What is the suggested course of action that the mother should have followed - as per you people? What would you do if it came to your knowledge that your daughters bff is sleeping around?
Ignore and forget
Consider it - but shutup and don't cause anguish to the daughter
Talk to the daughter about what she has heard - without certain accusation
She was right in what she actually did
Not sure who the "you people" are but my view is that the correct course of action would start with 3 but continue further to describe to the offspring what the parent's concerns are, and have a discussion.
In an ideal scenario, whether this info is true, false or exaggerated, the accused also needs to be informed by her friend what gossip is being passed around and by whom.
^^RV, I've actually heard quite a few parents make comments to that effect over the years.. I don't think it's that uncommon..
Same. They can say things like "That disgusted me. " I am appalled by your actions." I've heard parents say much worse. Not that it makes it right to use word disgust but then again OP did not use it for the mother.
Also the mother and the friend have been on good terms before.
No thanks, NomiCA/ButtSB/Pwner/IAmRight/usernamepassword
Best change your language and posting style if you don’t want people to realise the VERY obvious new multi .. Aren’t you meant to be permanently banned now?
I think the main concern with your mother is the fact that we tend to choose friends who have some types of similarities with us and at the end of the day - the people we hang around with the most do have an influence over us whether we like it or not. The fact that you sound like you are relatively young and don't really understand where your mom is coming from is understandable. But put yourself in her shoes and think about it from her perspective.
I know at your age you see your BFF as someone you have to protect but you are your mother's BFF so to say. She's just afraid that you will be influenced by your BFF's lifestyle and also adopt a similar perspective on dating, having a bf, etc.
Also having gone through the same feelings during my teens/early 20's, I can honestly say that daughters are the izzat in the desi household. As much as we want to rebel and fight for our rights (which is all good and great), theres a right way to do it and a wrong way. You are concerned for your BFF's izzat because of this aunty gossiping, and your mother is concerned for yours because of what she is hearing. Your mother knows how aunty's think and if today they are spreading stuff about your BFF, tomorrow you could be next - by association.
I think you need to sit down with your mom, and calmly talk about any issues she has. Simply getting angry and taking sides isn't going to work. Your BFF also needs to understand a few things too.. young love is all great in theory but life changes. I don't know how old you guys are, what type of relationship she has with her bf and how serious they are, but in our culture - dating and maintaining these types of relations are not seen as positive things, so you can understand your mom's apprehension.
I mean let's be real, if this relationship doesn't work out and if they did have physical relations - who's the bigger loser here? At this point, your BFF is still losing her izzat in the eyes of some because there is already gossip going on about her. I hope for her sake that this relationship does make it to marriage but when I liked my husband - I remembered something my father told me when I was in my early 20's. He told me that if I or my siblings ever liked someone and had marriage in our minds, he wanted to hear it from us first rather than hear about it from someone else. Your BFF risks this happening if the gossip spreads.. If she's not ready to tell her parents yet - then she needs to try to keep her relation as discrete as possible in the eyes of outsiders.
ok, u are right and i am wrong. You win. Happy? What if that girl is sexually involved ? What if aunties are right? Sex is a very Private thing. People do not do it in public. At the same times, may be, aunties are twisting this situation. It means there is always uncertainty. You have no Proof. I have no Proof. But You have written a "lambi chitthi" on this issue as if u are 100% sure that those aunties are wrong... Her mother is concerned, she just do not want her daughter to be around with notorious People (acording to aunties, i am nt saying, aunties are right or wrong) .Also whether her friend is sexually involved or not ,but bf/gf is not allowed in our Religion. Simple. In my opinion, this matter is complicated. I do not want to suggest anythng cz i do nt know the ground realities. Also, i will nt give benefit of doubt to her friend, cz this matter is serious., it is not a game. A serious complicated matter
Why is it anyone's concern if she's sexually active? It's between her, Allah, and whoever she marries, not her friends, not some random aunty who has too much time on her hands.
How is it such a complicated matter? No one's forcing you to have a bf/gf, or have sex with someone. You don't want one, that's great. You think that's a dealbreaker in a friendship, that's your right. Other than that, not sure what makes this a "serious complicated matter."
My question.
What is the suggested course of action that the mother should have followed - as per you people? What would you do if it came to your knowledge that your daughters bff is sleeping around?
Ignore and forget
Consider it - but shutup and don't cause anguish to the daughter
Talk to the daughter about what she has heard - without certain accusation
She was right in what she actually did
as long as it isn't my child, why should I have a cow over what her friends do? It's one thing, when kids are young, to have that sort of control over what kind of kids they become friends with, but once your child reaches a certain age (college and onwards) shouldn't you know that you've raised them with good, strong values?
and yes, as crazy as it sounds, it's possible to be good friends with someone who does something that you don't do. It's a huge leap from "my daughter's friend has a boyfriend" to "my daughter will sleep around one day!" There's no rationality or sanity in that.
So, yeah, somewhere between 2 and 3. I'd talk to her, but I wouldn't flip out.
I dunno why you’re feeling angry towards your mum. It’s just her opinion. She was brought up in a different way of life. I’m sure many other people think your friend is a slut aswell. It’s just an opinion. Your post makes me realise exactly why most people are not loyal anymore.
My mum never used to approve of many of my friends but that didn’t change anything. At the end of the day, if I had to choose I would still choose my mum over any of my mates. After all, she probably doesn’t want her to lead you astray cause your friend isn’t exactly doing something she approves of, it’s a common thought among parents and the people their kids are friends with. The last thing you want is your child hanging out with a bad influence. On a side note, I think you need to get things into perspective. I’m sure you can deal with this situation without getting angry and without getting your mum paranoid that maybe you’re doing something she doesn’t approve of either.
