^I explained what I meant when I said I know how to think but you conveniently forgot to reply to that. It would be redundant for me explain it it. I posted a lot of examples of my own personal life and ended up deleting the post because I don’t feel comfortable sharing details of my personal life online. I am not different but I am made to feel like an outcast with comments and judgmental opinions I hear about me. We sacrifice a lot in relationships and things are not always forced but a lot of times we end up compromising too much. That is only a part of it!
Believe it or not I am actually not a non-conformist. I conform out of respect and love I have for my family and husband. My biggest problem is not being able to say no! I end up doing what I don’t want to do…
My final diagnosis of your problem is that you are basking in self pity. You have the right disagree. You do not have to provide any justification for your disagreement.
Exactly! Thank you! I am not different but life is certainly harder if we can’t say no but we know exactly what we want yet continue to live under someone else’s shadow sigh and of course what we want is completely different than what our loved ones expect from us.
Everything we want comes with terms and conditions. We give up too much of ourselves to be loved or if we live by our rules we get none of the love shove…
Why would anyone want to be a misfit? All my life I have fought too many little battles in my head over little things. I have done so much that my heart and mind do not agree with. I am like a walking contradiction. I wouldn’t say anyone forced me to do any of it but all of it came with ultimatums. The more i rethink my decisions, the more I realize that I agreed to do a lot of it because the loss was greater if I didn’t. I guess that is why I used the term “misfit” maybe there is better word for it.
Since you missed my point I would say it in another way.
The only people who can take you on as is basis are those who love you. People like Your family, your spouse, you relatives, your friends.
Their love is unconditional.
They will expect certain behavior ,ideals and attitudes from you but if you do not fulfill those expectations they would not mind and would not force you to change.
Then a subgroup from the above group will want you to fulfill their expectations they will coerce you, they will give you ultimatums to change, they will blackmail you emotionally. This is also out of their love for you because they think they are on the right path and you are not and if you do not return to right path you are doomed. You need to stay firm on your grounds after a while some of them would give up and would accept you for who you are.
Another subgroup would give up on you and would outcast you too. This is the group you should not worry about and keep on doing what you want and what you believe in. Problem will arise when you start a crusade against their values, their ideals, their beliefs and their attitudes. If you are not brave enough to take the brunt of backlash of this crusade then the only way out is to keep your beliefs , ideals , ideas, values and morals to yourself and leave these people alone .
Not to be able to say no is a sign of low self esteem. Conforming to something you do not believe in and do not relate to just for the sake of fitting in with the group whose ideals, beliefs, morals and ideals you do not relate to is also another sign of low self esteem.
Just want to clear a few things. 1) Ihave never started a crusade against anyone for whatever reason. 2) I believe and follow live and let live approach in life. I don’t dictate what anyone should do with their life. I expect others to do the same with ME. 3) My issue is not low self-esteem. I do not think too highly of myself but I am a very strong person and do not suffer from confidence or self esteem issues. Conforming to others’ lifestyle has been my ONLY option or I would be living alone somewhere in an apartment with a ton of savings and no one to share that with.
I have never done anything to “fit in.” I never cared in high school and I don’t care now that I grew up a nerd and have no friends to this date. In my person life, I have done it all out of love and respect for people I value in my life. I don’t care about what people think about me at all! I have already heard how they feel about me. I find myself becoming quieter and alienated by the day because I really don’t see how I fit in anywhere and though I don’t care for it, I wonder sometimes what if I really did what I wanted to do. All of this is definitely turning me into Ms. Scrooge. It would be one thing to not give a s**t about what others think if we did’t have to deal with them 24/7. That is not the case with me.
Another problem is if we don’t do what a woman is supposed to do in our society, nothing else she does is ever good enough. She is still incomplete even if she is happy with her accomplishments. There is no appreciation unless she cooks, cleans, and has babies. Same goes for men, if a man doesn’t earn and provide, whatever else he has done no matter how important is not good enough. He is not man enough if he doesn’t earn and provide for his family. He may be a really good stay at home dad or really happy talented individual but he will not be appreciated for that. It’s all about what we can do for others in our society, which really pisses me off.
I don’t find limited to any single society and culture. I guess that is what happens growing up in multiple cultures and countries. I appreciate and enjoy aspects of all, and am not a fan of some aspects of all, but I navigate in and out without feeling a need to fit in any single one.
The random chance that I was born into a intersect of a certain race, religion, ethnicity, nationality is just that isn’t it… i don’t feel a need to try and fit in to what the norms of that intersect are. They are artificial. ..loved and revered by many..but still self made, and no universal truth.
Is non conformist the right term, don’t know…don’t have an issue conforming while interacting with people of that group, but its out of respect for them that I will observe their traditions and culture when with them, but away from it, I do not adapt it unless i find that it personally resonates with me, and even then I drop off and pick up stuff along the way. I was told that this way I am lost and wandering, my response was…I don’t trust any caravan is necessarily headed the right way any way
I probaby fall into the “misft” category.. I refused to do housework unless my brother did it as well, chose to be in relationships before marriage, had cs, married a white guy etc. etc. I was one of those girls who’d never agree to live with inlaws, limit my freedom or dress how elders might expect I should.. A traditionalist’s worst nightmare
I made a conscious choice not to conform rather than go along with things I might not want or agree with.. I had a VERY supportive father who stood by me though and was brought up in an environment where questioning wasn’t seen as such a bad thing.. My grandfather and other relatives were also supportive so I didn’t experience so much of that struggle that other desi girls who don’t comform might go thru..
Btw there’s a show that’s about to be aired in the UK (on Sky Living I think) called “Desi Misfits”.. Should check it out..
I am quite a misfit too especially for someone who was brought up in Pakistan. I don’t think divorce is a stigma for women, I don’t think nafil worship is such a must like it has become nowadays eg everyone does nafal fasting etc. I think helping others is better than rituals and gasp gasp think my MIL should have no control over me because I am an adult.
