My brother in law (my husbands younger brother) got married to a girl last year to a girl from Pakistan. Her immigration has now been approved. Since he came back from the wedding he does not keep in touch with her or talk to her. He told my mil on several occasions that he wants a divorce. My mil just ignored his comments, almost as if she is wishing it away. She thinks if she ignores what he said it will go away and he will just stay married to her. He also told his wife that he didn’t want to marry her and wants a divorce. She didn’t say anything, and my Bil doesn’t have the guts or know how to initiate a divorce.
About 6 months ago it came to light that he has had a girlfriend for the last 3 years (a non-Muslim girl). He is often gone from home for days on end. He is basically living with this girl.
His wife has complained many times to my mil and sisters-in-law about his behavior. They kept telling her he will change once she comes here. She has stopped talking to everyone in my in laws family. She does not know about the girlfriend.
My dilemma is this: this girl is going to leave her home, come to a brand new country where her husband doesn’t even want her and she is more than likely going to find out when she comes here that he has a girlfriend. This is completely unfair to her.
I feel that I can’t sit idly by and let this happen. But I fear the backlash if my in laws found out I told her.
Both the man and woman in question are grown adults, and neither have the guts to end it, which they should, instead of just complaining and saying things. You should not get involved IMO. I doubt your SIL will change her mind about coming to live with you guys after she hears about her husband's gf. And instead there is chance you might be maligned for stepping into someone else's business. The only reason I am saying that is what I've already said, that if your BIL and SIL really wanted to take control of their lives, and act like adults, they would have filed for divorce ages ago, instead of complaining, hiding away and not speaking to people.
I'd be inclined to take my cues from my husband. If he's willing to confront them and speak out, I wouldn't worry about repercussions/backlash from in laws....then again if he adopts the same mentality as his family (and tbh I'd lose respect for him if he did) of sticking his head in the sand....I'm not sure what I would do. This is a tough situation.
This is really really sad and pathetic, on your BIL and SIL and MIL!! hamesha aurat doosri aurat ki dushman hoti hai!!!!
I agree with Mrs. Saieen. speak to your husband and ask him what are his thoughts. Maybe he can talk to your brother and tell him to leave his wife. I hate to say it, but the situation will be much worse once she is here. if she has relatives here...she will get a lawyer and ask for money etc. You should bring up the potential issues that will arise once she is here.
seems like your BIL didn't have the guts to stop the whole process before it even got started....maybe he deserves what he's about to get....and maybe she deserves a chance to settle abroad, something that many people strive for. (And no, I'm not at all suggesting that she had any such intent when she married him but maybe it would be a nice consolation prize for her considering the fate of divorced women in Pak.)
sad really that so many people know what's going on and none of them will do anything about it.
will be hard for you to pull the plug alone.
what does your husband have to say about the matter?
In this case you do what your husband wants you to do. If your husband wants you to stay out of it, then you stay out of it. If your husband is comfortable with you telling the wife the truth, then do that.
Does the girl know he wants to divorce her? If she does not know, then I think, ethically and morally it is your duty to inform her. You can do that through a person you trust. There are many ways of dropping a hint without someone knowing. You can talk to your family back home, who can find a connection and give them some clue of what to expect.
Other way that I would have chosen is to confront your in laws and ask them to have some empathy for girl's family, but if you think there is no chance of them listening then drop it.
My husband doesn't want me to get involved. He said this is something they need to handle on their own. He has told his brother that he needs to tell his girlfriend that he is married. My husband is hoping this will make the girlfriend leave him and he will start to make an effort with his own wife. I told my husband that if his brother couldn't stand up for himself and stop the wedding, what makes him think he will have the guts to tell his girlfriend of 3 years that he is married?
The wife knows he wants a divorce. He called her a few weeks ago and told her he was pressured into marrying her and he wants a divorce. I don't know what her response was to that. My in laws just keep messaging her and telling her things will get better when she comes here and to stay positive.
He shouldn't have married her to begin with. He should be man enough to say no there & then when he was getting married as he liked someone else & was living with her.
OP didn't you know that your BIL is in a relationship? Why you didn't stop this thing before happening?
If only people have the guts to take right decisions at the right time they will save so many lives from ruining.
My husband doesn't want me to get involved. The wife knows he wants a divorce. He called her a few weeks ago and told her he was pressured into marrying her and he wants a divorce. I don't know what her response was to that.
You don't need to know what her response was. She has been told flat out by the husband that he wants a divorce. Your husband wants you to stay out of it. Based on those two facts alone, you have your answer on what you should do.
Before you go off writing anonymous letters to either of these women, try stressing to your husband the urgency of the situation and that it's nothing short of zulm/ziyadati-oppression. Treat someone's daughter like that and in the future it may be your own daughter who will be screwed over in such a fashion.
Has your brother-in-law's wife told her parents in Pakistan about the situation? She shouldn't hide it from her family. They need to know and maybe they can provide her with the guidance and strength she needs.
You could attempt telling Shahzada's Ghulfam's girlfriend that he's a married man, but even if she dumps his a$$....he's not gonna get over the heartbreak from a 3-year-relationship any time soon. You're hoping that he'll run into his wife's arms for solace and one day find himself in lovr with her but there's no guarantee that will happen. His heart may still not be into his wife. So you guys are taking a huge risk and toying with this girl's life by keeping your fingers crossed in the hopes that bil will snap out of it.
Imo, the divorce will be less messy and more respectable....and will generate less drama and gossip if it takes place BEFORE your devrani moves in with your bil. So keep this point in mind. If it's gonna be a divorce, then it's better to make things easier for her.
If your mil pressured him to marry her then she needs to be lectured on the gravity of toying with a girl's life like that. The pressure is bad enough, but it's worse to do so at the expense of another person's life. Her parents had many hopes for this marriage and I don't want to imagine their heartbreak. Beware the bud-dua of the wronged one cuz it is powerful.
Tell your husband to fear Allah and his punishment and urge him to talk to his brother and mom. This marital issue can't be confined to just the couple; it will affect the the whole family and so i think it needs to be addressed as a family. Or are you guys waiting for him to marry his girlfriend and knock her up before holding a family meeting?
You shouldn't interfere as it may turn in-laws against you. But you can try speaking to your husband.
God what an awful situation.. what if his wife or gf ends up pregnant?
What usually seems to happen in these sorts of situations is the husband will carry on seeing the gf and the wife will be encouraged to turn a blind eye if she ever does find it out in the hope that one day he 'might' change..
The guy obviously should have flat out refused to and said 'no' but could be that mil was using emotional blackmail, telling him he'd be disowned, she'd have a heart attack etc.. Pretty disgusting behaviour on her part as well..
If he's not able to break it off by telling the girl directly, then shouldn't your husband have more of a role in convincing his family not to go through with everything considering the brother is flat out telling his wife he doesn't want this mairrage? I assume his whole family is aware of this gf so if it's anyone it's your husband that could be the voice of reason. It's not your place to say anything to the girl but it's understandable that you want too, but that doesn't make it your place. If your inlaws are telling her "no, no don't worry, things will be different once your here" then even more so you shouldn't say or do anything, but your husband should.
Someone before asked if I knew when he was getting married if he had a gf. No, no one knew at that time. We found out about 6 months ago. Before the marriage my husband told his family over and over again that you guys are making a mistake. His brother isn't ready in anyway to get married (no schooling, no job - this is still the case at 30 yrs old). His mom and oldest sister (the ones most interested in getting him married to this girl - a family friends daughter) kept saying he doesn't have a choice, he has to marry her. He will change when he gets married. He will become more responsible when he realizes he has to take care of someone. Well I guess their plan backfired on them.
The girls parents know mostly what's going on. I'm not sure if they know he told her he wants a divorce though. When things started to get really bad and she was not talking to anyone in the family, she also disappeared from social media. As soon as she found out her visa was approved, she is back with a bang. So maybe she really does think that things will get better when she comes here, and now with her visa approved she has her confidence back....im just speculating.
Honestly in the beginning I was thinking sending her an anonymous letter/email would work, but my husband wants me to stay out of it and you all have mostly suggested to stay out of it. I have told my husband though that she needs to know. I said to him that everyone is so happy she has her visa now but you all are ignoring the elephant in the room. Just because she has her visa it doesn't make the he situation go away.
Also, the whole family strategized how to tell Bil that her visa was approved. They didn't want to shock him with th news and have him just run away (which he has before). So they chose my youngest sil (he is closest with her) to casually bring it up in conversation. And his response to the news was, oh I guess I need to get a job now.
So based on his answer, even though he has a gf, has not been fulfilling his duties as a husband, and even told his wife he wants a divorce, he is not going to stand up for himself cause he doesn't have the guts. He is literally a coward. He didn't stop his wedding even though my husband gave him an out more than once, and now he keeps saying he was forced to get married.
My in laws will just have to face the consequences of their actions when this all comes to light.