Mom saying stuff about your friends

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

brain freeze!!

Dont worry i dont think thts the reason

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

Its a phase...let it go.

Your mom is trying to protect you in her own weird way.

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

I knew Indian connection hoga. Not that it should matter..or it matters when desi aunties gossip. I hope you can explain to your mother and she understands. She knows your friend and she knows your character. You also know your friend better so your mother should listen to you over some random aunty.

Thanks for not dumping your friend over gossip. You're stronger and braver than my friend and also thanks for being open minded towards Indians in all your threads. I personally appreciate it. <3 Wish there were more people like you who could stand up for what they believed in and not worry about gossip. Thanks for being optimistic about my situation. I lost hope a while ago.

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

OP, this reminds me of the chocolate bar thing I mentioned in another thread..

You have every right to stick up for the girl.. just try to be respectful to your mum at the same time..

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

Your mom is indicating to you her disapproval of that lifestyle, should you think about going that route. Thats about it. Its not about YOU.

PS: shasvefra and southi - when OP is able to speak for themselves why the two of you always go on about explaining on someone else's behalf, what gives?

26

Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

Hey this time i replied only to OP no one else. I gave my views on what i thought OP meant and she agreed with it. Naturally, i am slightly defensive of those i think may think like me or stand up for people like me. No offence is intended. In a self-centred world it's not easy taking a stand for others who are not family/same background and i appreciate others who have enough courage to do so.

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Mom saying stuff about your friends

Why does everything have to come down to an "Indian connection" or India vs Pakistan? Why can't it just be a concerned mom and exasperated daughter...is it really necessary to drag nationality into every thread?

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

One of the things you learn as you go through life is that many people....including friends or family members.....make ignorant comments. You sound young and I assume you still live with your parents. In this specific situation, for the sake of keeping peace....you need to simply remind yourself that your mom is not perfect, she has no idea that her comments are hurting you, and simply let it go. You do not need to share your mom's comments with your friend, you do not need to argue with your mom or even try to correct her b/c this may lead to her thinking that your friend is "influencing" you too much & perhaps try to interfere in your friendship.

A major part of growing up is learning to pick and choose which battles are worth fighting. In my opinion, this is not a battle worth fighting. So next time your mom says anything similar, change the subject or make an excuse to leave the room.

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

It doesn't. I just guessed since rosedreams mentioned in a previous thread her close friend was Indian. Sorry didn't mean to make it India vs Pakistan. Just threads have trended like that in the past. Then my situation was referenced and i just wanted to say i appreciated her courage and strong mindedness to make tough decisions.

30

Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

Are you people kidding me?

I do not know many desi parents who are fine with their girls having a boyfriend AND celebrating Valentine and posting that on facebook. And if such a person is your BFF, your mother is obviously right to be concerned, and show her disapproval of your friend. She has actually rightly judged the situation that she is having an influence on you as well, hence you getting mad at your mom.

If my child was BFF with this girl, I will definitely be concerned.

I can obviously understand Southie, since he ascribes to that lifestyle but I cannot get some others who come across differently in other aspects of life.

31

Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

Yeah but I hope you do realize that we are in a modern society where every other person will be dating, having relationships, celebrating v day, halloween, and other stuff that may be frowned upon by desis. I do not engage in such things but if my friends do that, i am no one to judge them or not to be friends with them just because they date. What’s more, concerned friend is my friend for the past 15 yrs.

My anguish was about parents upsetting children with their comments. And that is why I started this thread as I was feeling upset. And as many posters suggested, I should ignore and move on because my mom has good intentions in her mind. It is just that her saying such a thing upset me and I became defensive for my friend. Simple dimple.

Me getting mad at mom is NOT because of my friend’s lifestyle. LOL. :smack: It is just a natural feeling I would have when someone says something mean about a person I love and value. If my friend were to say something mean about my mom, I would get super mad and defensive. Likewise if my mom says something mean (yet true) thing about my friend, ill get defensive.

32

Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

In my view dont share this with your friend right now.
Where your mother may be coming from is

a- she is afraid that you will be impacted and influenced by company that has values and lifestyle your mom does not agree with
b- she is afraid that even if you are not influenced, gossiping people would say you must be like that too since you are her friend

The best could be to let it go for now, but if it continues you have to address it with her. First understand what her main issue is and address it, i.e. it is not true, and even if it were true you dont just emulate everyone around you. This would also be a good time to address the issue with her believing in gossip and your disappointment in how she referred to your friend.

Last part is very tough, but you kinda have to do it. Your friend needs to know who is saying what. because if her reputation is being trashed by some gossipy lady, your friend and/or her family need to confront this person and shut her ass up. This is not easy and has a major chance of blowing up, but wouldn't you want to know if someone is spreading rumors about you in your community?

On a broader note and looking at all the comments, people need to understand that the challenge and opportunity of living in a diverse society is that we will have friends, neighbors, colleagues whose lifestyles and choices are not like ours, but a mutual respect has to be in place and we can't judge others by our set of standards

33

Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

I think this part is hard to understand for people who have not lived in such societies or if they do live in a cocoon where the social interactions are limited to people like themselves.

anyways, its usually not too hard to convince parents that you can be trusted and know right from wrong, even if your friends have lifestyles and choices that are not for you. I have sensed that the bigger issue is that parents trust their kids but not the ghatiya parts of the community and the holier than thou, back ass , gossipy, kuwain kay maindak types.

I know certain ladies who are very good at stopping gossip in its track..e.g. if someone is saying **** about someone's kid, she will just say, oh that is not good, do this persons parents know? lets go talk to them and you can share what you know, so they can address it with their kid. Usually the result of that is the gossip person shutting up because their interest is just spreading ****, and often times its false, and they know it but spread it because thats how they are, or even worse, sometimes they drag other kids down to make their own kids look good. Ghatiya ppl I tell you.

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

How does aunties know all the info? Is she on Facebook or something? How many of the aunties are on Facebook?

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

yeh sab mujhe nahin maloom.

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

Aunty got bored of drama on serials and wanted to create her own drama. Maybe Aunty is jealous her own daughter does not have such a friendship. Maybe her daughter is trying to break your friendship through her mother. Not many people are lucky enough to have friendships lasting 15 years of life.Maybe Aunty's daughter/neice found out these rumours through the grape vine.
Parents should trust their children more that they have strong beliefs of their own and will be less likely to be influenced. If children are so easily influenced why let them go out alone. You have known your friend 15 years. How many times has she changed your behaviour or put pressure on you to change? Not much i'm guessing since she is still your close friend. Has your friend said she is engaging in any of these activities? Many of us would not have good close friends if we only sought out people who are like us. Think of all the deep friendships you would miss out on. Also, there is no guarantee that a friend who is a complete carbon copy of you in behaviour, attitude etc would make a better friend than one with differences. If that was the case there would be no issues or arguments between and within families of same background.
I think your friend is lucky to have your friendship and she should also appreciate it.

37

Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

If your mom happened to see FB pics of your friend and her BF, then just be careful with having FB up when your mom is around.

Other than that, I would not tell your mom things about your friend that you know she won't understand or approve. We all have an idea of what our parents don't approve of and I don't tell my mom everything about my friends and cousins.

But I do believe that if your mom is telling you that some aunti-know-it-all has said that your friend is sexually active........you should voice your disapproval of such gossip/slander. Bring religion into it and lay on a thick guilt-trip about gossip being haraam and a lil' something called karma and "do unto others' betiyan as you'd want done unto your own." Whether the gossip is true or not does not matter. This is the kind of gossip that tends to spread fast and really ruin a family's reputation; I feel bad for your friend. If you were to warn your friend, it may cause a huge explosion within your social circle, so I'm not sure what the best damage-control solution would be. It's up to you to decide if you should tell your friend or hint at it, you know her better. But definitely speak up against the gossip.

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

People using religion in this scenario and that too for the mum. Hahahahaha

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

See, this is what bothers me.

From the parents' perspective.....I totally understand that a mother would worry about her daughter being negatively influences by the company she keeps. She has a right to be concerned about her daughter, I get that. But for parents to spread malicious gossip about someone else's daughter while trying to protect their own....that's messed up. I don't expect for OP to try to make her parents accept her friend's decisions, but I do think she should talk to her mom about the gossip.....so that next time her mom is confronted with such gossip, she can put a stop to it or respond in a way that the gossiper will quit.

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Re: Mom saying stuff about your friends

While parents have the right to be concerned about the company their kids keep, it does not entitle them to gossip about other people's children. Speaking to someone from the perspective of religion is not an insult and it doesn't transcend parents. I don't think there's anything funny about it. Unless one has solid proof that someone's daughter is sexually active, it's best not to say anything.

I have not encouraged OP to abandon her parents for her friend, nor do I support her feeling of hate/disgust for her mom. I understand it's frustrating, but that's too strong of a reaction. Parents obviously look at the issue of boyfriends and Valentine's Day from a religious perspective as in these things are not condoned and that's fine. But to gossip and to repeat gossip....and that too an accusation of zina without proof....is perhaps a worse gunnah/mistake. If OP were to tell her mom this in the a vengeful tone...where she's trying to "get back" at her mom for criticizing her friends, that would be wrong. But to calmly tell her mom that such gossip is harmful to any girl's image and that of her family's...and to request that mom try to put an end to it if it happens again...I think that's okay.