Re: Moral/ethical dilemma - what should I do?
I tend to be practical when it comes to messy situations. It’s very easy for people to tell OP to do the “right thing” because none of us has to live with the consequences. None of us will be fighting with our spouse if the in-laws/husband somehow finds out that OP got involved despite being told to stay out of it. I am a strong believer in putting my marriage first UNLESS someone else was in physical danger. I know if I were in OP’s case, I would not jeopardize my relationship with my husband to warn a woman who has already been told by her husband flat-out that he wants a divorce. I agree that the situation sucks and the BIL should have said ‘no’ to the wedding. But the reality is that the BIL, his family, and even the wife’s family are all a$$holes. The wife, for whatever reason, is willing to come here despite being told by her husband that he doesn’t want her.
OP has said that she does not want this coming back to her. The only way for OP to make sure that none of this gets back to her is by staying out of it. Otherwise, if OP chooses to get involved (anonymously or not) and her husband/in-laws find that about it, then she has no one to blame by herself. OP needs to ask herself if trying to “save” this woman is worth causing a rift with her own husband. Not only will she cause a rift between herself and her own husband, she will also cause her husband problems with his own parents if they find out. Again, OP needs to ask herself just how much she herself is willing to sacrifice for this woman.
Again going back to being practical. Whether someone sees it as a “safe excuse” or taking the “moral high road” really doesn’t make a difference to me. In my marriage, I let my husband decide how to deal with his family. Every single time my in-laws have gotten upset about something or even blamed me for something, my husband has ALWAYS taken my side because he knows that ultimately, whatever happened was HIS decision.
Marriage is hard. I don’t condone doing anything that causes unnecessary arguments, resentments or tension. I think consulting the husband and doing whatever he thinks is best when it comes to his family is the best way to handle potentially explosive situations with in-laws. Whether we like it or not doesn’t change the reality of the situation. The fact remains that getting the husband’s approval on these things is really the only way to make sure there aren’t problem within the marriage when the in-laws get pissed.
In my opinion, doing what’s right doesn’t require anyone’s permission. My husband’s cousin was married to a mentally unstable guy. When she came to the US, the inlaws were abusive and no one supported her. She did not want to remain married yet no one was willing to help her get out of this marriage and help her settle here. I asked her come and stay with us against everyone’s wishes. My husband and inlaws were against taking her in because they didn’t want to be responsible for her and what happens to her. I did it anyway and don’t regret it. Did it cause problems? Yes. Do I care what others think about it? No.