as well. I’ve always quietly (orsometimes not so quietly) handed over my money to help his family every time heasked. But this time I got pissed. When hubby asked me to transfer him some moneyso he could give it to his brother, I told him I would but only if he promisesto pay me back. I’ll admit I wasn’t nice about it and brought up the last fewtimes he’s “borrowed” money but not returned it. Now hubby is mad at me formaking him feel bad and won’t even talk to me. He says he doesn’t want my moneyand I’m pretty sure he’s either borrowing from friends or from the bank to helphis brother out. Just yesterday, I found out that we also have a heap of creditcard debt because a good chunk of his salary is being sent to various familymembers.
I’m trying so hard tosave. We’ve basically become hermits so we can save and buy a house soon, buthe keeps blowing all our money on his family who don’t even bother saving. Hismother even makes him feel bad about wanting to save. I don’t get this family.Am I in the wrong here?
Advice on how to deal would be appreciated.
Tell your husband you won’t help his family financially anymore and be firm about it. He will eventually have to tell his family that he can’t always give them money for their fazoolkharchi. He will run out of options believe me. It has to stop. I never had that problem because my inlaws live with us and we take care of all finances. He gives them money when they need it and it’s both of our money. I am completely okay with it because 1) they live with us and are dependent financially and 2) they are not fazoolkharch and live quite modestly. If there was ever fazoolkharchi happening with money, I would speak up. You need to tell them to stop blowing your money.
Trust me I’ve tried. I had a heart to heart with him a fewmonths ago when I realized how much of my money was going to his family (noteven counting all of hubby’s money that he gives away). We had a huge fight. Hewas really hurt and angry and basically said he won’t ask me for money anymoreand agreed to start pulling back a little so we could save enough for a house. Thatlasted all of 4 months and now he’s back to his usual doormat habits. Or maybehe never changed and I just thought he had.
Mummy is always complaining about one thing oranother and he just fulfills every one of her whims (no matter howill-considered) even though he can’t afford it. This is one of the reasons thatwe are now thousands of dollars in credit card debt. I’ve paid off his creditcard (which we both use) multiple times in the past but this time I’m puttingmy foot down. I hate that he’s paying interest (since that is unislamic andplain stupid), but I have to draw the line somewhere. Now I’m just depressed…
Stick to it no matter what drama it brings. If his mother approaches you, then tell them we don’t have that kind of money to spend right now. Your husband knows he is wrong to ask you but has no choice. When you stop enabling him, he will look st other options and will eventually run out of them. Speak up if you have to.
I hope the BIL is attending Trump University. He will learn many, many ways of making the best deals. Trump University has the best people. Very soon, the BIL will be a real estate mogul with high testosterone and excellent health.
I was in the same boat when I first got married. Hubby and I used to not spend any money at all because we were trying to make ends meet but his brother would borrow money and blow it on things they wouldn’t afford like cars, vacations, etc. I eventually put my foot down and told him that our needs come before his brother’s whims. We made a strict budget and were doing really well. However, last year I loaned hubby’s brother 50,000$ for him to invest in a business. After that he started acting like it he was never going to pay me back. I had told hm that I needed it back by August but he got renovations done at his house in July, bought new furniture, and went on vacation. When the time came to pay me back, he said he had no money. I told him I can use his credit cards to pay my tuition and he did give me 3 different cards to pay from and apologized. Now he has agreed to pay me 1000 per month until the entire debt is paid back.
You need to stop acting like an ATM for your hubby and let him take responsibility for his actions.
Solution is simple. Stop giving away to your husband. I know you do this because you love him. Admiring. But do look after yourself first. My cousin sister was doing same when she got married. Learn to say no. Even if he is your husband. And it is ok to say no. Besides he should be the one taking care of you. Do you know, most of the marriages break up because of financial issues?. Allah na kray this happens to you. Sort this out once and for all and have peace in your life. You are not atm machine for anyone.
Put your foot down and keep it down. Do not let up.
If his parents are struggling and not doing well, I understand his situation. But they aren’t. They seem to be doing well and are milking him and you which isn’t right.
I know TOO many marriages that have suffered and never recovered due to this financial abuse. Do not be a prey to it. For the sake of your marriage - make sure you decline every future transaction from here on forward.
@Siren: You posted about your husband’s willingness to spend money he doesn’t have last year. You received plenty of advice at that time. Based on what advice you received, what steps/changes have YOU made so that you’re not enabling your husband’s behavior?
@Paheli, I went back and read the entire thread again. Andit all just really made me sad, because nothing has changed. I’m exactly whereI was.
Shortly after that thread, my father-in-law passed away so Ididn’t have the heart to say anything. After a few months, however, when hestarted talking about sending money to his brother/sister/mother, I sat himdown and showed him a summary of all the money I’d “loaned” him for his family.He was beyond upset! He said I’d shown him his “auqaat” and had made him feelreally small. I explained my reasoning to him and spoke to him firmly. Hepromised to start paying me back with small installments from his salary eachmonth and he did…for about four months. Then MIL started making a fuss saying Ineed this, I need that (a driver, a maid, allowance). She never directly asksfor money but my husband started sending more and more money to her. Finally hestopped the deposit to my account without telling me (I found out a few monthslater). Then BIL ran out of money, so he started helping him out while goinginto debt himself. He only asked me for money now because he is so beyond brokehimself. We are barely keeping up with our bills especially now that MIL isliving with us. We had a huge fight over this last week and it was the firsttime we actually talked divorce. I was beyond depressed and just wanted to getout of it. Alhamdolillah we patched things up shortly thereafter, but he isstill constantly stressed. I now feel guilty about pushing him to the edge. Yesterday,he snapped at his mom for going grocery shopping twice in one week. He’s neverdone anything like that before. He’s always been generous to a fault. This isnot the man I know. I don’t know what’s happening and I’m afraid it’s my fault. I feel like a demon bahu
The reason I brought up that thread again is because I wanted to show you that you already know what needs to be done in this situation. There is nothing new that anyone here can tell you.
FIL dying, MIL being fussy, BIL being broke…things happen in life. There is always a reason to not be responsible with money. If you make the choice to always find a excuse, then you will always be in the same financial position you are in right now.
Your husband made deposits into your account for 4 months…when he missed the payment on the 5th month, you should have immediately brought it to his attention. I’m amazed that you went a few months without logging into your account! You need to log in every 2-3 weeks to make sure that every penny is coming in and going out like it’s supposed to.
You need to do some soul-searching and decide how you want to live your life. Do you always want to be poor with no savings, no emergency fund, no money for even the smallest luxuries in life? You want to live/depend on other people’s generosity and/or welfare because you never managed to save enough money for retirement? Do you want your children to feel like they have to support you financially because you made a choice not to plan for your own financial future? Do you want to live life 24/7 worrying about finances? If the answers to these questions is “yes”, then keep feeling guilty. But if you want to be financially stable, then you need to stop using emotions and start using your brains and make some very difficult changes. In a crappy situation like this…divorce should not be out of the question. Money is one of the major reasons couples divorce because many people out there don’t want to live in financial ruin.
This is not about your husband or MIL or BIL. This is about YOU and what type of future you want for yourself. Decide. And then do what you need to do to make that happen.
My in laws have always used religion to guilt-trip their son (my husband) into financing their lives- despite my FIL being self-employed, having his own house and 2 cars and God knows what else. My husband’s relationship with them has sadly taken a nosedive since we got married two years ago because my husband bought up the topic of finances and made it clear that he was unable to afford to rent a place and fulfil his duties as a husband (bills and expenses) and pay his parents (mum mostly) an allowance (50% of his salary). His mum cried, screamed, kicked and bad mouthed me in front of anyone and everyone for ‘stealing’ and ‘pattian parha-ing’ her son to ‘abandon’ them. Not true. It’s not been easy for my husband to deal with this situation and he’s had to seek counselling as a result of how immature and toxic his family members have become since we’ve been married (refusing to fund their lifestyle has played a big part in them being like this). But, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, we’ve saved and saved and now have our own apartment and a little savings account. Don’t lose who you are (sensible, thinking ahead, fair, caring type) and what your values are for anyone. Be firm and tell your husband where you want to be in the next 5-10 years and if he can play an active part in that plan. If not, then you’ve got some serious decisions to make. I’d also suggest couples counselling- it makes a world of difference. There’s no doubt your husband loves you but it sounds like he feels ‘torn’ between two worlds- his parents and siblings and his wife. This is your jihad and it’s up to you to develop ways to overcome this situation. Everyone else in your life and here can only but advise. I hope things become easy for you. Don’t give up and don’t shy away from those serious discussions.
You are the cash cow, not your husband. You better file for divorce if you don’t want to keep funding your in laws. It’s not about being a bad bahu, there are some men in similar situations. The in laws blackmail their wives and they I turn their husbands to finance good for nothing brothers.
Unless you and husband get on a very strict “plan” as to how to dig yourselves out of this hole…this is not good. Maybe go to counseling or speak to a financial adviser who can help him see how he can manage it all.
@Paheli00, you’re right. Although I don’t think things are badenough to get to the point of divorce but I have tightened the purse stringsand made that very clear to my husband. The way I see it is that he isfulfilling all my financial needs (minus the savings), so he can blow all hissavings on his family if he feels like it. I’m going to stop ignoring all mywants/needs in order to save money and am not going to let him touch any of mysavings. And this isn’t a “my money”, “your money” fight. We both want a house.I want to get it without a mortgage due to religious reasons and he is flexibleon that. At this rate he won’t even have enough for a down payment, and I willNOT be contributing to something I don’t believe in, so screw it. We’ll bothjust have to wait to buy a house.
@muspus, I hope things get better with your in-laws. Alhamdolillahat least your husband isn’t falling prey to their emotional blackmailing. We arelooking at getting couples counseling but haven’t set up an appointment yet. I’vespoken to a counselor already though and he strongly suggested we do couples aswell as individual counseling.
@Reha, thanks. We’ve actually been looking at getting a goodfinancial advisor for a while now. It’s just always been that we didn’t want toinvest our money and potentially have to liquidate it at a loss when we boughtour house. Everyone we’ve talked to has suggested investing only what we won’t be needing for the next 3-5 years. We’ve been “this close” for the longest time but haven’t been ableto hit our actual savings goal. Now house prices are starting to go back up soI’m tempted to just give up and invest my savings somewhere so that at leastthey aren’t depreciating sitting in my account.
Re-read the first line. You’re statement contradicts itself. He is NOT meeting all your financial needs because he refuses to contribute towards any savings.
As for you not letting him touch any of your savings…we both know that’s BS. If there is a medical emergency, where is the money going to come from? Are you going to let him suffer OR simply hand over your savings to save him because he blew all his money on his family? As for the house…how many more years are you willing to wait to buy a house? Because your husband certainly doesn’t seem to be in a rush to buy it.
I’m not saying that things are bad enough right now for you to get a divorce. But in order to make sure that you are not stuck in a circle going round and round like a fool, you need to set realistic goals for yourself and your husband and stick to it no matter what. You can’t stay married to a man and expect that your savings will be exclusively yours b/c in the event of an emergency, we both know you will let him access your savings. Figure out how much money your husband is expected to save each month. Set specific goals and deadlines for when you want to have enough money to buy a house. If and when those goals fail, THEN you need to evaluate why those goals failed and think about the next steps.
@Siren: Hope everything gets good at your end. I’ll not recommend that you should take the money matters much lightly but PLEASE don’t take the things too much SERIOUSLY. As many people here are talking to consider the divorce and separation things as well i feel a bit depressed that how people advice some one about such things so easily. Anyways, you should definitely take the money matters seriously but there is always an option where you can talk with the person lightly and can convince him/her about the practical implications about so and so.
Get some good sleep, eat well and take some time for your self where you can do what you like e.g. listening music or doing some exercise and try to keep yourself relax. All of us are HUMANS and all of us are prone to making errors and mistakes. Don’t be too much hard on yourself or your husband. Be polite to him and ask him time to time about the new plans, the finances. Discuss the plans with him and discuss the future and how today’s actions will define the state of tomorrow. May ALLAH (SWT) ease the things for you and the love, happiness and peace of mind fills your life. Aameen. Peace!
Okay now snapping at mom for asking to go ‘grocery’ shoppibg twice?
You said MIL spends on fuzul karchi. Now that her hubby is no more and she is living with you two, what fuzul karchi could she possibly do? Driver, maid, home decore, wont all that be for the house you currently live in as you all live together now?
What is your MIL’s age? If his siblings are being irresponsible with their own money, it’s completely understandable if your husband tells them to be careful with their spendings as an older brother. But i cannot imagine what MIL is spending on to be a fuzul karch at this point? Groceries? And now she is an old aged widow, not just his mother so looking after her should be a priority even if sometimes she wants to be spouled. Yeah but if she really is too big a spender going on expensive vscation or buying expensive gifts for your inlaws or any similar frivolous spending habits which is messing up your hubby’s finances then I would completely understand your frustration just as I understand his siblings being irresponsible with their money. If not then you should be a bit thoughtful about MIL considering her old age and the fact that she is a widow now hence dependent on you two for support.
