long story. firstly me and husband nd kids went on a litle holiday, came back and my mother in law had rearranged my part of the house. my kids room was all changed. the cupboards etc. she has a habit of cleaning other peoples private space whenever hey are not there. she calls it tidying up. i call it snooping. she has done this a few times, one time she must have dropped my jewellery box which is inside my cupboard, and it was broken inside when i opened it up.
so anyway i have had enough of her tidyin up my personal space, luckily we had locked our room, so she couldnt go there. i spoke to her about it. i asked her wether the kaamwalley had done it. i knew they hadnt. she said no she did.
before i could say anything else she was already shaking, geting teary eyed. blaming herself for being too good and how i was so dirty my rooms were drty ( they were not dirty, ) she even took the shoes out of the place i bought their shoes in and made a new place for their shoes…i told her about the previous times she had done it and broken my jewellery, she said she didnt touch anyhing etc etc and now shes saying i put ilzaaaaam on her.
she cried and cried went hysterical, as she always does when confronted, and she had a knife in her hand she was cutting an apple with and sarted cutting her thumb…shes maddddddddddddddddddddd. she always does this. whenever i have confroned her she either stabs herself or has a heartattack or something dramatic. she also said how i was rude to her daughter who was crying about that. i have never been rude and her daqughter lied.
anyay husband knows all this. he agrees me with.mesince then we are quiet with each oher. is been 3 weeks.
today i heard her telling my 3 yr old daughter that her colour was kaali, she isnt fair skinned and she should be fair pir pyari lago gi…my daughter doesnt know what it is yet but was saying nahi mein kaali nahi houn,
i was soooo angry. i had to stop myself from marching over to her and slapping her. how dare she give m kids a complex already at their age. she is 3.
i told husband to talk to her. although from his expression he didnt find it as outrageous as i did although he said he will talk to her.
was i right in being furious should i have said something to her. i didnt because of our last episode where she tried to stab herself cry hysterically to get sympathy from others and shift the attenton to herself.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
She was ofcourse very wrong in saying that to a kid...but you need to get some tameez too! Slapping an elderly lady? I feel sorry for the kids. At one side they are being told stupid things which cud give them an inferiority complex and on the other side they are probably going to have a damaged view of relationships based on how you all interact (or don't) at home.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
Hmmm...this is indeed a twist.
Nadz...you didn't react well at all. I am not saying you have no right to be mad. I'd be livid if someone tried to give my daughter a complexion complex at age 3 as well. But you weren't smart about it.
Learn to get back at people in a way where they really understand it cannot happen again otherwise what is the point? Reacting, confronting, getting upset and sending your husband to take care of her...not the answer.
moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
See Nadzz, this is where you need to learn to pick your battles. In my personal view, telling your daughter she's Kaali is way worse. That kind of stuff messes up a child's confidence so you should of said something then. As for the kids rooms, you should of quietly changed everything back in your rooms the way you wanted and that would of been the end of it. If she did it again, then you could have said something.
moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
You know she's a crazy lady, stop stooping to her level. How many times will you confront her for nothing to happen. Just let **** go. Draw some lines and if they get crossed like your children being affected by the torture then do something about it. Your husband is on your side, learn patience for him because once his runs out, I can bet it will be really hard to get it back. Everyone has their breaking point. Your taking his laxed behavior for granted.
Guys, I don't think she means she would of actually slapped her MIL. It's an expression to show how angry she was at the situation. Although not respectful, I don't think she meant it literally.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
^Yeah, it's quite a common expression used in the UK.. 'I felt like slapping her.'
It's a bit like how a desi mother might say 'I wish I'd never given birth to you' or something along those lines.. In Pak or India it wouldn't be considered a big deal but here in the West it would be shocking..
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
After reading thus and noticing your condescending tone, I think your mother in law and not you, is the victim. If my wife EVER uttered a word that sounded synonymous to her 'feeling like slapping my mother', that would be last day of our blissful married life.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
Ya you sound so harsh nadzy. Our elders no matter what they say...this shouldnt resort to even verbally saying slap to your mil. Anyway i think..since you have chosen this rishta to begin with..i say deal with it with outmost restraint and patience.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
Assalam o alaikum
dear sister,
first thanks to Allah who has given you a understanding husband otherwise husband usually not interested in listening about sometimes:)
second you are mother of your child you can tackle any complexity in your child bcz when he or she will start going school. There are so many things you have to deal with my dear:) so peace!!
third your husband is a son of your mother in law do you find any error in him..he was definitely brought by her:)Alhamdulilah na
fourth if any mistake is done by you in future (when you will be mother in law inshaAllah)suppose do you expect the same reaction from your daughter in law..think deeply...
we are human and we can make mistake our mother father son daughter everyone could make mistake but we dont slap...
these are trials of our lives...being elder you have to respect your mother in law in any case as you expect this for urself in future:)
may Allah guide us and all those who makes our lives difficult intentionally or intentionally..And i sincerely pray may Allah put love,repect and understanding in your house Ameen
regards!
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
What!Anyway I have kept quiet many times this was the time to say it.and like I said I hadn't even said anything yet until she began her.dramaShe also liesAnd u tell me I should be jee jee just because she's elder.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
What!Anyway I have kept quiet many times this was the time to say it.and like I said I hadn't even said anything yet until she began her.dramaShe also liesAnd u tell me I should be jee jee just because she's elder.
And I.have been.respectfull to her.
Ok Nadz, here's the deal...you know, she knows you know and we all know that she does not like you as her bahu. She never has and likely never will. In the 4 years you've been on the forums, we all know that to be true. You have been advised time and time and time again to learn to *pick your battles. *
You say she went into "your portions of the house" to clean or snoop or whatever...well guess what, I'm sure she still considers it all her house. She straightened up and rearranged your kids rooms, which are still her grandchildren as well. In the grand scheme of things, throughout all the maslay and phadday you have had, is that really such a big deal? Annoying, yes...big deal, no. She didn't touch your room or your things this time because your room was locked, itna kaafi nahin hai kya?
Now, as far as the remarks about your daughter's skin color, yes, I would be upset too. I don't think it's out of line for you to ask her not to mention it in front of your daughter, but let's face it, that will cause drama as well.
I don't for a minute think that you would actually strike her or threaten to in front of anyone else (I don't take your venting here as a serious threat!), but even then, you need to keep your ghussa in check and rise above. For whatever reasons, you have made the choice to stay with this man and live in pakistan with his family, whom you know dislike you. When are you going to learn to accept them, with their good and bad habits and move on?
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
^None of them will work for her
Nadz, You know life moves so fast, things change so quickly around us all the time, we dont even realize, but Its interesting to see you and your "problems" remain the constant factor on Gs. :)
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
u tell me I should be jee jee just because she's elder.
Nope….you should be "jee jee" b/c this is the life you CHOSE! You chose to get married while knowing that MIL did not want you as her DIL. You remained in the marriage and had 2 children….all the while being fully aware that your MIL does not like you, will make your life difficult, and your husband will not move out. Heck you even managed to get to UK….only to return. Did you for a minute think that anything would be different than the past 4 years? You knew exactly what you were coming back to.
We have told you this over and over again. Your MIL will NOT change. Your husband will not move out. No one is forcing you to live in that house. So if you're choosing to stay in this marriage and live under your MIL's roof……then you really don't have much right to complain anymore.
As for the house…..I know for a fact we have been through this before. The ENTIRE house is hers. Why is that so difficult for you to understand? MIL's house….MIL's rules. She can run it however she wants to…and re-arrange whatever she wants to. You don't like it, then move out and get your own house.
What your MIL told your daughter is very wrong. But keep in mind….she will NOT change. You and your husband can talk to her all you/him want to…..MIL will NOT change herself. Sooner or later….this situation will repeat itself. There is NOTHING you can do to prevent this from happening again as along as you live in her house. The only exception would be for you to be with your daughters 24/7.
P.S. You knew that your MIL snoops. That's why you locked your room when you left for vacation. Once again…..You should have thought through the situation & locked your children's room too if you didn't want MIL to go through their things.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
This probably won't be the last time your daughter will hear comments about her skin color (either from your MIL or from others). It would be good for her if you can start modeling for her how to respond and think about these sorts of comments, so that the hurt she feels is minimized. She's not too young to start internalizing this. When someone says something superficial and offensive about her appearance, say out loud in front of her, "Her skin IS beautiful in exactly the shade it is." "Allah has proportioned and matched her features to be perfect and beautiful together." "Her beauty is not defined by her skin color." "Her worth is not defined by her beauty/appearance/skin color." ETC. Also make clear that you do not welcome discussions and comments in which your chidlren's appearance is discussed or compared with others'.
Your job now is to make sure that she knows how to react when people make these idiotic and malicious comments.
Re: moher in law issue. this time i confronted her. yayy for me.
If you react the way you react over hearing the skin colour remark in front of the child, the child will definitely figure that there is definitely something wrong. She'll learn to take offense and get upset because this is what people do, following her mother's example.
You should've done something along the lines of: okay gradma called you kali and what's wrong wrong with being kali? Why you felt the need to react in such manner, it's you who's actually reinforcing the thought that being kali should be taken as an insult. It's not a dirty one. To be brutally honest, the amount of time you have asked people to recommend lotions and potions that make you go "shade or two lighter", I'm not surprised to see a three year old already protesting against the dark skin tag.