I was that girl. The girl who had an arranged marriage to someone who already had a (white) gf. I wish someone had told me. Sadly everyone knew, but no one said anything. Now that I've had my daughter and I am getting divorced, people are telling me they knew, well, why didn't you tell me?! I believe that the people who knew, but still watched me get married to him, are just as guilty as he is. Afterwards I realised his younger sister tried to tell me once, but she was too afraid and I didn't read between the lines. I will never forgive everyone else, I pray Allah mere insaf kare, but I have forgiven his sister. It must have been hard for her, and I understand her fears, but at least she tried. She knew what was going on was wrong, and she tried to warn me.
If you really think what is going on it wrong, you will find a way to tell her. An anonymous email. Anything.
You don't need to know what her response was. She has been told flat out by the husband that he wants a divorce. Your husband wants you to stay out of it. Based on those two facts alone, you have your answer on what you should do.
I tend to agree with the advice you are giving but let me ask you this....
if this was you, how would you reconcile your action (in this case perhaps inaction is more apt) with your conscience?
I know you are suggesting that the wife was told flat out and that should be warning enough, for me it would be, but let's keep in mind the cultural taboos associated with divorce coupled with her inlaws reassuring her that everything will be okay once she gets here and the impact of these. Divorce is a huge thing to tackle for people that have been born and brought up in the west where views are more liberal and the environment more supportive; it must feel like the end of her life considering views back home.
The second part of my question is unrelated to this thread but the whole idea of "consult with your hubby and do what he thinks is best" just wreaks of shifting responsibility onto a "safe excuse" rather than taking the moral high road. While I'm recommending that same, I don't know if I like it.
I was that girl. The girl who had an arranged marriage to someone who already had a (white) gf. I wish someone had told me. Sadly everyone knew, but no one said anything. Now that I've had my daughter and I am getting divorced, people are telling me they knew, well, why didn't you tell me?! I believe that the people who knew, but still watched me get married to him, are just as guilty as he is. Afterwards I realised his younger sister tried to tell me once, but she was too afraid and I didn't read between the lines. I will never forgive everyone else, I pray Allah mere insaf kare, but I have forgiven his sister. It must have been hard for her, and I understand her fears, but at least she tried. She knew what was going on was wrong, and she tried to warn me.
If you really think what is going on it wrong, you will find a way to tell her. An anonymous email. Anything.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story so openly here. It takes courage to do that. May Allah swt give you courage to deal with the challenges you face and peace to accept the path that He has chosen for you, ameen.
I would like to know....would an anonymous email have worked for you? Would you have backed out or would you have put more trust and confidence in the word of your inlaws and relatives?
I wonder if this might be Allah's way of bringing your BIL to the straight path where he would have a legal (in the light of our deen) relationship.....who knows....maybe he will get a job now....maybe the pressure from his family will force him to make good on his nikah commitment......maybe Allah means for his wife to get the reward of it all......who knows???
Thank you so very much for sharing your story so openly here. It takes courage to do that. May Allah swt give you courage to deal with the challenges you face and peace to accept the path that He has chosen for you, ameen.
I would like to know....would an anonymous email have worked for you? Would you have backed out or would you have put more trust and confidence in the word of your inlaws and relatives?
I just hope that by sharing my story, I am saving some other girl from the hell i went thru.
I wouldn't have called things of immediately, but I would have told everyone that I needed more time to decide. I would have talked to him, also gone and visited my in-laws in the country where they live with my parents. And if I still had gotten married to him, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant thats for sure! I love my daughter and I don't think I would have made it thru this hell without her, I love her more then anything and she is no doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I which she had a father. A good man, not just a father. But she doesn't and that the only thing that bugs me. That I wasn't able to give her a god father.
Tell her. Even if you have to do it anonymously. She can get remarried more easily if the divorce is fuss free. She might try because no girl wants to think about being a divorcee but there's a limit to how much someone can tolerate and divorce is inevitable because we don't live in a Bollywood movie and the guy just changes for the right girl.
I just hope that by sharing my story, I am saving some other girl from the hell i went thru.
I wouldn't have called things of immediately, but I would have told everyone that I needed more time to decide. I would have talked to him, also gone and visited my in-laws in the country where they live with my parents. And if I still had gotten married to him, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant thats for sure! I love my daughter and I don't think I would have made it thru this hell without her, I love her more then anything and she is no doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I which she had a father. A good man, not just a father. But she doesn't and that the only thing that bugs me. That I wasn't able to give her a god father.
It was not in your hands to know what kind of father he would be so please don't carry that with you.
And you certainly don't know what the future holds so trust in Allah's decisions.
Tell her. Even if you have to do it anonymously. She can get remarried more easily if the divorce is fuss free. She might try because no girl wants to think about being a divorcee but there's a limit to how much someone can tolerate and divorce is inevitable because we don't live in a Bollywood movie and the guy just changes for the right girl.
There is definitely wisdom in this advice.
If the divorce is done before the rukhsati, she will be able to remarry with less difficulty.
The rukhsati was done when they got married in Pakistan. They spent 2 weeks together.
I think you should consider ConfusedMe's post seriously. She is a living example for you to see what will happen if you don't. At least where she is, she has a support system. Here, she will have no one.
I feel for your BIL's wife...really. And I hope that she is a very strong, independent and educated woman who can not just face what's coming her way...but takes your in-law's to the cleaners for it.
I tend to agree with the advice you are giving but let me ask you this....
if this was you, how would you reconcile your action (in this case perhaps inaction is more apt) with your conscience?
I tend to be practical when it comes to messy situations. It's very easy for people to tell OP to do the "right thing" because none of us has to live with the consequences. None of us will be fighting with our spouse if the in-laws/husband somehow finds out that OP got involved despite being told to stay out of it. I am a strong believer in putting my marriage first UNLESS someone else was in physical danger. I know if I were in OP's case, I would not jeopardize my relationship with my husband to warn a woman who has already been told by her husband flat-out that he wants a divorce. I agree that the situation sucks and the BIL should have said 'no' to the wedding. But the reality is that the BIL, his family, and even the wife's family are all a$$holes. The wife, for whatever reason, is willing to come here despite being told by her husband that he doesn't want her.
OP has said that she does not want this coming back to her. The only way for OP to make sure that none of this gets back to her is by staying out of it. Otherwise, if OP chooses to get involved (anonymously or not) and her husband/in-laws find that about it, then she has no one to blame by herself. OP needs to ask herself if trying to "save" this woman is worth causing a rift with her own husband. Not only will she cause a rift between herself and her own husband, she will also cause her husband problems with his own parents if they find out. Again, OP needs to ask herself just how much she herself is willing to sacrifice for this woman.
The second part of my question is unrelated to this thread but the whole idea of "consult with your hubby and do what he thinks is best" just wreaks of shifting responsibility onto a "safe excuse" rather than taking the moral high road. While I'm recommending that same, I don't know if I like it.
Again going back to being practical. Whether someone sees it as a "safe excuse" or taking the "moral high road" really doesn't make a difference to me. In my marriage, I let my husband decide how to deal with his family. Every single time my in-laws have gotten upset about something or even blamed me for something, my husband has ALWAYS taken my side because he knows that ultimately, whatever happened was HIS decision.
Marriage is hard. I don't condone doing anything that causes unnecessary arguments, resentments or tension. I think consulting the husband and doing whatever he thinks is best when it comes to his family is the best way to handle potentially explosive situations with in-laws. Whether we like it or not doesn't change the reality of the situation. The fact remains that getting the husband's approval on these things is really the only way to make sure there aren't problem within the marriage when the in-laws get pissed.
I tend to be practical when it comes to messy situations. It's very easy for people to tell OP to do the "right thing" because none of us has to live with the consequences. None of us will be fighting with our spouse if the in-laws/husband somehow finds out that OP got involved despite being told to stay out of it. I am a strong believer in putting my marriage first UNLESS someone else was in physical danger. I know if I were in OP's case, I would not jeopardize my relationship with my husband to warn a woman who has already been told by her husband flat-out that he wants a divorce. I agree that the situation sucks and the BIL should have said 'no' to the wedding. But the reality is that the BIL, his family, and even the wife's family are all a$$holes. The wife, for whatever reason, is willing to come here despite being told by her husband that he doesn't want her.
OP has said that she does not want this coming back to her. The only way for OP to make sure that none of this gets back to her is by staying out of it. Otherwise, if OP chooses to get involved (anonymously or not) and her husband/in-laws find that about it, then she has no one to blame by herself. OP needs to ask herself if trying to "save" this woman is worth causing a rift with her own husband. Not only will she cause a rift between herself and her own husband, she will also cause her husband problems with his own parents if they find out. Again, OP needs to ask herself just how much she herself is willing to sacrifice for this woman.
Again going back to being practical. Whether someone sees it as a "safe excuse" or taking the "moral high road" really doesn't make a difference to me. In my marriage, I let my husband decide how to deal with his family. Every single time my in-laws have gotten upset about something or even blamed me for something, my husband has ALWAYS taken my side because he knows that ultimately, whatever happened was HIS decision.
Marriage is hard. I don't condone doing anything that causes unnecessary arguments, resentments or tension. I think consulting the husband and doing whatever he thinks is best when it comes to his family is the best way to handle potentially explosive situations with in-laws. Whether we like it or not doesn't change the reality of the situation. The fact remains that getting the husband's approval on these things is really the only way to make sure there aren't problem within the marriage when the in-laws get pissed.
Again...I get what you are saying and I've agreed with you.
Thinking practically is why we have both given the same advice....consult with your husband.....because you will have to deal with him if matters go downhill.
I guess my questions were geared more towards how I would see myself and reconcile with my own conscience and not what "someone sees it as". I'm not too taken by what others think but what I think of myself is important to me and that's where this struggle exists.
I think you should consider ConfusedMe's post seriously. She is a living example for you to see what will happen if you don't. At least where she is, she has a support system. Here, she will have no one.
I feel for your BIL's wife...really. And I hope that she is a very strong, independent and educated woman who can not just face what's coming her way...but takes your in-law's to the cleaners for it.
I don't know if I agree.
While she may end up with no support system (in terms of relatives) here, she will have an opportunity at a much more secure future in terms of being able to support herself. Depending on whether or not she has a career there will determine how badly things could go there. (In fact, even if she does have a career there it will be harder simply due to the societal taboo against divorced women.)
If she has her wits about her she can really land firmly on her feet here.
Would it be cowardly to do it anonymously? In a letter or email? And how much do I disclose? I just don't want this coming back to me.
No...it's not cowardly. Your desire to do the right thing is admirable. Good for you for having a conscience that still nags you.
Do it in a way that leaves least likelihood of being discovered because ultimately the consequences of your actions will be something only you will have to live with.....just like Paheli has said.
Honestly this particular situation wouldn’t bother my conscience at all. Yes I know how the culture back home is. But we’re still talking about an adult woman who has been told directly by her husband that he wants a divorce. There is a point people need to take responsibility for their own choices and not blame culture or lack of warning for their own [further] misery. I have a lot of sympathy for ConfusedMe yet she herself admits that even IF someone had told her about the white GF, she still would not have called things off immediately and tried changing the husband’s mind! This is exactly what OP’s SIL is doing.
It might actually be beneficial for the girl to get a divorce out of Pakistan. A cousin's wife got a good chunk of the guy's income, spousal support, benefits and a house (the guy was abusive so everyone approves). In Pakistan she wouldn't have gotten anything.
There are 15 minute emails that can't be traced back. Honestly an anonymous email with the girlfriend's Facebook page link would be enough. You won't even have to write anything.
But ultimately whatever you do don't blame yourself, OP. Even with all the evidence girl might still ignore because in some families getting divorced without trying is like having the black plague.
I tend to be practical when it comes to messy situations. It's very easy for people to tell OP to do the "right thing" because none of us has to live with the consequences. None of us will be fighting with our spouse if the in-laws/husband somehow finds out that OP got involved despite being told to stay out of it. I am a strong believer in putting my marriage first UNLESS someone else was in physical danger. I know if I were in OP's case, I would not jeopardize my relationship with my husband to warn a woman who has already been told by her husband flat-out that he wants a divorce. I agree that the situation sucks and the BIL should have said 'no' to the wedding. But the reality is that the BIL, his family, and even the wife's family are all a$$holes. The wife, for whatever reason, is willing to come here despite being told by her husband that he doesn't want her.
OP has said that she does not want this coming back to her. The only way for OP to make sure that none of this gets back to her is by staying out of it. Otherwise, if OP chooses to get involved (anonymously or not) and her husband/in-laws find that about it, then she has no one to blame by herself. OP needs to ask herself if trying to "save" this woman is worth causing a rift with her own husband. Not only will she cause a rift between herself and her own husband, she will also cause her husband problems with his own parents if they find out. Again, OP needs to ask herself just how much she herself is willing to sacrifice for this woman.
Again going back to being practical. Whether someone sees it as a "safe excuse" or taking the "moral high road" really doesn't make a difference to me. In my marriage, I let my husband decide how to deal with his family. Every single time my in-laws have gotten upset about something or even blamed me for something, my husband has ALWAYS taken my side because he knows that ultimately, whatever happened was HIS decision.
Marriage is hard. I don't condone doing anything that causes unnecessary arguments, resentments or tension. I think consulting the husband and doing whatever he thinks is best when it comes to his family is the best way to handle potentially explosive situations with in-laws. Whether we like it or not doesn't change the reality of the situation. The fact remains that getting the husband's approval on these things is really the only way to make sure there aren't problem within the marriage when the in-laws get pissed.
In my opinion, doing what's right doesn't require anyone's permission. My husband's cousin was married to a mentally unstable guy. When she came to the US, the inlaws were abusive and no one supported her. She did not want to remain married yet no one was willing to help her get out of this marriage and help her settle here. I asked her come and stay with us against everyone's wishes. My husband and inlaws were against taking her in because they didn't want to be responsible for her and what happens to her. I did it anyway and don't regret it. Did it cause problems? Yes. Do I care what others think about it? No.
I did it anyway and don't regret it. Did it cause problems? Yes. Do I care what others think about it? No.
This is exactly my point. Being aware of and willing to live with the consequences. You don't care about what others think but OP does not feel that way (see quotes in blue below). Since OP does not want to deal with a backlash from her in-laws and/or her husband, then she should not do it b/c again, SHE will the one dealing with it. And unlike you, she cares about what her husband/in-laws think.
Even if OP sends something anonymously.....if in-laws/husband find out that someone sent that information, how will OP make sure that they don't suspect her? I imagine that the information about BIL's GF is a family matter and the entire desi community is not aware of it. All OP's in-laws and husband have to do is think about who knew about BIL's GF, who knew how to contact's BIL's wife in Pakistan, and who is the most likely person to go behind their back. With inside family information like this, it doesn't take a genius to narrow down the short list of people who would do this and had all the necessary information to carry out the plan. What if OP's husband asks her directly if she was the anonymous sender? Is she willing to lie to her husband and keep up with the lie for the rest of her life? Is she a convincing liar?
Again, nothing wrong with doing the right thing. But we need to stop pretending that it does not have negative consequences. OP needs to be fully aware of the consequences and be ok with dealing with them if/when they happen.
But I fear the backlash if my in laws found out I told her.
Would it be cowardly to do it anonymously? In a letter or email? And how much do I disclose? I just don't want this coming back to me.
I have had two friends marry someone in the states, divorce, go back to pak and get married again. They are both very happy now.
It would be much harder to get divorced and establish yourself or live in a foreign country without close friends and family.
Taboo or not, chances to remarry are more back home.
I just hope she has the courage to take the right decision now and not think everything will be okay once she moves here. The guy is a looser and he has a long way to go. She is going to have it tuff either way. (I am surprised her parents let her marry someone who is 30 with no job or schooling. Living in a foreign country shouldn't be treated as a qualification)
This is exactly what OP’s SIL is doing.